here's another update... happy Sunday!
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"What the hell was that?" Taylor asked, turning to glance through the window but the hallway was completely dark.
"Dude, you have a boyfriend," Kaia said, still trying to comprehend what the bloody hell had just happened. "Dude, you have a boyfriend who's sleeping in there in your bed."
Taylor turned back around and grimaced. "We're just casually dating. Technically, he never officially asked me out."
Kaia frowned because she hated how much she had enjoyed that kiss and how much she wanted to do it again. She had no right.
"Taylor—"
"I promise I'm not cheating," she said with a light shrug, her mind still focused on the crashing sound that had come from inside a moment ago.
Then why does this feel like it?
"I— is Tom aware of the fact that you're not exclusive?" Kaia asked, feeling more and more panicked. She got up and started pacing around the small pace.
"We never said that we were exclusive, so probably," Taylor responded somehow very calm about this. How could she be so calm about all of this? She had just kissed her. She had just kissed her.
"You're— bi?" Kaia asked in a whisper. Taylor stopped for a moment and turned to look at Kaia with a small frown.
"Honestly, I've never thought about the labels much. I'm just attracted to whoever I'm attracted to," she explained, turning around to open the window again and climb back inside.
"Taylor!" Kaia hissed, grabbing her by the sleeve of her sweater. "We need to talk about this!"
Taylor turned back around and walked over to Kaia with a light smile on her face. "We will. But I really want to know what the fuck they broke in there. It better not have been the fucking piano."
Taylor ducked back inside as though that hadn't just happened.
Kaia was stunned, but she also wanted to know how wrong that prank had just gone so she followed Taylor inside, walking down the dark hallway. Taylor switched the light on at the end and followed the screaming voices of her friends. They were led to Este's room where she was screaming murder at Cara who was rolling on the carpet, holding her side as she cried with laughter.
"You should have seen your faces," Cara cried out, wiping the tears off her face as she laughed harder.
There were a bunch of other people around, and Kaia wasn't surprised Mica wasn't with them. He could sleep through anything that one.
"What the fuck did you guys break?" Taylor exclaimed, looking around the messy room, clothes, pillows, cans of beer and bags of snacks strewn all about.
"Nothing," Karlie laughed, folding her arms over her chest. "Este crashed into the dresser and it tipped over," she explained, pointing at the large cupboard that was now on the floor. Kaia met the model's eyes across the room, noting how she stilled for a moment, observing her carefully as she poked her head from behind Taylor. It made Kaia frown even deeper and immediately break eye contact. She didn't know why she suddenly felt uncomfortable.
"Holy— y'all are cleaning this shit up," Taylor waved her finger at everyone before disappearing back into the hallway.
Taylor looked at Kaia with a small eyebrow raised but she just pointed backwards toward her room. "I think I should head back to sleep. Long day tomorrow."
No, it wasn't. They were only flying back to New York and it was an hour-long flight.
Taylor didn't even bother hiding the disappointment in her expression. Kaia held out her hands apologetically with her palms open.
"You should too," she said softly before turning and heading back to Mica, closing the door behind her. She walked back slowly toward the mattress and flopped down next to Mica's snoring body.
"Fucking hell, mate," she sighed, worming her way under the blankets and turning on her side to stare out the window. She saw the polaroid picture again and took a glance at Taylor's happy expression.
She was screwed.
The next week, when Taylor called her, Kaia happened to have been asleep. Early in the morning back in Australia, it was well into the middle of the night for Kaia and she had genuinely not heard the phone ring. But the next day, when it did ring at a reasonable hour, Kaia watched the singer's contact name appear on her screen, and a minute later, disappear, with only a missed call notification left behind.
It was followed by a message.
Taylor Swift: hey, are you busy right now? I can't sleep /:
Kaia wasn't too busy. She was still in New York, spending as much time as possible with her parents before she had to go back to London to continue filming the second part of her show.
She was sitting in the garden back then, helping her mother with the herbs she was planting, oregano, basil, thyme, and such.
She could've easily answered. But Kaia was honestly running away. She didn't know what to say to Taylor because the only thing that had been running through her head for a whole week was that damned kiss and she couldn't tell anybody about it. She couldn't get herself to mention it out loud.
