TW: SWEARING, YELLING, BETRAYAL, EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN, PANIC ATTACK, MANIPULATION
I let Grammarly do the editing for this one guys... lmk if there are errors or if you're confused I promise I'll fix it <3
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I open my eyes and am hit with an incredible sense of isolation. It's black everywhere look, the floor is wet. I look down and see that I'm walking on water. The water is black too.
"Hello?" I tremble. I stumble back when the strange world lights up. My breath is taken away.
Lights. Hundreds of thousands of beautiful lights. They fall from the sky in strings and change colour. I touch one and it shrinks away like it's alive. I look down and see that I'm wearing a white dress. A tight white strapless bodice hugs my waist and billows out into a strange skirt. It didn't fall perfectly, it looked like the fabric of the skirt had been grabbed in random places and pinned to the bottom of the bodice.
What is this place? A place that was both grim and beautiful. It was cold and wet but also warm and colourful.
"Hello?" I call again.
"Hello?" a voice calls back.
I know that voice. It was feminine but strong. I spin around and see a shadow disappear. The shadow had thick curls and seemed to have a coat. But it was gone.
"Hello?" I call a little softer and walk to where it was, pushing past the beads of light. They continue to change colour. Instead of red, white and blue, they change to shades of purple, white and yellow.
"Hello," two monotone shadows appear behind me. I spin and catch their appearances for a second. Both wore hoodies and held large axes, one had a medallion.
"Hello?" my voice shrinks to desperation. The water splashes as I pick up my skirt and run. Shades of green surround me.
"Y/N," a deep voice says. I catch sight of a tall shadow with a gas mask on and layers of textured jackets.
"Who are you?!" I scream and my voice breaks. Blue. Bright blue.
"Remember," I squeal and leap out of my skin. A shadow behind me disappears, it was also wearing a hoodie but I didn't catch anything else.
"Remember what?!" I demand and try to stay strong. I tangle in one of the lights and thrash in the water until it lets go of me.
Shades of red, yellow and black. A masked figure.
"Remember us."
"WHO ARE YOU?! HELLO!" I scream and the room goes black and silent.
The only sound is my rapid breathing. Every splash of watcher makes me flinch, every swish of my dress.
"HELLO?!"
I shout as I sit bolt upright. I turn to where Dream was and then am hit with my surroundings.
I'm in my bed, at home. Dream isn't here. I'm not in a black room full of strangers. Why did I think Dream was here? Do I want him to be here?
I lean back against my headboard and cradle my knees to my chest. I wish Dream was here. I wish he was here to hold me and tell me everything is ok. For a moment I didn't care about my memories or what Dream had done. I just wanted him with me... so much.
I don't know how long I'd been there before I decide to go downstairs and get some water. It's still dark outside but in the distance, I see the tiniest thread of light on the horizon. Just before first light.
~~~~ Ranboo's P.O.V ~~~~
I set my crown on my head and straighten my suit jacket. I repeated my plan over and over in my head so I wouldn't forget.
Leave before first light so you can write a letter for Y/N. When you reach the community house it will be sunrise. Meet Tubbo in L'Manburg.
Phil's crows wouldn't be helping me today. Or would they? I don't remember asking. I take a deep breath and touch the emerald earring in my ear. Y/N made it for me. I wasn't even telling her that I was leaving for the day.
I shove my guilt away and make my way down the stairs. I sigh and pull out my book, my memory book, from my inner suit pocket. I open the pages to write a note for Y/N.
"Where are you going?" Y/N's morning voice was unmistakable. I turn around and see her sitting at a stool at the breakfast bar. Even in the low light, I can see that she's been crying. Red eyes and ruddy cheeks, messy hair. She wasn't alright.
"I'm going into town," I say simply and hide how I'm feeling. I want to ask her if she's alright. I want to hug her and tell her that everything is ok. But I promised Tubbo I'd see him for the whole day. I don't like breaking promises.
"You're going to see Tubbo again," she sees straight through me.
"I am. Is something wrong?" I ask gently. She shakes her head.
"No nothing. Go, have a good time," liar. I can't take the distance anymore, I move closer and stand behind the seat next to her.
"What's really wrong?" I ask her again, a little more firmly. She sniffles and looks away.
