Maya
''No, I don't want to watch that stupid movie again.''
It was Saturday night. Which meant movie night for the Barton family. Even in the middle of summer, with the sun out until half past ten, they did these nights. Because they, too, understood the importance of family.
But not inside, in front of the TV. No, they hung a white sheet on a frame in the garden, and projected the movie on there, dragging garden chairs with comfortable cushions onto the grass. It was late, way too late for Maya's bedtime. But she wasn't home, and this was holiday.
''Hey, be nice to your little brother.'' Clint told Cooper off, who sunk in his chair at the idea of having to watch The Lion King. Again. ''He wants to see this, it's his week to choose, so we're watching this.''
Lila bent over the side of her chair - which was next to Maya - to whisper, ''He picks this movie every time. It's exhausting.''
Maya giggled quietly, munching on some fresh popcorn that was still slightly warm from when they made it. She was less than two hours away from her moms, but this did feel like a vacation. A warm summer night with atmospheric lanterns and a movie under the starry sky. What could be better?
During the movie, Lila kept whispering comments to Maya, who had to do her best not to laugh out loud and let the others know they mocked the movie. Which was easy to do with their chairs in the back, behind Laura and Cooper.
In the one and a half days she has stayed here, she and Lila became inseparable. Wherever one was, the other was too, and everybody saw it. They laughed and joked like they had known each other for years, like they grew up together.
''It's pretty, right?'' Lila caught her staring up at the black sky. Not one cloud keeping her from seeing the bright stars. They were mesmerizing, to say the least.
Maya's cheeks grew red, happy it was dark since she felt embarrassed over gaping at the stars. ''You can't see them in the city. The lights are too bright.''
Lila lit up and sprung from her chair. ''Come on, I'll show you.'' She plucked a lantern from the ground and beckoned Maya to follow into the dark grass field, leaving the movie behind.
''Do not go into the woods! Don't want you turning into Little Red Riding Hood. Stay in the field, and don't go too far,'' Clint called after them, Lila rolling her eyes as she moved towards the darkness.
''Yes, dad!''
Maya wasn't gonna lie, she grew a bit scared the more they left the house behind and moved towards the woods. Who knew what kind of animals this state had? All she's ever known is the city. So, she stuck closely to Lila and to the lantern, squinting to see the tall grass under her feet.
At a seemingly random spot, far away for Lila's liking, she plopped down, placing the lantern at her crossed legs. ''Okay, look. Do you see that bright star right there?'' She pointed at it as soon as Maya sat next to her, their heads close together. ''That's the North Star. It's the one star everything else spins around. But what people don't know is that it isn't actually one star. It's a triple star system called Polaris. My dad always said he used it for navigation when he didn't have a compass or a phone. If you follow that star, you'll always end up North.''
Maya stared at the spot of light until it was the only thing she saw, as if she would be able to see those three stars with her naked eye. ''Do you think they used it on their missions?'' she whispered. The quiet night asked for hushed tones and sitting still.
Lila tugged a piece of grass out the ground and wrapped it around her fingers, a sudden sober expression settling on her face, the mood spun around. ''Yes. He said they never had an extraction plan. He and your moms. They went into a mission with SHIELD help, but they had to get home themselves.''
Lila clearly did not like talking or thinking about the job her dad did, the dangers that came with it, the weeks she had missed him. There were days she must not have known if he was still alive. Maya understood better now why her moms never had kids before. The work they did, it was a strain on the children too.
Maya averted her eyes to her feet. ''Does he ever talk about his work? My moms don't.''
''Not really,'' Lila murmured, the lantern glow throwing shadows on her face. ''I don't think they're proud of the things they've done. People see my dad as a hero, but he said he was a weapon, meant to hurt others. He was just aimed by the right people at the right targets. And so were your moms after they joined SHIELD.''
''But they are heroes.'' Maya frowned, glancing up at Lila's sad face. ''They protected people. They protected the world.''
The other girl shook her head, tearing her piece of grass in half. ''I don't think that's how they see it, Maya.''
Natasha
After explaining everything to Eliza in a three-hour long session, she agreed to look for the right place to admit Katya.
Washington D.C. and New York City had a couple private, more expensive places like these, which felt more like a commune - with professional help - than a cold and traumatizing hospital.
