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[ 𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞?
𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝?
𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚊𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚍? ]
skinny love // bon iver
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They hadn't talked about it, the kiss at the wedding nor the one from the other night. Yet she was consistent, as she had promised, as he had. He wondered if others noticed, the way they lingered around each other, his protectiveness over her, her softness that made him believe.
Regulus found her exactly where he had expected, carefully etching her notes into parchment. Her thumb was tucked between her teeth, her usual posture of concentration. He could watch her for hours, wanting to unpack all the layers of Jocelin Avery, for he knew there was far more depth to her than most assumed, even her own best friend.
"I knew this is where I'd find you." He laughed as he stepped up to her table. Her eyes widened with bewilderment briefly before settling into a polite glowing smile.
"Some of us need to actually work hard for our grades Mr. Black." She teased, an ease about her that was a rarity. Regulus wanted to relish in it, noting how sacred it was for her to share these parts.
"You'll do exceptionally. Care to join me for a walk?" He watched her hesitate, her eyes falling across her books and her notes, and he hoped she would chose him, even for just a moment.
"I promise to get you back to your studies in reasonable time." As if that was enough to assure her, she nodded, grabbing her cloak and falling in step with him out of the library.
Autumn would quickly be giving way to winter, and the briskness of the air was whispers of the bitter weather they were due for. But it was an unusually sunny day, deceiving most students with the coldness of the air. Still there were scattered groups about, enjoying what they could until the dreariness kept them closed off indoors. They walked in relative silence, making way toward the Black lake, one of his favorite places to disappear off to. It was big enough for a nice walk, plus easy to avoid other students.
He wasn't immune to the way things were changing, in fact his summer was a catalyst in that change. Slytherin's both older and younger, held a new respect for him, holding him on an even higher pedestal than before. He was serious about the cause, trusted and knowledgable, more mature than even his brother. He was Regulus Black, someone worth knowing. And yet, he never felt lonelier, outliered from his peers who could still keep themselves a step away from the war.
"When I was younger I used to believe this lake was named after our family. Andromeda had told Sirius and I this wild story of our great-great-great-grandfather taming the giant squid, and that's how we were named for it." He smiled, his eyes trailed along the smooth waters. He rarely talked about Sirius, and Andromeda even less. But Jocelin wouldn't judge, she would understand.
"Sirius kept it up after his first year, telling me how he'd seen the squid and it winked at him, he said it knew he was a Black. I think that was the only time he was proud of his name." His voice faltered and he ignored the pang in his chest. He should hate Sirius, he should despise him and wish him dead. For everything, for how it had all turned out. And yet he couldn't, the emotions were muddled in a knot, unwilling to come undone.
"Only once I arrived did I realize that it was called the Black lake because well..." He gestured to the darkness of the water. "My mother had said I was foolish to believe such stories. I think my father had been just amused, much to her displeasure." There was a comfortable silence that fell, letting Regulus breath easier.
"One time I tried to summon the squid." Joceline admitted, and he glanced down, almost eager to hear a secret from the myserteous girl. Others had whispered once, that Jocelin was quite forgettable and it was fortunate that the Avery family had Augustus. She didn't do much, just followed instructions, she was just there. But Regulus believed otherwise, ever since he had caught her listening in on their parents all those years before. Since then he had wanted to know her, for all that she was.
"Did it work?"
"Absolutely not." She laughed, it was light, rare. "I was sitting in our common room staring out the window and thought I had seen it. So I, very seriously, tried to accio it. Nothing happened, so I tried again. And instead summoned the model of the squid from the shelf. It launched itself against the glass and shattered at my feet." He couldn't help but laugh, imagining young Josi doing something so out of order.
"It was an ugly squid anyway." He whispered as they settled on a bench, facing the waters.
His hand slid into hers and she rested her head against his shoulder. If only life could be like this, the two of them, the cool air, laughing at their childhood, hopeful for the future. Enjoying the present at least. It seemed impossibly close yet distinctly out of reach, like a childhood smell he couldn't quite place but felt the familiarity of.
Time seemed to disappear as they sat there, wrapped up in the easiness of their company. Could Regulus have this for the rest of time? They weren't doomed to the volatile coldness of their parents, and yet they would still be exceptionally welcomed and respected. They were still following their destiny's, and he would happily continue with her.
"Josi." She straightened up, facing him, listening intently. He cleared his throat, unsure of where to start. Do you have to confess your feelings for someone you've already snogged?
"When I kissed you at the wedding, it wasn't the fire whiskey." She had to know that right? She had kissed him just the other night, as if confirming he was doing everything right. She just nodded, her face as serious as it had been.
"And you kissed me the other night outside the common room," she was blushing now, he could see it creeping across her cheeks, "this means we're together." It was a statement, wanting to show that this was what he meant, what he needed from her.
"Yes." There was no hesitation from her, a nod to accept him. If they had both been overly emotional beings, perhaps there would be more excitement, more celebration. But instead it felt like relief, like a worry had been taken away from him. He had never felt more firmly planted in who he is then in that moment.
