It was almost late in the morning, the sun had already rose up and cast a silloute of the buildings upto the pavements of the city. The cherry blossoms had already fallen through the paths and the roads had already boomed with the sounds of the passing vehicles and the students' laughing voices.
Typically, Kunikida would have called me already and get my ass to work, or they'll let Atsushi fetch me from my apartment.
I reached out my hands to the ceiling, taking a deep breath, and opening my eyes to see the ceiling lights. It was already almost....
Almost..............................
I blindly reached out to my phone, and peered my eyes open to check the time through my phone which had read out '10:22 A.M.' and my eyes had worked its way to check any notifications through the messages or anything.
Oh, its that day today.
I am not obliged to do anything today.....
But as if someone was dragging me along, the heavy feeling of dread that had pushed me off to and change and eat something as the day had started. I would normally just lay down, go back to sleep, or go outside and find something that would seem interesting. Today is not that type of day I guess, right?
Before anything, I felt like I had forgotten something. I scanned through the room, and checked but nothing came into mind so I decided to walk out.
Before I close my door, I remembered that I had forgotten something.
I do not know what is this something that I had forgotten.
And that is a problem for future me!
So I walked out of my door and locked it behind me. I made my way downstairs off the the apartments when as if future me had kicked my head to go and get that something that I had thought about. Good for you future Osamu Dazai, good for you.
I walked back to my room, unlocking my door, and opening upto the mess of the room that I left it in. My futon is still a mess and is not yet done, my kitchen had nothing in it except for a few groceries, the cabinets have items folden quite 'neatly', and there is nothing else in the other places that I could possibly had put something that valuable.
Valuable.
I finally recognized and realized it. I had put it in the pocket of my pants..... Ah yes, truly a detective I am!
I had made my way out the compound and let my heart lead my feet away. I can feel it, as if I am being dragged, the same feeling that I had earlier this morning. I know that there is a place that I usually go, maybe to the restaurant downstairs of the agency, or go solve some cases, or go and be caught on one. But even if I close my eyes, I know that my feet would lead me to that area.
It was an exclusive cemetery for the members of the Port Mafia, for the people who died with no families to recover their corpses, or no one to care about their deaths. With an organization as big as theirs, the cemetery was quite vast and wide with a columbarium that runs throughout the perimeter of the area. It was hidden and is guarded to protect the identities of the members and to avoid leaking information or having their information be used in the wrong manner.
I passed through the gate, nodding at the guard as he let me pass through. He had always been here, ever since I was still on the mafia. This way, we can keep the information hidden. I am pretty sure he still recognizes me from before so he let me in. Or maybe someone did ratted me out that Im visiting his grave but ok.
I've waved my greetings and made my way into a secluded area, half expecting atleast a single person on the place.
The Port Mafia, such a place of violence, war, gangs and trades and a lot of shady things, but they aren't particularly the bad guys, even at the other people's perspective. Well maybe just a tad bit bad with all the lives being passed through as if they are just stepping stones to achieve something that one desires.
But at the least, I expected Kouyou or Mori to visit today. And there is no way that they would hold an event in commemoration of someone, no matter how much they are important to the organization. These lives are used for the hopes of betterment, they die in masses, and a lot of these 'extras' are just forgotten by time.
It still operates the same, just like last time. Like him. The Port Mafia taught me that it is easier to let go of something as soon as possible to not get hurt, but I think that the Agency had made me too soft for this.
There are no shades, no trees, nothing, but the sun is not as fierce and the breeze is cool as I settled down on one of the newer graves at the secluded area.
As you looked around, this specific area is filled with names that I somehow recognize, from the executives from about 5 years ago, maybe a little later, a little ealier. I am familiar with them since I used to be one with them, working alongside them, and now, against them.
As I looked around, I can feel peace. Maybe because it is silent. Maybe because its because of the isolation. Maybe because it's you.
Why is life so unfair. "No Longer Human", what is more human than dying? You should already know that. Right?
Chuuya?
You were never the monster that you always say you are.... Well Maybe I am one. Is that why I just couldn't get myself to just... die?
Even though as If there is any value that in living?
I remember when we met on the bridge on your way back home and I accidentally saw you? I should have just asked you to die with me that day, but instead, we just fucked around. I can still remember the whole scenario.
You were standing at the bridge, staring off into the distance in my direction while murrmurring. You were so out of it and you just had a resting bitch face while you are whispering. I approached you and I heard, 'And what brings him here? Take a wild guess.'
'Scenery Chuuya. Scenery.' I lied. I was longing to see you that day and you almost smacked me immediately. How typical. It had been a long day and seeing you that day gave me the feeling of warmth. Of home.
Your eyebrows furrowed as you raised your hand unto your temples, rubbing them while making such an annoyed expression. 'Not another one of your pranks or trying to jump off?'
