idontwannabeyouanymore
"Monte's getting an abortion!"
The lanky body laying stomach flat on my bed with an Xbox controller in hand, turns his head towards me with lips pressed flat in a line and raised brows, he nods, and then proceeds to turn back and shoot Nazi's on the tv.
"Did you hear me?" I start pacing back and forth across my room with my hands in my hair trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened less than an hour ago.
The only response I get is a hum.
"Harry! I'm serious this isn't right!" I proclaim trying to get him to talk it out with me because it feels like such a heavy weight on my chest.
"It's not your decision babe." He mumbles as his fingers aggressively hit the controller buttons.
"It's not solely Liam's either!" I feel two seconds away from screaming and I just wish he'd shut the stupid video game off.
"It is his baby." Harry dares to whisper.
With that statement I stand directly in front of the tv with crossed arms and a popped hip. Harry flicks his eyes up and down my body before reaching behind him to grab the tv remote, turning it off and then gesturing his hands to let me know I have his full attention.
I mouth a 'thank you' before kneeling down in front of the bed, now eye to eye with Harry I quickly give him a kiss realizing I didn't say hello when I walked in. His lips pucker back through the quick exchange but his face stays the same as always, stoic.
"Monte doesn't want an abortion. When Liam suggested it in Sister June's classroom she got physically sick and now we go to the OBGYN and the first thing she asks about is abortion procedures."
"Maybe she changed her mind?"
"She didn't. You know Monte, she's crazy religious and I know she's scared but she would never do something like this unless she was being pressured into it!" I exclaim trying to get my point across and I know Harry is listening but his face never fucking changes and it frustrates me because I don't know if he's taking this seriously.
Seeing my exasperation, Harry takes my hands that are folded over one another on the duvet and holds them in his own as he stays propped up on his elbows.
"I get your concern, but it's not your place Peach." I can't hold in my eye roll causing him to slightly frown. "Listen, Monte's a bitch that I don't fucking like at all, but she's your best friend and as her best friend it's your job to be supportive-"
"I would be supportive if I thought this was something she wanted. I think he's forcing her into it." I try to explain one more time before a blood vessel blows.
"And what are you going to do about it? Confront him? No you're fucking not!" His voice raising and his eyes turning deadly serious. "Do you not remember the shit he pulled when he got angry? You're not going near him, he's aggressive and easily irritated. And personally I don't feel like going to fucking jail because if that backpack he threw ended up fucking hitting you, I would've killed him with my barehands. So you're not going to do shit, you're going to support Monte but keep your fucking distance, do you understand?" He scolds with a clenched jaw and furrowed brows.
I quickly swallow my pride and loosen my grip in his hands trying to process everything he's said. As my hands start to slip he grips them harder and holds them more firm in his own, waiting for me to speak.
"She wants me to go with her when she gets it done." I whisper feeling sick about all that's happening.
Harry's face softens, he starts to pull me up with his hands as he flips around on the bed to be sitting on his bum, making sure not to twist a wrong way with his injuries. He guides me to sit on his lap as my legs rest on top of my bed with my arms around his waist and my head resting on his collarbone.
"I don't know if I can do it. Just the idea of taking a pill and a baby no longer living. It makes me feel uneasy to think about, guilty almost."
His lips press firmly against the side of my head, his arms wrapped around me as he pulls me tighter into him.
"Know how you're feeling so sick about this, can you imagine how Monte must be feeling? No matter who's idea it was it's going to be so hard for her to do this. It's her baby. She must be torn up and knowing Liam he's not going to be there for her so she asked you because she knows you love her. She needs a hand to hold as she does something she probably never thought she'd have to do. I know you don't like the idea of abortion, I don't think anyone does, but all you can do is be supportive and help her as best as you can. She's going to be hurting so much Peach and it would hurt her worse if she had to do this alone."
Everything he's saying is so right, he's the most loving, understanding man I've ever met. But sitting in his lap right now I can't help but feel dirty. With everything that happened over the passed few hours I forgot about all the shit going on in my own life. It was a hell of a distraction and now I'm wishing I was back in it because there's nothing more I want than to feel comfortable in my lovers arms.
Harry's my safe place, my home, but after Father John touched me I just feel sick about myself. I don't want Harry to think it's himself but I can't stay cuddled up with him any longer.
I try to move to get up by Harry tightens his grip around me, looking at me confused that I want to move and probably enjoying the closeness between us, but I just feel so dirty.
"You're right, thank you. I'll call Monte and tell her I'll go with her to the appointment."
I try to get up again, using my phone as an excuse but Harry doesn't let me budge. I'm starting to feel trapped and a little spastic, like the walls are closing in on me and I just need to get away.
Anxiety.
I'm getting an anxiety attack cuddled up with my best friend, my person, I feel trapped in my head and body.
"You still have to explain to me what happened earlier." His voice as soft as ever.
