I have just come out of an on call room after sleeping when I see Alex "hey" I say jogging to catch up to him "thanks for the chocolates the other night" I say and he smiles, linking our arms "of course Andy" he says and kissing me deeply. "Alright love birds that's enough" Bailey says breaking us up and Alex gives me a puppy dog look "I'll see you later?" I ask and he nods "movies at my place"
I go upstairs to check on a couple of patients "how's it going T?" I ask the teenage girl in room 173, Tiana is a mixed race girl that has cancer and she is on a new drug trial "good, a bit tired and my feet were tingling earlier" she says as I pick up her chart. Scanning through it I nod my head absently "your sure you are doing ok?" I ask and she nods her head "yeah I am I-" but she gets cut off before she can say anything as she starts convulsing and I press the emergency button.
I lower her bed so she is lying down and call "I need a crash cart. Now!" And I start to do compressions. When a crash cart finally comes I grab the paddles "clear!" I say and press them down, her body moves but her heart doesn't pick up "come on Tiana" I mutter to myself, trying again. Thankfully after 3 more tries I manage to get her heart going again and I let out a huge breath "alright, I want checks on her half an hourly and I want a chest CT" and I head out of the room to my next patient.
——-
I try to find some of the interns, I need labs run for me and I make my way to the basement although I don't know why they would be there. I find a room and peer inside, the interns are all in there so I push open the door, looking down at my notes "hello, I need someone to run these labs and pull these X-rays, please" I ask nicely looking up.
Lexie practically jumps out of her skin and everyone looks sprightly afraid "will do" a dark skinned man says and stands up. I scan the room for a moment "this looks like a cool place to hang out" I muse "what are you guys doing?" Lexie also gets up and comes over.
Face to face with me she says "this is for interns, it's our hangout. Go find your own" I raise an eyebrow, shocked that Lexie has spoke to an attending like this never mind me. They all look at me with the same unblinking stare "sorry" I say throwing my hands up and I head on my way.
"Make sure those results are handed to me and only me do you understand?" I order the intern and he nods his head rapidly "good go" I say and make my way back upstairs.
—-
"What have you found?" I ask my resident coming back up to the peds floor, he starts walking with me and shows me the CT "she has a mass" I say before he can answer my question "it must be the new drugs" I push the door to Tiana's room and she is sitting there with her parents, none of them looking to happy.
"What is it doc?" Tiana asks looking up from her phone. She has been a long standing patient of mine, even moved hospitals when I moved to Seattle and I have a special connecting with this girl.
Sighing I sit down on the edge of the bed and hold the scans tightly in my hands "it looks like you have a mass Tiana" I tell her "in your lung"
Her mum gasps and clutches on to her husband "how did that get there?" He asks his voice rough, as though he has just woken up "I don't know" I admit looking down at my hands "although I believe it has something to do with the new medication she is taking for her cancer"
Tears well in the mums eyes and I feel awful for having to tell them this. "So what do we do now?" She asks, I stand up and clear my face. I need to be a doctor and not a friend. "Well we can take her into surgery and take the mass out" I tell them and she shakes her head, moving to sit with her daughter who seems to not know how to react "no I mean does she stop taking the medication?"
I ponder this for a moment, wondering what the best course of action would be "I would suggest stopping that treatment" I say and the mum sobs but I press on "we can put her back on chemo and go from there" the mum and dad share a look and their daughter picks up on it "I'm never going to get better am I?" She asks sadly and I feel my heart break slightly.
The mum leans forward and kisses her daughters forehead and strokes her hair "of course you will sweetheart it just takes time"
I step back and look down "I'll let you make a decision and I'll get an OR ready to remove the mass" I say and go out with my resident trailing behind me.
——
I am walking through the OR floor, minding my own business when I notice Mark and Derek laying into Owen Hunt. "Hey what's going on over here?" I ask catching all of their attention. Mark and Derek look over at me while Owen keeps his eyes locked on the two me "well?" I ask folding my arms and waiting expectantly.
"We got a patient" Derek explains "and he is in bad shape, crushed in a trash truck" I nod my head still listening "he is in critical condition and Hunt won't let us patch him up" I look over at the ginger haired man "is this true? Your just packing him up and letting him walk out?" I ask and Hunt gives me a stern look.