I was suprised! So you DO care! Or atleast know about it, hopefully atleast the first one should do. You probably heard it in the news or rumors spreading around. I can't blame you since you probably also check in case to know if you should use corruption or to not go overboard, or if there is a possibility of us working together agian.
'Nope.' I answered. I looked at you as I feel content, slightly smiling, letting my shoulders loosen. Your hair flew with the wind and the rays of sunset reflected onto your eyes. How does one so broken, looks absolutely... Beautiful? 'The scenery here is quite an eyecather.' I raised my hand to try to empasize the scenery... as if I'll be an ass and just point at little McHatRack and I felt a gush of wind as I looked around and the wind brought along petals from the pathways of the riverbanks.
I closed my eyes on the fear that dust would reach my eyes, but out of my vision, I saw you. You look so soft, so gentle, as if a touch will just break you. As if.... I can just... reach out and... 'Chuuya, what's wrong?' A singular tear rode down your face.
Your hands immediately brushed it all off away as you grinned, letting out a slight chuckle. 'Woooo! Is the air really fast here because something is in my eye.'
Should I tell him that someone's eye will only water if its dust in their eyes.... and what, I'll expect that he'll go full lovey-dovey and not just be this shrimp that would try to kick me? No shit Sherlock. 'Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Whatever you say slug!'
I stared a little bit too hard and realized that it will just piss you off. 'Anyways you going home right?' I asked, and you nodded, as if you are tired of talking to me, which is fair.
I stretched out, looking down the railings, and slouched. My hair were covering a part of my vision but I can see by your shadow that you were looking at me.
If I go.... will you reach out for me?
Will you hold my hand as I pass?
Uuuuuuuuugh I just want to hug you and keep you in my with me at all times but I can only have you in my head and heart but not in my arms.
If only this feeling would wash down like all the petals and leaves that made their way downstream.
I jerked up to look at you but I was too stupid and now everything is going hazy, is spinning, and as if the world blurred sown and fatigue had finally caught up to me. My momentum of looking up had pushed me pass through the railings with the sick twist of faith.
I'm falling.
I know this feeling all too well, with the feeling of nothingness but the air that is quickly flowing through my skin and clothes, the feeling of being disconnected, of being alone.
But this time, I can feel warmth, I do not know if its from the inside, or from the feeling of seeing you atleast before I plunge into the coldness again.
I should hit the cold water anytime soon, would be dragged away with the current until Kunikida looks for me, until a fishnet catch me, someone spots me and reports me, or anything in this world may happen but somehow I'll still won't die... That's the Dazai way.
But this time, I didn't realize that I am clinging into something. My instant reaction if I'm falling from heights is to keep my arms near my chest to not get injured too much. It is the feeling of falling, but not of dying anymore. But I felt, not emptyness of me just clutching on my chest, but I managed to peek through the wind that is blowing through my face.
As if it was rubies that shine through a white light that is pulled through the roughest mines.
Or as if it was the most beautiful roses, harvested from the harshest of conditions without its petals so fragrant to keep you drawn into it, only to hurt you with it thorns.
It was a particular shade of red that I cannot miss.
I now know what the answer is, even if its not direct, I am happy. There is no way that either of us would die from this fall. I can smack a piñata with your head and still be fine. It is the thought that counts.
I hugged you close, your hair smells like the sun and your frame that is so small that I can easily mistake you for a girl.... or a child I don't know.
'Chuuya,' I myself did not even comphrehend what I did in this short span of time, I hope you didn't too. I planted a quick kiss into your forehead, I didn't anticipated what I am doing but maybe because of the heat of the moment, the opportunity to do so, 'I love you.'
I do not know if you ever heard it but I did heard and felt the water on my skin. I was honest with my feelings for the hopes that I would not regret it, but maybe because of that, I still regret that I never said it to you in person, in a more normal circumstance, in a normal life.
That was the last time that I have ever seen you, well... sort of. The shock and all of those happening had knocked you out but I managed to pull you through the shore. To imagine that a mafia executive could immediately be knocked out with water.
You were so young yet a lot had been put into your shoulders. To have your ability put into you as if you are just a vessel, to have been leading a whole organization, sheep, into betterment, to be a part of the port mafia and work your way through the ground and be an executive..... Your friends had betrayed you, you saw your friend's lives fade before your eyes, and the sacrifices that you had made.
'Take care, partner.' I said as I left you with my coat as your blanket. I am pretty sure that I should just bring you back to your home but you may not like it. You do not want to be viewed as weak. I made sure that I got your clothes properly, and your hat.... The hat that Randou san had passed onto you and made you an official member. The hat that kept you chained to Verlaine.
How long has it been since we first met?
I am so lucky to have you.
