August 4
Cole
It's strange. Walking into the building— standing in the spot I was arrested less than twenty-four hours ago. It's quiet now. And oddly uneventful. No one greeted me at the door. I was at least expecting the head Security to have words, but nothing. I walked past the security office as usual and one guy was watching me from inside, but didn't say anything.
Even though it was strange, I let my guard down. I stepped into the elevator and tried calling Lonnie but the call went to voicemail. I'm not one to leave messages, but this time I did. I wanted to see him. Soon.
I walked down the long hall from the elevator to my door and stopped when I was standing in the spot I'd officially met Lonnie. That night— three in the morning.
He's on my mind heavy and he hasn't answered any of the three calls I've made since leaving Cobe's place. It's funny how we're in the same boat right now, Cobe and me. Waiting for a nigga to return a phone call not knowing what the hell could be going on.
There was a piece of paper on the floor when I opened the door to the loft. It must've been slid underneath the door while I was gone. But, I didn't stop to pick it up or read it because something else stole my attention.
I walked further into the loft. My father's chair had been cut up and the filling was all over the floor. The TV was bashed in and the couches flipped over. I walked down the hall and went upstairs to my pop's bedroom first. No one has been in there since he passed and the door was opened. My heart sank when I saw the family photo with me, Cecil Jr. and our parents, crushed on the floor. The bed had been undone and his computer was gone.
My first thought was that Jemaika was upset when I left. But what the fuck would she do all this for? She's crazy, but she's not crazy.
I stared at the photo from my spot in the hallway. I yearned to pick it up, hold it close to my chest and relive the day we took the photo at J.C. Penny's the weekend after I was adopted. Afterwards we went school shopping and sat together in a booth in the center of the restaurant where everyone could see how excited we were to be together— enjoying a new life; a life that was meant to remain as happy as that day was, but didn't. Now I'm standing in the hallway afraid to cross the threshold into my fathers bedroom. The last place on this earth that he drew breath. I wish I could give mine for him; he was too good to go the way that he did. They always did say the good die young.
Everything was strewn about the room in a manner that screamed 'fuck you' to not just me but to my father who lived forty years in this building and to my mother who gave her life to public service— a true woman of God if I never saw another. They painted the two words with big red letters in the way that all the clothes untouched for ten months had been yanked from the closet and haphazardly thrown about the room. How dare they scream in the faces of good people who did good things.
Not me. It isn't about me. This room is sacred. It encapsulated his spirit and his soul in a way that dared anyone who wanted to live to open the door. And we didn't. We never did. But this person, disturbed the last things my father left. Fuck them.
My chest heaved as I remembered coming into the home after not hearing from him all day. Trudging up the stairs after a long night shift at the warehouse. He always instilled the urgency of true labor— always. Nothing comes easy. Nothing comes for free. Not even the life we live— especially not the breath we breathe. We owe. We owe labor. We owe emotion and time and if we cannot master the art of holding it all together without ease, we owe our sanity. Once you lose it, your sanity, you can never get it back.
I grew sick at the sight of the orange pill bottle peaking out from beneath the overturned dresser in the center of the floor. Being reminded that just as he refused to pay up by quieting the voices that charged him daily was the same route I'd been taking, I stepped forward. Almost walking through the door, bravely I reached in. If only I could feel him again— see him.
I walked into the room only enough to reach the handle of the opened door and pulled in taught. The door clicked shocking me back into the reality of what was happening. Someone had come in and destroyed everything.
I went into my bedroom and began to pack clothes into a duffel bag. While packing, I tried Lonnie and again he didn't answer. Something seems weird. I dialed Damon and he picked up after a few rings which made me nervous at first but when he answered I was even more nervous because he seemed distraught.
"What's going on?"
"I got some bad news."
"What?"
"Lonnie is in the hospital. They don't know if he's gonna make it."
"Wait, what the fuck I been calling him all day! What happened?"
