Had a long day, still wanna upload something so I got some incorrect quotes for the best friends au.
Alpheus, at Fontaine's funeral: I need a moment with them.
Everyone: Of course. *They leave*
Alpheus, leaning over Fontaine′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little sh*t. I know you're not dead.
Fontaine: Yeah, no sh*t.
Fontaine: You need to be more careful!
Alpheus, who was dragged into Fontaine's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-
Maddy: I have locked Ant in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, they have been well and truly hoist by their own petard.
Fontaine: Could you put it another way? I didn't understand a word of that.
Maddy: I'm blackmailing them.
Fontaine: Oh, happy days.
Alpheus: Alright, listen up you little sh*ts.
Alpheus: Not you Maddy. You're an angel and we're thrilled you're here.
Alpheus: Fontaine , can I ask you a question?
Fontaine : Sure, anything.
Alpheus: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave me alone?
Fontaine: Finn kissed me!
Alpheus: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Fontaine : It was unbelievable!
Alpheus: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Jess: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Alpheus, get the wine and unplug the phone. Fontaine, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Fontaine : Oh, it ended very well.
Alpheus: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Jess : Okay, alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Fontaine : Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Alpheus : Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?
Fontaine: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
Jess and Alpheus: Ohhh.
*meanwhile*
Finn eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.
Madiline: Tongue?
Finn: Yeah.
Alana: Cool.
Madiline: Who the f*ck added me to a fucking group chat?
Finn: >:O language
Fontaine : Yeah watch your f*cking language
Finn: Okay, who taught Fontaine the f*ck word?!
Jess: 'The f*ck word'.
Alpheus: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Fontaine : Oh my god they censored it
Jess: Say f*ck, Alpheus.
Fontaine : Do it, Alpheus. Say f*ck.
Fontaine: It's impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.
Alpheus: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here's one more to further disprove your theory.
Finn: F*ck you
Finn : I can't imagine what Maddy and Alpheus are planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.
Maddy: Alpheus is a strings kid. We must sacrifice them to the band gods.
Finn: Yes.
Fontaine : You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me.
Alpheus: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed-
Finn: What truce?
Maddy: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone.
Ant: Wait, I'm a choir kid!
Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice*
Maddy: ARE YOU-
Fontaine : F*cking.
Maddy: KIDDING ME?! YOU-
Fontaine F*cking.
Maddy: IDIOT!
Kaiko: ...What was that?
Fontaine : Alpheus banned Maddy from swearing, so I'm helping them out.
Fontaine: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this.
Alpheus: Maybe we would, if you would sTOP BREAKING INTO MY F*CKING HOUSE!!!
Finn: I am 39 cheetos tall.
Alpheus : Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Finn: Because we're out of doritos
Fontaine: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Alpheus: You know, I'm not really a jewelry person.
Fontaine: You don't have to wear...
Alpheus: No, I'm gonna wear it forever. Back off.
Alpheus: You've got to learn to love yourself.
Fontaine : But don't you hate yourself.
Alpheus: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.
Alpheus: Maddy ! Have you no dignity?
Madiline : Of course not! How long have we known eachother?
Finn: I'm genuinely surprised you haven't gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.
Alpheus : Nat 20 Charmisma.
Finn: That is NOT how that works-
Alana to Alpheus aster he broke onto the dark orcA: How the hell are you still alive?
Alpheus: Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.
Alpheus while holding Lumurian artefacts: This is a very powerful artifact. You'd be messing with some forces we don't fully understand.
Finn: That sounds like a dare to me.
Alpheus : Oh my god.
Alpheus : *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Finn : What did you do?!
Alpheus : NOBODY DIED!
Finn : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!
Alpheus: Madiline...
Madiline : Oh no, 'Madiline in B flat.
Madiline: You're disappointed.
Ant : Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?
Fontaine: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
Fontaine's, dramatically: They called me a fool.
Alpheus, sick of Fontaine's sh*t: They weren't wrong.
Finn: Alpheus, Madiline, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?
Alpheus: try to take over the world.
Finn: And what did you do?
Madiline: try to take over the world.
Maddy: Fight me!
Alpheus , standing behind them and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.
Aria , talking about Fontaine: Is this a friend of yours, Alpheus?
Alpheus: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.