Mental health was a big thing after the Snap that brought everyone back. People had lost everything, only to suddenly have it back. They were confused and traumatized from everything that happened. So, help had popped up everywhere.
Not everyone had the money to go to the kind of places Katya would be going to. Which meant there were spots open at every location Eliza marked as a good option. And Natasha insisted they visited every single one.
She did her usual paranoid background research on the doctors, demanded a conversation with them, and made sure the place was suited for her wife. Because entrusting someone to care for Katya, to help her in the right way without being there herself, was extremely hard.
Ultimately, she crossed a couple off the list, which left them with three options, from which they chose one.
Katya would leave a week after Maya came back.
It made her feel lighter. To know she was getting the right help soon. But on the other hand, more guilt added to her pile. Guilt of leaving her family behind. Of leaving Maya again. Of creating instability. Again.
It resulted into more breakdowns - panic attacks following - and more zoning out at random times, not able to eat anything, nightmares every night.
Where Natasha was wary of the idea in the beginning, she warmed up to it quickly. The situation was a strain on herself as well. And although she never complained and would absolutely ruin herself to help Katya, it was a relief to see her get the proper help, even if that meant feeling homesick and worried.
She accepted that she alone wasn't enough to help. That felt like a disappointment, but in the end, what could she do about it? She wasn't some miracle that could solve all of Katya's problems.
Wanda's necklaces worked. They really did. Especially during panic attacks, or breakdowns where Katya couldn't think clearly. But, in the end, they weren't the solution. They were a shortcut.
An addictive shortcut indeed, exactly as Wanda predicted. Katya may have thought she was being sneaky, placing her hand on it carelessly, but Natasha wasn't blind. She let her, though, not ready for a fight.
When Natasha explained the situation to Maya, the girl cried. The prospect of missing her mom for weeks ripped the fun out of this holiday at once. She had the best week at Clint's, stepping off the jet with a huge smile and a head full of stories. But no one to tell them to.
Katya locked herself in her room to prevent her daughter from seeing her like this, and Natasha was so stressed and worried about her wife's admission, that she eventually handed Maya her phone and let her call Yelena to ramble her stories to.
The girl spent almost two hours in her bedroom, on her stomach on the bed, with the phone by her ear. Her happy chatter could be heard through the door, occasionally a laugh at something Yelena said. And although that would usually be fuel for Natasha to smile and grow warm, it was now a guilty stab in her heart.
Life would get stable and calm again after Katya left, no matter how cruel that sounded.
Maya ate dinner alone with Natasha, who put on her best smile and asked about her week. But really paying attention, she didn't do. Everything Maya said went one ear in, the other out.
"Kate also stopped by for one day."
Natasha stopped stabbing her untouched food. Her appetite left her a week ago. "Kate?" An uneasy feeling crept up on her. She didn't like not knowing when strangers visited Clint's and played with her daughter.
Maya nodded enthusiastically, a piece of broccoli on her fork. "Bisshop. She's also an archer, and a superhero. Clint knew her. She taught me this trick with a coin.'' If possible, Natasha's frown deepened. ''Oh! And she had the coolest costume ever, and she was really pretty and funny."
The enthusiasm didn't transfer onto Natasha, worry on her face. "I'll have to ask him about that."
Maya smiled reassuringly. "Mama, she was fine. His friend. Don't worry."
"Okay, okay,'' Natasha sighed, relaxing her shoulders before nodding to Maya's plate. ''Eat your broccoli."
"You eat yours," Maya countered with a smirk.
Natasha smiled and shook her head, playfully pointing her fork at her daughter as a way of saying 'watch it'. Thank the gods for this girl, because she brought a light into this house it desperately needed.
Katya did no longer like to be touched, so Natasha spent her nights watching her closely instead of holding or spooning her. Her hands itched, especially when the nightmares or anxious muttering started, but not once did she go against Katya's wishes.
The only way she could describe what had happened to her wife, was that she retracted into her body, like her soul shrunk inches and floated around. It was hard to get contact with her, which was only fueled by the isolation of the bedroom. Convincing her to get out of bed was useless though.
So, in the end, Natasha ended up packing Katya's suitcase. Because she wasn't able to do it herself, and the moment she had to leave came closer and closer. Of course, she stuffed a couple of her own sweaters in there, the ones Katya always stole because they smelled like her. Hopefully, that would bring some comfort. Even a little bit was enough.