"He doesn't want our help" Owen says deeply and I shake my head "we have a duty to do what is right Owen, that man sounds like he won't die without treatment" he scoffs and folds his arms, giving me a cold look "sounds being the key word, he is coherent and simply stated he does not want our help"
This makes me hesitate and I wring my wrists awkwardly "if he explicitly said the words then there isn't anything you can do" I tell my two favourite boys (well expect for Alex) "you could be sued if you even attempted it without his permission" Mark groans and rubs the back of his neck and Derek looks down at his feet.
"You were supposed to be on our side Andy" Mark says and whirl to him "I'm on no one's side but the patients" I say before storming off. Ugh men.
As I walk past a nurses station I see Lexie "hey Lex what's up?" I ask coming round next to her and she jumps. What is with this girl today? "Oh nothing" she says flashing red, I nod awkwardly and start off again before she stops me "I'm sorry about earlier" she says and I stop, turning back around to face her.
"You don't have to apologise, you didn't do anything wrong" i tell her honestly and she shakes her head "no I was rude and I shouldn't have been. You helped me the other day and I repayed you in rudeness" I smile and step forward "honestly Lexie don't worry about it, I'm not your sister" she seems to relax and I give her shoulder a little squeeze "catch you later" I say and head into the OR for Tiana's surgery.
———
"The surgery went well" I tell her parents while Tiana is being wheeled up to recovery. Mrs Marin collapses into her husband who holds her tightly, kissing the top of her head "thank god" she says and I smile.
"Have you thought anymore about taking her off of the medication?" I ask and they both look at each other. The type of love they have, watching it grow and develop over the years I have treated their daughter. I want that, I want all of it and I want it with Alex. Mr Marin nods his head and they both turn back to me "yes, we want to take her off" I nod my head in return and write it down on my paper I'm currently holding "alright we will take her off of it straight away and we can start Chemo back up in two days"
I don't know where I'm going but I know it isn't to the peds floor and when I finally reach Marcus' room my breath has been stolen from me. He is sitting there, reading the book I got him for our year anniversary and when he notices me he looks up. His eyes bright, he smiles "Andy" he breaths out "I didn't think you would come".
I step further into the room "neither did I" I admit more to myself then him. He puts down the book and adjusts his position.
"I'm sorry we left things on bad terms" he says scratching the back of his neck and look almost sad. I almost believe it. "It was your own fault" I say fold my arms and look down "everything that happened, happened because of you"
"I did those things because you pushed me to them" he says and I laugh darkly, throwing my head back I'm looking at the ceiling. "You don't honestly expect me to believe that I pushed you to break my ribs? To put me in the hospital on our wedding night? To cause a car accident knowing I was pregnant?"
That last one seems to cut him short "what?" He asks shifting uncontrollably. I look shocked and lower my arms "in New York. When I was with Mark, I was pregnant with his child" then something clicks into place "you didn't know"
He shakes his head "I didn't. I thought it was Mark in that car, that's why I did it. I truly never meant to hurt you that day Andy" I take a step back
"So you admit it?"
"Admit what?"
"You caused that crash. The crash that made me loose my child" I say my hands shaking. He opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off "you've done enough damage Marcus" I say and leave the room.
I take a quick turn towards an empty storage cupboard and close the door behind me. Slowly I go over to the opposite wall and slide down it. I start to cry and I have the urge to scream although I don't as that would alarm people and that's the last thing I want right now. So I sob into my hands, my entire body shaking, I want nothing more then to erase those memories to be erased from my brain but now they are falling into the forefront of my mind. Making me relive the worst few weeks of my life over and over again.
I am driving down the New York busy streets, singing along to the song playing on the radio. I feel a tiny kick on my stomach and I wince, I stroke my hand over the bump "it's alright little one" I speak out loud "we are going home to daddy and he has plenty to say to you" the kicking stops and I smile. I am four months pregnant with a baby boy, Mark and I have just decided on a name. Nico. Nico Tearney-Sloan.
I found a corner and just as I do that another car collides with my own at such a fast speed that my car spins and flips over. My heart falls to my stomach.
