TW: YELLING, SWEARING, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, INJURY
(Also didn't proof read if there are errors pls lmk and I'll fix them :) )
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~~~~ Phil's P.O.V ~~~~
I watched the world through my window as I sipped my steaming cup of tea. Technoblade had escaped a few days ago and the crows had relayed to me that he was in good health. I didn't doubt it, but it didn't make me feel any less guilty.
The constant weight of the fucking ankle monitor around my foot was a reminder of my mistakes. Why didn't I hide the compass better? None of this would have happened.
As I stand my stiff wings groan like rusted metal in protest. It was impossible to stretch them in the house. Technoblade was right, he'd always been right. The government here had done nothing but hurt the two of us and I'd had enough.
I set down my half-drunken cup of tea on the table and whistle for a crow. One flies down the stairs and lands on my shoulder letting out a caw as it lands. I grab a paper and a pen and scribble my message down, a plan formulating in my mind.
"Get it to Technoblade," I tell my feathered friend tying the note to his leg. Once it's secure he disappears the way he came from.
I take a look at my ankle monitor. It shines in the light reflecting the curse of binding it had been enchanted with. It wouldn't come off unless I died or I somehow managed to break the metal.
Thankfully, when I was building the house I had found a magma deposit deep in the earth. And I had a mine shaft heading straight to it.
I turn to the floorboards grabbing my axe as I cross the room. I begin to hack away; reflecting on what I'd written in the note.
I'm coming.
~~~~ Y/N's P.O.V ~~~~
I smile as the fresh breeze tickles my cheeks making them ruddy and warm in an attempt to keep out the cold weather. I pulled the blanket around me tighter and sunk back into the fold-out chair I was sitting in. The fire crackled by my feet and the water in the lake gently rapped at the bank rhythmically.
The lake we had settled by was ginormous and void of trees. There was a forest further down the road but here there was scarcely anything besides water and the mountain range on the other side of the lake. Earlier this morning, the light reflected so perfectly off the still water it looked like a mirror.
A mirror of the golden rising sun behind the dark emerald green mountain accompanied by the orchestra of birdsong and waking wildlife.
I don't hear the conversation Lorelei, Myles and Ranboo are having around me, my mind is plagued by other things.
I remember my heart loving Dream, but I wasn't sure if he loved me. I had remembered something from our time in the city in the early hours of the morning. It had forced me awake and unable to fall back asleep, I went outside to catch the first light of day instead.
The photo of Dream with that girl. I remember they were close together, he was wearing his mask but it was clear the girl was overjoyed to be with him. She was pretty. Pretty hair, glossy skin, she looked like a model.
All my memories that were returning are happy, so how did Schlatt have proof of this other girl?
"God damn it!" I startle at Lorelei's voice as she stamps out of the caravan in her pyjamas.
"What's wrong?" Myles asks immediately concerned.
"We don't have any cocoa! I wanted to bake cookies today," she pouts playfully.
"Where do you even get cocoa from?" Ranboo asks, his slowly growing horns catching the light as he turns his head.
"Rainforests, jungles, tropical places. It grows on trees," Lorelei explains waving her hands around and then plonking down irritatedly in Myle's lap. He smiles a little and takes her into his arms which she immediately melts into.
"In a rainforest like that?" I ask pointing across the lake to the heavily vegetated mountain range.
"Actually, yeah probably," Lorelei perks up, I see the cogs turning in her brain. Apparently, Myles does too.
"We shouldn't go, those clouds look heavy and Ranboo can't get caught in the rain," he reminds her.
"That's fine, I'll just go with Y/N, we'll have a girls day away from you fools," she teases. Ranboo feigns hurt making me laugh.
"Yeah sounds fun," I agree.
"Will it be safe?" Ranboo jumps in and Lorelei waves him off.
"No there are literally demons everywhere... Of course, we'll be safe, I wouldn't take us in there otherwise!" Lorelei quips.
I lean over and give Ranboo's hand a reassuring squeeze. After all, we'd been through I didn't blame him for being cautious. We share a smile and Lorelei jumps up making Myles frown.
"Come on Y/N get ready!" she disappears into the caravan and I follow her giggling all the while.
A/N: Oh look it's your outfit! @kristinastandley on Instagram!