"You're gone all the time these days, it's just harder without you here. Come back to sleep," she almost begs me not to leave. Have I neglected her? I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I don't want to hurt Tubbo too.
"I promised I'd meet him early, so we'd have the whole day together."
"It's still dark outside."
"I know, I just have to write something down," I guess I don't need to write the note now, but it was the only way I could think to explain why it's so early.
"Why do you write like you're running out of time?" her words hit me. I've been writing more in the book now. Every day I see Tubbo or Y/N or Techno or Tommy or Phil or anybody I fear that I'll forget something. Something important that they tell me or just a nice conversation that we had. I want to remember. But I can't.
"Go back to bed, that would be enough," Y/N's voice is so strained and quiet it sounds like a whisper.
"I'll be back before you know I'm gone," I try to lighten the room but fail miserably.
"Come back to sleep."
"This meeting's at dawn," Y/N stops trying.
She gets up from the stool and walks to the stairs but stops at the bottom.
"Well, I'm going back to sleep," she sounds defeated, deflated. I feel my chest crunch, I don't want to leave like this.
"Hey," I say softly. She stops and I go to her on the stairs. Our eyes are level since she's a few stairs up from me.
I take her face in my hands and press our foreheads together. It was something we sort of developed on the road, a sign that we were being as sincere as we were able.
"Best of friends and best of women," I mutter to her. She smiles a little, Lorelei used to tell her that she was the best woman in the world when she was anxious. She'd tell her that she was the strongest and most beautiful gift the world ever made. She was the best friend the world could have given me.
She pulls away and then heads back up the stairs to her room. I sigh. I'll talk to her when I get home.
****
I feel like I'm walking on air instead of the prime path as Tubbo and I laugh. Tubbo keeps telling me wild stories about being president of L'Manburg. Just when I think he's run out he comes up with another one.
I like seeing him smile. I knew he'd been through a lot, seeing him smile made me happy. It made me feel like if he could still smile after everything then I could too.
"Ok ok so what's actually been happening in the white house?" I ask and try to stop my wild laughter.
"Well, L'Manburg is doing well at the moment. Trade has boosted a lot so we'll be sending out new forces to look for Y/N," Tubbo beams brightly at me. I smile back but then look down at my feet.
They were going looking for Y/N. With more people. They don't know where they're going. They don't even know about the Dark Army's territories. What if they run into a battalion? Someone could get seriously hurt. Someone could die.
"Tubbo, I've got something I need to tell you-"
"Sure bossman, but before you do I have to show you something!" Tubbo grabs my hand and leads me to a bridge of the edge of the coastline.
I look across and see an island in the distance. It looked to be snowing.
"Come on!" I zone back in and notice that Tubbo has already started crossing the bridge. I jog after him and catch up.
We cross the bridge and enter the island. Most of the island is covered in snow despite the warming weather. I follow Tubbo through a small spruce forest and to a bay of sorts. The water was frozen closer to the shore and I could see a pile of logs nearby.
"Welcome to Snowchester! I'm going to build a holiday home here for myself away from L'Manburg," Tubbo spreads his arms out wide.
"What are you planning to build?" I ask curiously.
"A cabin, you can have one too if you want one. We're best friends after all, it would be really cool," Tubbo's eyes are wide with ideas and visions of the future.
"That sounds awesome," I agree and Tubbo cheers goofily making me laugh. We are best friends. Best friends...
"Tubbo, I still have something I need to tell you," I say seriously remembering my worries from earlier.
"Yeah?" Tubbo misses the tone of my voice.
"I... I already live with someone," damn it Ranboo just tell the truth. I mentally kick myself but Tubbo doesn't notice.
"That's fine, they can move in too if they want to. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine,"
"She's not just anybody Tubbo," I notice Tubbo's face droop a little bit. I frown feeling perplexed.
"Is she your girlfriend?" his voice sounds a little dull. I nearly choke when I process his words.
"Uh ahem definitely not my girlfriend," I reassure him and try to compose myself.
"Oh well, do I know her?" He asks innocently.
"You know her, but she's a lot different from when you last saw her," I don't mean to but my voice comes out depressed. I feel our warm mood from our banter turn cold with the winds of Snowchester.