"Kaia?"
Lost in her thoughts, Kaia jumped in surprise when she heard her mother's voice.
"Oui?"
She turned around to glance at Nour who was sitting on her knees, digging in a small pot. She had a patterned scarf wrapped around her head and a soft and matching long cardigan covering her frail body to keep her warm.
"Tout va bien?" Kaia asked, getting up to walk over to her mum, in case she needed her help. [Everything all right?]
Nour chuckled in response, still carefully watching her plants. "Mhm, J'allais te demander la même chose," she hummed, smiling softly up at Kaia, her eyes pale in the sunlight. [I was going to ask you the same thing.]
"I'm okay," Kaia responded quietly, going back to her own flower pot.
"Tu n'as pas répondu au téléphone," Nour pointed out how Kaia had purposely ignored that last phone call.
"Rien d'important," Kaia shrugged, looking down at the dirt with narrowed eyes. [Nothing important.]
"No?" Her mother asked, obviously not believing her daughter. "It wasn't your friend Taylor?"
Kaia brushed the back of her hand against her forehead, shaking her head. "Yeah, I'll call her back later. I'm spending time with you right now, aren't I?"
Her mother was quiet for a moment, working on her plant until it was done. She struggled to stand up, holding on to a patio chair to pull herself up and then, as she was wiping her hands clean, she glanced at Kaia, her head tilted slightly.
"Kookie," Nour said softly, using the nickname she only ever used when she knew her daughter was at her most vulnerable. Ever since she was a toddler, it always made her feel warm. Only when her mother used it. She hated it if anyone else did, with the exception of her dad. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Kaia smiled at her mother, feeling a shaky breath escape through her nose. She nodded. "I know, mama. Thank you."
" Ya 'omri, enti," her mother said in Arabic, kissing the top of Kaia's head. She held out her hand and when Kaia placed her own in it, Nour squeezed it three times. The brunette smiled, watching as her mother headed back inside. Her mum had always done that, ever since she had been a little girl. She would squeeze her hand before bed, before dropping her off at school or piano recitals or football games, and she would whisper I am here, I care, and I love you. Sometimes, she would do it again and whisper I love you in three different languages. Eventually, she stopped needing to whisper anything. But Kaia always felt her mother's support any time she did it anyway, silently or otherwise. [a term of endearment in Arabic that roughly translates to "you are my life"]
"Love you," Kaia called out as her mother walked through the sliding doors and into the kitchen.
"Love you too, darling," her mum responded from inside.
Kaia texted Taylor that night as she lay in her bed back in her flat. She tossed and turned in bed, driving Katara mad. The cat eventually jumped off the bed and went to her own small one in the corner of the room.
With a sigh, she grabbed her phone and opened her text messages with Taylor.
Taylor Swift: hey, are you busy right now? I can't sleep /:
Kaia Browne: hey! sorry, i spent the day with my parents, couldnt use my phone. Whats up?? How's the land down under?
Surprisingly, Taylor responded immediately. Kaia had hoped she would be able to set her phone aside and fall asleep. The time zone difference was insane, but Taylor's jet lag and insomnia were probably worse.
Taylor Swift: it's pretty great! You'd love it here. The weather's pretty nice too, right now! How's your mother doing?
Kaia Browne: much better, I think but then again she's also really great at hiding things from me but she does look better this week. She's been eating actual meals!
Taylor Swift: That's really great to hear!!! She's a fighter for sure. I actually miss her /:
Kaia Browne: come visit !!!!
Okay, Kaia, now why would you go ahead and say that? God...
Taylor Swift: I'm definitely going to when I'm back in New York! I need to try that cheesy godly dessert thingy again
Kaia Browne: She'll be more than happy to make you an entire batch :)
Taylor Swift: Omg yes pleeeaaaaaase!!!!!
Taylor Swift: Can I call you again tonight? We haven't really talked in a while ):
Taylor Swift: okay, a week but i kinda miss u?
Taylor Swift: did you go to sleep? ahhhh sorry!!! i forgot it's late in new york. I hope you sleep well, babe. Don't let the bed bugs bite, or I'll fight them ):< 💗💗💗
Kaia bit down on her bottom lip. She hadn't fallen asleep yet. In fact, she couldn't sleep until the sun had already risen.
