Opening his eyes was the hardest part. When the illusion shattered, and the dream that had been the neo-world program melted away, there had been nothing but darkness. While his classmates - his friends - all fell deeper into fantasy worlds of their own making, he simply laid in darkness.
Wake up. The voice that was not his own spoke calmly, but with cold authority. Kamukura.
That's going to take some getting used to, Hajime thought.
Only for you, Kamukura responded, confirming Hajime's suspicion that the stranger in his mind could hear him think. He wondered if he'd ever feel okay with that. If it would ever be okay that someone else could hear his thoughts at all times. Someone capable of...
Now is not the time, Kamukura interrupted. We can discuss that later. For now, wake up.
Opening his eyes was the hardest part. Rising from that all-consuming darkness that surrounded him on all sides, and emerging, blinking against the bright lights of the room he was in as the device he was lying in opened like the lid of a casket.
He lifted his hands, watching as he opened and closed his fists. A bizarre thought struck him; It's nice to be back in control.
As if Hajime had just opened a floodgate, he was suddenly drowned in a torrent of memories that he had unintentionally invited. He could remember what it felt like to be a passenger in his own body, watching as Kamukura, brilliant and confused, rose to the top of a despair-riddled world. He remembered how it felt to watch, seeing and hearing and feeling everything but being entirely unable to control his body. He could remember years of that hell, committing atrocities he dared not acknowledge entirely against his will. The tears were unwanted, and yet they came heavily. As he sat there and cried, his mind was full of the raging sea that were his memories, so intense that for a while they even silenced Kamukura.
But not for long.
Get up. I know it hurts, but we have work to do if you wish to save your classmates. You can sort through my memories later.
That caught Hajime's attention. Why do you care?
I don't. Like it or not, you are the dominant consciousness now. I'm merely offering advice.
Hajime frowned. Dominant consciousness? Did that mean that-
No, I assure you I am still capable of taking over if necessary. But, as previously stated, that can be discussed later. For now, the body is yours. But if you want to save them, I suggest you listen to me.
"I-Izuru?" The voice was familiar, snapping Hajime out of his thoughts, and it was terrified.
"Sonia!"
"Oh... you're Hajime now!"
Hajime wondered how Sonia could have mixed them up. They did look different after all... didn't they?
Did you think all that hair would just magically fall out when you woke up? Kamukura's voice was not mocking. In fact, if Hajime hadn't known better, he might have thought he was... amused.
Right... He decided to return his attention to Sonia.
"Yeah, I'm Hajime now. Even if I don't quite look like it..."
"That means it worked." The woman that Hajime recognized as Kyoko Kirigiri approached him with no hesitance. "The neo-world program undid the damage caused by the despair video, and by the Kamukura project.
Hajime frowned, silently cursing the day that he first heard of that project.
Thankfully, Kamukura didn't take offense.
Hajime stood up. Looking around the room, he could see the other casket-like devices opening, and the remaining survivors of the killing game, as well as the other members of Future Foundation, stepped out. As he walked, the dark hair that Kamukura had chosen to grow out hung around him like a cloak. It was thick, and tangled, and... surprisingly heavy. He looked to Kyoko. "How long will those that died in the simulation be okay?"
Kyoko frowned. "They won't wake up on their own. But they won't die for real either. Theoretically, someone could spend the rest of their lives in there, living in whatever fantasy they generated for themselves."
Hajime smiled. "Great. First order of business; this hair has to go. I hate it."
And he did hate it. There were so many reasons to hate it. But the biggest reason of all was the fact that it made him look like Kamukura, and he was not Kamukura. Not anymore. His body was his own again, and it was time to exercise that control. Sonia found scissors, and it wasn't long until the matted mess was being cut away. If he could have cut away the part of himself that was Kamukura, he would have.
Ouch.
He had forgotten that the other could hear him.
...I'm sorry.
You're not. You can't lie to me, Hajime. We share a mind.
He huffed, much to Sonia's confusion. You can't tell me that actually hurt you.
Kamukura fell silent. That was what Hajime had expected.