I look at Tubbo. He's frowning, brows knit together as he tries to work out why I mean. Suddenly it hits him, a thousand different things cross his features.
"Y/N?" he sounds broken, I can only nod.
"And you knew the whole time?" I nod again unable to speak. I'd hurt Tubbo, that was the last thing I wanted to do.
"She didn't want me to tell you, or anybody," I say softly.
"Why?" he looks even more hurt than before. I know she was like a sister to him, the fact that she doesn't want to see him again would hurt. I know it would hurt me.
"You might want to sit down."
****
Tubbo was silent. I came clean about everything. Well, everything that I could remember, which I hope was most things. Tubbo's eyes were clouded and grey. No emotion crossed his face as he processed the story. He didn't even ask questions in the middle, he always asks questions.
I watch him stand from where we'd sat in the snow. He turns away from me and looks out at the small frosted bay.
"Will she ever want to see me again?" his voice breaks a little. I shake my head, I wanted to answer but I couldn't on her behalf.
"I don't know, her mind is sick Tubbo. All we want to do is help her get better," I say quietly. One question hung in the air.
"What about Dream?" Tubbo had told me about the partnership he'd grown with the masked man. It was complicated and messy and driven by an incredibly unstable obsession.
"She loves him, there's no denying that. But she's repressed that love with fear of what could happen if they meet," I struggle to remember exactly what Y/N said to me.
She's going to kill me when I get home.
"Do you want to go back to L'Manburg?" Tubbo asks and finally turns around. My heart breaks a little as I see him push his feelings away. Rejecting them, refusing them, denying them access to the outside world.
I want to tell him it's alright to be vulnerable in front of me, that I don't care if he's not ok. But I know some things are hard-wired and that they take time to change. So all I do is nod.
The walk across the bridge and back to the prime path is quiet. We don't know what to say to one another. We're so lost in our own thoughts that we barely notice a person stop in front of us. I stop just before I bump into them.
I feel my blood go cold.
His mask gives me a once over before turning to Tubbo.
"Tommy has left exile, I'm looking for him, is he in L'Manburg?" no emotion. Just bits and pieces of different sentences. He barely even sounded like a person. He seemed nothing like anybody described, he seemed so much worse.
"What? Tommy escaped?" Tubbo manages. I look at him; worry creases my brow.
I know where Tommy is. I stay silent. But the look on Tubbo's face is enough to make me want to crack. He couldn't take much more news today.
"I'm widening the search, I suggest you initiate a team as well," Dream turns on his heel. I watch as he walks a few steps, throws an ender pearl and then disappears.
I look to my side for Tubbo, but he's gone. Frantically, I look around. Like Dream, he was gone with the wind.
"Tubbo?" I barely even realise I'm speaking. As I'm looking I hear a caw.
A crow. We stare at one another for a moment. So I did talk to Phil after all. Its raven feathers shine in the afternoon light and it leaps off the roof and into the sky.
It heads for the nether portal, I run after it.
~~~~ Tubbo's P.O.V ~~~~
The heat of the Nether does little to deter me. I feel my suit squeezing tightly on my arms and legs as I run. I bolt as fast as I can to the exile portal. The stink of the lava burns my nose and I hear a faint ringing in my ears.
I don't think. I just run.
Tommy's gone. Where could he be? Is he alright?
I feel the weight of the compass in my pocket. It was useless in the Nether, but it would be useful when I reached the overworld again. I skid to a stop when I reach the portal. It's broken. Why is it broken?
The portal was shattered with a massive gap where obsidian should be on one side. I couldn't get through this way. I look around, eyes darting in every direction looking for another way.
There. Another portal on the bridge above my head. I sprint back feeling my legs smack against the black obsidian bridge with every step. It only fuels me to go faster.
Tommy wouldn't leave for no reason. Something was wrong. Dream assured me just the other day that things were going well.
I leap up the stairs and launch onto the upper bridge not slowing for a second. I reach the next portal and head through.
I'm dropped in the middle of the woods. I fumble with the fabric of my pants and rip the compass from my pocket. My hands shake as the needle slowly stops spinning.
It points towards the lodestone in exile. I start sprinting again following the direction of the needle as accurately as I possibly can.
It's not long before I find a crappily dug pathway in the dirt. It must lead to exile. My heart pounds in my chest and I sprint, breathing heavily, over the rise.