"I don't know, Cole. Ain't nobody talking to me, bro. I don't know what to do. And Sadé..."
"What's wrong with Sadé?"
"She went into labor, that's why we was here. That's when I saw them in the lobby. And they said Lonnie was there but they wouldn't tell me shit. I can't be stressed about Sadé and Lonnie right now."
"Why you ain't call me?"
"Nigga, I'm running on auto pilot at this point. I don't know what the hell is going on. Why did you get arrested yesterday?"
"What?"
"Cole. I saw you on the news in the hospital, in handcuffs. But you're out."
"Yeah, yeah I'll talk to you about that later. It's a lot going on. What hospital you at?"
"Henry Ford. But, don't come, aight."
"The fuck?"
"I need you to go check on Cobe."
"Why?"
"I think what happened to Lonnie has something to do with that Nigga that came to my house that day. I just feel like, don't know. Just check on him then come."
"Is her mom coming?"
"I don't know, I'm trying my best to be chill. You go check on Cobe, please?"
"Yeah, I will. Just call me, Alright? Keep me updated."
"Okay." He said hanging up the phone. Then Cole heard footsteps downstairs which caught his attention. He stood, sneaking to the door with the lightest footsteps he could make. He peaked around the corner, not seeing anyone yet.
Running back into his room, he opened his closet and reached up on the top shelf, opening a black box that encase a small gun for emergency purposes.
He snuck into the hallway making it to the stairs without a sound. "Who the fuck is there?!" He yelled once he got to the bottom of the stairs. Before he could turn the corner, a man came from the kitchen, throwing his hands up in defense once he saw the gun in Cole's hand.
"Woah, sorry!" He said, frightened by the gun pointing in his direction.
"I just saw your door open and the mess and was just seeing if anyone was here. I just moved in on the other side a couple weeks ago. My name is Trinity Garner."
Cole lowered his gun. Taking a step back from the man as he looked him over then reviewed the state of the kitchen, a room he hasn't entered yet.
"You're Luke James." He said, stunned.
"You always go into people's homes unannounced and uninvited, nigga?"
"Wow, I was just seeing if everything was alright. Imma head out then."
"Yeah, you do that."
"Somebody must really hate yo ass, cuz this shit don't happen in this neighborhood."
"Yeah, fuck outta here dawg."
When the young man opened his mouth to say something else, Cole yelled, "my nigga, get the hell out my muthafuckn house! Fuck you, muthafucka! Leave! Leaaaaaave!"
The man hurriedly exited the loft and Cole slammed the door behind him. Stepping on something crunchy reminded him to pick up the sheet of paper he saw on the floor. He picked it up and walked into the kitchen to sit down.
Before he could take a seat, he heard a knock at the door. A deep sigh escaped his lungs as he forced himself to walk back into the livingroom where the front door was. The person knocked again before Cole got to the door, swinging it open. He was faced with Oz who's face will never show his real age.
"The hell happened here?" He asked, walking through the front door. Cole put his hand out as if to say 'you tell me'. The two of them walked through the loft. Cole trailed Oz as he examined the damage. Once they reached the second floor, he stopped at Cecil sr.'s bedroom door. He looked back at Cole. "Can I go in?"
"Go ahead. It's a mess in there too."
"You went in?"
"No." He shook his head. "I couldn't. I just closed the door."
Oz nodded his head, looking down the hall. He turned to walk back down the stairs and the two of them met back in the kitchen— the only room in the house with minimal damage.
"So." Oz let out a sigh. "You know who did this?"
Cole shook his head. It could be anybody.
"You don't have idea why someone would break in?"
Cole shook his head again. When Oz gave him 'the look', be changed his tone. "It's been a weird couple of days, honestly. I have a list of people it could be, but nobody I know would go so far to disrespect my father like this."
The two of them sat silent for a few moments, watching the time pass. Cole mainly wondered what Oz was thinking.
He wiped his eye, catching Oz's attention. "You want to come to my house, til somebody can get over here?"