XXXXX
By the time Hajime looked more like himself, Kyoko, Makoto, and Byakuya had all left. Something about an urgent meeting with Future Foundation. The survivors, Hajime, Sonia, Kazuichi, and Akane, were told that they were free to explore the island at will. But Hajime had something else in mind. He returned to the machine that housed the neo-world program.
Hey, I know you're in there! He called out for Kamukura in his mind the way one might shout for a disobedient child to stop hiding.
That's not really necessary.
Whatever. You said you know how to get them out?
Yes, I can get them out.
Tell me how to do it.
What? Kamukura almost sounded surprised, but Hajime didn't believe it for a second. Kamukura didn't feel anything, besides boredom.
Tell me how to get them out. You're not taking over.
...very well.
It was a long process. Kamukura explained every step to Hajime, who followed his instructions exactly. It wasn't until the very end, when it was time to enter the simulation, that Hajime began to have doubts.
Will this really work?
Of course it will, Kamukura was cold as always. Go in, find a way to ruin the illusion, and lead them out.
How do I know this isn't a trap? How can I trust you?
You can't, Hinata. You don't trust me at all. But if you want them back, you have to.
Hajime drew in a slow breath. Could he do this? What would happen if he no longer had control when he woke again?
He shook his head, stepping away from the machine. Kamukura could not be trusted. Frustrated, he left the building, and went to find the others.
"Any luck?" Kazuichi was the first to speak when Hajime approached them.
"No."
"Is there a reason?" Sonia asked, sounding genuinely curious.
Hajime took a slow breath. "Yeah. It's... It's Kamukura. You guys remember him now, right?"
They all nodded quietly.
"Well, he... he's not gone. He sort of lives in my head. He says I need to trust him if I'm going to save the others, but... I don't. I can't."
The others exchanged glances, as if there was something they knew that he didn't.
"You'll figure it out."
XXXXX
That night, Hajime was afraid to go to sleep. Afraid to relinquish the control he'd only just regained. Afraid-
Why are you afraid of me?
Right. His thoughts weren't private anymore.
I don't want you to take control again.
I understand that, but why?
That made Hajime pause. Seriously? Just look at all the things you made me do!
He began forcing himself to remember what Kamukura had done. The more he focused, the more he could see. Literally. When he focused, he could see into his headspace, where he stood facing Kamukura, the images of the memories appearing between them as if on a table.
"...how did I do that?"
"It's easier to talk if you imagine a place where we can see each other. We've done this a lot, you just don't remember."
At Kamukura's words, the images on the table shifted, showing other, similar conversations, and suddenly Hajime could remember them.
"I told you we could sort through the memories when there was time. Well, now seems like a good time."
Hajime didn't like having to look at Kamukura as they talked. Having to see his face made it a lot harder to pretend that Kamukura couldn't feel anything.
"That's the point." There was a slight smile on Kamukura's face as Hajime reached that realization. "There's more to me than you realize."
Hajime growled. "That's not true! You're a monster!"
The memories began to swirl around them. The images of the things that Kamukura had done. The things that had brought him to this place when he had tried to remember the first time. They were a storm around them now.
"You did this! Not me! You! I shouldn't have to remember this!" Tears streamed down Hajime's face.
"I was brainwashed," Kamukura reasoned. His voice was calm, but Hajime could see the sadness in his eyes. That had to be fake. "I was forced to watch the despair video, just like the others."
One memory surfaced from the storm, and Hajime frowned as he witnessed exactly what Kamukura had described. For a brief moment he felt pity. But he couldn't pity that... thing.
"You're still completely capable of ruining my life if you wanted to! I'm terrified of you!"
Kamukura sighed. "I won't. I don't want to take over the body again."
That caught Hajime off guard. "What? Why not?"
"The others like you better."
"So? Why do you care about that?! You don't care about anything?"
At that, Kamakura's face twisted with rage. "I tried!"
A new surge of memories came forth. Ones that Hajime hadn't seen yet. He got the feeling that Kamukura had been trying to hide them.
He saw his friends as the Remnants, somehow still friends, or at least allies, despite it all. He saw Kamukura's clumsy attempts at understanding emotions and dealing with people, only hindered more by the despair that had taken ahold of him.
