*Author's Note*-I really like this chapter. it's starting to get deep and I love writing that shit. Enjoy!
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-Sigrun(Sarah)-
"I should have died on that ship with Thor," Loki says as he bleakly looks at the wall. My eyes widen.
"Loki, don't say that. You made the right decision. You saved your family, you are not a bad person." I scooch closer to him on the bed and put my hand on his knee, coaxing him to look at me, which he does. "Why do you always think bad things should happen to you?" I ask. Loki looks into my eyes. He's exhausted and grieving, he has a right to be.
"Because I deserve it, everyone knows it, they wouldn't care." My mouth falls open and I feel tears come to my eyes. I gently grab his face and look him in the eyes.
"I would, Loki. I would care," I almost whisper and he looks at me almost curiously. I took a moment to get back to my thoughts because the deepness of his eyes was too distracting. "Your wife would care, your sons would care...Thor would care. You have to stop punishing yourself for your past. You are not your past Loki, you are whoever you want to be." There is a long silence as he looks back at me and I can't seem to pull away. Finally, a small smile spreads across his face.
"When did you become so wise?" he asks. I laugh lightly, letting my hands drop from his face.
"It took...time but I was able to find myself again. Trust me it took a good amount of therapy. But if I ever wanted to move on from the pain in my past I had to stop punishing myself for it," Loki swallows and looks down and I swear I see a hint of sadness before he looks back up at me admirably.
"Well, I'm glad you have found peace and happiness...you deserve it. Maybe I should try to forget too," Loki says.
"I didn't forget, I just moved on. But some things I didn't want to let go of, some things were worth holding on to," I say, gently as I absently reach up to rub the ring around my neck.
I can feel Loki looking at me for a few moments but it feels like hours before I clear my throat and stand up, Loki following my lead.
"You have a right to grieve Loki. But with Thanos coming I don't know how much time you'll have left with your family."
"We will beat Thanos," Loki says firmly. I sigh.
"I hope so.... When you're ready I suggest you spend some time with your family. Spend time with the people who make you happy before all hell breaks loose." I leave the room before Loki can say anything because he seems deep in thought. I probably shouldn't have said anything like that. He might have just lost his brother and now I'm telling him his family might die too.
I push away my feelings until I can make it to my room. And once I do I promptly close the door, stumbling into my bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror. I look right back at myself as my greyish blue eyes scan my body. My hair is tied back in a ponytail, the curly dark brown hair cascades down from the band I put to hold it in place, only slightly disheveled. There are dirt marks on my arms and some on my face, evidence of the spar I just had with Valkyrie. My Valkyrie armor is still attached to my body, the vibranium laced fabric hugs my thighs and hips perfectly to provide just the right fit, compliments of Suri. My dragon fang blade is still hooked to my side so I hastily unsheath it and place it on the counter. I release my hair from its ponytail and run my hands over it to smooth the baby hairs out of my face. My eyebrows are drawn in as I search for what's making me feel so...lost.
I take off my fingerless gloves, set them beside my sink, and wash the dirt from my hands until they feel raw. I wash the dirt from my face and tie my hair back into a ponytail.
Leaving my blade in the bathroom I leave my room and head for the small training room they built in the lower level. Maybe punching some stuff will help me figure out why I feel like this.
The punching bag swings back from the impact of my multiple blows. I'm sweating again and the rush is finally helping distract me from my thoughts. But what are my thoughts?
Thanos?
Punch.
Is Valerie safe?
Punch.
Will I ever see her again?
Kick. Punch.
Is Thor alive?
Punch. Kick. Punch.
He has to be alive.
Punch. Punch.
Loki was so distraught, what if Thor really isn't okay?
Kick. Punch.
And if Thor's dead and we win, will Loki leave?
Punch. Punch. Punch.
Will that be it? He'll leave with his family and we'll never see each other again?
Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch.
But what if we lose? What if Thanos kills half of humanity?
Punch. Punch.
What if we are all killed and Valerie is left alone?
Punch.
What if I lose my friends and my little girl then I have to live without them?
Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch.
What if Loki dies? He'll leave his family without a father.
Punch.
Loki's a father.
Punch.
He's married.
