The hem of my skirt flew up as the gust of wind blew. It was the only time I considered blue to not be my favourite colour— when I had work at the diner and had no choice but to wear the uniform.
I smoothed my hands over my thighs, making sure the wind wouldn't succeed in showing my cherry underwear. The blue of my uniform wasn't the light kind I liked, it wasn't refreshing, nor was it electric. Whoever had designed it, had gone for more of a muted pale blue, and I couldn't even consider it as a pastel blue. No. If there was a good word to describe what kind of blue they'd used, the word would be sad. Definitely sad.
They'd used a sad blue.
And so as I rose my tiresome lids to the sky, trying to figure out if it would rain later on, I realised my sad blue dress matched the sad blue sky.
I wondered why this Saturday morning was so gloomy. I exhaled a long breath, letting the strong urge of wanting to go home out. It had been seven days since Harry was supposed to be back home. In that time, I hadn't gotten a phone call, nor had I been informed by any band member of why they may be delayed on coming back.
Of course I hadn't. I was in the dark once again.
I brought the cigarette to my lips and inhaled my second wave of nicotine. I felt it filter through my chest, settling into my skin, allowing me to feel as though things would somehow still be okay.
"Leave some for me babe, Jesus." Avery rasped out beside me. I furrowed my brows as I eyed her, blowing the smoke to her face as she took the cigarette from my fingers, brining it to her own lips. We sat against the brick wall outside of the diner, way out the back, where only workers could take their breaks if they didn't want to sit somewhere inside. We never wanted to sit somewhere inside.
We had split the total cost of a packet of cigarettes and bought them to share between us. We did it on the rare occasion. The rare occasion being when both of our lives were genuinely shitty as can be and we had nothing else to turn to, other than the idea of being someone we probably weren't. But it worked for us.
Avery was having a shitty day because— bless her whole being— last night she had done the dirty when she thought her parents were out for the night. Turns out they weren't, they were definitely not out for the night, and so when they came back with takeout in their hands, wondering where on earth their daughter was and why there was a silver truck parked in their driveway. Their first— and reasonable— thought had been to check her room, and they did. They busted that door right open and found some random boy— random to them— balls deep in their daughter.
I knew the story so well because of how many times Avery had spewed it to me— almost quite literally. She was having an outrageously shitty day because of it. She didn't want our shift to end for the exact reason of having to go home and look her parents in the eyes. The same eyes that saw her in her most liberated state. Instead of asking her for the cigarette, I let her have it for longer than usual.
Scratching an itch on my waist, I let my head rest back against the brick, not caring if the harsh texture would wreck my two braids. I didn't even want to think about why I was having a shitty day. But I did, because I loved to torment myself.
But the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got. Remembering how I'd heard my mother and father talk at the kitchen table early this morning, about how the band had been scheduled for some more last minute gigs, meaning they'd had to stay on for longer than anticipated. And how proud they both were that at least one of their daughters were making something of their life.
I'd listened to their whole fifteen minute breakfast, of how proud they were of Evie, of how they knew she would be the one to take her life seriously. I'd listened to it all while laying sprawled along the bottom step of the staircase.
And so in conclusion to their breakfast chatter, it was extremely clear that one thing was certain, and it was that I did not at all take my life seriously. And so it had been my idea to buy the packet of cigarettes for both Avery and I, as we dragged our limp— for different reasons— bodies all the way over to the diner at six in the morning.
I was also frustrated that nobody had told me anything. I wasn't really sure why I was surprised, but I was old enough to not be treated like a child anymore. I should know things, I should be told things, I shouldn't be overlooked. But I was, and I was so badly sick of it that I didn't know what had caused the switch inside of me to flick, but it had, and now my mind seemed much darker than it had been yesterday.
I felt a nudge to my arm and automatically stuck out my hand, reaching for the cigarette I knew Avery was passing me. "Seriously this is a new low, even for us." Avery huffed, scraping her red chucks along the gravel. I laughed, even though it was filled with every ounce of disappointment and no ounce of amusement, "I kind of didn't think we could feel lower. But, we've definitely proved that theory wrong." I said, reaching back over to her and feeling the stick slip from my fingers.
"I'm the family slut." Avery gawked out, a little giggle escaping her mouth even though her eyes were wide and glossy. My eyes ran over her face, then looked back out at the paint chipped fence, "And I'm the family reject." I shrugged, my face screwing up at the realisation of both our words, "That's fucking sad." I groaned.