He saw the short time between the experiment and the despair video, when Kamukura was kept isolated with precious little to do. When he did have something, it was usually reading material, and he longed to understand the emotions described within the pages. To feel them.
He saw confusion, and desperation, and annoyance, and boredom.
And then he saw Nagito.
Nagito, on his knees before him - before Kamukura - with a chain around his neck. He saw how, for a time, Nagito had been almost like Kamukura's pet, in a way. He could feel the way Kamukura cared for him, and wanted to protect him, and just keep him alive. The way Kamukura felt love that wasn't love because it was so clouded by despair. But because Hajime understood that feeling, he knew that it would have been love if not for that all-consuming despair.
Kamukura wasn't crying, but somehow Hajime understood that he would have been if he'd had the capacity. "I had even less say in this than you! I wasn't designed to have feelings. That was a side effect of being put in your body. All you've ever wanted is to feel special, and all I've ever wanted is to feel normal."
Hajime felt something inside himself soften. "...Izuru..."
The other met his eyes. "You've never called me by my first name before..."
Hajime drew in a breath. "What is it that you want?"
"I don't want to take over the body again. I don't want to do that to you. I know that's what you're scared of. I just... want you to let me watch. Let me experience things, and offer advice when I can..."
"That's really all you want?" He felt a guilt beginning to consume him. He had been so cruel to this other side of himself. This other, misguided, confused, emotionally stunted side of himself that needed Hajime more than Hajime needed him... and yet he'd once wanted to be him so badly...
He had volunteered for the project. He was equally at fault.
"I'm sorry," Hajime said quietly. "It's not fair of me to blame everything on you... I don't know if there's a good answer for our situation, but I do know that forcing you to live a half life and only experience things through me isn't the answer either."
"Then what do you propose?"
Hajime thought for a moment.
"What if we can work out some kind of deal?"
"A deal?" Now he definitely had Izuru's interest.
"What if every morning we just take a moment to discuss who should be in control?"
Izuru nodded. "I feel like you should be in control more frequently, after all it is your body."
"It's our body. But it can be that way if that's how you want it. Do we have a deal?" He extended his hand to Izuru. Could they even touch in the headspace? He wasn't sure.
Izuru reached out and shook his hand.
And then Hajime snapped back to consciousness.
XXXXX
It took a few weeks to wake the others from the neo-world program. Hajime and Ka- ...Izuru were carefully navigating their new truce, and thus far all seemed well. Hajime had explained the situation to the others, and they seemed happy that he'd reached an understanding with the shy man that they barely remembered. Izuru rarely took over, and everything seemed to be going well.
And then the time came to wake Nagito.
"Hajime, are you sure you want to wake him up?" Peko's voice was gentle as she spoke.
"What?! Of course I am! I woke all of you up, didn't I?"
The others exchanged nervous glances.
"We aren't, you know," Akane paused, as if searching for the right word, "maniacs."
"We were once," Hajime said quietly. He didn't understand where all these feelings were coming from. He had never been this protective of Nagito before. He assumed it must have been from Izuru. Maybe really strong feelings were just like that. "We don't know what he'll be like when he wakes. Maybe he'll be better. Maybe not. Regardless, he deserves to live. If we can forgive each other for what we did in that program, why can't we forgive him too?"
He was met only with silence. Taking that as an answer, he entered the building, and prepared to go into the program.
But he wasn't expecting Izuru to pull him into their shared headspace.
"What's going on?"
"I just think you should know," Izuru said flatly, "that what you felt wasn't me. My feelings aren't so strong that they can affect yours."
Hajime frowned. "What? Then why..."
"Are you seriously going to ask me why you feel that way about Nagito? Do I have to show you your own memories?"
Hajime didn't answer. He didn't need to. The memories were already appearing, and he wasn't sure if they were called out by himself or by Izuru.
The memories were all from inside the program. Memories of that first morning, meeting Nagito on the beach, and exploring with him. Memories of the first trial, of feeling so afraid and yet so desperate to understand that complex mind he could see only glimpses of behind those grey eyes. Memories of a tentative friendship that he wished with all his heart could have felt real, because he was so very curious and so infatuated with the idea of getting to know more. Of being trusted like that. Of...
"Yeah, I get it... Is that why you brought me here?"