Nobody knew how long Katya had to stay, and Natasha could always drive by to drop off more clothes, but half their closet was inside the suitcase. Maybe one sweater and pair of sweatpants would stay behind in the house.
Katya snapped at her when the morning of her departure came around. Nine AM, that's when they had to be at a classic, renovated building in the middle of the city.
It was the best option on short notice.
It wasn't easy for Natasha to force Katya to do stuff she didn't want to. With getting out of bed being number one. But it would be for her own benefit in the end. So, she gritted her teeth to stop tearing up and summoned all her patience when it took fifteen minutes to get Katya in fresh clothing.
Maya insisted on coming with to drop her off, forcing herself into an uncomfortable car ride. Nobody spoke, so the radio had to save the mood, which it didn't do a very good job at.
"Well, I guess this is it."
Awkwardly, the three of them stood in the hall of the building. A doctor had already greeted them, reassured Natasha again, and now waited by the stairs to lead Katya upstairs to her room.
Natasha had taken Katya's face in her hands, taking a good look at her before she'd miss it for a while. ''I don't know what else to say that I haven't already. I love you, just remember that. And don't give up fighting. But do it for you," she whispered, not expecting many words back.
A ghost of a smile appeared on Katya's face. She didn't feel much right now, couldn't place herself in Natasha's shoes. However, she did have the clarity to whisper, ''I love you,'' more for her sad wife than herself. She took a step back, Natasha's hands falling to her sides as she waved at Maya. ''Bye.''
''Bye, Mom.''
With one last nod, Katya turned around and followed the doctor - a woman named Angelina - upstairs, unaware of the eyes on her back, the pained eyes which had to force back tears.
They say if you love something, let it go. And Natasha had never planned on doing that, ever, finding it a stupid saying, but it suddenly made a lot of sense.
She hadn't realized she had zoned out until Maya took her hand and wrapped her fingers around hers. With a shake of her head, Natasha painted a small smile and looked down, her heart warm at the comfort Maya tried to give, despite the sadness she must feel too.
It would be the two of them temporarily. Again. Not exactly how she pictured their first year as moms to go.
Squinting, Natasha studied her daughters face. "Comfort food?" Maya agreed with a bright smile and a nod, so off they went to the nearest diner. Screw 9 AM, they wanted ice cream.
With an exaggerated sigh, Natasha plopped down in one of the booths, taking the spoon to her sundae while Maya did the same across from her. If she did not have another smaller human she needed to be strong for, she had bought pints of ice and ate them in front of the TV, sulking in her sadness.
The silence between them was filled with the obvious topic: Katya. It would take a while to find a routine without her. Maya would soon spend her days at school again, but Natasha was alone, at home, without anyone to talk to or cuddle up to on the couch for a mid-day nap. Maybe she should find something to do, volunteer somewhere.
Yes, she was sad, but also slightly relieved and hopeful knowing her wife got the right help. No need to worry as much because real professionals looked after her, although she wondered how long it would take them to get Katya back from her panic attacks if they happened.
"How did you do this when she was on missions?" Maya spoke up, two minutes in.
"Buried myself in work, went on missions, stayed with Clint a lot.'' Natasha shrugged before smiling and pointing to her ice cream with her spoon. ''Oh, and ate a lot of comfort food."
Maya chuckled, carefully scooping more vanilla ice cream with cherry sauce on her spoon. "Did you get homesick? Is that what it was?"
"Yeah. I always thought SHIELD was my home before Kat came back, but turned out it was just a job and a building." Given, with people that felt warm and safe, but home had always been with Katya.
"But you liked the job," Maya pointed out, curious to see how she would respond to that after her conversation with Lila about their parents.
A small smile flashed across Natasha's face. "I liked it a lot better with her around." She tried to stay nonchalant, but failed miserably, sucking in a deep breath and snapping out of her nostalgia. "Anyway, she always came back from her missions and she will from this one."
Maya nodded, a thoughtful crease between her brows as she scooped a couple more bites into her mouth in silence. "If she hadn't, come back I mean, what do you think you'd be doing now?"
