Seven's confessions from tonight have been besieging my brain ever since they left his perfect mouth.
Although he's given me answers, my head has managed to wrack up a list of questions about it all. Does Mesha know about the gang? If Seven is in line to become Don of his family's gang but hasn't killed anyone, what has he done?
The thoughts are causing me a headache and trying to deal with them on top of what was an already emotionally draining day for me has left me completely exhausted. I definitely won't be going out to party tonight.
"Why did you drink tonight?" Seven asks me as he locks his office door. I'm lent against the cold concrete bricks of the hallway and stop counting my pay to answer him.
"Well Mesha was going to take me out clubbing to cheer me up so I was trying to get myself into the mood for it but I don't really feel like going out anymore." I shrug.
"Cheer you up?" Seven turns to look at me.
"Uh yeah." I lean off the wall hoping he doesn't ask too much into it.
"Why?" He questions and I sigh. I don't really like divulging into my sad childhood with dead parents. And I'm not sure if that's something someone like Seven would even care to know.
"Um well today just holds shit memories for me." I reply vaguely and start walking down the hallway towards the back exit.
Seven falls into step next to me. His eyes to the ground as he walks.
"What kind of shit memories?" Seven pushes.
"I don't really want to talk about it to be honest. I usually just spend the day trying to ignore it if I'm honest." I tell him and dig out my phone to text Mesha.
"I understand." Seven nods, dropping the subject. Thank god.
"How're you getting home? I don't think you should drive." He says referring to the alcohol in my system.
"Mesha was going to pick me up. I just have to text her." I explain as we get to the doors.
"I..." Seven begins but stops himself, second guessing his words.
"You what?" I look over at him, stood by the door with his hands in his pockets. A thoughtful frown set on his face as he looks at me.
"I can give you a ride." He offers and I raise my brows at him in surprised.
"Is that..." I look down the hall to check if we're alone. We are.
"Is that even allowed?" I question. Seven isn't allowed to even touch us women who work here, although it hasn't gone unnoticed by me that his hands have found their way to me a few times already now. But leaving the venue with him can insinuate a lot of things if someone were to see us.
"It's erm," Seven also glances down the hall to check if anyone's around before continuing.
"It's probably not, no." Seven confirms.
"But I don't see how they'd find out." Seven shrugs.
I think about this for a second. Why would Seven risk getting caught breaking the rules of his own gang just to drive me home? Even though he knows I already have a ride? His green eyes are set on my face as he waits for me to decide.
If I go with him I'll be completely alone with him. In his car. I think back to every time we have been alone together and the confusing tension that always bubbles between us. A tension that is usually sliced with the interference of an outside denominator. But in his car we'd be completely alone, with no one to interrupt us. The thought sets my heart racing in my chest.
"Okay." I agree and this time it's Seven who looks surprised.
"Okay?" He asks, needing further confirmation that I'm agreeing to this.
"I'll let you drive me home." I nod.
Seven makes sure the back entrance to the club is empty so no one can see us before I walk with him to his black SUV. I've never been in a Land Rover Discovery before and I think this must be the nicest car I've sat in. This car could literally eat mine for breakfast, it's huge and very expensive looking.
The dashboard has a large screen with all the different settings and applications on it. It's well groomed and smells of Seven's cologne.
Slipping into the front leather passenger seat I buckle myself in and sit quietly, slightly apprehensive of what this ride home may entail. Seven starts the car and I take my phone out to quickly message Mesha and let her know I'm bailing on clubbing tonight and that I've sorted a ride home with one of the other female workers. I know I probably shouldn't lie to her but she was freaked out when I last discussed Seven with her and she warned me to stay away from him so getting a ride home with him would probably send her into fits.
Music plays through the sound system. I recognise the song even though it's playing half way through, avowing that Seven had been listening to it when he was last in the car. It's definitely not the type of music I would have guessed someone like Seven would be listening to while driving his car.
He glances over at me awkwardly as I tap my fingers against my knees in rhythm to the song and he reaches to the screen on the dashboard to turn the music volume way down and I frown.
"Sorry. You can put on your own music if you want." Seven suggests, his cheeks are slightly flushed and I get the feeling he's embarrassed by being caught listening to the song.
"I didn't peg you for a Del Water Gap kind of person." I comment and Seven looks over at me as he pulls out of the parking lot of the club.
"You know this band?" He asks me clearly surprised.
"Yes. I actually really like this song too." I admit and lean forward to turn the song back up before hitting the restart button and the track begins from the start again.
Seven glances over at me, his cheeks still blushed but he doesn't try turn the music down again. I give him my address and watch out the window as we drive silently through the dark city listening to the song play.
The lyrics in the song strike a new affliction in me as I listen to it with him. The man singing about not wanting his love to be touched by anyone the way he had touched her seems an interesting song choice for someone who's not allowed to touch people. I wonder how Seven copes with that, it must be lonely to have these rules restricting you from ever getting close with someone. I know the no touch rule must only be in place for the females he works with, as I know he must be having sex with someone at least, since he brought those condoms from me at the store that time. But I imagine his sexual partners are a one time thing with no strings attached. No feelings, no mutual interests. Just sex for the sake of getting the job done, just like his father.