Madline : Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
Jess: I think you mean cards.
Finn: They did not.
Maddy , pulling out knives: I did not
Alpheus I'm bored.
Maddy: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Alpheus: Sure!
Fontaine , hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Dolos down!!
Ant: *standing in Fontaine's bedroom and sneezes*
Alpheus: *hidingin the closet* Bless you.
Ant: God?!
Alpheus : Do you love Fontaine ?
Finn: Yeah, I do.
Alpheus : Jess! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!
Jess: We all love Fontaine . You should've asked if they were IN love with them.
Finn: I thought that was implied.
Jess: ...
Alpheus : ...
Finn, looking straight at Jess: Congrats Alpheus , you just won 100 bucks.
Finn: Hi.
Alpheus : Hey, did you do what I said? Did you tell them?
Finn: I did.
Alpheus : And what did they say?
Finn: "Thank you."
Alpheus : You're totally welcome. What'd they say?
Finn: They said, "Thank you." I said "I love you" and Fontaine said, "Thank you."
Finn: Where the devil is Maddy?
Alpheus : Well, it is raining outside... Maybe they melted?
Fontaine: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?
Alpheus , texting: O
Finn: What?
Alpheus : Don't read into that.
Finn: But I will read into that.
Alpheus : HOW?! IT'S A LETTER!
Finn: Why is there a space after it, hmmmmm?
Alpheus : Dude, really?
Alpheus : It's a fucking letter.
Finn: It could stand for something!
Alpheus : IT DOESN'T, I PROMISE!
Finn: Like Oppression! Or worse...
Alpheus : Dude, I just typed the letter O, that means nothing. :/
Finn: Optometrist.
Alpheus : Oh my God...
Maddy: If I run and leap at Finn, they will most certainly catch me.
Maddy, running towards Finn: Coming in!
Finn: No! I'm holding coffee!
Finn: *Drops coffee and catches Maddy*
*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*
Finn: Rude.
Alpheus : That's fair.
Fontaine: Not again.
Maddy : Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?
Finn : You can track Maddy?
Alpheus: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I.
Alpheus: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-
Fontaine : You sleep with seven kittens.
Alpheus: They are my aRMY OF DARKNESS!
Alpheus: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
Maddy, Fontaine , & Finn: Okay.
Alpheus: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
Finn: Bold of you to assume I have money.
Fontaine : Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
Maddy: Bold of you to assume I can die.
Maddy: Your lover doesn't have the mental strength to caramelize onions.
Fontaine : Your lover thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions.
Finn: Who's f*cking caramelizing onions? Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?
Alpheus : Do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions.
Alpheus : I think I need a hug...
Maddy: Good thing I'm hug shaped!
*45 minutes later*
Alpheus : You... you can let go now.
Maddy: No, I absolutely cannot.
Fontaine , to Finn: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
Alpheus : You three, explain right now!
Maddy: It was Jess.
Fontaine: It was Jess.
Finn: It was Jess.
Jess:
Jess: ...f*ck.
Jess: What's wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone's throat out.
Alpheus: Fontaine and Maddy were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.
Fontaine: Your smile? It makes my day.
Finn: Your happiness? I live for that.
Jess: A room? Get one.
Alpheus : Hotel? Trivago.
Maddy: Go big or go home!
Finn: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.
Maddy: I'm going big!
Maddy: Are they stupid?
Fontaine: Yes, but they prefer to be called Ant.
Jess: Why don't you go talk to Finn?
Fontaine , sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Jess: What? So you go tell them they're cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Fontaine : They could hear me.
Alpheus : I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.
Finn: Oh no.
Alpheus : More like "oh yes!"
Finn : Alpheus , I am questioning your sanity...
Fontaine: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.
Alpheus : Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.
Jess, watching Fontaine and Maddy fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Alpheus , not bothered by the chaos: It's fine. They're too evenly matched to hurt each other.
Jess: Then... who's the strongest out of you three?
Fontaine : Alpheus .
Maddy: Alpheus .
Alpheus : Me.
Jess has joined the gremlin squad.
I'm thinking of opening a dare book for my aus let me know if that's something you'd like to see.
Thanks for reading please leave any thoughts or suggestions in the comments and feel free to use any of my ideas or oc's in your own stories.
Have a good day/night