I jolt to a stop.
What. The. Fuck.
My lungs burn. My feet ache. My clothes are crumpled and sweaty.
It looked like the remnants of a battlefield. The sky was grim and grey and the waves were wild and loud like a snarling wolf ready to bite anything that came near it. The wind whipped my face and stung my already teary eyes.
Holes. Deep holes everywhere. Holes that could have only been left by explosives. Powerful explosives. I look around and start stumbling further down the path.
"TOMMY!" I yell at the top of my lungs. No reply. I nearly trip on a random rock in the middle of the path.
I stop by a massive crater. Inside I saw remnants of white fabric and some wood. A boulder had been rolled a little ways away onto the sand of the beach.
"TOMMY!" I run down the path.
My chest is burning now. I try to hold myself together. I can't break down now, I have to find him. Sobs start cutting through my panting and every scream feels like it's ripping my throat in two.
"TOMMY!" I feel the sand stick horridly inside my shoes as I pace the beach. But there was no evidence of anyone being here apart from the craters.
No evidence. No indication of where he went. There was nothing here except loneliness and misery.
"TOMMY!" I head down the beach towards a cliff.
I look around me at my surroundings. Come on Tommy surely you've left something here for me to find.
I nearly shit myself when I see a scrap of green fabric on the point of a rock. I climb the side of the cliff and stand in the rock pools. It must be low tide.
I saw a deep pool further away from where I was standing by the rocks. I reach up and grab the fabric from where it was speared on the rock. My heart hammers and I pray it's a scrap of Dream's hoodie.
It's not Dream's hoodie. As I turn it over in my hand I realise that the sea-soaked fabric was Tommy's bandana. His favourite bandana, the one he never took off. The one I gave him when we were kids.
"TOMMY!" I scream even louder. Desperation set into my tone line a stone in water. A lump formed in my throat.
Why was the bandana on the rocks? Why not on the shoreline?
A giant wave crashes against the rocks and sprays me with water. I take it as a sign to move before I get thrown into the wall of the cliff by another wave. I leap back onto the sand and look up the shoreline.
"TOMMY!"
I look back at where I found the bandana. Why was it there? I follow the rocks up the cliff to the edge.
The realisation hits me in the gut. I'm lost for air, lost for words. All I feel is the trickle of a tear on my cheek.
"Tommy," my strangled voice whispers. I barely recognise it. I collapse on my knees on the sand unable to maintain enough strength to stand.
He jumped. Tommy jumped.
I sent him to exile and now he's never coming home.
I sent him to exile to die.
I sent my best friend to his death.
It's all my fault.
I can't tear my eyes away from the cliff. My vision is blurry, the ringing in my ears blocks out every other noise. The world falls away until I feel like I'm stuck behind glass. I sway a little bit.
Then everything starts coming back. The world rushes back, blood rushes to my head. Pulsating with a thousand different emotions.
TOMMY.
I barely even hear my wailing.
He can't be gone, he can't be gone. He promised we'd be together. I broke that promise.
My broken howling rings out into the wind. The only thing I can say is Tommy's name. Over and over and over. I rock back and forth on my knees. A part of me was missing.
And I'll never find that part again.
I squeeze the compass and bandana in my hand.
I hear the glass break.
~~~~ Ranboo's P.O.V ~~~~
I leap out of the portal and back into the overworld. It took far longer to find my way here. I ran into the broken portal and then ran around getting lost over and over and over again.
I spin around taking in my surroundings. A forest. Perfect.
"TUBBO!" I yell hoping that he'll reply.
Nothing.
This is bad. This is worse than bad. I don't even know what to call it.
Tubbo just found out that his best friend was dead. His best friend, the person he'd had tied to his hip for most of his life.
But he wasn't dead.
I can fix this. I can help him. I have to help him.
"TUBBO!" I sprint in one direction to where the trees seem to thin. I reach the edge of the forest and look around.
I see the ocean in the distance and hear the faint crashing of waves. Something about a beach tugs at a forgotten memory. I follow my gut and run as fast as my legs can carry me towards it.
The swelling of the waves draws closer and with it distant lamentings in the air.
Tubbo.
