-TRIGGER WARNING-
As you all know, Jisoo and I grew up together. When my mother and Jiyong adopted her, I got really mad at them because I didn't want a new sister, especially because I was living part time with my dad, so I hated knowing that Jisoo got all of my mom's attention and time. You know, just a silly twelve year old having rivalry with an orphan, and I probably should've been more compassionate back then seeing as I was twice her age, but kids will be kids.
Anyway, Jisoo and I had a rocky start of our relationship and since she always refused to refer to my parents as mom and dad, I also refused to call her my sister. I guess that was really petty, but she didn't seem to mind either. Then Haruto and Lisa came along, and those three actually had a tight siblings relationship with each other, so I tried to befriend Jisoo when she was a pre-teen, you know, to makeup for all the years of bickering and fighting.
Don't get me wrong, the banter never really stopped, but at some point we became almost inseparable and she became as protective as they come with me. I was the first person she came out to, and we would tell each other everything. Even when I knew she would most likely chase my boyfriends away, I would still confide in her when it came to my private life. She was the person I'd go to when I needed to vent, and she was the one to hold me and play with my hair until I fell asleep every time some jerk broke my heart.
And this brings us to three years ago: when Jisoo was sixteen, in her junior year, and I was twenty-two, about to start preparing for my internship.
It was a Saturday afternoon and it had been pouring rain non-stop since Friday morning. One of the worst storms we'd had in the city in a long while, and that day I was at work at this small flower shop near campus, when I received a call that there was an issue with my transfer papers for the hospital in Seongnam. Some bullshit about my documents being incomplete and they needed them immediately, so I had to find a way to go home to get them.
"Chung, I need you to do me a favor."
"What is it, unnie?"
Chungha was Jisoo's girlfriend at the time, and her mom owned the flower shop where I was working, so she was usually hanging around whenever I was there. I always thought she was jealous of me, which I honestly thought was hilarious, because Jisoo and I's relationship was never anything more than platonic.
"I need to send some papers to my University; can you cover for me?" I asked while taking off my apron and handing her the keys. "And tell your mother I'm really sorry, but this was an emergency."
"Sure, unnie."
By the time I was already picking up my stuff and walking out the building, I didn't have to wait much longer until I saw Jisoo parking up right at the curb. She wasn't supposed to be driving around alone, but Jiyong was too lazy to be her driver, so he'd just give her the car instead.
Thankfully, she was just on her way back from tennis practice by the time she received my text, so picking me up wasn't a problem.
The drive home seemed rather fast considering the weather conditions, and once I had picked up my stuff, I was walking down the stairs and through the living room to the main door, when Jisoo caught me by the arm.
"Where are you going?"
"I need to fix some paperwork at my University and email it to the people in Seongnam" I explained, feeling rather annoyed that she wasn't letting me move.
"Are you serious?"
"What?"
"You promised we would go out today" she said, and I could tell she was mad at me. "What, you get accepted into a prestigious school and I'm suddenly not good enough for you anymore?"
I rolled my eyes, getting inpatient.
"Not this again" I groaned. "Seriously, get out of my way, I really need to go."
"First you don't tell me about your transfer - I have to fucking hear it from Lisa, and now you don't even want to go out with me knowing damn well you'll be gone in less than a week?" her voice was getting louder and she was all up in my face at this point. "Honestly, Sunmi, you're so selfish."
I sighed. She could be really aggravating, but in this case I knew it was just her ego talking because she was too proud to admit she would miss me once I left.
"You're right, and I'm sorry" I said, taking ahold of her hand and forcing her to look me in the eyes. "I promise I won't be too long. I'll be back in time and we can celebrate your birthday together, how does that sound?"
Jisoo's shoulders slumped a little and she let out a sigh, but she looked back at me and smiled.
"I'll wait for you" she said. "I'll call Hanbin and Chungha to tell them about the change of plans."
"Thanks, Sooya" I smiled, kissing her cheek. "I promise I won't be long."
Taking the car keys, I made my way to the front door when it suddenly burst open and I crashed against the person who'd just walked in, my face immediately hitting his broad chest.
