Abu: Oh. Aladdin. Wake up. Aladdin.
(Carpet rises up, lifting Aladdin up. He awakes slowly.)
Aladdin: Oh! My head.
AJ: Is everyone alright?
Daniel Tiger: Pikachu and I'm alright Aladdin: We're trapped. (Angry, shaking his fists at the entrance) That two faced son-of-a-jackal! (Calmer) Whoever he was, he's long gone with that lamp.
Abu: Aha!
Aladdin: [chuckling] Why, you hairy little thief. Aladdin: Looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think there's something written here, but it's hard to make out.
(He rubs the lamp. Suddenly smoke comes out of the hole, the lamp begins to shake and glow, but Aladdin holds onto the lamp, and a genie comes out.)
Genie: Aaaaahhhhh! Oy! 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck. Hang on a second. Whoa! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there. Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. Where you from? What's your name?
Aladdin: Uh... Uh, Aladdin.
Genie: Aladdin. Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you "Al"? Or maybe just "Din." How about "Laddie"? Sounds like, "Here, boy. C'mon, Laddie."
Aladdin: I must have hit my head harder than I thought.
Genie: Do you smoke? Mind if I do? [giggling] Oh, sorry, Cheetah. Hope I didn't singe the fur. Yo, Rugman. Haven't seen you in a few millennia. Give me some tass-el. Yeah. Yo, yo. Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I'm gettin' bigger. Look from the side. Do I look different to you?
AJ: Hold on a second, you're saying that Aladdin is your master?
Genie: That's right. He can be taught. What would you wish for me? [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] The ever impressive... [as if trapped in a box] ... the long-contained... [as SeÒor Wences] ... the often imitated, but never... [multiplies himself]... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... Genie of the Lamp! [as Ed Sullivan] Right here, direct from the lamp. Right here for your very much wish-fulfillment. Thank you."
Aladdin: Whoa. Wish fulfillment? Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That's it. Three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.
Aladdin: Now I know I'm dreaming.
Master, I don't think you quite realize what you've got here! So why don't you just ruminate whilst I illuminate the possibilities.
[Genie]
Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves
Scheherazadie had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeve
You got a brand of magic never fails!
(GENIE produces 40 thieves who surround ALADDIN with swords. GENIE appears in his vest, then sticks his arms out and boxes the thieves into submission.)
[Genie]
You got some power in your corner now
Some heavy ammunition in your camp
You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how
See all you gotta do is rub that lamp
And I'll say
(Boxing ring appears, ALADDIN in the corner, being massaged by GENIE. Then GENIE turns into a pile of fireworks and explodes and fire at one of our heroes. Then GENIE appears inside lamp and grabs ALADDIN's hand and rubs lamp with it.)
[Genie]
Mister Aladdin sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, jot it down
You ain't never had a friend like me
No no no!
(GENIE produces a table and chairs, then writes down things on a note pad, like a waiter. )
[Genie]
Life is your restaurant And I'm your maitre' d!
C'mon whisper what it is you want
You ain't never had a friend like me.
(GENIE appears as a plate of chicken, then returns to normal, but enlarges his ear to listen to ALADDIN. Finally, he explodes into four duplicate GENIEs.)
[Genie]
Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service
You're the boss, the king, the shah!
Say what you wish, it's yours!
True dish How about a little more Baklava?
(The GENIEs give him a shave, haircut and manicure, then ALADDIN appears in a comfy chair (eh?) surrounded by the treasure and being fanned by women. The GENIE appears and fills the screen with baklava.)
[Genie]
Try some of column 'A'
Try all of column 'B'
I'm in the mood to help you dude
You ain't never had a friend like me
(ALADDIN rises up on a column of food with a giant A on top, then jumps to another column with a B on top. He falls off and is caught by a cushion held by GENIE. He opens his mouth, and his tongue turns into a staircase. A miniature GENIE dressed like a magician comes out. The mini GENIE does a little dance with the GENIE's two giant hands. At the end, they surround the mini GENIE and squish him into nothing.)
[Genie]
Can your friends do this?
Do your friends do that?
Do your friends pull this out their little hat
Can your friends go poof!
Well looky here
Can your friends go Abracadabra, let 'er rip
And then make the sucker disappear?
(The GENIE pulls off his head, duplicates it, then juggles them. He tosses them to ALADDIN, who juggles with one hand and spins one of the heads on his fingertip like a basketball. He tosses the heads back onto the GENIE, who proceeds to try and pull himself out of a hat at his base. He spirals around and around until he turns into a white rabbit. The rabbit transforms into a purple dragon (very reminiscent of Figment from EPCOT Center). The dragon breathes fire, which turns into three HAREM GIRLS, who dance around ALADDIN. Just as he begins to enjoy them, they disappear.)
