TW//ed//throwing up//withholding food//intrusive thoughts//sh//suicide mention//
violet's pov
i get to my room and just stare at the food
i used to do this when i was still living with my dad, i would go to the cupboards and just look at the food i wasn't allowed to have
my dad would get really mad when i did because he thought i was eating stuff and trying to hide from him
which i would do like once a month because he wouldn't let me eat at all and wil was really worried about me
i always told him he didnt need to be but he was completely correct, of course i didn't want him to be because i didnt deserve him as a friend or at all
violet the food
throw it out you cant any get fatter
im just gonna have a bite to see how it tastes and then ill throw it out
not good enough
ok i'll throw up the bite and throw out the food
fine. don't tell anyone like you did with the cutting
why would you tell dream, now he has to worry about your dumb self
honestly just kill yourself
no i cant do that, ill just cut again
but then they will find out and get pissed
they'll hit you just like dad did
he was the only one who was punishing you right
but he punished me for not eating, isnt that something i shouldn't but punished for?
no youre not supposed to eat, dont you want to be skinny for your fans?
girls are skinny
you're not a girl if you dont get skinny
youre right, youre right
of course im right, why wouldn't i be right
you're honestly kind of sounding like dad
then it clicked inside of my head
the voice
it only comes out when my dad isnt there and it says the same stuff my dad does
it is my dad
my mind made its own persona that makes me feel like shit because my dad isnt around
it honestly makes sense
no wonder why i hate myself
you're getting so off beat just hurry up and try the food so you can throw it up after
fine fine
i grab the now almost cold burger and take a bite of it
its honestly very good
don't eat anymore
you'll get more fat and everyone will hate you more than they already do
they dont hate me stop it
they're my friends
no theyre not
ok i know i said i would throw it up but im so close to eating it all and then getting sapnap or someone to distract me from throwing up
you'd be a burden to them, even more than you already are
fine you're right
yet again
i take the food into my bathroom and regretfully throw it in the toilet, not the bag and wrapper though
those go in the garbage so if anyone thinks to check if i ate, it shows that i "did"
that was so horrible of me to do
they're all gonna be so pissed at me i already know
well might as well make it worse
i kneel beside the toilet and shove two fingers down my throat
i gag until the disgusting, acidic liquid comes up and out of my body
i hate this feeling so much
dont get me wrong, i love the idea that im getting skinnier
but the guilt i get everytime i do it
i just know that im letting everybody down
even if they say that they arent mad or they're not disappointed in me i know they are
i spent 17 years of my life with a mad man who was always disappointed in me so i know what disappointment looks like
when i told them that i cut again they weren't that disappointed in me but i could tell that they were disappointed in themselves for not being able to help me
i think that is just dumb, they should be disappointed in me not them, yeah it may feel horrible but i'd rather have them be mad at me instead of their selves
i deserve the disappointment they don't
my stomach growls in hunger
i hate this feeling, being hungry and not to mention the guilt
the feeling is indescribable
i walk back to my room and sit on my gaming chair
great now i have to do homework
sapnap said he would help me right?
no im a burden
but i dont understand it
a knock at the door cuts off my thoughts
"hey its us, can i come in?"
"yeah for sure"
sapnap opens the door and all four of them come in
"were helping with your homework mkay?" karl explains
i smile
"theres no way to talk you all out of this is there?"
"nope" dream answer for the whole group
"ok so, techno's coming over soon to help with the english/history because he lives like 10 minutes away and hes like a human thesaurus-"
(just, pretend ok? it'll make sense for the plot)
"hes also good at math so that'll work. dream is good at music so like thats helpful, wilburs a god at geoguesser and sapnap and i can help type shit"
"you guys really don't have to do this"
"we want to, well want to help you. really dont wanna do school again but im sure it'll be fun" wil jokes
"you sure?"
"yeah of course, we're here to help"
"thank you"
the doorbell rings
"thats probably techno, ill go get it" karl says, kissing sapnap on the cheek before going to get it
"cute" dream whispers
sapnap playfully punches him in the shoulder
"how dare you!"
i laugh quietly
"you guys are weird" wil says
"said the one who wants to punt a child"
"the child is violet, shes special"
i playfully gasp, acting offended
we all laugh
karl and techno come in the room
"hey violet!"
"hey techno" i say smiling because he used my preferred name
"how's school?"
"horrible"
"so the usual"
i laugh and nod
"lets get this shit started"
"woooo"
~time skip to after they're done everything, 3 hours later~
"oh my god that was so much work" sapnap says throwing a gel pen on the floor
"i know, violet how did all that pile up?" wil asks
"HEY I TOLD YOU GUYS I HAD A LOT OF HOMEWORK"
"eh i thought it was fine" dream says shrugging his shoulders and picking up his phone
"texting gogy???"
"yes of course"
karl snickers
"bro if karl nap is real then dnf has to be too right" he says laughing
"KARLNAP CONFIRMED WHAT DID I MISS??" techno yells causing me to flinch
"uhmmmmm well" sapnap says grabbing karl's hand
"i'm happy for you guys!" he says
"thanks" karl replies smiling
"of course."
"i think we should get some food" dream suggests
"yesss" karl agrees
"violet you up for that?" he continues
fuck
"yep! definitely"
my hands are on auto pilot as they start picking my fingernails
this should be fun
words-1190
I FINALLY GOT A CHAPTER OUT. it's been at least like 6 months.
hope you all are doing pog ❤️
make sure to eat and drink water love you all!!