"Well, hello to you too" he chuckled lightly.
I immediately recognized that voice.
"Suho!" I gasped, backing away from him just enough to give him his personal space.
"Now what the fuck are you doing here?" I heard Jisoo's angry voice ask from behind me.
"You should be thankful I came to see you on your birthday, dyke" Suho snarked. "You're certainly not worth my time."
I hated being in the middle of those two. Ever since Jisoo had come out, Suho became an unbearable asshole to her, but he was still going around the house a lot mainly to try to hit on me, which just pissed his sister off even more. It was a complete mess.
"Both of you, stop it!"
"Where were you going, anyway?" Suho asked, looking down at me with a stupid smirk on his face.
"I need to go by my dad's house first to pick up the rest of some documents I need to send today."
"I'll take you" he offered, opening the door wider.
"Are you serious?"
He simply shrugged and shook his car keys in front of my face.
"My car's bigger than yours, you'll be more comfortable" he said, that smug grin never leaving his face.
He made a good point, though, so I agreed.
"Wait!" we heard Jisoo from behind us so we turned around to face her. "If he's going, then I'm going too."
"Three is a crowd" Suho said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I don't remember inviting you."
"And I don't remember asking" she said, walking up to us and taking me by the hand. "I'm not leaving her alone with you."
The atmosphere in the car was a little awkward but nothing I couldn't handle. I was more worried about making it in time without risking it, because we could barely see in front of us what with the thick fog and the pouring rain that was thundering against the windshield.
Suho was a good driver so I wasn't worried about that, but there was apparently an accident in the middle of the highway where a big trailer rolled over and spilled oil all over the pavement, so authorities were moving the vehicles aside and the traffic was going slower.
I knew Jisoo was sulking in the backseat, and I couldn't help but feel guilty cause I knew this was the last scenario she could've ever wished to be in, especially on her very own birthday. I suddenly felt like a complete jerk for moving our plans like that, so I turned around in my seat next to her brother and took one of her hands in mine.
"Sooya" I muttered, lightly shaking her hand.
No response. She seemed to be focusing on the road ahead instead of paying attention to me. Typical Jisoo giving me the cold shoulder whenever she was mad.
"Jisoo!" I said, this time louder.
With wide eyes, she looked back at me and seemed to be shocked by my sudden outburst.
"What?" she snapped. "What is it?"
I sighed. I hated whenever we fought, but especially now because I was leaving town in a few days and I didn't want to leave knowing that she wasn't talking to me.
"Please forgive me. I'm really sorry" I said, rubbing circles on her hand. "You're mad at me, aren't you?"
No response.
"Are you listening to me?"
She rolled her eyes and scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
"It's whatever, Mimi. Just drop it."
Sighing, I let my head fall on Suho's shoulder.
"Come on, Sooya, you know this wasn't -" in a second, my eyes went wide as saucers and I screamed at the top of my lungs. "WATCH OUT!"
Suho's reflexes were fast. I remember he tried to gain control of the car after jerking us to the side as quick as possible because there was a truck charging at us at full speed. However, the oil spillage was everywhere, and he ended up losing complete control of the car and once he hit the brakes, that was it: our car drifted on the pavement with so much force that it propelled in the air and we must've rolled at least three times before finally crashing on the ground with full force, upside down.
I have no idea how we even made it out alive, to be completely honest.
I don't know how long it had been, but I could hear the faint sound of sirens blaring in the distance, and there was a loud ringing in my ears. I remember getting the urge to vomit when I felt the metallic taste of blood and bile rising up in my throat, and my head was pounding like crazy.
But opening my eyes... that's something I'll never forget.
Suho and I were both hanging upside down due to our seatbelts. I could barely make out anything in front of me, except for blood - he was bleeding out. There was so much of it on the crushed dashboard and on our clothes. He was looking at me - part of his face mushed into the now deflating airbag, and I was struggling to breathe as well cause mine had me pinned against my seat so tightly that I could feel my neck compressing and cracking.
