We stayed on that platform for a few hours. Drying out in the heat in between swims in the cooling waters. Seven doesn't try to kiss me again, in fact he hasn't even touched me since he told me he likes me.
But he hasn't withdrawn from me, which I suppose is a good thing. Seven's mood is uncharacteristically upbeat and he smiles a lot even at the smallest things. It's almost as if his confession of how he feels has lifted some weight off his shoulders. We talk for hours, about nothing and everything. He asks me about my favourite scholars I've studied, my favourite music, my favourite memories from growing up. He tells me the meaning behind a few of his tattoos. The birds on his chest are swallows and are apart of the gangs emblem. The butterfly tattoo over his sternum is in tribute to his mother and sisters, beautiful and too delicate to know him in his harsh world. He tells me of his four month long addiction to Coca Cola when he was eleven. He could drink six cans of it a day and stopped when Curby took him to a dentist, he said the dentist had traumatised him by showing him photos of rotten teeth so he stopped drinking it. But that once he was fifteen he started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. He quit smoking cigarettes about a year ago, but still struggled with his drinking for many years. When Seven was eighteen he began drinking heavily, although he's much better with it now he explained he still struggles with the urge to binge on alcohol.
We sit in the car park of the liquor store before my shift still talking.
I ask him about the worst thing he's done working for his uncle. He's very hesitant to talk to me about it but I try explain to him it's something I need to know, I don't have to understand it I just need to know.
"I don't want you to know about that side of my life." Seven says quietly, looking down at his lap ashamed.
"I need to know though Seven."
"I know. I know you do but I'm not ready for you to look at me differently." He says quietly.
"You don't know that." I reach across the centre console to rest my hand over his. Seven turns his palm upwards under my touch and threads his fingers with mine to hold my hand. It feels so nice, his hand is so warm.
"What do you want to know?" Seven asks after a pause of silence. He keeps his eyes fixed on our intertwined hands as he speaks.
"What do you do with people in the basement of the club?" I ask him first.
"Depends why they're there." He cops out of an informative answer.
"Okay well what reasons would they be there for?" I try another approach.
"Could be for a punishment or interrogation." He answers, his thumb begins stroking over the back of my hand he's holding.
"How do you punish people?" I question, I'm a little apprehensive about what he's going to tell me next.
"We have a range of different punishments for members but mostly it's just beatings. Interrogations are...not as nice." Seven grimaces and I swallow the hard lump forming in my throat.
"What do you do for interrogations?" The words find their way out from my tight throat and Seven looks at me, his eyes pleading.
"Lilianna I don't think-"
"Please just tell me." I interrupt him and he looks at me, his face is pained. I know he doesn't want to tell me this stuff in fear of my reaction to him but I need to know. I just need to know what Seven is capable of.
"Uh, fuck sakes I guess I should explain that these people are bad people which is why I do it." He says first and I just nod. Seven frowns deeply as he stares at our hands.
"I've hit some people with a bricks before, it breaks their face up pretty badly. I've uh whipped people with metal chains. Shot a few—"
"I thought you said you've never killed anyone before?" I interject.
"I haven't, no. I've seen a lot of people get killed though and gotten rid of a few dead bodies but I've never actually killed anyone myself." Seven closes his eyes, ashamed of his confessions.
I don't know what to say, I don't know what I had expected him to say but I am glad he didn't lie to me about killing someone.
"D-Do you ever feel remorseful for the things you do to people?" I watch him closely for his answer. Seven takes a deep breath through his nose before answering.
"No." He says simply. His complete lack of contrite is a little shocking and I pull my hand out of his. Seven snaps his head to me.
"How could you not feel bad about literally torturing people Seven?" I frown at him, unable to hide my disgust.
"Because this is my life Lilianna. This is what I do, this is how I was raised." Seven defends, he sounds unnerved but his eyes are glistening with worry. I can't help the disappointment I feel at his answer. Has he no remorse for the hurt he causes?
"You think that's some kind of justification? You hurt people Seven, and you don't even care? You have no remorse?!" I ask bewildered, my eyes looking over his face for any sign of resentment. But all I see is frustration.
Seven's frown deepens between his brows.
"This is why I didn't want to tell you about this shit. I knew you wouldn't understand." Seven raises his voice slightly in irritation.
"This is all I know Lilianna! You think any of us have the capability to do what we do and feel bad about it? Fuck no. There's no room for that kind of shit. Any sign of weekness and Victor will see to it that you're toughened up. I was ten when my father died and you wanna know what Victor did to me for crying at his funeral?" Seven begins to yell in the car, his voice filling the small space. I don't answer but he continues.