"TUBBO!" I follow the cries until I reach the coastline. I look around frantically and finally spot him kneeling in front of a cliff.
He thinks Tommy jumped.
I skid on my knees in the sand when I reach his side.
"Tubbo, Tubbo, Tubbo, it's alright, I promise you it's alright," I don't even think he hears me.
He latches onto me, gripping onto my back. I hug him back tightly.
The sound of his crying hurts me. I feel it physically hurt me. It rattles through my ribcage and echoes in my ears. He was in so much pain. So much unbelievable, incomprehensible pain. There was no way I'd be able to understand it.
To love somebody this much, to think of them as something more than family, was a trap. A terrible trap that we all fall into. We make one mistake and then they're gone, sometimes forever. We blame ourselves even though it may not be our fault.
Tubbo doesn't stop crying. Not even when his voice turns into smothered cracks and coughs and hacks. Not when he nearly falls over from the effort. Not when he runs out of tears to roll down his red cheeks.
He was broken. I had to fix him.
Eventually, after I don't know how long, Tubbo's cries break. They stifle and slow as he runs out of energy. It took everything out of him.
I gently push him away. Just looking at his dejected face makes me want to start crying. He looks as if somebody had taken the world from him. I guess they did.
"Tubbo, please listen, Tommy's not dead, I know where he is," Tubbo looks at me. I expected the life to shoot back into him, well, I hoped it would. But he had crippled himself with his tears.
"Where?" it doesn't even sound like him, but his mouth moves and his eyes lift to meet mine.
"Whilst Tommy was in exile, he was manipulated and abused by Dream. He ran away and found Technoblade, he's living with Techno under his protection," I say to him praying that it lifts his spirits.
If it does, it doesn't do so visibly. Tubbo nods slowly, I know he understood me.
"What do you mean?" I know he's referring to Tommy's treatment.
"He doesn't talk about it," I say.
I don't know why but my words break him again. Tears that were gone a second ago return, only now they're silent. Tears of relief? Tears of sadness? Tears of exhaustion? Just tears.
Tubbo flops back onto me and rests his head in the crook of my neck. I hold him again offering my support.
I notice the compass in his hand, the face of it was cracked. I see a green strip of fabric too, I have no idea what it means though.
For now, I just let Tubbo cry.
~~~~ Y/N's P.O.V ~~~~
I run the brush over Carl's slowly shedding winter coat. I spent most evenings like this. Before dinner, outside, just me, Carl and Steve.
Steve is leaning on my leg at the bottom of the stable. I smile, sleepy bear. Carl breathes deeply and then puffs it out in a snort.
"Hello Carl," I mutter under my breath in reply. I can feel the complete calm that encased both of the animals. Techno chose his companions well.
The endless happy energy from the wolves was a treat. But Carl and Steve's coolness was a true treat. I was so relaxed the other night by the fire with Steve that I had accidentally fallen asleep on him. I won't lie, polar bears make great pillows.
I hear the thin snow outside the stable crunch and I set Carl's brush down. I turn and see Ranboo walking towards me. I cock my head to one side in confusion.
He seemed eager to leave this morning, but he just seemed off now. He wrings his hands and fiddles with the pockets of his jacket. He's nervous about something. I catch sight of his expression and feel my chest clench.
He looked distraught. Completely, utterly distraught.
"Ranboo?" I ask gently. He leans his hands on the stall doors. I notice that he's seconds away from crying. I quickly move to the stall door and hug him.
"Ranboo please don't cry, you'll scar yourself," I whisper but Ranboo only trembles in my arms.
"Breath with me ok? In and out," I speak slowly and feel Ranboo's back expand under my hands. I repeat the words over and over. "In and out," I say trying to calm him down.
The last thing I want is for him to scar his face. I knew it would be hard to scar his face since it would take a lot of tears for the water to burn deep enough to scar. But I don't want him to be hurt either. If I saw steam rise on his face I think I'd lose it. I think we both would.
I feel Ranboo stop trembling and his breathing slowly become steadier. I pull back but keep my hands on his arms.
"What are you worried about?" I ask softly he shakes his head.
"Do you not want to tell me?" He hesitated before nodding. I sigh.
"Ranboo, there is nothing you can say that would stop me from being your best friend. You are everything to me," I smile as reassuringly as humanly possible. I'm telling the truth.