Avery leant her elbows on her knees, head in her hands, fingers massaging the sides of her temples. "I just- you know what the most annoying part is?" I'd made a noise with my throat to tell her to continue as I took the last inhale of the cigarette, tossing it to the floor and scrunching it with the bottom of my shoe. "It was this guy I'd met at the library. Total spunk, but now he can't even look at me without picturing my dad and his eyes busting out of his fucking face." She angrily groaned out into her hands, her father was so sweet damn it, even I knew he wouldn't dare bring up the situation with her.
"Look, I know it's hard, I know it's going to be on your mind for fucking ever. But honestly, your parents are so cool, they're with it, the worst they'll do is have a sit down chat with you about being safe." I told her, hoping she knew that her situation was one of momentary discomfort. She sighed, "Fuck. I know. I know. I seriously cannot shake the mental image though. It's gonna be there forever isn't it?" Her voice was so soft and I hated the way her eyes watched me, all wide and seeking the words she wouldn't get, "I mean... most likely babe. Yeah."
She nodded slowly, bringing her sad little face to watch the chipped fence again. "You should try having a sit down conversation with your parents about how fucked they are. They can't talk about their favourite child in front of the other, that's like, parenting rules. Is it not?" Avery questioned, bringing another huff to my lips, "I've tried to tell them before. They just think that because I'm the youngest, of course I'm going to think everything in the world is wrong." I folded my arms across my chest, peeking behind the brick wall, trying to catch a glimpse of the clock inside.
Five more minutes was not enough time to prepare ourselves for another surge of serving people. Maybe my parents were right, maybe they drilled it so hard into my head that of course I'm going to think everything in the world is wrong. Maybe that's why I am how I am.
Disappointed. Let down. Never fulfilled. Forgotten.
I couldn't stand the thought of seeing the band come home. I thought if anybody could see how much of a grown person I was, it would be Harry. He treated me as much. He could make sure to phone me for some jacking off over the phone, but he couldn't phone me to let me know they'd be home a week late. I was so sick of being okay with everything. And I was so sick of being inside the walls of my own home. I needed an out.
"You really deserve more babe. I know they're your parents but, they shouldn't be treating you that way." She said in sympathy, and didn't I know it. I shook my head, annoyed that we even had to be having a conversation like this, "Let's not talk about it anymore." I groaned, standing up and wiping the dust from the back of my dress.
Avery narrowed her eyes at me, "How about Harry, we haven't spoken about him in a while." My mouth propped open instantly, my head beginning to throb, the last time we had spoken about Harry, things had been much easier. And so I breathed out an enthusiastic, "Let's not talk about that either!" I pulled her hands up, watching her stand tall and wipe the dust off her own dress too.
"I'm thinking... I'm thinking we need a pick me up. I'm thinking... Ace's tonight?" She suggested, for the first time today, a hopeful look residing on her face. "I'm thinking that's exactly what we need." I nodded, feeling exactly that. And so we both took a big, reassuring breath, walking one by one back inside.
I didn't want to think about how we had another six more hours of this, of moping around and thinking of literally anything better we could have been doing.
I didn't really want to think about anything at all, and so with a completely empty head, I grabbed a couple of menus from their slots, and began walking over to the family who had just entered the diner. I eyed them, smiles etched on each of their faces, looking at the littlest baby they held, I prayed a silent prayer... God help you.
-
Ace's was packed. I knew it would be. It was the most loved bar in town. Though that didn't stop the frown on my face as Avery and I walked through the entrance, "It's like they knew we were coming." She laughed, sliding her hands over the smooth wood of the bar top, "Marie, my woman, two of your finest cocktails for booth four." Avery sang, smiling wide at the owner, Marie, who watched Avery as if she were her own child, just without the responsibilities.
"My two favourite girls, would you like to know what will be in them? Or has today been that shit?" I smiled at her withered voice— a voice that had been through much more than we had. She knew we only made the trip down when the day was exceptionally crap, not that the bar was far from either of us, it was just that much of our comfort place we'd decided to save it for special occasions. "It's been that shit, we'll go into the unknown." I nodded, seeing Marie's bottom lip jut out, "You girls are too young to be hating the world so much." She shook, her maternal expression kicking in.