"Somebody like who? The police? I'm not calling them."
"Alright, Cole. But I don't feel comfortable with you being here by yourself tonight. Security obviously ain't doing their job if just anybody can come up in here like this."
"Prolly who did it."
"Oz, I spent the night in a cell for fighting one of them. They did this."
Oz shook his head. "I don't know. That don't seem like their style. Just come stay with me for a few days, okay? It'll make me feel better."
"Appreciate it, but I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"I'll call you if I need anything" he said, looking at Oz who was unsure, still. "I promise. If I need anything I will come to you."
"Okay. I'll check on you in the morning. You need somebody to come clean all this up?"
"Not right now. I gotta go take care of something."
"What?"
He shrugged. "I gotta go visit somebody at the hospital."
"Who in the hospital?"
Cole paused, unsure of wether or not Cobe ever introduced him to Lonnie as his nigga. If he did, it'd look messy. And it would prove what Oz said is true. He always says that Cole is a follower— always into what someone else is doing. But this isn't that. Not this time. But Oz wouldn't understand.
"Um. Dame." He said, "His girl is in labor."
"What? Nobody called me."
"It just happened. He just called like five minutes before you showed up."
"Five minutes is ample time to pick up the phone and dial another number."
"I'm sure he's planning on calling you. He's just a little on edge. I heard his mom died giving birth to his sister. You know how Dame is. He's most likely thinking that's what's going to happen. He don't show it, but he's very much an overthinker."
Oz shook his head in disbelief. "I didn't know that about his mother. I never asked about her." He sighed, looking down. He shook his head again. "I'm gonna come with you. I just want to be there for him."
"Okay, let me go g-" he stopped himself from mentioning the bag he was packing. "Uh. I'm going to change real quick. I'll be back in a few." He said, patting the table as he got up.
Over at the hospital, Jah was being cornered by his dad and Mav. When an officer walked by the two quieted down, but once they were out of view, Jah began to explain himself saying, "He just said he needed a minute to himself, I didn't know he was going to leave the house."
"You know how he is. Why the hell would you let him alone." Arthur asked, toying with his jacket to keep calm. They'd been at the hospital for 45 minutes waiting for a nurse to let them see Lonnie. Since it wasn't them who brought him in, he wasn't in the care of his doctor friend— so they have to follow regular civilian emergency room procedure.
"Because. He.. he was telling me some shit before. It was bad and I figured, he probably did need some time to process everything. And I wanted him to have his space to do so."
Maverik rolled his eyes at the logic. "What did he say?" He asked Jah.
"He said he was sorry... to you Uncle Mav. That he blamed you for shit he didn't know you weren't responsible for. That you actually helped him. Kept him from spending his life behind bars."
Maverik looked at his older brother, then back at Jah who continued explaining. "He told me in detail what went down that got him and Dame and Ajané put into custody. You did everything you could to keep his Ajané and Dame safe... from him." Jah paused. "The more I talk, the more this is sounding like a fucking suicide note, right? You know how niggas confess everything and start reevaluating their lives before they leave."
"Jah. Stop fucking playing."
"Pops. I'm serious. This isn't you or Uncle Mav or me or even Black we're talking about— this is Lonnie. I think he felt guilty. Imagine accidentally killing someone then suddenly you remembered that you killed a lot of other people too. All in the same instance. There's no way he could handle that. He probably felt he had to settle the score. He went over there and confessed."
"Nah."
Maverik leveled his hand back and forth across his neck in disapproval of the conspiracy. "Nah."
Jah nodded his head. "Plus, there's something else I didn't tell you, pops. And I'm sorry, but I thought me and the guys would be able to handle it before you found out."
MacArthur furrowed his brows, narrowing his eyes at his son, waiting for the next line of bullshit to come out of his mouth. Jah began speaking in a tone lower than before that made the two older men step in to listen. "The guys went over to clean up the mess after we found Lonnie and... Mo was already gone. Literally it was like a matter of minutes and the truck and everything was gone. We don't know if he's alive or if he's dead. And them getting to him so quickly means that-
"They saw the shit." Maverik concluded, cutting Jah off before he could finish the sentence.