I find it interesting that someone who has only ever known intimacy on such an impersonal level would be listening to a song about a guy who desperately wants to protect a special love.
Every time I feel like I might just understand Seven, I am proven wrong by another complexity of his mysterious personality. Maybe there is no getting to understand a person like Seven.
I notice him glancing over at me every so often while the song plays. As if he's wanting to see how I react to parts of the lyrics or maybe he's just trying to make sure I'm content sitting here with a comfortable silence between us. The song ends and another I don't recognise begins to play and Seven decides to turn the music down again, this time I don't turn it back up.
"Can I ask you something." Seven speaks and I look over at him.
"Depends what it is." I reply cautiously.
"Why did you want a job escorting?" He asks. He already asked me this when we had our meeting.
"I told you, for the money." I reply simply.
"Yeah but what do you need the money for?"
"Um well I need it to pay for my tuition at uni next semester. I lost my scholarship so I have to front the money myself." I explain.
"You're at uni?" He glances over to me again before focusing back on the road.
"I was. But I had to take a break for a bit." I look down at my manicured nails and begin to pick them out of habit when I find conversations a little difficult.
"Why was that?" He asks.
"My grandmother got pretty sick so I took time off to look after her. Which is why I lost the scholarship." I explain. Talking about my grandmother is still very difficult but I'm managing to do it without crying these days.
"Oh." Seven nods.
"Is she better now? Your grandmother?" Seven asks and I swallow the instant lump in my throat.
"Uh," My voice sounds a little hoarse so I attempt to clear it before continuing.
"Uh no. She actually passed away last month." I tell him and stare directly ahead at the quiet dark roads willing myself not to cry about it. I'd never want to cry in front of Seven.
"Shit. I'm sorry." Seven apologises quickly, clearly regretting asking his last question.
"It's okay. It's getting a bit easier to accept that she's gone but I still miss her a lot. She raised me since I was six." I can't believe I'm telling Seven about my grandmother.
"Where are your parents?" Seven asks the inevitable question. Shit, well I guess tonight's the night for the revelations.
"You don't have to answer that, sorry." Seven says quickly when he notices my hesitation and sad frown when I look over at him.
"No, it's okay. Uh...well my parents were killed when I was six. I don't really remember much about them so it's not that upsetting or anything." I try ease any discomfort I may have caused by confessing that I didn't really know my parents or remember them. I've found it's an easier way to help people not look at me with their eyes full of pitty or feel bad for questioning me about my parents.
"Fuck." Seven comments quietly. I get the feeling he's not use to how to respond to people telling him deep personal things like this as it probably doesn't happen often. He doesn't really present himself as the type you want to trauma dump on for any kind of support.
"I'm sorry for bringing this shit up." Seven sends me an apologetic glance.
"It's fine. I couldn't really avoid it today anyway. It's actually the anniversary of their death." I shrug trying to seem nonchalant for his sake.
"Is that why Mesha was trying to cheer you up?" He puts two and two together.
"Yeah. She doesn't know about my parents but just knew something was up with me." I stare back out the window.
"Did you still want to do something? To cheer yourself up?" Seven asks and I shake my head. Is he really offering to do something with me?
"Not really. I'm actually pretty exhausted after our chat tonight." I admit and he nods quietly in understanding. Seven focuses back on driving us through the city.
"Do you ever miss your family?" I ask Seven. I watch his jaw flex as he clenches it in reaction to my question and I worry I've gone too personal for him.
"You don't have to answer, sorry." I quickly say. He's quiet for a minute and I feel the awkward tension of the silence begin to suffocate the car.
"I miss my dad." Seven finally answers, popping the growing bubble of smothering silence.
"I never met my mum or my sisters so I don't miss them I guess. I think about them a lot though." He confesses and it's more than I thought I'd get out of him.
"I don't remember my parents. But I miss the feeling of having a family." I contribute and Seven nods understanding that same feeling of loss.
"Do you have any other family?" Seven asks me.
"No. It's just me now." I say bleakly.
"I kind of feel like I'm on my own now too." Seven confesses quietly. So quietly I'm not even sure he had planned to say it out loud.
"You have your uncle." I try remind him of a positive but Seven frowns.
"My uncle isn't exactly someone that's easy to be close to, family or not." Seven says still frowning.
"Why's that?"
"He's not the nicest guy. But I suppose it's his job to make sure he doesn't get close with people, just like it's meant to be mine." He reminds me.
I don't know, after tonight I feel a lot closer to Seven then I did yesterday. I don't even think Seven realises the conversations we're having in this car are bringing us closer together.
"Why is he so adamant on not letting people get close to you both?" I question and Seven sighs, his bruised knuckles strain as he adjusts his grip on the steering wheel tighter.