"He beat the shit out of me! He beat me till I couldn't stand up! Just for crying at my own fathers funeral! I was fucking ten for god sakes! You think a man that does that has time for anyone to be remorseful about the shit that we do?!" He asks rhetorically and my eyes begin to water. Heartbroken for a young Seven and this life he's been forced into.
"I learnt from a young age feelings made you vulnerable and weak. So no, I feel nothing about what I've done to other people. They'd do the same to me and feel just as empty about it." Seven seethes, his expression hard as he looks at me.
I try my best to blink back the tears welling in my eyes and try to breathe through my closing throat. I don't know what to say still. He's right, that I don't understand how someone could be so cold about inflicting pain on others. But like he's said this is how he was raised, this is his life. This is all Seven knows. From a little boy he was taught not to trust people, not to show emotions, not to build relationships. He's been deprived of the most normal things in life so I can't hold it against him how he's turned out. He's a byproduct of a gang upbringing from no fault of his own.
I understand Seven's explanation for his mercilessness but I'm disappointed by it at the same time. I had hoped he were somewhat remorseful. But he just isn't. If he's so incapable of feeling that way then how is he going to be capable of feeling anything for me?
"Are you going to say anything?" Seven questions my silence. I don't know what to say. I really don't.
I bite the inside of my cheek and shake my head, turning away from him to look out the window. Seven sighs, I don't need to look at him to know he's upset by my silence.
"Do you feel differently about me now?" He asks a lot quieter than before.
I shake my head again. In all honesty I knew deep down what he was capable of and I have been preparing myself for possibly much worse. I had been naive to hope the good in him would be reflected at all in his other endeavours. I can't picture the man I saw laughing in the water with me today hurting other people so coldly. It's like he's two different people. But the truth is both those people are Seven and I have to accept that.
"Are you sure? You won't even look at me." Seven's voice breaks at the end and I shoot my head to the side to look at him. His green eyes are anxious as they look over my face.
"I just need some time to let this all sink in." I explain and he nods understanding, his face still etched in distress.
"Okay. Can I pick you up when you're finished?" He asks me and I fold my lips into my mouth.
"I'm just gonna get an Uber. I think we should have a little space so I can think." I don't want to be apart from him, but I know being with him will distract me from how serious his impassiveness is.
Seven looks away from me, staring straight outside the window shield so I can't read his face.
"Okay." He says, I can't pick out the emotion in his tone or if there's even any in it.
I grab the handle of the door opening it slightly, glancing over once more at Seven, his jaw is clenched and tight, his stare cold and avoiding. I don't know what he's thinking but I know he's upset.
"I like you too, Seven." I tell him and get out the car before he can react.
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SEVEN'S POV
"I like you too, Seven." Her voice plays over and over in my head as I drive home.
Today had been so perfect, I never thought I'd be able to experience a day like today. Swimming with her felt like a dream, like I was someone else for a few hours. A regular, normal guy spending time with the girl he likes. I haven't laughed like I did today in a long time. I don't even remember the last time I actually laughed like that. Everything had been so perfect until half an hour ago.
I saw the way she looked at me, just how I knew she would after being honest about the things I've done. I wish I had lied, wished I had downplayed my involvement in those violent actions but I know lying to her about it would be even worse.
I can't lie to her, as much as it hurt seeing the disappointment in her face she needs to know me. The other me. The me I am when she isn't around, the me I'd prefer she didn't have to know about.
"I like you too, Seven."
I'm hanging on to those words. I hope after she's had time to think about everything I told her this afternoon she'll still want to be around me.
When I pull into my driveway the large gate is already open and Curby's red truck sits in my driveway. Great, I guess he's back from partying the last two days.
I pull up next to him and he gets out of his truck.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Curby grins at me when I get out of my car.
"Nowhere."
"Let me guess..." Curby lifts his chin smirking at me.
"Let's not." I frown, already pissed off by him and start walking inside.
"You skipped out on kick offs and ran back here like a lost puppy. You need to watch how obvious you're making this for me." Curby jokes, following me inside my large house. The grand hall echos his voice as he talks.
"I had shit to do here." I lie, dumping my keys on the kitchen bench and grabbing a water bottle out of the fridge.
"By shit do you mean Lilianna?" He teases and I shoot him a warning glare.
"No. I haven't seen her." I lie again, I'm a good liar. It's easy for me to lie to people unless it's Lilianna. She has a way of making me lose all composure.
"Hm." Curby leans on the white marble bench with his elbows. I don't care much for decor, and I never use to spend much time in this house but I'm beginning to realise how having the entire interior be white gives me a fucking headache. Or maybe it's just Curby. It's probably both.
"I guess that's good then." He comments and my head rolls to the side in question.