If I have a soulmate, I would be happy if it is you.
You are strong, but that does not mean that I don't want to protect you.
But then the next time that we have seen each other, you are just slowly waiting for your death.
I have failed to protect you.
Were you not the one who told me that we'll get through all of these together? No matter how many years it will take?
You liar.
I guess I am too.
I promised that I will always be by your side and protect you. You used to activate your ability, only to protect others. Why is that?
Ever since you learned about corruption, you used to be so afraid of it. Its not just that its your full potential, but knowing that it can be lethal, even if you used it for a second too late.
You trusted me.
How hard have it possibly be for you? It was hell every time you used Corruption. Not just the emotion that compels you through, but the physical pain that manifests in you. It was more than hellish. For someone to control that destruction, all you can feel is that your skin is melting off, your organs being crushed, and your bones are being pulverized. Yet every single time, you know you cannot escape from that nightmare unless I helped you to do so.
You trusted me with your whole life.
And I wanted to protect you.
Yet I was indeed a second too late.
It was not even just that I was a second too late. I was foolish. If only I had not fucked around and keep being by your side. Even last time, I left you alone to suffer, believing that you are fine with me leaving and letting you handle the burden by yourself. It was always me that leaves, and you to carry the burden, yet expecting you to rescue me in the times of my trouble. Yet I kept on running away when it was you who was in need.
No amount of 'sorry' can count to what I did to you.
As I saw your body dropping towards the ground, I felt my heart drop and I made my way towards you in a rush. I do not care about the people around. They are good as dead. But you? To imagine, living in a world without you just sounds so terrifying.... If only...
I arrived and just managed to hold your hand, but then I realized, I may have been too late.
Your hands were cold, your pulse were slow. As I am holding your hand, I can feel the coldness and how if I were to squeeze it, I can easily just break it. You are finally so brittle, so fragile, yet where am I when you needed me? '
I checked on your wounds and noticed that you were already bleeding too much. A rib that had pierced through your lungs that is causing you to cough up more blood, bruised up limbs from the lack of blood and injuries, a wound on your stomach that looks like as if you had been stabbed. Yet somehow you look so peaceful, sleeping.
Too peaceful for my liking.
"OI, CHUUYA YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO DIE BEFORE ME! YOU HEAR ME!"
I pulled out my spare bandages and unwrapped some of my own to keep the bleeding, applying pressure to keep it slower.
"YOU ARE MY DOG FOR LIFE! AND YOU STILL SAID THAT YOU'LL KILL ME!"
My breathing had overtook the noises surrounding me, with my heartbeat, trying to catch up. Maybe for the hopes that your heartbeat will not slower down nor weaken.
"CHUUYA PLEASE....."
I sobbed as I do not know what to do.
"You were the reason why I kept on living.... in that time...... thinking that I'm..... I'm lucky to have you.... And.. And I had took that for granted."
I cannot squeeze your hand for the fear that I would break you. I want to hug you... But the best that I can do is to call out for help with the hopes that someone can hear me and call back ups.
My throat hurts.
As if I woke up from a nightmare with my throat parched from a nightmare. And this is the nightmare that I am living in.
"Da-dazai. Can I tell you something?" I heard you among my screams. Your voice were weak and silent. I know that you are very tired but to talk after using corruption, you truly are something.
"Yes Chuuya. Please." I wanted to hear your voice, with the hopes that it would not be the last time. I want to keep hearing your voice, focusing on it to know how much strength you have it.
"I have a double dream. The first one is that we lived where your wound will put flowers on the same spot on your soulmates. Dazai, you are my soulmate." You talked, I can hear you but I only nodded, as I tried to apply pressure to your wounds, keeping the bleeding to be more managable.... if only...
"It is a happy dream but I died." I gulped, as I felt your hearbeats grew slower. I do not know if it is a good sign or a bad sign.
"Chuuya. Please don't say such things as that. You won't die! I promise." Another promise that I am to break.... I am such a horrible person.
"Dazai, I died but woke up. With you in a hospital. You cried and hugged me." Yes, this is indeed just a bad dream and we both would just wake up after being beaten up and we would laugh about it.
"Chuuya."
"Dazai, please come over to me." Your voice were soft. I want to hear it from you, everytime that I wake up.
I inched closer to you, trying to listen for what you were about to say.
But you hugged me.
As if I am not a fool. How can you have so much courage? How am I such a fool to just keep on an act and all just because of this and that, only causing pain to anyone......
I hugged you back. I do not know what to do but I want to keep you in my arms forever. Your body was cold but I can feel the warmth and sincerety of it. I do not know what to do. I want to protect you. I want to be with you. Please.... I felt the tears work its way through you. As if I finally found someone to protect, I wanted to save you....
