She Loves Me: CXXVII
Nightfall had come. Markos stumbled down the stairs with a paper and quill in hand. By the time they had reached their tavern that day everyone was exhausted, cultists dead, gold hauled to their home. He studied the late-night sky drinking in the thousands of stars he could see. He felt bad for people like Herod, or Alekzandr. The light pollution would block the stars' gaze for most.. But not him. Never him. He looked across the empty tavern floor and took a deep breath, taking a seat on one of the central tables. He set the stack of parchment on one end and the inkwell and quill on the other.
'You need not stoop so low! Kill the ghost!' He ignored those recommendations. He needed a silent hen, not a body for suspicion.
"So do you actually want to talk about this? Or are we going to have to be silent to each other, Lif?" He recalled all the times since that.. Day, the poltergeist had wronged him in some manner. It was not as if Lif wasn't justified to some degree, Markos speculated on just how much the ghost had seen. Bloody handprints, scrawled threats, and not a single reply to any question he asked. "Come now.." he stood in silence for a few brief minute mulling over what Lif might do. But slowly the quill lifted and was dragged through the ink. In hasty writing he read;
"You're just like those cultists who killed me."
He sighed in frustration, this was not going to be easy.
"Well that's just a bit dramatic wouldn't you say?" he took a seat at the table knocking his head to one side. "Just like them? I-I I mean I think I'm just a little bit-"
"You killed her almost the same way they did me." This time the message was scrawled in even bolder text. "I can smell the dark magic.. She's like me now.."
"Oh.." Markos admitted a bit of surprise, he was curious. "Interesting.. Thats all fascinating but do you have to give me the silent treatment? Is it truly that bad? It was just some random-"
"Yes." He rolled his eyes not liking the various messages he was getting back.. Did no one understand what he had to do? He held up a trembling fist, did no one get what she wanted? She wanted these things!
"Lif.. you're.. You're thinking so so small." He didn't intend for it to carry anger but his voice projected his frustration regardless. "So small.. So. so minute." his voice quivered and he stumbled over his words like he did when he killed.. Spe'vitae. "Its... theres... theres so much more here at play." He fumbled with his fingers. "I killed.. One person. One little.. Ju-jst tiny person to avoid.. So much more.. Lif are you going to persecute me for the hundreds of thousands I've slaughtered?" His mind raced with images, he trembled angrily remembering all their faces.. All their names. He was telling the truth when he asked Spe'vitae for her name.. He had to know.. After everything, she had put him through. She.. not put through- just.. What she had taught him! Yeah.. he bit his lip, feeling.. Excitement. "Come now.. One person is-"
"Did you kill them, as you did her? Like they killed me? Sacrifices to some dark being?" Markos's body felt unhinged trembling with anger and anguish he felt a flicker snap through his brain as the voices paused for the briefest of seconds. 'No.. down, back in your cage!' He roared within his own mind. Not now.. Now was his turn.
'Tell him.. Tell him how you killed them.'
"They.." His voice broke like a tree during a thunderstorm. "Ah.. Sac.. Sacrifice.." He turned his head hyperventilating with breath after breath studying his surroundings in a desperate attempt to escape the question. He picked up his hand looking at where he had sacrificed his own blood three days ago. She said she liked it.. S-so it was good, right? "It.. it was necessary Lif.." Something welled in his eyes, he wiped them aside.
Whips cracked against his skin as he stabbed into his sister for the hundredth time, applause and compliments before it was repeated over and over again. He relived his own memories even then, at any second he closed his eyes. They returned. "I.. You may be dead Lif.. but trust me.." He cracked, "There are far worse things than death." He leaned over the table, fear and paranoia replaced with anger.
'Draw your blade! The ghost is weak.. He poses no threat!' Was that truly the voice of another? Or was it his own thoughts?
"Things you could not imagine." His voice trembled with power recalling all that was done to him.. And all he had been forced to do. Was that an excuse? He didn't know. It was done with love..
'Burn, kill, wreak havoc on it all! You don't want.. Her to be mad right?' He twitched trying to push the influences out, but it was too late, they had crawled their way in. and his anger intensified. H-he didn't want her to be mad... Oh she would be so happy! When she saw him.