I let out a 'pfft' because here was a beautiful middle aged woman, no kids, and she still knew that hating the world was reserved for older adults only. If only that were true. Though as quickly as her expression had turned sad, she brought that wide smile back, "I'll give you a hint... the cocktails are fruity ones tonight, don't look at the specials board unless you wanna know what's in 'em. Now go sit down." She nudged her head over to our favourite booth, Avery and I each blew her a kiss as we turned around to make our way over.
Avery slid in first on one side, just as I did the same on the other. The stiffness of my jeans folded as I sat, busting into my stomach just that bit too much that I couldn't wait until I could take them off. "You cold?" Avery asked, her eyes flicking over me quickly. I narrowed my brows because even though the cooler was filtering through the bar, it was still hot out. "Why on earth would I be cold?" I poked back, pushing back the hair that streamed over my shoulders in the half up, half down do I'd put it in.
"The girls sure are feeling themselves then." She stated, as if it were totally normal. It took me a good minute to put her words together, and once I had, my hands shot up, brushing back and forth over my breasts in a panic, "Well maybe don't look at my tits then if you're going to be so taken aback by them." I whispered angrily. Though all she did was laugh, because she knew that anything that could go wrong today, most definitely would.
I shuffled in paranoia, looking down at my chest, making sure the white ribbed crop concealed what lay underneath. "It always does amaze me on days like these— when we've had it shit— seeing you so worked up. You never usually let it out." Avery exhaled, leaning back against the cushioned booth. "It's because on these days, anything could happen and I honestly wouldn't be surprised. Life is shit Ave, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong." I hated the clear pang of vulnerability in my voice, and the sad look she gave me made me hate it even more.
"The best thing for you would seriously be to move out. I know you can't, not yet anyway. But seriously, your parents won't ever change, I don't know how you stay so lively in that environment all the time." She said, shaking her head. And that was the age old question, that not even I knew the answer to. But I wasn't lively, or I sure as hell didn't feel lively, not one bit.
"I'm so tired of it. It hurts my head to even think about it. I'm just dreading the moment my mother pulls me for another of her chats, she's been slacking, it's bound to happen soon," I groaned before continuing, "Like, how the fuck does she think I'm meant to have a stable job, be married, and pop fucking babies out of me right now? I genuinely cannot take care of myself properly." Avery snorted out a laugh, filled with the same astonishment I was feeling, "No fucking thank you. Seriously, ew, no way would I even let you do that." Her head shook, gold hoops swinging with her enthusiasm.
As a dark uniform appeared beside us, our heads rose to the clean gelled hair of the bartender, "Two unknown cocktails for the two lovely ladies." He husked out, keeping a watchful eye on Avery for a tad too long. I knew she had seen it, but her usual spark hadn't seemed to be there. "As much as I liked that, I've got to say, I can't go to pound town with you tonight without thinking of my dad walking-" She chirped, until the bartender cut her off with a soft hand, "Maybe don't finish that story." And he backed away slowly, sending the two of us another wink.
"Maybe that wasn't the best approach." I softly suggested, tugging the icy cocktail glass closer to me. "Yeah, I figured... damn it." She frowned, going straight for the straw and placing it between her lips. I did the same, tugging the straw into my mouth, gulping down the fruity goodness probably quicker than most. "At least we can say we made it through the day, that's always an accomplishment for us!" Avery cheered, popping the cherry that hung off the side of her glass into her mouth.
In my still gulping state, I stopped, lips still settled over the straw as I mumbled, "It's not over yet." To which Avery grinned, we knew we should never speak too soon. And as the next few minutes passed, I had completely downed my drink like it had been the easiest thing in the world. So had Avery. Which led to her gesturing her manicured nails around in the air, sweetly shouting for another round of drinks.
We got served quicker than most, which wasn't necessarily a good thing for us tonight, because the second round had somehow turned into the fifth round. Avery and I were filled to the absolute brim with alcohol that definitely didn't taste like alcohol, "It just tastes like the sweetest soda ever!" I shouted over the pumping music that turned on around nine o'clock. I lifted my hazy gaze to the clock hanging above the bar, it was now eleven o'clock, and my mind was far too gone for me to work out how long we'd been here for.
"Right! No way is this an alcoholic cocktail. It's too- oh! Maybe it's a mocktail," She shouted just as excitedly, swerving to the side a little so that she could see Marie behind the bar, "Marie! You been serving us little baby drinks? I'll know if you have! Oh I'll know!" Avery continued. I snorted amidst my laugh, turning around to see a frantic Marie trying to serve the men surrounding her.