I can't remember his exact words, but I know he told me he couldn't feel his legs and that he knew it was his blood dripping all over the car.
"Su - Sunmi..." the voice was shaky and barely audible, but I caught it.
"Jisoo?" I asked, desperate.
I couldn't crane my neck any further to see her, but I was sure it was her somewhere in the car.
"Su - Sunmi..." she repeated, her voice getting lower and lower. Like a faint whisper.
I tried to push myself out of the deadly grip of the airbag. Unclasping my seatbelt, my head immediately hit the roof when gravity did its thing and I was now lying on my side, letting my blood flow naturally along the rest of my body which had gone numb.
I could make out the sounds of sirens now closer, and several different lights flashing around us, as well as the loud noise of some equipment being used to try to break open the driver's door.
When I looked to the side, that was a sight that I will never be able to forget: Jisoo just lying there, looking at me as life was slowly escaping her. Because she was sitting in the backseat, she hadn't been wearing a seatbelt, so she had rolled all around the car from the moment of impact, and I could tell half her body was contorted to where I could only see the top of her head covered in blood, running in an endless stream down her bare face.
Her lips were busted open, her nose looked swollen and bruised, and her eyes were wide open just staring back at me, fully dilated and empty of life. She was going unconscious.
"Jisoo!" I cried out in desperation.
I was trying to get closer to her but I couldn't. I was trapped between the cushion of the seat and the dashboard, which was heating up fast, along with my door.
It got to a point where everything was too hot and I had to use my bare hands to pry myself free of the seat entirely, but I burned the skin of the palm of my hands off in the process. And just as I was about to reach out to help Suho out of his own seat, I heard gargling noises behind me, and when I turned my neck back around to see what was going on, Jisoo was already having a seizure. Mouth dripping with bubbling drool and eyes rolling to the back of her skull.
"Jisoo!" I screamed again, terrified.
I was crying and in so much pain, and to make matters worse, when the firemen hosed down the hood of the car, as well as my door, the steam and water droplets that bounced off the broken radiator and engine were hot enough to burn my chest and half of my face.
-
"Anything else after that is a complete blur until we were all in the hospital and they took me to the burn unit" Sunmi finished off, visibly shaking.
She took a sip of her tea, and we all fell in complete silence for a few moments.
"This is the first time I'm hearing all of this" Chaerin said after a while. "Your point of view, I mean. I never knew you were awake the entire time, my child" she choked out a sob.
I could tell this was just as hard for her to talk about, as it was for the rest of us.
"May I ask what happened after that?" Mrs. Park asked, unsure.
Chaerin sighed.
"Suho went into surgery for a hip repair, and to stop the bleeding from an open wound in his torso" she explained. "Thankfully, no major organs were damaged, and he was able to go home about six weeks later. His mom came into the city to be with him."
"You were out of the hospital much quicker, right, unnie?" Rosé asked, looking at Sunmi.
The latter nodded.
"Four weeks, to be exact" she answered. "Jisoo was awake by then."
"That's right" Chaerin agreed. "Jisoo was in a coma for three weeks after her surgery. The doctors had warned us all to be prepared for the worst, because she had a swollen brain by the time the ambulance picked her up.
There was also some internal bleeding, and all in all, the prognosis wasn't too good. She could either wake up with severe brain damage, loss of cognitive functions, or just not wake up at all. We truly didn't know what to expect."
"I don't remember ever being inside the hospital" I confessed.
They all looked at me surprised.
"I remember bits and pieces of people around me, and maybe a couple of nurses, but I guess I blocked the rest of it out."
Chaerin was looking at me with so much compassion and tenderness, that it made me feel out of place and awkward in that moment.
"That's not surprising at all. Along with the amnesia and the trauma response, you seemed to be unable to remember a lot of things" she said, calmly. "Actually, your brain wasn't even capable of retaining any new information for the first twenty days. You couldn't speak, you couldn't walk, you had forgotten a lot of things. It was like raising a newborn baby.
There was a tube into your nose going down your throat that was feeding you for a whole week cause you couldn't even chew properly. After that, they moved you to purees and milkshakes that the nurses had to spoon feed you. I did it sometimes as well. It took a while for you to go back to solid foods. Those were difficult times."