Punch. Punch.
He has a family, a life and it's only been three years.
Punch. Kick. Kick. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
Strong arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me back into a firm chest, away from the punching bag I've somehow managed to split open. I don't have the strength to fight them as tears stream down my face, blurring my vision. When did I start crying? I let the person hold me to their chest and my arms go limp at my sides.
"It's okay, It's okay," Pietro's voice says behind me. So that's who's holding me. "Shh, shhh." I let out a strangled sob and he holds me closer to him. My legs give out beneath me but Pietro holds me and slowly lowers us to the ground. I try to speak, to tell him why I'm having a fucking breakdown as I'm boxing but only half words make it out. I'm just blubbering and I don't have the energy to care. I simply lay back into Pietro as he holds me on the floor, sobbing into his shoulder.
After a while, I've practically almost cried myself to sleep in his arms. I feel him lift me off the ground and speed to my room, laying me on the bed. I slowly sit up, rubbing my eyes. Pietro is looking at me with sympathy, he knows why I'm such a fucking mess.
"God, Pietro, I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of everything and I got overwhelmed and emotional. I didn't even realize I was crying," I muse, managing a forced laugh. Pietro doesn't laugh, he just looks at me with a knowing expression. My face smile fades and my eyes start to water again. "Is it wrong to be mad that he moved on so fast? Is it wrong of me to feel betrayed? That could have been us," I say, gesturing out my closed door. "We were so...close. We almost had a family. Do-do you think he moved on so fast because he found someone that could do what I couldn't for him? Do you think it's because I couldn't give him a family and he resented me for sending him away so he found the next available option?" I'm full-on sobbing, my body is shaking with my breaths and I wrap my arms around my middle, holding myself. Pietro's hands force me to look at him and he wipes the tears off my cheeks. He sighs.
"I don't know. But I do know you are overthinking like you always do. You're coming to conclusions without knowing all the facts. And no it's not wrong of you to feel that, to be honest, I'm a little pissed at him too. Look at all the hurt he's causing you," I let out another sob, wiping my own face and straightening my back.
"Thanks, Pietro. I um...I should go take a shower, I'm pretty gross," I utter. Pietro begrudgingly lets me up and makes his way to the door.
"You're strong princess." Pietro leaves my room, carefully closing the door behind him. I let out a breath a didn't know I was holding and stepped into my bathroom, undressing and stepping into the steaming hot shower.
I get out 30 minutes later wrapped in a towel, wringing out my hair. I change into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and slip on a sports bra followed by a loose tank top that has my now fully formed Valkyrie symbol on display.
I walk into the kitchen and look over the counter to see Loki sitting on the floor with his family, playing with his two boys. He's showing them illusions with his magic and creating little nights on horses they can play with. The scene makes my heart melt but is soon followed by a wave of jealousy. Loki looks up, catching me watching them.
"Sigrun, come join us," Loki says. Sigyn looks up at me from her spot next to Vali with a smile.
"Oh no, I wouldn't want to intrude," I respond.
"Nonsense, this is what you told me to do after all," Loki responds. My eyebrows draw together.
"I told you to spend time with your family," I counter. Loki gives me a cheeky look, the exact one I've missed so much these past three years and I practically swoon.
"No, you told me to spend time with the people who make me happy, that includes you," Loki answers. My cheeks light up and there is no doubt Loki noticed. I clear my throat and smile defeatedly as I walk around the counter and sit down a few feet from Loki, right behind Narfi. The little boy looks back at me, he looks a bit startled so I quickly hold my hand out to him, palm up. He looks curiously at it before timidly reaching his small hand out and grabbing one of my fingers tightly. He uses my finger to pull himself to a standing position and waddles into my lap, plopping down and grabbing at my sweatpants. I mindlessly play my fingers through his red hair. I look up for a second to see Sigyn looking at her son with love. Loki's eyes meet mine and they are filled with meaning, intention...adoration. I look away quickly and gently place Narfi back on the ground and abruptly stand up.
"Excuse me," I say, turning around and walking down the hallway.
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*Author's Note*-Uh oh... Drama! I know you guys were waiting for a heart to heart so here it is. Please vote for more and comments are always appreciated. <3RJ