"Things you couldnt even comprehend!" He growled some animalistic nature tore at him. 'Are we going to do this? Eh Markos?' He thought, he wondered if he looked as unnerved as he felt. Was he truly all that terrible? The ghost seemed to hesitate the quill floating in the air, but in a moment of uncharactiristic rage, the quill came down with intense force. Stabbing into his own hand and the blood drawn to write across the page. He barely flinched, she'd loved him in harder ways.
"I've been denied my afterlife." The blood-soaked words read. "If I'm turned I don't exist anymore." Markos toyed with that idea in his mind, would a lack of existence truly be worse than what he knew? "Tell me.. Do you really think I don't know?"
"Wow.. that actually kind of hurt." Markos lied through his teeth in a grin. "But.. not as much.. As disobeying her does.." He flinched, he cupped the ring around his neck.
"Ha. You will see her again soon." His heart dropped. Her.. see her again? Panic filled his ears.
'Strike it down, strike it down!' he clutched his hair seeing small passages on the paper appear, like laughter, again? Would.. Would he be taken this time? Was he still taken even now? His eyes flashed around the room in a desperate plea to separate reality from fiction.
"Which.. Which.. Her..?" he sobbed. Why was he scared? S-she.. Loved him..
"Yes." He stared at the ground moving his hand back, he knew it wasn't right. But he was afraid. "You will pay for your sins." The next line read, his mind blazed in anger, snapping him back to this reality. The one he had then.
"My sins.. My.." He began to laugh, chuckle really, right under his breath.
'Well then.. This went in an unexpected light- Murder the house!'
"My sins... You think I wanted to do any of it?!" He had intended to follow the voice's instructions. To finally strike down this irritant, but something stopped him and in his moment of rage his voice broke, he quivered in anger. "Ever? Do you know what it's like..?" He expected to stumble over his words but instead, he spoke clearly, quivering with his pitch yet still there. "To be burned.. Skinned alive. Forced to kill your own family? Over, and over." The pain built up in his voice. "Do you know what it's like to jump from one reality to another? To leap into an endless abyss?" He lowered his head whispering now. His mind did not allow him to simply speak, no instead he had to remember all of these events, the pain, the suffering and its anguish as he killed others desperate for a moment of relief. "Do you know anything.. Of what I've been forced to see?" He spoke in barely a whisper but it felt stronger than any words he'd ever said. "You think I wanted to do any of those things?" Tears flowed freely down his cheeks, he shook so badly he thought he might cause an earthquake. Every piece of him had been defiled and damaged, scars that would never heal yet the deepest one ran along his mind. "I know.. I'll pay for my sins.. But are they mine?" He quivered desperately for an answer he wanted. "Truly? I didn't want to kill all those people.. I didn't want to kill her.." His voice rose. "But you don't know what I've been through." He crept. A low whisper sounding that of the wind on rocks, or the trees last sounds before death, a quiet cry of desperation. He got no response for a brief moment, he studied the ghost and he almost felt as if he could see the poltergeist. The quill had been previously shaking in the air like it was ready to write. It simply stopped in this hour of his own weakness, he felt as if a presence did not loom over him rather embrace around him. He questioned his sanity once more.
'The spirit is on the attack!' he flinched and reached for his trident but thought better of it. The quill began to move sideways almost like a head-tilt.
"Who are you.. Really?" The question amused him, who was he really? That was something that was loaded.. "This isn't like you.." What was like him? He wondered. Patting his clothes, wondering under the many many layers of dieties, under all those lenses where did the sea-green start? When he placed those on.. Were there others under the surface removed as well? He thought carefully of it. 'You're not making any sense..' Yeah.. He wasn't.
"Thats.. A good question." Markos admitted with a nervous chuckle. "Unlike me.. No.. this is.. This is, this is like me." He bit his lip looking at the walls, wondering if Kaelya had been right all along. Was he the only one unable to meld? Unable to cope.. "My sister had a name for it.. She.. just took my first and last name.. And separated them. But honestly." His voice turned upward in a pitch of sour affection, one he rapidly tried to correct. "My Uheo did name me.." His voice trembled but he pushed through forcing the steady hand of whatever sanity was left.