Though still, she shot Avery an amused look before yelling back, "I think the whole place knows there's definitely been alcohol in your drinks sweetie, don't you spew on my floors either." I pursed my lips in a giggle, turning back to Avery who had a 'maybe I do need to spew right now' look.
Peering to the right, with my new found double vision, there was a lone pool table that wasn't being used. I hated that my first thought had ventured to Harry, us beside that pool table, adrenaline pumping through our veins from being at a show. I shook my head, "I don't know about you," I began, shuffling out of my seat and stumbling over towards the green clothed table, "But this table looks very standable right now." Avery's chuckle was loud behind me, "Standable isn't even a word babe! Or is it? Maybe it actually is!"
But I soldiered on, hitching one knee over the wood of the table and heaving up the rest of my body. Before I even knew it, my heeled boots were standing on the table and for the smallest second, things felt good. Things felt somewhat tolerable and the airflow seemed to circle easier being this high up. What that possible? I was almost very sure it wasn't.
Avery came swaying her way over, standing before me on the floor, her head tilted to meet mine as she cheered, "This is exactly what we needed! I'm not the family slut, and you're not the family reject, we're just two fucking girls tryna live!" She stretched her long arms up, somehow passing me another cocktail that I hadn't even seen her get.
I took it, the slippery glass cooling my hands instantly, "Damn fucking right!" I shouted, bringing the fruity cocktail to my lips and downing it in one go. Which meant that now I was even fuller than before. I wiped an arm over my lips and felt the sudden hit of that drink being my last. My stomach pulled, but I pushed it away, because I knew if I spewed on Marie's floors, she would definitely make me clean it up... and that would be double spew.
So instead, I swayed my hips to the pounding beat of some rock song a group of men had just chosen, my hair flew about with the cooler circulating, Avery on the ground level, swirling and squealing her way around the pool table as if she was running laps. It was then that a chill flew over my body, goosebumps rising on the exposed skin of my arms. I wasn't sure if it were the cooler or something stronger, or maybe the drinks had finally worked their way into me. But it was the faint ring of the bell that caught my attention, meaning someone had entered.
"What the fuck is going on?" That god awful voice, I knew who it was straight away without even turning around.
And I didn't, I stood so still in hopes that I would become invisible. But it seemed as thought whenever I wanted to be invisible, it never worked out. The bar was still thriving around me, but now it felt as though I had a small radius circling me and within that, the party was definitely over. "You are not welcome here." I heard Avery grumble from behind me. I internally thanked her because I certainly did not want to deal with Harry right now.
I needed my time, I needed this shitty day to get over my shitty feelings, and tomorrow would be a fresh start. He could talk to me tomorrow, I would most likely listen to his excuse of why I hadn't heard from him in a week, but today was my day to wallow, and god damn it, that was exactly what I was going to do.
"I'm here for Mae." Harry said, his voice so raspy that I knew he had probably downed a packet of cigarettes all in one day. "Oooh you're here for Mae? That's cute. Mae. That's just sooo cute," Avery rambled in her drunken anger, "Mae. Mae. Mae. Well guess what, today is not the day for you." I could just imagine her fingers pointing him down, so much so, it brought a small smile to my lips.
I was still stood like a statue, back facing them, because I knew once I saw those gorgeous green eyes, that I would want to unleash my week of worry onto him. "I know you can hear me Mae, get down from there and let's go. I'm taking you girls home." Harry piped up, trying to be so gentlemanly. And I wasn't sure why it were those exact words that fizzled me out of my awestruck state, but they had.
And so I turned around, meeting his eyes instantly. They were gorgeous, as usual, and for a second I wanted to forget everything and crash into his arms and find the closest warm bed just like he'd said on the phone. His brows were arched and annoyed as he stared me down, eyes wondering what on earth Avery and I had been doing. But I watched him just as intently, gracefully trying to get down from the table.
Marching over towards him, I stopped just a few centimetres away from his chest, "She's right," I said, voice strong because of the alcohol, "Today isn't the day for you. Go home." My words only seemed to arch Harry's brows further, but I didn't know what he expected me to say, I hadn't heard from him in a week. It hurt that the rest of the band hadn't bothered to reach out and tell me, but it hurt even worse coming from Harry.
"What's going on with you?" He had the audacity to ask, it only boiled my insides to a fiery temperature. "Your day was what, last weekend. Not today, today is my day and I'm allowed to be pissed at you." I huffed, turning away and grabbing my bag that I'd left at the table. Though I heard his steps hot on my trail and knew he was behind me, and so as I turned back around, of course he was there, "You're pissed at me? That's what this is?" He said cluelessly, only making me want to lash out even more.