Natasha blinked in surprise, not expecting a deep question like that out of the blue, not entirely focused. But Maya deserved an honest answer, like always. "I'd be alone, for starters. Wouldn't have gotten married or fallen in love. Probably bought myself an apartment in the city, and a cat, of course,'' she chuckled, shrugging afterwards. ''Or live closer to my sister, fall into that family life, help out in Russia... Who knows."
Before Maya could ask another question, a girl in her teenage years shuffled towards their table, a phone shyly clenched between her hands. ''Mrs Romanoff-Petrova?'' Natasha was always up to meeting fans, but right now, she wanted to kick the child across the diner. ''I'm sorry to bother you, but I am a huge fan of you and your wife, and I was wondering if you would mind taking a picture with me?''
''I'm sorry, I don't do pictures, for security reasons.'' She lied smoothly, her smile far from convincing, too sweet. Fans were always Katya's thing. She dealt with them, chatted up with them. ''But I can sign something if you want?''
The child got caught off guard completely, her smile faltering. ''Oh, yeah, yes, of course.'' With trembling hands, she handed her phone over, the clear case perfect to put a signature on with a marker. The disappointment disappeared when Natasha produced a perfect signature and handed the device back while Maya watched the entire interaction with fascination. ''Thank you so much! Isn't Katya here?''
''Oh, she's... otherwise occupied.'' Natasha forced out, mentally slapping herself at how that sounded, especially when the girl frowned. ''But it's no problem, enjoy your day.'' Luckily, she got the clue and left, so Natasha turned to Maya with a guilty grimace, ice cream almost melted now. ''I'm sorry about that. Not feeling it today. Please don't treat strangers like that.''
''I get it,'' she hummed, looking at her mom over her sundae. Natasha had turned to stare out the window, watching the people, watching the city go about its day. It was obvious she thought about something. "You wouldn't have started your own family?"
Natasha dragged her eyes away from the streets. ''Hmm?''
Maya smiled at her unfocused state. ''If Mom hadn't come back, and you'd be alone with your cat.''
"No.'' She disagreed with a shake of her head, leaning forward on her elbows. ''Being a single mom was never the plan. A partner plus a kid, that was. And I got that. Just did not expect that partner to be my childhood crush slash secret lover. Or for my kid to be nine years old when I got her,'' she added with a laugh, a slightly insecure and nervous laugh.
Because no matter how many years of practice she had, or how professional and knowledgeable she was in other areas, raising a kid was a thing of trial and error.
"You're doing a great job, Mama."
Surprised, Natasha looked up from the table, only to see a red-cheeked Maya, shyly staring at her food. The compliment had been so random, but not entirely out of nowhere. She knew Natasha could use some encouragement. A pick me up, if you will.
"I am?" She asked softly, one of her biggest fears on display in this random diner.
"The best."
A disbelieving, happy laugh escaped her, blinking her eyes to stop the tears. "You're making me cry. And I managed to keep it dry earlier." Reaching over the table, she took one of Maya's hands and squeezed it lightly, exactly like she had done earlier. "Thank you."
Knowing she was raising her child in a way that was good - or even 'the best' - enabled her to take a breath without the doubt on her shoulders. Doubt she'd probably always have in some way.
She eyed Maya's empty glass, and took her wallet from her jacket, throwing a couple bills on the table. "Is there anywhere you want to go?" she asked, mostly to be kind, because all she wanted was to go home, so her happy demeanor could be dropped.
"Home, please." Maya followed her example and stood from the seat.
"Yeah, me too.'' Natasha smiled, naturally walking slightly behind her on their way to the car, like the protective mom she was. ''What about a movie?"
But before Maya could answer, Natasha's phone buzzed in her pocket, causing her to stop on the middle of the sidewalk. She fished it out of her pocket quickly, because any message could be news on her wife, even if it had only been a couple hours.
''I heard. Let me know if I can do anything for you.''
A smile grew on her lips, warmth spreading through her chest as she read the words a couple of time. What did she ever do to deserve her friends?
''Who's that?''
''Aren't you curious,'' Natasha teased with a wink, quickly typing something back. ''It's Tony. He can be sensitive when he wants to be.''
''Did you tell everyone where Mom went?'' Maya asked over the roof of the car, waiting by the passenger's side door until it opened.
Natasha shrugged, pocketing her phone and slipping into her seat. ''Only Clint and Wanda, but it's not a secret so they probably told others.''