"What does that mean?"
"You had me worried up north. Your little panic attack had me thinking maybe you were a little attached to her." He shrugs.
"But I guess if you still haven't seen her it's not as bad as I thought." He comments.
"I'm not attached to her. I was just stressed over work and getting the last shipment out." I lie again and Curby nods, believing me.
"Good well I'm glad. Shit like that doesn't work out nicely. I've been with chicks like Lily dude. Shit never ends well." Curby sighs and my interest piques.
"What?" I frown at him confused.
"Chicks like Lily don't go for guys like us man. I mean they do for a little bit cause they're tryna piss off their dad or whatever but they get bored of it eventually and end up marrying those clean cut, nice guy types." He shrugs.
"You think Lilianna is like that?" I scrunch my face is disbelief, I'm slightly surprised Curby even has an opinion on her, no matter how wrong it may be.
"One hundred percent." Curby nods.
"She doesn't have a dad to even piss off. He died." I reveal to him and Curby's brows raise, probably surprised that I know something like that about her.
"That's even worse, she no doubt has daddy issues-"
"No she doesn't." I interrupt him in her defence. He has no idea what she's like. I've met plenty of women with daddy issues, she's not like any of them.
"Jeez calm down." Curby smirks at me, humoured by my quick irritation.
"I'm just saying. Lilianna isn't what you think." I tell him and take a drink of water.
"Maybe not, but I know she doesn't belong on our side of the tracks. Mesha said they go to university together but only became friends when Lily applied for the job. She said that Lily's friend group are a bunch of preppy snobby kids." Curby reveals and I fold my bottom lip into my mouth.
Lilianna's hardly mentioned her friends to me before, only that they'd all got fancy internships which made her feel bad about herself. I don't really know much about her life outside of the club. I know she wasn't brought up rich and snobby, so I don't understand why that's the kind of crowd she hangs out with. Mesha is the only friend of hers I've met, and that's only because she works for me.
I wonder if her other friends know about where she works? Would she even tell them? Would she tell them about me? About the day we had together today? I'm leaning towards a no.
"What are you doing here anyway?" I change the subject.
"Just came to check on you." Curby shrugs and I frown at him.
"Okay, well I'm fine. You can go now." I twist the lid back on to the water bottle and Curby rolls his eyes at my discourtesy. He's use to it by now.
"Good to see you back to your normal self instead of spewing your guts up on the side of the road." He chuckles and I pull my middle finger at him.
"Fuck you it was a stressful two weeks."
"Should of got fucked like the rest of us during kick offs so you weren't so stressed." Curby retaliates and I just shake my head at him.
"Next time." I lie to get him off my back and he stands up straight from the counter.
"Righto then. I've got shots and thots waiting for me at a bar for my last night off. You enjoy...whatever it is you've been doing." Curby drums on the marble counter as he leans back.
"Mmm." I hum ignoring his departure and make my way across the marble floors to go shower.
I can't believe Curby thinks Lilianna is some snobby, too good. She's actually really smart, and not in one of those rub it in your face to make you feel dumb kind of ways. Nothing she's done while spending time with her has ever made me feel like she was doing this as some kind of entertainment for herself. But then again, I don't really know how girls play games, I've never amused a girl long enough for anything like that to happen. But Curby has, and Curby knows girls unlike I do, so maybe he's seeing something I'm missing.
My head is so muddled with too many thoughts from today. I need quiet, I need to just stop thinking.
I walk through my bedroom and into the large bathroom, closing the door behind me. I turn to the settings keypad next to the door, turning the blackout settings on. The lights shut off immediately and the shield blinds close across the one window on the far end of the bathroom. I strip myself of my clothes, abandoning them on the floor by the door as I walk to the expansive shower. It's ridiculously big for a shower, completely pretentious and unnecessary but it does the job.
I lock myself in the glass chamber and turn on the water. Waiting blindly for the cold drops to cascade down from the high spout in the ceiling. I don't even flinch at the unpleasant temperature, instead I move to stand directly under the stream of cold water. Letting it blanket me and numb my mind.
The water heats up drastically, soothing the goosebumps over my skin.
"Either you want me or you don't, there's no in between for us."
"You can surrender yourself to seek a happiness for yourself."
"I like you too, Seven."
"Chicks like Lily don't go for guys like us."
"I like you too, Seven."
"End up marrying those clean cut, nice guy types."
"I like you too, Seven."
"You hurt people Seven!"
"A woman will make you weak!"
"I like you too, Seven."
"I'll skin her in front of you."
"I think we should have a little space."
My mind races so fast I can barely keep up. The voices torture me, echoing in the darkness, bouncing off every wall, ricocheting back at me with force.