"Fuck!" Arthur said through gritted teeth. He kicked the trash can that was beside them, causing a few people to look their way.
"This that shit I be talking about. Exactly why I don't bring my kids around."
Arthur mugged him, "I will literally blow your fucking head off in this god damned hospital if you don't shut the hell up with that shit. Matter fact, please take your ass home to your family, nigga."
"Who the hell you giving orders to?"
"Unc. It's probably for the best if you do." Jah said, trying to intervene.
"I'm." He started, looking between the two men. "Imma go check on Dame, then."
"That's a good idea. Keep us updated on them." Jah replied, patting him on the arm.
"Okay. Okay, I'll uh.. keep me updated on my boy please?"
Arthur looked at him like he has two heads, "your boy?" He exclaimed.
"Got chu." Jah said dapping his uncle before he walked away. He retrieved his phone from his pocket, "shit." He whispered sharply.
"What now?" Arthur asked. Jah held up his phone so that his pops could see the caller ID. It was Cole.
"This is why I ain't say nothing to Dame in the first place. Why the hell you had to go and talk to his ass?"
"I just won't answer. I ain't know Dame was gone call him."
"Nigga, all I'm hearing from you is how you don't fucking know shit."
"My bad. Imma just go back to the house."
"The fuck for?"
"I don't kno-" he stopped himself from completing the word as his father stared at him menacingly.
"Sit'cho ass down." He said calmly and Jah followed.
His phone rang again. "Just answer it." Arthur said, looking at Jah.
"What up doe?"
Cole answered, "I'm at the emergency room. Which waiting room y'all in?"
"No."
"I'm already here. I just need to see him."
"No."
"ICU." Arthur said, talking over Jah who looked at him exasperated. Cole hung up before Jah could say anything else.
"If he was there, he wouldn'a left him alone. I know that fasho." He said, looking at his son, disappointed.
Jah rolled his eyes. "You wanna adopt him too?"
"Ayo, where he at? What happened? I been blowing him up since earlier."
Jah just looked at him. Trying to read him. Trying to figure out why he was so adamant about seeing his brother. He looked Cole up and down.
"Jah. You aight?"
"Why you so worried about my brother?"
"Why can't I be worried about Lonnie? I'm missing sumn?" Cole asked, looking between Jah and an irritated Arthur who was sitting beside Jah in the waiting room.
"Ohhhh, okay. I see." Jah said with his bottom lip curled up, nodding his head, but not in approval. Cole backed up a little bit, looking Jah in the eyes. He became defensive against Jah's reaction to his presence. He too nodded his head, chewing the inside of his cheek.
"This is exactly what got him laying up in this hospital now. You fuckin' niggas." He said, looking Cole up and down. Cole had become hot in the head upon taking in everything Jah was spewing out.
"I never took you to be one of them niggas."
"One of who?" Jah spat.
"Homophobic."
"Nigga, you ain't a homo, that's the problem. I don't got nothing against my brother, just the niggas he choose."
Cole scratched his nose, looking over at Arthur who was sitting uninterested in the conversation.
"Fuck you. And fuck you too." Cole said, pointing at MacArthur. "Y'all sit around and let his ass get jumped on all the fucking time." He spat, getting closer to Jah. "Yes we fuck." He said emphasizing the last word, "and when we do I see every scar on his body that he got from you fuckin' niggas." He said, using Jah's own words from before. "You 'spose to be this big mufucka yet your own blood be getting bloodied in the streets while you where?" Cole asked, waiting a few moments for an answer.
Jah stepped closer to Cole, menacingly with his hands behind his back. "What? You gone shoot me in a damn waiting room? Get the hell out my face. I'm going to find my brother." Cole said, going outside to get some air before calling Dame.