"Our line of work is very dangerous. It's hard to trust people when you're at a certain level of power. You never know who has your best interests or who is simply waiting to make a move against you." Seven explains. I can't imagine what that would be like. To go through life not feeling like you're able to trust the people around you. Always second guessing their motives.
"My father was murdered by his best friend. He was his second in command and they'd been best friends for over twenty years. They were like brothers. But he still betrayed my father and because of him he was killed." Seven's tone changes as he tell the story of his fathers death. He sounds angry but mostly hurt by the actions of someone who his father had trusted so fiercely.
No wonder why Seven and his uncle don't trust people and refuse to let themselves be close to anyone. Seven's fathers death was a lesson for them, and a reminder that only family was to be trusted.
"I'm sorry." I offer Seven noticing how clearly the betrayal effects him still to this day. He was left alone at ten because of this betrayal, I can understand why it bothers him so much. I'd find it hard to trust people too if that was my only reference to what happens when you trust someone.
"If it's worth anything, you can trust me." I offer him. I don't know why I'm saying this, I don't even know what he'd trust me with or why. But I feel sad that he feels alone because he's scared to be betrayed.
Seven looks over at me as he slows the car down. I hadn't even realised we were on my street let alone near my flat. I can't read the look swimming in his eyes as he looks at me. But his pupils are large again, making his eyes look a lot darker than usual. Seven's mouth opens and he runs his tongue over his bottom lip, before tucking it into his mouth to dig his teeth into as he looks at me, deep in thought.
I should probably be getting out now that we're outside my house but his eyes have me stuck in the leather seat. I feel that usual electric energy that I've become so addicted to experiencing, begin to flow through the space of his enclosed car. I wonder if he feels it too. The change in energy feels so drastic to me I'd find it hard to believe if he didn't feel it too.
My palms begin to sweat as we sit in silence staring at each other. He hasn't commented on my offer of trust, but I know my words are behind his impassioned eyes, thriving in his head.
"Do you live alone?" Seven catches me off guard by asking.
"Why?" I don't know if I should divulge to him that I live alone.
"Not sure if your boyfriend is waiting up for you or not." Seven says and I roll my eyes at him.
"I already told you I don't have a boyfriend." I remind him.
"Might of changed since last time I asked." Seven shrugs and I shake my head at him as if the notion is completely ridiculous. Which it is.
I get the feeling he just wanted to ask me if I was seeing anyone or had a boyfriend but didn't want to ask me outright. The realisation causes my stomach to flutter.
Seven looks out to my front door before looking back at me.
"I'd walk you in but I'm not sure that's a good idea." He says quietly and my stomach flutters itself into a knot. Is he insinuating what I think he is by that comment? Surely not. But maybe...
"Thanks for the ride." I gather my things and unclip the seatbelt. I don't want to leave the safe space of this car, I don't want to leave Seven yet. Not when we seem to actually be getting along.
"No problem." Seven nods and the car goes silent between us again. We're still staring at each other, neither of us wanting whatever this is to end but not knowing what to do next either.
Seven's hands drop from the steering wheel and he looks over at me with an unreadable expression. I watch reticently as one of his hands very slowly lifts to reach out in my direction. His movements are so measured, and he looks extremely hesitant as he lifts his ringed hand up to my face. My heart is beating out of my chest as he does, completely in shock that this is happening right now.
Seven is consciously reaching out to touch me, even though he knows he's not meant to. He's about to break a second rule with me tonight and I don't know what this means for me. My lips part to help suck in air as my heart literally pounds against my rib cage as Seven and I both watch his hand move to cup against my inflamed cheek.
My eyes flutter closed at his gentle touch. The contact shoots acute electricity through my veins, setting every fibre of my being on sensory overload just from one touch. His warm palm presses softly over my cheek, I can feel the cool metal from his rings bring a slight relief to my contrastingly hot skin. Long fingers rest over my jaw and press delicately to the skin behind my ear. My breath is heavy from his touch, and hitches in my throat as I feel the pad of his thumb begin to brush tenderly against my burning cheek. I can't help but lean my face further into his palm, desperate for the feeling of his forbidden touch.
Far too soon I feel Seven's contact retreat and I snap my eyes open to him drawing back his hand as if he's Adam reaching for the Apple. His brows are furrowed as he looks down disapprovingly at his hand that now rests on his lap. He's looking at it as if it decided the motion without his consent or control and I immediately begin to worry. Had he not meant to touch me?
"You should go." Seven says, eyes still fixated on his lap. I swallow the uncertainty building in the back of my throat and nod. Opening the door and the cold night air washes over me, stinging my scorching skin.
I turn to look at him before getting out.
"Thanks again for the ride." I say and I can't help the somber feeling beginning to restrict my chest when he still refuses to look at me.
"Good night Lilianna." Seven says simply, finally lifting his head only to stare directly ahead out the windshield, completely dismissing me. I shut the door and his car speeds off merely seconds later. I watch as the large black SUV rounds the corner, leaving me completely discombobulated by what just happened.
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