''What about Yelena?''
For some reason, Maya always knew to hit the center of Natasha's doubts, and she took her time starting the car, putting it in reverse, and backing out of the parking spot before answering. ''I don't know if I should. Maybe it will make her feel bad.''
Maya replied shyly, ''Maybe it will make her feel worse if you keep it a secret.''
Natasha's frown disappeared and turned into a surprised smile instead. ''Why are you so smart?'' She asked in a high tone, squinting her eyes, causing Maya to laugh.
The girl quieted, looking down at her lap. ''I think you should call her. She's your sister, she'll want to know.''
The pity party continued at home, where they closed the curtains and blinds against the bright midday sun to fit the mood, and turned on a random movie to spend the day on the couch.
They didn't speak much, their minds regularly drifting away from the TV. But overall, it was the best way to get used to life like this for at least the next two months.
Nobody knew when Katya would get home, not even the doctors. It entirely depended on her progress. And however fast Natasha wanted her home, she should take all the time needed.
They ordered Chinese, which they ate on the couch as well, something Katya would have scowled at because the new couch was surprisingly still clean. But Maya was sad, Natasha was sad, and they didn't even feel like getting up to use the toilet. Life sucked today, and they deserved to sulk in it.
''What are we gonna do the rest of this holiday?'' Maya chimed in at nine PM when Natasha turned off the TV, ready to end this day ridiculously early.
She smiled and draped her arm over the back of the couch, toying with her red curls. ''You decide. If you want to stay over some place, let me know. Tess, Peter, Morgan,'' she paused and smirked, ''or your boyfriend.''
Maya turned the darkest shade of red, replying almost angrily to hide her flustered state. ''Mason is not my boyfriend.''
''No? Then why did you know exactly who I was talking about?''
''Mama,'' she whined, sinking down in her seat in embarrassment as her cheeks darkened, while Natasha had the biggest grin on her face, chuckling at herself. ''Stop.''
''Oh, no, honey, can't do. It's part of my job as your mom.''
''He's not my boyfriend," she insisted, a scowl forming on her face afterwards. "I don't want a boyfriend anyway. Boys are stupid.''
''Oh, they're stupid now?" Natasha chuckled. "Why's that?''
''They are just..." Maya struggled to find words, staring at her lap with her frustrated scowl and red cheeks. "They just are.''
''Okay, whatever you say.''
Maya's gaze snapped to her at the teasing tone. ''You have to believe me! He's not my boyfriend!'' She exclaimed exasperated.
Natasha smirked wider. ''Not yet, at least.''
''Stop,'' Maya begged her, a laugh escaping her even when she didn't want it to, betraying she didn't find it as bad as her words made it out to be.
''Okay, okay,'' she laughed, biting her lip to stop a smile, letting a silence fall where it seemed the topic was dropped. ''When will he be?''
A loud groan echoed in the room. ''Mama!''
Natasha laughed loudly, scooting to the edge of the couch to stack their snack bowls on the coffee table together. ''I'm sorry, honey, but with Kat gone, you're gonna be the center of my teasing.''
''Does that mean you're gonna give me the kisses now?'' Maya raised her eyebrows, clearly sarcastic and joking. But Natasha turned back to her with a mischievous smirk, clearly up to something.
''I hadn't even thought of that.''
''No!'' Maya yelled, which turned into uncontrollable laughter when Natasha started tickling her and kissing all over her cheeks and forehead. ''Please, please, stop! Mercy! Mercy!''
''Fine.'' Natasha smiled so wide it hurt her cheeks, retracting her hands when Maya looked like she'd die from laughter and the angles she turned her limbs in to protect her sides.
"Can I stay with you tonight?" Maya blurted when they went silent, surprising Natasha.
"Sure. But only tonight." She smiled when Maya's face lit up, and knew she made the right decision saying yes. ''Why don't you go get ready for bed, and I'm gonna call Yelena real quick?''
Maya smiled happily, and Natasha rolled her eyes playfully, not happy to admit the girl had a point this afternoon. She waited until Maya had disappeared upstairs to ring her sister, who undoubtedly didn't sleep yet. Being a night owl and an insomniac with nightmares did that to a person.
''Sistra, already missing me?''
