Diana
It's been two weeks since I told Dante I loved him and I didn't care. I wasn't sad. I couldn't care less.
Who cares if I love him? Who gives a shit? Not me, that's for sure. He's not in my life anymore and I'm more than happy about it.
I moved on from it like it never happened. Fiona and my friends continue to ask about him almost daily, but I change the subject. Infact I change the subject at any mention or anything that came close to Dante. But who cared? Not I.
"Go Fiona!" I shout, as Fiona hits the ball.
This was her first volleyball game, and I wanted to come. She had told me not to be loud, but I didn't care. I was loving this. Watching my daughter destroy those rats she called the other team.
I stuff my mouth with the popcorn I had brought and hear Val and Audrey sigh. They told me I have started binge eating since that day but I don't believe that. Besides, that isn't even what binge eating is. All I do is eat whenever something happens. I call it cheap therapy.
"Diana, you have a piece of chocolate on your cheek." Audrey says and reaches for my cheek.
I swat her hand away, "Don't touch me." I say more aggressively than needed.
I wasn't liking her right now. I wasn't particularly liking the world right now either. But Audrey had my blood boiling almost every time I saw her. It was like ever since I told her about Dante and I, she's been acting more bitchy than usual.
For example, this morning after breakfast, we were all getting ready. I went to the bathroom to see how my outfit looked. Audrey follows me in the bathroom and when I think I'm looking at least decent, she tells me I've gotten bigger and my jeans were looking tighter. You're not supposed to point that out right? Besides, it was healthy weight.
"Who's number seven? I think she's new." I hear a boy say behind us.
"I don't know but she got a fat a-"
I stand up and turn around angrily. "She has a fat, what?" I shout and the two boys' eyes go wide.
"Who are you?"
I lean forward, "Who am I? You listen here you scumball little boy. You are not to speak that way about my daughter again or I promise I w-"
I try to reach for one of the boys shirts but feel a hand on my stomach. They pull me back.
"Diana, Diana, their kids!" says Val.
"Okay? They're talking as if they've had a wife, three kids and a dog named Totò."
"I'm sure they didn't mean it, right?"
The boys don't answer, so I lean forward but Val pulls me back again.
"Right?" She asks louder.
"Yes." They mumble.
"See, let's just sit back down and enjoy Fiona's first game alright?"
With one last glare I sit back down and begin stuffing my mouth with popcorn and chocolate again.
The alarm goes off declaring Fiona's team has won.
Val, Audrey, me and Fiona's school members stand up, cheering in joy. I smile proudly when I see Fiona's teammates lift her up, leading her to the locker room.
Around twenty minutes later everybody is leaving and we are waiting for Fiona at the car.
"Did ya see me mama?" She asks running to the car.
Val unlocks the door as I respond, "Of course I did. You were amazing, pretty girl. I'm so proud of you."
"Thank ya." she replies and we all get in.
It isn't long before we arrive at our apartment. Val and Audrey congratulate Fiona by making a small cake for her. We also play a game of Monopoly, but soon Fiona becomes tired and decides to go to bed.
"Diana, we need to talk." Audrey announces as I rinse the last plate out.
I chuckle, "Well I've heard that one times too many." I nudge an imaginary shoulder, "And let's just say there was no talking after that if you know what I mean."
Val and Audrey stand in front of the counter with a serious expression.
"We're serious, Diana."
I laugh, "What is there to talk about? I'm fine, and you guys are more than fine. And I'm not just talking about emotions, wink wink."
Val laughs but stops after Audrey hits her. She stands up straighter.
"We're worried about you, girl. You've been kind of off since that day."
I throw the towel I was holding in the sink, "Oh come on what is this? An intervention? I'm fine you guys, damn."
"You say that but your actions say otherwise. You've been binge eating, drowning yourself in work, and you're getting more aggressive every day."
I roll my eyes, "I am fine! Oh my gosh, why can't you guys just accept that!"
Audrey comes closer, "Really? Last night when I came over you were hitting a drawn picture of Dante hung on the wall with a carving knife."
"It was a paring knife." I correct her and she rolls her eyes.
"Diana."
"Well what do you want me to say, Audrey? That I'm a heartbroken mess? That it feels like fucking concrete drying in my chest everytime I think of him. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Yes, Diana! I want you to share your emotions and feelings for once in your goddamn life! We can help you."
I move closer to her, standing in front of her. "Oh you can help me?"
"Yes!"
"No you can't.You can't fucking help me Audrey! No one can. I can shout from the rooftops how I feel and at the end of the day you can't help me! A few words and gifts can't take this pain away. So don't sit here and tell me you can help me when you have no fucking idea how I'm feeling right now."
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You've never suffered a day in your life Audrey and everyone knows it. You're a spoiled brat who thinks she's entitled to everything. You're selfish, and judgemental and you don't give a shit about anything or anyone!"
"Me? Judgemental? I think you've got it mixed up sweetie."
"You know what you're right. I am pretty judgemental and I sure as hell have a lot of flaws, but you know what I don't do, Audrey? I don't shame my so-called friend, knowing they're going through something!"
She steps back. "Are you talking about this morning? Diana, I was joking."
"Well it hurts, Audrey, alright. Some shit you say to me really fucking hurts."
Valentina steps closer. "Why didn't you say anything, Diana?"
"I didn't know how to, okay? It doesn't matter, anyway. Just go home."
"Di-"
I turn the kitchen light off and begin walking to my room. "I'm serious guys. Just go, I just want to be alone right now, alright?" I say, reaching my room.
I don't bother to turn the light on. I sit on the bed, knees pressed to my chest just as the front door closes. Picking up my phone from my nightstand, I decide to play some music. That usually calmed me.
I rock slowly as a soft song plays, humming the lyrics softly. After the song ends, I wait for the next to play and freeze when it starts.
You are my sunshine.
Before I know it, tears stream down my face. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had successfully avoided breaking down since it happened. Distracting myself with work, every time I was alone for more than a few minutes I thought of him, so I would have to get around someone. Eating away the pain and taking the anger out on someone else.
But now I was all alone. There was nothing or anyone to keep those thoughts away. Images of his intoxicating smile as he sang along to this song in the car. I hated it.
I tried to prevent this from happening. To prevent falling in love with such a complicated and emotionally unavailable man. But I couldn't. I don't know when it happened, but it did. One day I started looking at him with more than dislike.
More tears fall as the song continues to play.
God, I'm so pathetic.
Nothing topped this pain. My head felt cloudy, my heart felt heavy, and the world seemed lifeless and gray. It is a shard in my guts that never leaves.
But I won't push them aside tonight. Tonight I will do something I've never done. I will let my emotions out. I will feel this heartbreak. Perhaps I might just feel a tad bit better when I'm done.
So I rock slowly, whispering along to the song. I'm sure the pillow I am holding has probably become wet from my tears, but I don't care.
My eyes start to fall closed as I do so, "You are my sunshine." I lay down slowly, wrapping my arms around my pillow tightly.
"My only sunshine."
•••
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