"Good." He leaned over, capturing her lips confidently, letting go of all the worries that plagued him. Instead he took her in, all of her. Her warmth, her sweetness, the way her hands cradled his cheeks and kept him close. They could do it, and they could have it all. And in that moment the world made sense.
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The tension was palpable through the hallways, with everyone avoiding Slytherin students when they could, including a few of their professors. Jocelin didn't blame them, the Carrows and Hettie were tormenting students where they could, caring less and less about the consequences. She knew she could join in, that it perhaps would earn her a level of respect for her to conform with her peers, yet she had no desire too. Keep her head low, be quiet and observant, an air of aloofness would keep her safe. She couldn't do anything wrong if she never did anything.
And yet her newfound connection with Regulus elevated her to a level of gazes she hadn't anticipated. No one was surprised, well those that knew them anyway, but suddenly younger Slytherin girls met her with wide eyes full of respect and disdain. People stepped out of her way, giving her sly smiles. Regulus commanded respect from those around him without ever really speaking a word, and that respect was now being thrusted upon her. She would never admit it, but it was nice, to be given space without having to make herself so small.
On this particular afternoon she was making her way to the library alone, Regulus had mentioned something of a last minute quidditch practice, and it was rare for Hettie to be around her studies these days. She had secured her future with the Dark Lord, with Alexander, her family didn't expect much else.
Students passed her, huddled in packs of twos and threes, avoiding any eye contact with her. It wasn't much different from her every day life, but a bit odd this came out of fear now instead of indifference. Jocelin made no move to respond, no desire to scare these students any more, she had more things to worry about. A cry from the corner captured her attention instead, and as she turned it she witnessed her cousin Silas with Alecto Carrow, hanging a poor Ravenclaw upside down. Previously she would have simply turned away, it wasn't much of her business anyway. But something about the small dark haired child, and the fear on her face pulled on something in Jocelin. It was Delilah, in their living room after she had been sorted, her parents furious. It was herself, after being caught eavesdropping yet again, her mother stone faced remarking on how distasteful Jocelin was.
"Silas." Her voice cut through the cries and laughter, the shock of being caught breaking the concentration of her cousin as he dropped the second year who was quivering.
"Oh, it's only you." Alecto rolled his eyes, facing back toward the Ravenclaw who was attempting to gather her things.
"Care to join in cousin?" Silas teased, having noticed her reluctance to join in on any of the recent spirits of their house.
"Leave her be." Jocelin straightened up, attempting to hold onto any bit of power she had.
"That's no fun, we were just getting started." He faced her again, wand still held out, as if beckoning her to join. The young girl was off running down the hallway, Alecto barely missing her with a leg-locking hex.
"It's childish."
"Oh just because you're dating Mr. Death Eater doesn't mean you're better than me. You're still shy little Jocelin." Silas laughed, returning his wand to his robes looking bored. Jocelin tried not to recoil, knowing that not even her family respected her on her own, only by who she was in relationship with.
"Oi, respect your elders Avery." Hettie's voice boomed as she turned the corridor to face them, "No need for in-fighting now is there?" The faux sweetness threatened what she really thought, Jocelin felt herself turn inward again, the brief bravery disappearing. Silas and Alecto rolled their eyes, heading in the opposite direction grumbling to themselves. Jocelin didn't make eye contact with Hettie.
"You can't let them belittle you like that you know. Everyone is going to think you're weak." Hettie shrugged, leading the two of them in the direction of the library.
"I had it under control."
"You made your choice Jocelin, you could be meek and mild waiting on the sidelines, or you could take control, prove everyone wrong. You could be the one to end all the misery Delilah and her little friends cause." Jocelin stiffened, not letting the words affect her. Hettie wanted more from her, the chance of sacrifice that she was taking, that Regulus was taking, her father and cousins. But Jocelin couldn't bring herself too, she didn't see the point. She wanted to survive and was willing to be as adaptable as possible to make that happen. She couldn't be the only one thinking this way could she?
"I'll do what needs to be done in due time." She said, turning into the library and letting Hettie carry on away from her. She would do what was needed, she thought as she made her way to familiar desk. She was sure of that, she just didn't have to be like everyone else, offering themselves up to this man as if he was the savior of them all. As if they all weren't already cruel enough, but she supposed people craved the conflict, the blood, the taste of victory and power. Admist all of this, where was her part? Where could she fit in?
The words on her book swirled and Jocelin realized tears had started to slip down her cheeks. Quickly she wiped them away with the back of her hand, choking back the sobs that were caught in her throat. They still threatened to come and she held the palms of her hands to her eyes, pressing back the tears, the memories of her parents cruelty to Delilah, the terror on the young girls face, the delight from her cousin. When she was sure she had tucked away the memories, the sadness, the tears she turned back to her books, determined to survive. To show that she was not a throw away person. That she too could be worthy.
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