When she was pretty sure it was late enough that Taylor would definitely be asleep, she finally texted back, apologising for having 'accidentally passed out in the middle of their conversation."
Taylor responded hours later saying it was totally fine and they could call each other again some other time.
It was pretty quiet for another few days until Taylor texted her sometime in the middle of the night, Australia time. Kaia knew that because she had specifically saved the Sydney clock in her phone.
Taylor Swift: Are you ignoring me? I'm really sorry if it's because of that night at the party... if it made you uncomfortable in any way, that really wasn't my intention! I just really do miss you. It hasn't been too long but you really are one of my best friends, and about the only person who's ever real with me. I don't wanna do anything to jeopardise our friendship.
Kaia felt horrible because she was not uncomfortable, in fact, she did think of Taylor as one of her closest friends. But as more time had passed, she felt that simply being friends wasn't going to cut it, and it was because of that damned kiss. Friends don't kiss and enjoy it so much. She wanted to do it again so bad that the only thing she could do was ignore Taylor, hoping things would just fizzle out. But Taylor was insistent, bless her heart, and Kaia always had a picture of her shoved in her face whenever she opened any app at all, and it only reminded her how gorgeous the blonde truly was. Every single time.
She felt truly guilty for putting Taylor in that position.
Kaia Browne: No!!! of course not omg i would never!! It's just been a hectic couple of weeks. i miss u too!!! and look, about that night, it's all in the past! rly don't worry about it !! it's all good :))
Well, shit Kaia, why don't you add yet another exclamation point? Maybe your point wasn't clear enough without them?
Taylor Swift: oh! okay, yeah! great then, I'm glad. I'm gonna be heading home next week so hopefully i'll see u if you're in town!
Kaia Browne: sure, i'd love that :)
Kaia buried her face in her pillow after sending that message, throwing her phone as far away as possible on her bed to avoid it at all costs.
She did yet again, ignore Taylor's message the next day, claiming, once again, that she had been sleeping. But two days later, at about three in the morning in New York, Kaia received another text.
She wasn't asleep, having been up overthinking about basically every single aspect of her life while an old episode of Modern Family played in the background. She wasn't too focused on it.
Taylor Swift: look, i know you probably dont wanna talk to me, and especially this late, but i really need you right now. Please. Shit's hit the fan and i dont know who to talk to right now.
Taylor Swift: actually, i dont wanna talk to anyone else but i rly need you
Kaia sat up in bed, frowning deeply as she paused Netflix on her computer. She rubbed her eyes as she read over the messages three times. With her heart hammering in concern and worry, she tapped on the call button and held her phone up to her ear. It rang once before Taylor picked up.
The singer didn't say anything for a while when Kaia heard a small, choked sob.
Her frown deepening, Kaia leaned her head against the headboard. "Hey, hey, what happened? What can I do?"
Taylor inhaled shakily, her breath coming out ragged. "I just— everything's just fucking... I can't—"
"Taylor, what happened?" Kaia asked as the blonde choked over her words.
"Check— check Twitter," Taylor managed, her crying becoming heavier. There was a bit of an echo behind her, and Kaia realised she must have been sitting in a bathroom somewhere.
Placing the call on speaker, she scrolled through her phone until she found the bird app. She refreshed the page, having been offline for the whole day when suddenly her entire feed was filled with the same two things:
A series of snake emojis, and two hashtags: #KimExposedTaylorParty and #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty
"Oh, putain," Kaia whispered, her hand covering her mouth as she read over the many tweets bashing the singer. Everyone was calling her a liar. A snake. And some even worse names that made Kaia leave the app and close her eyes.
That was fucked up.
"My career's fucking over," Taylor cried into the phone. "Kaia, I don't— I don't even know why. I don't know what I did. I don't know why he's doing this a-and now everyone hates me because I stood up against misogyny? 'Cause they lied to my face? I— I don't understand, Kaia. I don't know what to do— I— I can't tru... I don't know who to trust."