"Yo, what room you in?"
"Why?"
"I'm in the lobby. What room y'all in?"
Dame told him the room number and Cole waited for Oz who was parking the car. When he finally met him at the entrance, they followed the signs to the maternity ward, quickly finding the room Sadé was assigned to.
"What the hell you doing here?" Dame started, seeing Cole but then softened up when Oz walked in after. He walked to him, they embraced each other. Dame then went over to Sade, taking her hand into his. He looked over at Oz who had made his way over to the foot of the bed. "This is Sade. Sade, this is Oz. My uncle."
"I can't believe this is how you're meeting me." Sade laughed, referring to her appearance.
"Nah, you're beautiful." He smiled, tapping the bed with his hat. "I'm glad I got to meet you at all with how private these boys be nowadays." He said, looking around to Cole and Dame. They both smiled, shaking their heads.
"Chey gone be back up in a few minutes. When she do, Cole we need to talk." Dame said looking Cole over.
"Who is Chey?" Oz asked.
Dame scrunched his eyebrows, "Cheyenne. You've met her."
"Oh, right. Cecil's baby mother." He chuckled.
They nodded their heads and Cole walked out into the hallway, checking his phone for any messages or missed phone calls that could've happened in the five minutes since he'd last checked. He went to Cobe's number and called him. He didn't answer the first time. When he called the second time, he answered groggily. "What do you want, Cole?"
"Damn, hello to you too."
"Hi Cole. What do you want?"
"I was just calling to see if you heard from ol' boy yet."
There was a long pause between the two. Cole was about to say something else to change the subject, but Cobe spoke up saying, "Not yet. But why you asking about him?"
There was another long pause. Cole didn't know if he should say anything about Lonnie. He doesn't know what happened or why. "I was just seeing if you were alright. A couple of us is up at the hospital right now."
There was a long pause again. "Sade is having the baby. Did you hear?"
He could hear Cobe shifting on the other end. "Naw, I didn't know. What hospital y'all at? I can be there in a few."
"You don't have to." He assured him, considering Cobe's feelings on hospitals.
Coke could hear the relief in COBE's voice when he said, "Well, let Dame and Sadé know I'm thinking about them."
There was another long pause.
"You sure you alright?" Cole asked again, getting that same weird feeling he had earlier when thinking about Lonnie. Like something wasn't right. The haunting sensation of sensing before seeing.
"Sure. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay?" He ended the call with Cobe just as Chey was making her way down the hall. With these growing thoughts and maybes and possibles wrecking him, he knew he wasn't in the right mental space to socialize with anyone. So, Cole began walking the other way, avoiding both her and the talk Dame wanted to have on her arrival.
He turned the corner and walked down the long hallway that connected the two wings of the hospital. Getting onto an elevator, he went to the floor listing the Intensive Care Unit. Stepping out onto the 3rd floor, he saw Mav and his brother walk into a room down the hall.
He concluded its most likely Lonnie's room and followed, standing just outside of the door so he wouldn't be seen. He heard the doctor talking and noted the stark silence in the room. There wasn't even the sound of a monitor. Then, he heard the four letter word he'd feared.
Cole sprinted to the nearest exit and trusted the pale colored cement building with his weight while he caught his breath. He stared out onto the busy main street before he dropped to the ground, sitting there with his face in his knees not knowing what else to do.
Everything had happened so fast. It was as if the weight of the entire year had taken a rest on Cole's chest. The sun shown brighter and the air grew thicker, choking him as he breathed. Pressure filled the pace behind his eyes threatening to break the dam that would release it all turning the day into a thunderous night. He has cried a lot this year, but he has not really allowed himself to feel the feelings behind those tears— it was more of a relieving than a healing and he hadn't known until now.
Like just before death, it all came back to him. Everything he'd loved, everything he's lost—all of it played like a panorama before him. What was it all for if it ends like this. Which is what he wanted — and fought — again and again and again.
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