''Don't embarrass yourself,'' Natasha smirked, but she was happy to hear her voice. Maybe she should ask her to come over again, somewhere in the following weeks.
''Ouch. Did you call me just to insult me?'' Yelena countered in her usual teasing tone, a smile in the background of her voice.
A faint chuckle escaped Natasha. ''Maybe this is news, but not everything is about you.'' It came out way less lighthearted than originally intended.
Yelena sighed, and rolled her eyes. ''Okay, what is wrong? You're using your serious voice.''
Natasha furrowed her eyebrows. ''I don't have a serious voice.''
''Yes, you do. You go all, ''Yelena stop being immature. I have something important to tell.''" Yelena imitated her in a high voice. "It's also your boring voice. You are boring sometimes.''
''Okay, are you done?'' She pressed her lips together to smother her smile.
''See, that's step one, and now you're gonna tell me the important thing.''
Natasha shook her head and decided to just throw it out. ''Kat's gone-'' She couldn't get out more than two words before Yelena cut her off.
''Wait, she's dead? Oh, Natasha I am sor-''
''No, you idiot,'' she laughed, hearing Yelena mutter something about her being an idiot under her breath. ''She's gone to stay in a place in the city where they can help her with her mental health. I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but Maya said you'd like to know.''
Yelena stayed silent for a moment, obviously caught off guard. ''Man, that sucks. Was it that bad? Did it get worse?''
''Worse." She toyed with a seam on her jeans. "I dropped her off this morning.''
''How long does she have to stay?''
''Until they deem her healthy enough to come home." She shrugged, as if it didn't affect her immensely. "Months, probably.''
Yelena took a second to answer again. ''I'm sorry, Natasha. This is my fault. I said all those things to her...''
''No, don't feel bad. She must have been balancing on a tightrope for a while, and it's good that she's getting help now." She sucked in a deep breath and straightened up. "Anyway, that means no trip to Russia this holiday, but you can come and visit whenever you like. I know Maya will enjoy that.''
''I don't like kids, but that girl is adorable. She can call me anytime," Yelena gushed with her thick accent. Again, an action that made Natasha smile.
''That's all I called to say. She's waiting for me, so I better get a move on.''
''Wait." Whatever Yelena was gonna say, it took some courage and a deep breath. "I know I can be very sarcastic and making jokes and being funny or whatever, but I can also be serious and listen.''
Surprised, an eyebrow raised on Natasha's face. ''Is this your way of saying you're here for me if I need to talk?'' She teased lightly.
''I'm trying, okay?" Yelena complained. "I'm new to all this.''
A laugh escaped her, but her tone was serious when she continued. ''Thank you, sis.''
"Yeah, yeah, go annoy your Mini-You now."
And that Mini-Nat already sat on top of the queen-sized bed in her pajama when Natasha came in, accepting the hair tie she handed her before crawling behind and braiding her hair as usual.
When they both settled in under the covers, Natasha couldn't help but breathe out deeply, letting herself relax and think about anyone other than her wife for a moment.
''I'm sorry I haven't asked a lot about your week at Clint's. My mind has been so focused on Kat,'' she whispered, reaching out to brush baby hairs out of Maya's face.
Face to face, they lay in the semi-dark, taking this moment to calm down and discuss things which were easier with the lights out and the moon high.
''It's okay." Maya smiled. "I'll tell you about it tomorrow if you want.''
''I'd like that.'' She shifted to be more comfortable, pulling the blanket higher, until she teased softly. ''Are you gonna lie over there with a foot between us, or...?''
Maya laughed and shifted closer, shyly settling into her hold. Natasha wrapped her arms around her, pulling her closer into her chest with a content smile on her lips, kissing her head a couple times before exhaling deeply. ''Goodnight.''
Almost protectively, like she was afraid of losing this person too, she held onto her, cherishing the health of her daughter and the fact they were together, because she had taken it for granted until Katya got bad.
''Goodnight, Mama.''
Yeah, she'd survive these months alright, all thanks to the adorable little girl in her arms. But if she could skip ahead in time a bit, she'd pay a million or so for it.
~~~~~~~~
A/N: if you celebrate Christmas, I hope you had the best time and got to spend it with the people you love. And since I won't speak to you before Friday, I wish you a happy New Year!! Let's hope 2022 will be better :)