"N-nothing happened." I stutter, my breathing becoming more rapid and I'm fidgeting, I can't even look at him as I stare at my closet doors.
I hate that I'm feeling this way. I'm gonna cry. I feel it coming and I don't know how to stop it. My lip is feeling raw from how hard I'm bitting down. I have to find a way to calm myself so I bring my arms around my chest and hold, trying to feel my lungs working and letting me know that I am breathing.
"Shush, baby tell me what's going on?" Now Harry seems just as panicked as I am.
"Let go of me." I whisper, feeling in physical pain from disgust with myself.
"Please, baby. Tell me what's wrong." His voice cracks, hurting my heart and making me look into his eyes where I see tears starting to form. "Don't push me away."
"I'm a bad person." Pinching my eyes shut to hold in my tears but the sob that breaks out of my chest makes it seem pointless.
Tightening his grip around me, Harry cradles my head while pulling me into his chest.
"Don't say that, it's not true." His words muffled as he tucks his face into my neck.
Wrapping my arms around his shoulders I give into my craving for him. It's selfish to drag him into my shit but as panicked as I feel, I also feel warm. It's a bittersweet feeling. It's painful but comforting. It's different emotions that come together to make me feel broken yet whole.
Feeling his lips pucker just below my ear, I let go fully. My tears stain his shirt as my cries wreck my body. Finally letting myself feel what I've been trying to make numb.
"You think too highly of me." I confess, knowing it's true and he has a delusional picture in his mind. "I'm not who you think I am. You have this idea of what you want me to be and I think that's the person you want to be with, not me. I'm not good for you Harry. I'm not good for anyone."
"If it makes you feel better I thought you were a bitch for the longest time." He cracks a joke trying to make me feel better and I do let out a little laugh, although it's halfhearted because I truly believe everything I've said. "But you're wrong. I see you for you, and I like what I see. I meant it when I said you were my best friend. I'm not blind, I know who you are. And if anyone isn't good enough, it's me."
"You're perfect." I sniffle, trying to stop crying because I hate when people see me like this.
Dimple lightly runs his fingers across my back, nuzzling in further to my neck and exhaling in what seems to be contentment against my neck.
"Nobody's perfect. Life's not about being perfect, it's about overcoming. Going through struggles and growing from them. Becoming who you're meant to be isn't easy, isn't that what you've tried to tell me? So don't put yourself down when you're going through a hard time Peach."
"You remember that?" I ask not believing that he was fully listening to my rants over summer.
"I remember everything to do with you." He whispers, taking his face out of my neck and lifting my chin to look me in the eye.
We sit like this for a moment, soaking in the comfort we find in one another. I can feel the words I'd love to say to him on the tip of my tongue, but I know it would be a burden to tell him how I feel and then have him find out what I've done. It would make this so much harder when he does realize how dirty and tainted I've become.
"Baby, what happened?" He asks as his eyes flick between mine, like he's trying to read my mind. "What's making you feel this way?"
"Something bad." The words don't feel like my own as they come out under my breath.
"You say I'm your best friend, so let me be here for you. I want to sit with you when you feel low, I'm not just hanging around for the good times I want to be there for the bad as well."
My stomach feels tight as I close my eyes in grief. Why does he have to always be so perfect? I know he's an ass to everyone else but with me it's like he just knows what to say. He fits me better than anyone.
"I can't tell you what happened. I'm not ready." I can see the disappointment on his face as I give my final answer.
I know I'm going to have to tell him eventually, but I just can't bring myself to speak the words that have been tearing me apart.
"That's okay, I'll wait for when you are."
His own tear escapes his lash line as he looks at how broken I am. It's like seeing me hurting is putting him in pain.
"Can I take you somewhere Peach?" He asks after a moment, scanning his eyes across my face as he tucks a strain of my fading peach blonde hair behind my ear.
"I'd go anywhere with you." I answer knowing that's the most honest I've ever been.
Because I would go anywhere with him.
I'd do anything for him.
Just like I know he'd do anything for me.
Even kill the sick bastard that's been haunting my nightmares.
That's why I can't tell Harry what happened.
Not just for the selfish reasons I have to protect my image in his mind, but because looking into his eyes right now, I can tell he's longing for me to confide in him. So he can fix the problem, but the only way to solve this mess is for Father John to burn in Hell.
But I'm going to be the one to send him there.
^^^^^
...
I'll give you a second...
The past two chapters are really just like conversations but I feel like these conversations have to happen for the situation.
I think having deep conversations in general is good for the developing mind and growing up and stuff
Did you know that your brain isn't fully developed until you're like 26? It's crazy and that's why I feel like talking to people with different beliefs or having a conversation that includes sensitive topics is important
And I personally love having deep conversations and seeing how other people think, I think it's interesting to see other people's perspectives.
Now I know that's not everyone's cup of tea, so I completely understand that if after this chapter you don't want to keep reading.
Anyway... next chapter is more action lol
Hope you liked this chapter!!!
Pls vote and comment!!
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