By:
first impression:
I was honestly very confused at first. And so there is a lot to unpack here.
plot:
I read until chapter 5 but based of what I've read. I think you've got the basics down.
An interesting villain, pretty good cast of characters, and honestly a solid plot.
My problem is the exposition of the plot. It was too straightforward that it feels like the book needs to explain everything in the first chapters.
Which can cause the readers to not feel curious anymore about the story.
My suggestion is to save certain reveals such as the origins of the leviathan and the powers of each character.
You can introduce them in their own time. Avoid info-dumping about them and keep their descriptions brief until it's their arc.
pacing:
as I've mentioned in plot. Take time to branch out each part of the story.
First, in the introduction of the story. Properly pace the introduction of characters. Show them interacting and their living quarters. What's their normal life as this job they have under Leviathan.
This can help expand the world and also reel in the readers into the story.
Characters:
I think they need more appearances in order for their personalities to be established.
The entire story tends to fall victim to the telling and not showing problem and honestly that's alright.
All writers go through that.
So now that you've written down their personalities you can start establishing them in each interaction they have with other characters.
(I feel a need to elaborate so I will.)
An example is a cool character interact with a responsible character.
You would imagine a decent conversation between given a topic. For example, it could be about getting grocceries.
and the writer can just write their dialogue according to their specified personality.
dialogue
I think this category could some work too.
Some, maybe even most, lines feel forced and even scripted. And I don't mean the ones where they're acting.
My suggestion is to add more lines and basically add more interactions in general to have a flow and with that will make the dialogue seem more natural.
descriptions
You lack description of setting, scene, and action.
Whenever they're in a new scene or settinf describe the eye catchinf parts of it. That is totally up to you which is the best part in writing.
Also when describing characters, don't put their entire character sheet into a paragraph. Just write down a few, maybe 3, features that grab attention.
Then describe other aspects as the story progresses.
Is it compelling
Personally, I like the plot and it's quite interesting since I still have questions and curiosities on how the plot will progress.
overalll:
I think this just needs more time in the work room and in storyboarding but the plot is pretty solid and I can see the potential of it being a good book.
Anyway, I hope I didn't come off as rude and was helpful at least in some way. Have a good day/night, farewell!