I looked at you. So fragile. I just want to cup your face, and maybe have this scenery still in my heart.
Maybe there are things that I regret. There are things that I could have done and I would always look back and think about it. And one of them would be now.
I leaned in, aiming to kiss your forehead as the same way as I did before, yet you moved to look up and I accidentally had kissed you on your lips.
You'll normally be mad and probably kick me in the face, throw your dagger at me, and call me words. But what you gave me was the warmest smile that I had seen that came from you.
You closed your eyes, taking deep breaths and you slowly slid down to the ground. I clutched you to my chest, as I do not know what to do.
Someone I care for is dying in my arms again.
And all I can do right now is sob.
And somehow you decided to torment me more.....
"I love you." You mustered the strength and courage that you have onto those words.
Why....... Why me?
This is so troublesome.
Then you decided to not say any more words, you just sat there, peacefully.
You finally look in peace, after all these torment. Are you leaving me? Fair enough. You have suffered through my shit for far too long, it is fair that it is finally your turn to leave me.
"I love you too."
I can only hope that you heard me.
Ah, such a sad memory... I cannot say if it was a sad memory or something that I would rather forget, but how could I?
I was foolish back then Chuuya. I should have done something. We were in a joint mission for the Agency and Mafia which required Corruption and I just let you do the work and all. The premise is similar to the guild's and to the Dragon Head's conflict and that is about it.
Yet I let you overwork until your body was not able to handle it.
It is purely my fault. They said that it was because of the prior stab wound that caused the death, but I know that I could have done better. No simple stab wound can kill you, but I let it go worse and let you through these suffering. If only I could have brought you to Yosano and let you heal. Or even to Mori to give you proper medication..
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh... thinking of these things are too hard for my weak pathetic heart.
But seriously though.... Do you really need to believe in an alternate universe and such just to realize that we are totally meant for each other! What is it? Hanahaki disease?
I laughed it off, thinking that we are both just two dumbasses being blockheads to each other... If only we were not that reluctant to say it normally, and don't just wait until we are in this gruesome situation...
In another life, I will make sure that I'll tell you how much I love you.
I took a deep breath
Somehow.... Well, hopefully.... in another universe, it would you who will save me... right?
Until we meet again, Nakahara Chuuya.
He had closed off the book that he had been writing ever since.... He had forgotten. It used to be a book that is similar to a a scrapbook, but after Chuuya died, Dazai had been treating it as a diary, an autiobiography to say. He had considered writing a book but this is the only way that he knows how. With the many narratives and report cases that he had browsed through, the thousands of papers that had passed through his hands, and somehow, this is the best that I could do.
Dazai normally writes his daily life in this book and it usually composes of,
'Kunikida is mean again.... but it is never the same if its Chuuya... It's just never the same.'
and a lot of
'I ate onigiri', 'I slept late', 'I am lost', 'I did not manage to die today', 'Atsushi and Akutagawa are being dumbasses like us again',
and a lot of just random notes that happened through his daily life.
Everyday was eventful to be in the Detective Agency but nothing really facinates him, but he would take note of the simplest things in life. This simple things where he can find happiness and what events in his life would he tell to Chuuya.
Just the casual things in life that would make you happy. A reason to keep on living. A reason to look forward to a brand new tomorrow.
Dazai held the book in his hand, scribbling something on the coverpage, as he grinned from ear to ear.
"Chuuya! I have a lot of stories to tell you and I planned to keep on doing this from now on. I wonder how you are." He smiled as he leaned back the gravestone, closing his eyes and feeling the breeze.
"I wonder what would you say to me right now. You'll probably kick me for being too cheesy or dramatic!"
Then was silence. Only with the ambient sounds surrounding him, everything was peaceful. It was quiet and calm and you can only hear Dazai, talking every now and then, as if he was replying to a conversation.
He stood up, brushing the dust off his pants and stretching while taking deep breaths.
"Yups! That's enough for today. I will visit you soon."
He left the book facing down as he slowly made his way towards the exit of the cemetery. The wind had caused the book to have its pages flutter down, from the latest page which happened for today, Chuuya's first death anniversary, until it managed to flutter down to the coverpage, which had read, "A mackarel and A slug".
"Oh by the way!" Dazai looked back, his expression softened as he looked at the gravestone, with the feeling as if he was actually making eye contact. "Maybe one day, we can fill in your parts on the questionnaire, Chuuya?"
1. Thank you for 100K reads! Dang yall need real life... and that also goes for me xD..2. Thank you for reading and staying with the Thorns Au like dang, 14 Yearold me started it and here we are now. Remember to do what makes yall happy, and maybe watch out for the SKK Fic that I am working on that would feature PM Boss Dazai and ADA Chuuya, ;)
Happy readings everyone and take care!!!!!