The closest door creaks open and Meredith comes in "Andy?" She asks spying me on the floor "what are you doing? Are you ok?" I just look up, still shaking and move my head side to side. No I'm not ok. She hesitates and reaches for the door "I'm going to get Alex" before she can go I take a shuddering breath and say "can you get Mark. No Alex" this throws her off but she nods her head and disappears.
A few minutes later Meredith appear with Mark behind her. As soon as he spots me his gaze softens and he mutters "alright Grey, I've got this" and she leaves. Mark shuts the door and comes over and sits beside me "you went to see Marcus didn't you" he says and i nod, wiping my eyes which are stinging from all of the crying "he meant to hurt you Mark" I say looking up at him "that day I got into the accident, the day Nico-" I can't even finish the sentence.
Mark sighs and takes my hand in both of his, running circles on my palm "I still think about him" Mark admits after a moment "all of the time, I wonder what he would have grown up to be like. What sport he would play, what subject would be his favourite" I lean my head on his shoulder and add "if he would have my eyes or yours"
Mark scoffs light heartedly "he would have my eyes, the Sloan genes are story" and I let out a half laugh.
We sit there for a few minutes in silence before Mark clears his throat and stands up, offering his hands to help me up as well. Once I am standing Mark wipes my remaining tears away and reaches for the door "Nico is still here, in us. He lives his life through us every single day" I smile and take a step forward. Ready to leave this dusty supply closet.
————
At lunch I sit with Alex, both of us silently munching. I spot Meredith and Derek talking on their way over to a table and I keep my eyes on them sneakily "staring is creepy and it makes you look crazy" Alex says and I switch onto him, narrowing my eyes "I'm not staring and it's not creepy"
He snorts and plays around with his food "you are so staring, I'm starting to feel like you have a personal stake in their relationship" I frown and take a bite of my pasta angrily.
"Derek is my friend, I am looking out for him" I say after swallowing my bite. "Meredith is my friend and I'm not obsessing over their relationship" I roll my eyes and my phone starts to vibrate. It's my sister. Getting up I grab my tray and kiss Alex on the cheek "my sister is calling, I've got to go. Love you" and I walk away.
I silently freak out, did I just say that!? And so casually. What the hell is wrong with me!?
I step outside and answer the phone "hola hermana" I greet and Ronny speaks quickly in rushed Spanish "why didn't you tell me you are dating someone!?" I roll my eyes, of course mama told her they haven't even been there a day and already she is spilling all of my secrets.
"Honestly I haven't had time" I reply back
"How did it happen?"
I run a cold hand through my hair and gaze at the people coming in and out of the hospital "I don't know. It sort of just happened" my pager beeps and I look down to check it "Ronny I've got to go. I love you" she says it back and I hang up rushing upstairs.
——-
Later that day I am sitting on Karev's bed while he is downstairs making us both hot chocolate. I pick at my nails nervously and when he comes back up I almost fall of off the bed "woah" he says coming over and handing me a mug "what's got you all jittery?"
I wrap my hands around the mug, letting the warmth seep into me and hoping it gives me enough courage to tell him what I need to tell him. I take a deep breath and turn to him "I am going to tell you something and I want you to promise me you won't be scared away" this seems to concern Alex but he nods his head, "ok I promise"
I take another deep breath and a sip of my drink before I start "as you know back in New York, Mark and I were together" Alex nods his head letting me continue "well, what you don't know is that I was pregnant" I feel a pit forming in my stomach but I press on "I was four weeks pregnant when I got into a car accident, one that was created by Marcus. Today he told me I wasn't the intended target, that Mark was the one that he meant to hurt and that day cost me my babies life"
I realise tears are falling when Alex moves closer and wipes them away "I had to continue to carry this child, this boy inside of me until I went into labour and I delivered a still born" a weight seems to have been taken off of me as Alex wraps his arms around me and pulls me into him. He gently soothes my hair and kisses the top of my head "I am so sorry you had to go through that" he says gently "and I could never be scared away by something like this. This wasn't your fault" I look up and his dark eyes meet my own "I love you Andy and nothing you say can ever change that"