Here I sat with Sam in the bed of his truck. We were at a park eating pizza and watching the sunset.
Sam was like an uncle to me. I was close to him; I felt like I could tell him anything because I would only see him once in a while but he would still call and check up on me.
"Sam, I don't know how long I can put up a front anymore." I spoke as I laid back and looked up at the sky. Sunsets are one of my favorite things ever. But they also remind me of Tommy.
"Let it all out Fallon, this is a safe place. I've got you."
"Sam, it's been two years... I... Fucking hell. Sam, I'm still in love with him. I think I will always be. There's no way that I'm going to escape it. This is so much stronger than I thought it would be. I've never been in love before. I don't know how it goes, but all I know is that I am in love with him and I don't think it will stop. And I kinda hope it doesn't stop."
I fiddled with my hands. A nervous tic I have become so accustomed to.
"You hope it doesn't stop?" Sam asked me.
"Is that toxic to say? Like I want to always be in love with him because I know that in one way shape or form we will find our way back to each other. He is a habit that I am addicted to, and I should've never given up. But I feel like I needed the maturing and I needed to be on my own and find myself first, distance was just another minus."
"Have you ever thought that maybe he still loves you? Maybe he's trying to find you, he's trying to come back. Maybe he's ready and he wants to know if you're ready." Sam asked.
I never really thought about if he was looking for me. Sure I've changed everything, so I could leave easier. I've taken all these precautions yet, he could still find me. Why have I never thought about that? Will he even talk to me if he does find me? And is he still in love with me? This is why I never wanted to get into the habit of him. Because now I'm stuck and can't leave, and can't get him out of my head.
"Oh my god. I never thought about it after I disappeared. It was always just, I disappeared so it's easy. I never thought about what would happen if he found me. Or what happens if we both are ready, how do we even come back from that? These are questions in my head, and answers i wont get, thoughts i've never said, and i really fucking wish i did."
Sam stayed quiet and gave time for my mind to run and for me to realize everything. This was part of me becoming ready to see him. Ready for the future. Because I know for a fact that if I have anything to do with it, Tom Simons will be in my future.