Her voice was wavering as she cried and let out her emotions, going from yelling to whispering with a quivering voice. Kaia had seen Taylor distressed and disheartened before, but she had never seen her so beaten down before and it broke her heart. She tried her best to remain calm for her friend, but she was boiling on the inside, wanting nothing more than to protect her and fight off every single person talking shit about her at the same time.
"I don't know why this happened either," Kaia told her softly, willing her voice to remain collected, trying to help Taylor calm down. "And I don't know what's going to happen next but I do know that you can trust me, no matter what."
"So many— everyone's just believing everything they're saying and they're telling lies and— Kaia, my chest hurts, oh my god," Taylor wheezed into the phone, her breathing becoming more and more laboured and ragged. She tried to take in a deep breath between her sobs but it only made it worse. "I can't— fuck, Kaia, I can't—"
She couldn't breathe. Shit.
"Tay, I think you're having a panic attack right now," Kaia spoke softly, feeling her throat tighten and tears prickle at her eyes. She wanted to be there for Taylor more than anything and it hurt to hear her go through all this, all the way from across the globe. But she needed to remain strong for her to help her at least calm down for now.
"I think you're right," Taylor managed to breathe out, her voice sounding a little muffled. Kaia could imagine her sitting down on the bathroom floor with her head buried in her lap as she tried to make the pain stop while her anxiety spiked and her breath found it harder and harder to reach her lungs.
Kaia had been there one too many times in the past.
"Tay, can you hear me?" Kaia asked gently, and Taylor only hummed in response, so she proceeded. "I'm going to need you to focus with me, okay, darling? Can you do that?"
"Y-yeah," Taylor responded, before swallowing harshly, her breathing still incredibly shallow. "I'm scared."
Kaia closed her eyes, holding the collar of her t-shirt tightly.
"That's okay. I'm here. You're going to be okay, Taylor. I promise. You're okay," she tried to reassure the singer. "I'm going to need you to focus on your breathing with me for a second. Can you do that for me?"
Taylor hummed in agreement but as Kaia demonstrated the breathing technique, Taylor's only came back just as shallow from the other end of the line, with the occasional wheeze in between.
"Taylor, follow my breathing," Kaia instructed patiently in a gentle voice. "Deep breath in, and hold, two, three, four..."
"I can't, I can't—" Taylor interrupted, her crying getting louder.
With a little sigh, Kaia ran her hand through her short curls, wishing she had something to pull at.
"Tay, please," Kaia spoke quietly. "I'm here. You're okay. I need you to focus with me, please."
"I'm trying!"
"I know, darling. You're doing great. Can you tell me five things you can see around you?"
Taylor hesitated for a moment, and then, she croaked out a soft, "what?"
"Humour me, for a moment. Please. Five things you can see around you."
Taylor swallowed back hard before speaking again, her voice shaking with every word. "F-fancy hotel soap."
So, she is in the bathroom. "Great! What else?"
"My toothbrush," Taylor continued.
"Okay! What's number three?" Kaia encouraged her.
"There's a bidet," Taylor announced, making Kaia laugh softly.
"Amazing, remind me to visit that hotel," she joked, making Taylor chuckle even as she still struggled to breathe. "What else, love?"
"The mirror," Taylor mumbled and Kaia nodded. "A-and toilet paper."
"That was great!" Kaia cheered her on. "Now, can you tell me four things you can touch or feel around you?"
"How is that relevant right now?" Taylor exclaimed, the panic still in her voice.
"I promise, it is," Kaia responded calmly. "Four things you can feel?"
"The— my fuzzy socks," Taylor mumbled, and Kaia could imagine her wiggling her toes in the fuzzy, slippery socks. "The bath matt. It's really soft."
"Mhm, keep going. Two more."
"The glitter on my phone case," Taylor said and Kaia chuckled, nodding her head to herself. "The bathtub. It's still wet."
"Are you in the bathtub right now?" Kaia asked with her eyebrows raised. Was she in her fuzzy socks in the tub? She didn't mean to get side-tracked but, Taylor was going all-in with this mental breakdown.
"Yeah," Taylor admitted before laughing. "Wh-what's next?"
"Three things you can hear," Kaia told her.
"The bathroom ventilator," Taylor mumbled. "The TV in the room— and... you. Your voice."