[Genie]
So don't you sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed
I'm here to answer all your midday prayers
You got me bona fide, certified
You got a genie for a charg? d'affairs!
I got a powerful urge to help you out
So what you wish I really want to know
You got a wish that's three miles long, no doubt
So all you gotta do is rub like so, and oh!
(GENIE imitates what he is calling ALADDIN, then turns into a certificate which rolls up and surrounds ALADDIN. GENIE pulls a list {written in Arabic} out of ALADDIN's ear, which he uses to rub his behind like drying off after a shower.)
[Genie]
Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three
I'm on the job, you big nabob
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never...had a... friend... like...me!
You ain't never had a friend like me!
(The dancing HAREM GIRLS reappear, and ALADDIN leans in to kiss one. She turns into the GENIE, who zaps four dancing elephants into existence. To the other direction, he zaps in four dancing camels, and a grand finale dancing number ensues, as well our Heroes dancing along as well. ABU grabs as much gold as he can, but the GENIE wraps everything up in a cyclone and zaps it away until they're all back in the cave. GENIE has a neon "APPLAUSE" sign on his back. ABU turns his hat over and sees that is is empty.)
Abu: [chattering] Huh? [groans]
Genie: So, what'll be, Master?
Daniel Tiger: So you're gonna grant Aladdin three wishes, that he could have anything that he wanted, right?
Genie: (As William F. Buckley) Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos.
Aladdin: Like?
Genie: Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody. (He slices his head off with his finger.) So don't ask. Rule number two! I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else. (Head turns into a big pair of lips which kiss Aladdin.) Mwah! You little punim there. Rule number three! (Lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie.) I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!! (He grabs Aladdin and shakes him) I don't like doing it! (He poofs back to normal.) Other than that, you got it.
Aladdin: Hmm.
Abu: Oh!
Aladdin: Provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? Some all-powerful genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead
Daniel Tiger: What is he talking about?
Aladdin: I don't know, Daniel Tiger probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way out.
(They start to leave, but a big blue foot stomps down in front of them.)
Genie: Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walking out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're gettin' your wishes, so SIT DOWN!!
(They all get on Carpet.) Genie: Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walking out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're gettin' your wishes, so SIT DOWN!!
(They all get on Carpet.)
Daniel Tiger: That's one angry genie.
AJ: Tell me about it.
(GENIE takes the form of a stewardess, with lots of arms pointing out the exits.)
Genie: In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, anywhere. Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet. We're... outta here!
(They ride out of the cave. Meanwhile, at the palace throne room, the Sultan talks to Jafar)
Sultan: Jafar, this is an outrage. If it weren't for all your years of loyal service... From now on, you are to discuss sentencing of prisoners with me, before they are beheaded.
Jafar: I assure you, Your Highness, it won't happen again.
Sultan: Jasmine... Jafar. Now, let's put this whole messy business behind us. Please.
Jafar: My most abject and humblest apologies to you as well, Princess.
Princess Jasmine: At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am a queen, I will have the power to get rid of you.
(Jafar chuckles nervously)
Sultan: That's nice. All settled, then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business... [notices that Jasmine is walking off] Jasmine? Jasmine! [runs after her]
Jafar: [growls] If only I had gotten that lamp!
Iago: [imitates Jasmine] "I will have the power to get rid of you." [growling, returns to his normal voice] To think we gotta keep kissing up to that chump and his chump daughter and keep Shadow Man a secret for the rest of our lives...
Jafar: No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished. Or beheaded.
Both: Eeek...
Iago: Jafar What if you became the Chump Husband?
JAFAR: (He looks at IAGO in insult) What?
IAGO: Okay, you marry the princess,all right? Then, uh, you become sultan!
Jafar :Oh... Marry the shrew... I become the sultan... The idea has merit.
Iago: Yes, merit! Yes! And then we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff. Yaaah! Kersplat!
Jafar: [wicked laughter] I love the way your foul little mind works.
(Then, Both of them laugh maniacally) to an oasis in the desert, where Carpet is coming in for a landing)
Genie: (Still as stewardess) Thank you for choosing Magic Carpet for all your travel needs. Don't stand until the rug has come to a complete stop. (As our heroes get off down the stairway formed by Carpet) Thank you. Goodbye, goodbye! Thank you! Goodbye! (Back to normal) Well, now. How about that, Mr. doubting mustafa?
Aladdin: Oh, you sure showed us. Now about my three wishes-
Genie: Dost mine ears deceive me? Three? You are down by ONE, boy!
Aladdin: Ah, no-- I never actually wished to get out of the cave. You did that on your own.