"No."
"No? Then what's wrong?"
"Hajime... we both love him. I feel like this could be a problem."
"Not necessarily."
Izuru looked surprised by that. Hajime seemed to be the only person that could catch him off guard. "What do you mean?"
"It's not like we have to fight over him. We share a body. I think all we can really do is continue our deal and see how he feels about it."
"...I suppose."
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get our boy out of there."
XXXXX
It had been nearly a week since Nagito had been led out of the program by the odd collaboration between Hajime and Izuru that had called itself World Ender. What a strange situation that had been. Everyone else had only wanted to deal with one or the other. Most had only wanted Hajime. But Nagito... had wanted to be saved by both of them. That had to mean something, didn't it?
Regardless, both Hajime and Izuru were hesitant to approach him. Nagito always seemed so nervous around the others, in a way he hadn't been before, and it was concerning, but neither of them wanted to make him even more uncomfortable by asking.
Until, one night, Hajime saw a familiar shadow pass his window. Curiosity led him to follow it, to where it eventually stopped on the beach. There, standing before the black water, under a grey sky and bathed in moonlight, Nagito almost looked like a ghost. Hajime took a breath to steady the ball of nerves in his stomach, and he approached.
"Nagito?"
"Oh... hello Hinata."
"You can just call me Hajime, you know," He said softly as he sat beside Nagito on the soft sand.
"Sorry. I don't know why you waste your time with me-"
"Hey," Hajime's voice was soft, but stern. "That's enough of that. If I thought you were a waste of time, I wouldn't be talking to you right now."
Nagito didn't have an answer to that, and so he was quiet for a moment. "...what do you want?"
"I'm worried about you. In-"
Don't say it.
"...before. You were so full of life, and so eager to talk to everyone, even if you were still a little secretive you weren't like this. I want to know what's wrong."
Nagito laughed. It was a sad, humorless laugh. "What's wrong is I did horrible things in there. I did horrible things out here too, but I was brainwashed. But in there... that was supposed to be me free of despair. And all I did was hurt people and cause chaos. And now I'm back out, and the others look at me like I'm a monster, and... I want to be better. To be someone worthy of belonging here. But I don't know how."
Hajime felt his heart ache for Nagito, but he also felt a gentle pull in his mind.
May I speak to him?
"Nagito? Izuru wants to talk to you. Is that okay?"
Nagito looked genuinely surprised. "Izuru... He's still alive?"
"Yeah... long story short we're sharing a body. I don't think I could destroy him, even if I wanted to."
Does that mean you don't want to anymore?
Yeah...
"...okay, I... I would be honored to speak to him."
Hajime nodded slightly, and closed his eyes. And then...
Izuru opened his eyes. He looked around, and then focused his gaze on Nagito. "Komaeda..."
"Hello Kamukura." He sounded frightened, and Izuru felt an ache in his heart that he was only just beginning to understand. "Hajime said you wanted to speak to me."
"I do. Why wouldn't I?"
"Because I'm a worthless human being? Because I treated Hajime horribly? Because I was your plaything for a while?"
"You weren't my plaything."
"Then what was I?" That flash of defiance in his eyes was one that both Hajime and Izuru knew well.
"...I don't know what you were," Izuru admitted, "but I know that I had feelings for you. Feelings I didn't understand. Feelings I still hardly understand. And I know how it feels to be treated like a monster. But... Hajime is helping me understand myself better, and I think he can help you too."
Wait, what?
"He and I both care for you, Komaeda. And even though you don't see it, you are worthy of being better, as long as you're willing to try."
"How do you know that?"
Izuru decided that would be a great moment to give control back to Hajime, who was startled by the sudden shift but easily shook it off. "Because weather you're worthy or not doesn't depend on if you feel like you're worthy. It depends on if others feel like you are."
"Hajime..."
"If you're willing to try, I'm willing to stand beside you. And so is Izuru. We both love you."
He watched as Nagito drew in a slow breath. "I love you too."
After that, the night became silent. In a movement willed by both of them at once, Hajime and Izuru took Nagito's hand in their own. His hand was cold, but that was okay because his own was warm.
And finally, finally, it began to feel like maybe things could get better.