"Good. You're doing so good, Tay. I'm proud of you," Kaia told her softy. "Two things you can smell?"
"The soap. It smells like lemons. And... I have perfume on. The lavender one," Taylor answered, sniffling softly. Kaia had noticed how her voice was steadying and her breaths coming in at deeper intervals. She was starting to relax.
"I love that perfume on you," Kaia admitted with a little smile. "One flavour you can taste?"
Taylor let out a croaky noise from the back of her throat. "My mouth tastes like metal."
Kaia chuckled, ruffling her hair and finally laying back down on her back. "That's anxiety for you."
Taylor chuckled before letting out a shaky breath. "I... how did you do that? It worked."
Kaia smiled softly, staring up at her ceiling fan. "I used to get panic attacks a lot up until a few years ago. I mean, sometimes I still do... occasionally."
"Oh... I'm sorry," Taylor murmured. Kaia heard a little bit of shuffling, hoping Taylor was finally getting out of that wet bathtub.
"Don't apologise," Kaia told her. "Drink some water, Tay, and maybe get something to eat if you can. Don't think about it too much. I know it's hard but..."
"I'll try," Taylor responded quietly. She cleared her throat for a moment and then sniffled again. "I think— that's probably Tom. I should get going."
"If it happens again, call me, okay? I'll leave my ringer on," Kaia told her which made Taylor chuckle dryly.
"You won't ignore my call?" She shot back, making Kaia grimace and cover her face with her hand.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, barely audible.
"It's okay," Taylor sighed. "Thank you for being there for me."
"Always," Kaia promised.
"Kaia?" Taylor said just before she was about to hang up.
"Yeah?"
"You really are one of the only few people I think I can trust," Taylor admitted. "And one of the few people I really consider to be my friend. Even if we only met a few months ago. Thank you for being so genuine."
"I think you're one of the few people in my life who I can really call a friend too," Kaia admitted softly, a small smile making its way onto her face. But damn it, if her heart wasn't currently flying out of her chest. "And Tay?"
"Yeah?"
"Fuck 'em all, yeah?" Kaia said. "Keep your head held high."
"Fuck 'em, yeah," Taylor chuckled softly. "Thanks, Kibbles. I'll talk to you soon, yeah? Get some sleep. It's pretty late in New York."
"M'yeah," Kaia murmured, turning to lay on her side. "I'm okay though. If you still need to talk."
"I need to get out of this bathroom," Taylor breathed out a laugh. "Freshen up a bit."
"Okay," Kaia said softly. "I'm here for you for anything, okay?"
"Yeah, I know. Thanks, Kaia."
Taylor hung up first, and Kaia watched her phone screen go dark before turning to lay on her back again. She flipped her phone gently over her chest, deep in thought. She could feel her own breathing starting to become shallower. Now that she was on her own, she didn't have to be so strong anymore, and she let her tears slowly roll down her cheeks.
She realised two things that night.
Number one. No amount of ignoring Taylor would ever make her stop thinking back to that night in Rhode Island and the way her lips felt and tasted on that rooftop.
Number two. She was definitely crushing pretty hard on Taylor, and she would definitely do anything for her.
Including throwing out her pair of Yeezys out her window into the dumpster below and filming it. She then proceeded to block anyone on her feed who happened to post a snake emoji, and more importantly, of course, the assholes involved in the whole thing.
She didn't have to do that, and she knew Taylor wouldn't have made her do it. She wasn't that kind of person. But Kaia didn't appreciate the kind of people they were, anyway.
She even posted the video on her Instagram stories, adding a small caption with the word 'Oops?' in the top right corner.
She was probably going to get a lot of backlash for it, but she didn't care. It gave her enough peace of mind to set her phone aside on her bedside table and pull the covers up to her chin as she got ready to go to sleep.
She tossed and turned for another few minutes though, so she opened up her drawer and pulled out the polaroid pictures from the fourth of July party. She went through the many pictures and stopped at the one of the blonde smiling brightly up at the fireworks. Kaia smiled to herself, brushing her thumb over Taylor's face. And with a heavy sigh, reminding herself for the millionth time that she was completely screwed, Kaia placed the picture under her pillow and closed her, falling asleep minutes later.