I shook my head, trying to level with myself, "Well, uh, maybe," I exhaled as if he should have known, "Obviously I'm pissed at you. And everyone else. But you... you could call me to shoot your load, but then you couldn't even call me for a second to let me know that you were going to be staying there for an extra week." There was a slight tremble to my voice, I loathed it with everything in me because I knew what it sounded like.
I was going to cry. I knew it, because as soon as the feeling hit me, there was no way to turn it off. I was surprised I'd lasted this long without crying today really, I guess it was some kind of achievement. But crying in front of Harry, that felt like my biggest downfall.
And it seemed as though he had picked up on it too, because his brows had dropped, the anger from his face had disappeared, and he was watching me with such fragile eyes like he couldn't even believe it himself.
Though it didn't deter him from grabbing my heart and twisting it some more, "Mae... I- it wasn't like that. I swear, I wouldn't do that to you. I just- it didn't cross my mind to mention it to you." I heard Avery gasp from beside me, I hadn't even known she'd been there. But I swear the world around me started to crumble, and for the quickest second I just wished for this day to be over.
I felt the warm trail of tears rush down my cheeks, ruining the light makeup I had on. Of course, another blow I'd have to take. I couldn't even look somewhat decent as I'd cry. But I just let them fall, even though it was embarrassing, it felt equally as refreshing to not have to hold them in.
Harry's face was unrecognisable, I'd never seen him look so soft, which only hurt my heart more. "Please don't cry baby." He whispered, taking a step closer. But there was no emotion left to give on my face, just tears coming out because I'd held them back for so long. "I didn't mean it like I'd forgotten about you, I just thought... I don't know what I thought, that you'd be okay with it, that you would have heard." If the alcohol wasn't going to make me hurl, it was definitely going to be his words.
Why did everyone always think I'd just be okay with whatever goes? God it was so frustrating, why was he starting to sound just like everybody else?
"Heard from who?" I whispered, wiping the corner of my eyes quickly, "Who would have told me? You know that no one ever sees me, I told you that, remember? Or maybe you had a point, you wanna know how I know? Because I heard my parents talking, as if it were something everyone should've known. I felt like such an idiot."
His face weakened at the double meaning of my words. "Baby, I'm sorry, I should have called," He moved his face a little closer to mine, his thumbs wiping away my tears as they rushed down. "I didn't mean to upset you like this." He sounded so genuine and honest, and maybe he hadn't intended to get me this way. But he did, and it didn't feel any better knowing that he didn't mean it.
His strong arms pulled me in and it felt like finally I was home, but I was crying and hurt and I was allowed to be. I pushed away the voice in my head that told me I was overreacting, because maybe I was, but I deserved to be remembered every once in a while, and it hurt even more knowing who I had been momentarily forgotten by.
"I'll make it up to you Mae, I promise, please don't cry anymore, please, it kills me to see it." He said, even though his words from what felt like so long ago, snaked their way through my brain. He'd said that it was okay to cry, even in front of him. But now that he'd been on the receiving end of it, I realised why I only kept these moments for myself. I was stupid to let him see me this way.
I swallowed a breath and leant closer to his ear, "Don't be like everybody else. Not you." I softly whispered, feeling his arms around me weaken slightly. My hands were cradled to my chest, and so I pushed him away gently, his eyes watching mine like he could reach into them and automatically make me feel better. "It's not your day," I said, the last set of tears drying on my cheeks, "Avery and I are spending it how we like. I'll be home later." I tore my eyes away from him, stepping around his body and meeting Avery's outstretched hand.
We walked gracefully out of the bar, Marie sending us a sad knowing smile. I didn't look back, couldn't look back, I knew Harry wanted so badly to take me home. But I needed this day for me, to get over whatever it was that I was feeling.
I could already hear Avery begin her comforting speech, I didn't know what I'd ever do without her. But the only thing running through my mind right now were those green eyes, those green eyes that looked at my tears like they were too sad to truly see.
It was too late to not let him get to me, he already had me, and even though I pleaded with him to not be like everybody else, I wasn't sure if he really understood the weight of my words.
Because if he ended up being like those around me, like the strangers in my home that overlooked me and assumed I'd just be okay with whatever they put me through... that was something I'd never recover from, knowing he'd been like everyone else.
It would just hurt me too much.