"Ah!" I growl from my throat and run my hands over my wet hair, pushing it out of my face.
"You have no remorse!"
"End up marrying those clean cut, nice guy types."
"I can't keep doing this with you Seven."
"Shut up!" I groan into the steamed air.
"You hurt people Seven!"
"You don't feel bad?"
"You have no remorse!"
"Chicks like Lily don't go for guys like us."
"Shut up!" I yell and slam my fist into the marbled wall of the shower.
"Ah! Fuck!" I pull my hand back and grip my damaged knuckles. I need to stop hitting shit with my rings on.
I shake my injured hand out in an attempt to flick the pain away. It's probably broken but I'm not too bothered, I've broken it plenty of times before.
I stand under the water with a throbbing fist and a tortured mind. My head hurts worse than my hand.
I hate this.
I can't stop their words. They're still going, replaying like a broken record.
"End up marrying those clean cut nice guy types."
My mind plays images of Lilianna with some faceless guy. It stings in my chest as I watch the scene play behind my eyelids. I don't recognise the guy at all, he is the embodied image of a safe and stable man my mind has conjured up. He is my complete opposite, everything I hate and everything I wish to be all at once. He holds her close in an embrace, she's smiling and looks at him in a way I could only dream of her looking at me. The unknown mans hands touch her all over, she doesn't fight him off, she likes it.
"Stop it." I groan pathetically, pleading with myself to stop the images playing in my mind.
But they don't stop.
The faceless man begins kissing Lilianna and takes off her clothes as she desperately kisses him back.
"Fuck!" I scream and rub my palms into my eyes, attempting to scrub away the torturing film playing in my own head.
I turn the shower off and storm out of the steam filled glass box. I go to the sink and switch the lights back on so I'm no longer in complete darkness. As soon as the bright white lights flick on above, my eyes catch the crimson streaks over my hand.
Blood drops across the floor from the shower to the sink and I pull my injured hand up to inspect it. I've torn the skin open on my middle knuckle from punching the hard marble.
"Fuck sakes." I mumble under my breath and run it under the cold water to wash the blood off the back of my hand and clean out the small wound to examine the damage. It's not too bad, I've definitely done worse.
I pull the ring on my middle finger off so it doesn't get stuck from the inevitable swelling that's already started. I wince slightly at the pull on my injured finger and chuck the plain gold band on the marble counter by the sink. I strap the torn skin back together with a first aid kit from under the sink, I don't know how many times I've learnt to dress wounds. How many different techniques I've created to accommodate the natural movement needed of my hands while they're plastered up in injury.
"You have no remorse." Her voice whispers in my ears and I grunt in anguish as her haunted words continue to torment me. I lean my palms against the cold marble bench and look up into the mirror above the sink.
"Get a fucking grip." I berate my reflection. I can feel the sickly turn in my stomach, the nausea swelling within me, making my breaths deep and short. It's not the same as the panic attack I had the other day on the side of the road. This feels different, not as frenzied. It's the simulated thoughts and images of Lilianna with someone else that are making me feel sick this time. I can't explain it, I know it's not real but my mind is torturing me as if it is. The worse part is that deep down I know it could easily be real, she could have any guy she wanted and I'd have to live with that.
"Chicks like Lily don't go for guys like us."
Curby's words ring the truth loud and clear. Lilianna is too good for me. Curby knows it, I know it and I'm sure anyone else would agree if they were asked. But it doesn't change the fact that I want her. I want her and I don't want anyone else to have her. I don't want to see her with someone else, I don't want her to go off with one of those clean cut nice guy types like Curby said.
My jaw clenches at the thought of Lilianna being with someone like that, and I roll my head back to stare at the ceiling to try calm myself down. The bile wants to rise in the back of my throat but I swallow it down and push myself away from the bench and walk to my bedroom, pulling a white towel off the wrack as I walk past and wrap it around my waist.
I feel awful, my mind is set on tormenting me and my body is giving in to emotions I've never felt before. I know of a few things to try make this go; I could either get blind drunk to numb myself into oblivion and ruin the hard work I've put in keeping my drinking in check. I could also shove a horrendous amount of coke up my nose to distract me from any thoughts at all. Or I could go see her and make this all go away with one smile from her, but she doesn't want to see me right now and wants space.
"Fuck!" I yell in vexation, running my good hand over my wet hair and sitting at the foot of my large bed. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do but I'm afraid if I push her too much by going and seeing her when she asked for space she'll be even more pissed off with me.
"Give her space. She wants space. Stay away from her." I murmur to myself trying to take steady breaths to push out the nausea bubbling in my stomach.
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