I sat there in silence, just listening intently. I could feel Rosé's eyes on me, but I was purposely ignoring her.
"I guess the worst part were the panic attacks" Chaerin continued. "Maybe it's because she was the last person you saw before your brain swelling, but anything related to Sunmi would trigger you. The mere mention of her name was enough to set you off, never mind her voice or her presence. It got to a point where all they could do was sedate you and keep her away from you. That was the cruelest thing to a mother, and the toughest decision I had to make."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
She sighed.
"They told us about this really good institution" she said. "It's a rehab center for people with PTSD and surviving patients of terrible accidents. The doctors promised it was the best option for you to do your speech therapy and physical therapy, as well as a live-in psychiatrist that could check on you regularly. I didn't want to do it, but Jiyong convinced me.
I was torn in half, because on the one side, I didn't want to leave my own daughter unattended when she was recovering from her own wounds, but I also didn't want to be the person that abandons and orphan when she needs her the most, you know? I mean, who does that? And so, we came to an agreement. We would send you away to that rehab center for five months, and Sunmi would move in with her father. He offered to take care of her, and I would have to visit so you wouldn't have to see her again.
He even moved to Seongnam with her just so she could continue with her studies, and I devoted all my time and energy to your recovery. It took you a little over a year to go back to school, and I was so proud of all the progress we made, and happy that the worst of it was done, but I never really stopped worrying about you."
She paused for a moment to wipe at her eyes with the back of her hands. I could tell she was trying her best not to cry, but tears kept rolling down her face so much that Rose's mother had to handle her a napkin.
"I'm sorry" she sniffed. "I know I'm not your mother but I did everything I could to keep you safe, and to make sure you wouldn't bounce back to a point where they would have to take you away again. I can't bear the idea of you being in an institution like that on your own all over again. It's too painful, and too traumatic.
When my sister told me about her husband's condition and how they would move back to Seoul, I had to come up with a plan so you wouldn't find out. I didn't want to risk you freaking out, and I'm very aware of the similarities between Rosie and Sunmi, but I thought maybe if you didn't know they were related, you wouldn't notice too much and you'd be okay.
I'm really sorry, Jisoo."
And just like that, she got up from the couch and walked away. I knew Chaerin - she was always so strong on the outside and she never allowed any of us to see her cry, so I wasn't even surprised at this reaction. She needed her time, and so did I, so I just sat there and finished the rest of my tea in silence.
Finally all the pieces to the puzzle fit, and I didn't know how to feel about it.
-
It was about an hour later. We had engaged in some light conversation after that in which I was finally able to catch up with Sunmi and, though it didn't exactly feel like before, it was a good start. She still chose to stay at the Park's, however, but it was okay.
By the time we were supposed to leave, I asked Chaerin if we could have a word in the living room before getting in the car.
"Why did you say that?" I asked, looking straight into her eyes. "That you're not my mother?"
She looked taken aback by my question.
"Because that's how it's always been, isn't it?" she replied, still looking at me like I was crazy. "It's what we agreed on. That I'd never try to replace your mother."
"And you never did" I deadpanned. "But you don't have to say it like you aren't the most important person in my life."
She was flabbergasted. I could tell she wasn't expecting that answer and now she couldn't find the right words to say.
"What?"
I sighed.
"I know I don't say this a lot, and I'm ungrateful and I've been the most difficult person you've ever had to deal with" I started, taking a step closer to her. "And I can't even imagine what you had to go through back then when I was recovering, and all the sacrifices you had to make. It couldn't have been easy, and I admire you for that.
But most of all, Chae, you're the reason I'm alive today. You've made me the person that I am, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Now I truly understand why my mother chose you to take care of me, and I couldn't agree more because I can't think of a better person to do the job. I'm really sorry I've given you such a hard time.
You may not be my mother, but I love you just as much."
Sobbing, she hugged me and that was the first time I ever hugged her back since I was an infant.
Maybe things would be okay after all.