'She cared for you.. Named you, now kill the Ghost.' She was so kind...
"She did.. Give something to me.." He nodded over and over saying that same line repeatedly. This was all worth it.. He knew that. She.. she cared. Some other force seemed to take hold as he spoke. His mind was getting tired and he dreaded the demands to kill. He got an odd feeling to scratch his head. He reached up to cure the itch, but noticed his hands' contents too late, in his right grasp sat a small silver pendant with a branched symbol on its surface. "No-" he was cut off.
Markos took a new breath. "Markos Amanodel." He whispered in that last effort of the higher voice. He slipped the strings over his head without a second thought, burning fire raced throughout his mind. He pleaded with the gods to end that terrible pain, every cell in his brain felt as if it had burned alive and yet.. yet. Here he sat.
He looked up with steady eyes. "Markos.. Ktugya Damor'syol Amanodel." He corrected his pitch much deeper now. "It's a.. Lovely name." He spat bitterly. "She wasn't really creative though, really? Sleeping Chaos? Come on now, that's just a boring name." He paused looking up at the mess he and he had made. "Lif I don't want to die like this. I don't want to go down in this ship. The actions I've been forced to take. That he's been forced to make and do." he growled anger was in him, this life of hell was exhausting. "Stuck in Here." He pointed upward. "With that.. Insane rambling!" He sighed deeply, finding a chuckle in him. "It's chaos." He cried excitedly, really wondering which was insane. "Ironically enough.." He licked his teeth. "Look, you can hate me for what he does. Hate me for what I do. But what I do is to help us both. He.. he worships her." Markos admitted bitterly, "I can't get through to him I can.. Show him how she's treated us.. But.. I'll... it doesn't matter, I'll kill her, I'll kill them all. The disease that is the elder gods, the great old ones, and damned Outer deities. Every one of them that stands in my way! And free myself of this terrifying.. Terrible dimension, and all its insanity. He wont have a fucking word when I clear him from my mind. This.. necklace." Maros grabbed his charm and tore at it. Bringing up both the chains; one the small silver pendent, the other a sleek black ring, the replacement for ones he made for his siblings long ago. Why was he still wearing it.. "This tether to sanity! Do you know what it's like to slip it on? Really? To take it off? Lif when it burns away.. When the warp is too great. Part of me dies and I. I alone, take the wheel, we are trapped one to ride in a cage while the other operates. Someone else walks away with your body.. Your mind. And you may only watch. Lif I don't want to be like this." He felt his eyes well up with tears once again. "I don't want to die like this." He quivered.
Lif slowly wrote along the page as if taken aback. His presence softened a bit.
"Two minds.. One body?" He wanted to laugh.
"Kind of.. In a way.." It wasn't exactly that, but it was close enough. "You.. haven't read Jekyll and Hyde.. so never mind.. We know what each other does.. we see it, we feel it, we rely on one another." his hands quivered, did he.. Love her too? He gently picked up the ring, feeling rage in him. "I.. made one.. For my siblings.." He blubbered, he was crying so much just looking at it filled with nothing but disgust. "So we could always.. Remember each other.. She took it.. Took mine.. And replaced it. So I'd only ever rely on her.." He dropped the necklace. He hated how his voice floated for the briefest of seconds when he mentioned his god. Longing for her.
"Then I can only hate the side who forces this." A line drew across the paper like a knife.
"You can.." He mumbled. "He doesn't know any better Lif." Markos defended the insanity. "He doesn't.. He was the one that was tortured. I was just the one who had to watch."
"He should learn." Markos raised his mouth but thought better of it. He sat there for what felt like hours, but as the necklace began to burn Markos let out a small laugh. He wanted to throw the ring away.
"Yes. huh? Well then.. Be good around Damor'syol.. A tortured tiger doesn't know when it shouldn't roar." He looked out the window piercing the heavens. The light pollution from lanterns dimmed out the faintest of lights. She took them star gazing.. Was she all that bad? He wished that like Damor'syol.. He could see the stars. The necklace burned full and whispers crawled back into his mind. He caught the final fleeting glimpse of a girl running with her dogs. The stars were beautiful.. So very.. Beautiful.