Ranboo opens his mouth to speak but quickly shuts it, shame crosses his features. I squeeze his arm gently. It's ok.
"Tubbo was told that Tommy was dead and he was going to send out more search parties to search for you. They don't know Y/N, they don't know about the Dark Army's territories. I had to s-stop it," Ranboo starts trembling again and I shush him like how a mother would shush her distressed child.
"Ranboo I need you to tell me what happened, please, it's ok," I tell him again. He breathes deeply before speaking again.
"Tubbo. I told Tubbo where you were and where Tommy is. He-" Ranbo cuts himself off to breathe again. He hits the stall door with the palm of his hand. I grab his wrist to stop him from hurting himself.
I couldn't care less about what he told Tubbo. I was just worried about why he was so distressed.
"Ranboo it's alright! I promise it's ok that he knows. I know you wouldn't tell him if you didn't trust him completely. I trust you Ranboo, I trust your judgement. Don't doubt it," I rub my hand up and down his arm to comfort him. He takes another deep breath.
"Tubbo is good Y/N. He cares about you genuinely, he loves you like family, he loves Tommy like family," Ranboo's voice breaks.
He exiled Tommy, some family. I shove the voice away. Ranboo was the priority.
"Tubbo said s-something about th- this guy in town who they have to follow orders from. I don't remember what he said. H-he said it was so they could g-get you back. That's w-why he exiled Tommy because he was told to by that guy," Ranboo struggles through his words, stuttering like he used to when we were learning languages together in the city.
There was another guy? What guy? How is this the first I'm hearing of this? Was he why Dream went mad?
"Y/N it's so complicated, s-so much more complicated than we thought," Ranboo mumbles and then plonks his head wearily on my shoulder. I run my hand through his short hair letting the soft locks thread between my fingers.
"It's always more complicated than we think," I mutter and keep running my hand through Ranboo's hair.
"I'm sorry Y/N, I broke our promise. I lied and I betrayed you. I promised I'd keep you a secret. I-I'm so sorry," Ranboo lets out a single sob and I shush him again gently.
"Ranboo, you are my priority right now. I know you and I love you. I know you did not lie or betray me for no reason. I know you never meant to hurt me, and that's why I'm not hurt," Ranboo lifts his head from my shoulder.
"You're not upset?"
"No, but you are. Come in here with me," I open the stall door and let him in.
Steve lets out a low whine, I feel his empathy. Carl also is confused. I hand Ranboo Carl's brush and he starts sweeping it through Carl's bay coat. I pet Carl's soft muzzle and he nickers contently.
"He looked like he was broken," Ranboo says suddenly.
"Tubbo?" he nods.
"He was crying on the beach in exile. There were explosion holes everywhere. He was just staring up at the cliff. I've never heard someone cry like that Y/N," I sigh deeply as Ranboo explains.
"I know what you mean, I've seen it before too. You don't forget things like that," I mutter and Ranboo looks over at me.
"You've seen that?" I nod solemnly.
"I was that," I whisper hoarsely.
"I'm sorry," I shake my head. He knows it's my way of asking him not to apologise.
"I remembered it recently. It was a memory repressed by Schlatt. Tommy nearly died in a duel with Dream, I wasn't there to save him. I entrusted his life to a piece of paper and my enemy. It was the biggest gamble of my life, but it pulled off," I try to explain the memory without bringing back the emotion of it.
I don't remember much from that night except for the way I felt. I felt like the sun would never rise again. I saw the world in red and black and only red and black. I was angry, so angry and I was in denial.
I grieved a person who was still breathing. There is no way to describe that sort of pain. Not to anybody else.
"I couldn't leave him like that Y/N or else... or else it would have..." Ranboo stumbles heavily on his words. I don't need to look at him to know he needs my help.
"Or else it would have eaten you alive," I finish for him.
~~~~
HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ON THE GRIND! ON THE GRIND! ON THE GRIND!
I'm going to be honest guys, chapters might slow for a bit after this since I'm running out of pre-planned ones.
I'll see you all in the next one, whenever that is!
Remember, upload schedule = non-existent. We fly by the seat of our pants people.
I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL MORNING/DAY/EVENING/NIGHT <3 <3 <3 <3