(Genie thinks for a second, then his jaw drops. He turns into a sheep)
Genie: Well, don't I feel just sheepish? All right, you baaaaad boy, but no more freebies.
Aladdin: Fair deal. So, three wishes. I want them to be good.
Daniel Tiger: Say Genie, what do you wanna wish for?
Genie: Me? No one's ever asked me that before. Well, in my case, ah, forget it.
Aladdin: What?
Genie: No, I can't. I...
Aladdin: Come in. Tell us.
Genie: Freedom.
AJ: You're a prisoner of the lamp?
Genie: It's all part and parcel of the whole genie gig. (Grows gigantic, voice echoes) PHENOMENAL COMSIC POWERS!!... (Shrinks down, cramped in the magic lamp.) Itty bitty living space.
Daniel Tiger: Aw, Genie, that's terrible.
Pikachu:Pika[that sad.]
Genie: (Comes out of the lamp) But, oh, to be free. Not have to go, "Poof. What do you need? Poof. What do you need? Poof. What do you need?" To be my own master. Such a thing would be grater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world! But what am I talking about? Let's get real here. It's not gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus.
Aladdin: Why not?
Genie: The only way I get outta this is if my master wishes me out. So you can guess how often that's happened.
Aladdin: I'll do it. I'll set you free.
Genie: Uh-huh, yeah, right. (Head turns into Pinocchio's with a long nose) Whoop!
Aladdin: (He pushes the nose back in and Genie's head returns to normal.) No, really, I promise. After I make my first two wishes, I'll use my third wish to set you free. (He holds out his hand)
Genie: Well, here's hopin'. (Shakes Aladdin's hand.) All right. Let's make some magic! (Turns into a magician.) So how 'bout it? What is it you want most?
Aladdin: Well, there's this girl.
Genie: Eehhh! (Like a buzzer, and Genie's chest shows a heart with a cross through it.) Wrong. I can't make anybody fall in love, remember?
Aladdin: Oh, but, Genie, she's smart and fun and...
Genie: Pretty?
Aladdin: Beautiful. She's got these eyes that just, and this hair. Wow. And her smile... [sighs]
Genie: (Sitting in a Parisian cafe with Abu and Carpet.) Ami... C'est l'amour.
Aladdin: But she's the princess. To even have a chance, I'd have to be... Hey, can you make me a prince?
Genie: Let's see here. (Has a "Royal Cookbook".) Chicken à la king? (Pulls out a chicken with a crown on its head) Nope. Alaskan king crab. (Yanks out his finger, and we see Sebastian the crab from "The Little Mermaid" clamped on.) Ow. I hate it when they do that. Caesar's salad? Ah! (A dagger comes out and tries to stab him.) Et tu, Brute? No. Aha. "To make a prince." (Looks slyly at Aladdin.) Is that an official wish? Say the words.
Aladdin: Genie, I wish for you to make me a prince.
Genie: All right! Yo, yo! Woof! Woof! First, that fez-and-vest combo is much too third century. These patches. What are we trying to say, beggar? No. Let's work with me here. Ooh. I like it. Muy macho. Now, it still needs something. What does it say to me? It says mode of transportation. Excuse me, monkey boy. Aqui. Over here.
(Abu tries to cover himself with Carpet, but Gennie zaps him and he flies over.)
Abu: Uh-oh.
Genie: Here he comes. (Aladdin and Genie are on a game show set, where Aladdin stands behind a podium with "AL" on it.) What better way to make your entrance on the streets of Agrabah then riding your very own brand-new camel. Watch out. They spit. (A door bearing the Genie's head on it opens, where Abu is transformed into a camel. He spits out the side of his mouth on cue. But the Genie's not sure.)
Genie: Mmm, not enough. (He snaps his fingers and Abu turns into a fancy white horse.) Still not enough. Let's see. What do you need? (The Genie snaps his fingers repeatedly, turning Abu into: a duck, an ostrich, a turtle, and a '57 Cadillac, with license plate "Abu 1." (That one's a guess, I don't know cars, but judging by the tail fins, 'nuff said.) Finally, he's returned to normal.) Yes!! Esalalumbo, shimin dumbo! Whoa!! (And on the keyword of the spell, Dumbo, Abu turns into an elephant. Carpet struggles to get out from under ABU's size 46 feet.) Talk about your trunk space, check this action out!
Daniel Tiger: Look at yourself Abu.
(Abu sees his reflection in a pool of water, then jumps into a tree. The tree naturally bends right back down to the ground, where ABU hangs on and looks at Aladdin upside down.)
Aladdin: Abu, you look good.
Genie: He's got the outfit, he's got the elephant. But we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban, kid! We're gonna make you a star!