We come out of the caravan and Lorelei walks over to Angus who we'd let graze on the grass. Angus never wandered off anywhere, Lorelei and Myles had raised him so he wouldn't want to leave them.
We approach the giant grey bull who perks up and walks over to us. Lorelei gives him a pat and a carrot and loops some reins over his head. She taps his knee, and he kneels down on the grass. Lorelei drapes a blanket over his back and helps me climb on.
Once we're seated Lorelei clicks her tongue and we start our journey to the jungle.
~~~~ Tommy's P.O.V ~~~~
It had taken an hour of convincing, but now Dream and I walked through the blistering heat of the nether. I really couldn't catch a break, it was the freezing tent or the boiling nether. As soon as Dream looks away I'm making a dash for the portal. He can't stop me, I'm going home.
"Enjoying the heat Dream?" I try to make small talk to lower his guard.
"Sure," he says nonchalantly.
"Your axe looks very sharp today," I try again.
"Thank you," is all I get.
Fuck, this was going to be hard.
We walk further along the Blackstone bridge towards the community area. I hear the lava bubble and slurp beneath us. It was now or never.
"HEY DREAM WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT OVER THERE?!" I yell and point. Dream turns around and I start my sprint.
I feel my heartbeat quicken with the adrenaline and elation lights up in my chest. I'm going home.
My feet pound on the bridge as I run to the portal faster than I'd ever run before. I'm so focused on it I don't even hear Dream behind me.
5 metres, 4 metres, 3, 2, 1...
I leap through the portal expecting to fly through. Instead, it feels like hitting a brick wall. I feel my back slam on the ground and I bite my lip. The iron flavour of blood fills my mouth.
I deliriously look around. I still feel hot, I'm sweating bullets. Everything is fuzzy from the impact with the portal. I better not have a fucking concussion.
The world is upside down, but I made out Dream's wobbly figure walking towards me. I push myself off the ground, but I still feel Blackstone beneath my hands. I still smell the horrible stink of lava and death.
"What..." I mutter unable to form a sentence. I prop myself up on my elbows and Dream crouches down beside me.
"I expected something like this would happen," he tuts.
"What?"
My vision starts to return. I'm still in the nether.
"WHAT?! HOW?!"
I scramble over to the portal on my hands and knees at press my palm against it. The portal ripples, but my hand doesn't go through.
"How did you-"
"It's impossible, a witch enchanted this one. You're never going through unless I say so," Dream's stern voice echoes in my ringing ears.
I'm trapped?
"No no no.... no no no no no no no," I press harder on the portal, I punch it with my fists.
I feel hot tears burn my cheeks as they evaporate almost immediately in the heat of the nether. I hit harder unable to yell anything except "no".
"Oh yes," Dream taunts.
I can't go home. I'm never going home.
Exhausted and weak, I rest my forehead on the portal. The purple glow burns my eyes but I don't care. There is no point anymore.
"Come on Tommy, back to exile, there's nothing for you here," Dream dags me to my feet by my arm and forces me to walk in front of him.
Tubbo must hate me. He must really hate me if he told Dream to enchant the portal. He never wants me to come back. But I thought we were friends. We were best friends. Right?
I stare at the lava whilst I walk. What would dying in the lava feel like? Would it let me in like water? Or would I be dead before I even touched it? How long would it take for me to end it?
I don't even notice when my feet stop walking and I stand on the edge.
What would it be like to be free again?
"Come on Tommy, it's not your time to go yet," Dream drags me by the arm again.
Back down he drags me, through the fiery pits of hell and then into the cold sting of a hell that felt even worse.
~~~~ Y/N's P.O.V ~~~~
I feel the familiar tug at my naval as we venture deeper into the jungle. We had travelled as far as we could with Angus but ultimately had to leave him in a clearing. He didn't seem to mind.
We are deep into the jungle now. It's damp and humid but the air still has a cool tinge, a warning of the coming rains.
Follow the pull.
The voices suddenly speak as I follow Lorelei deeper into the forest.
"What? Why? I'll probably end up dead or something," I whisper to them.
It's important.
"Do you know where it goes?"
Silence.
"Well, I'm not following it if not even you guys know what it is," I say finally. Despite sounding sure, the pulling is starting to drive me mad with curiosity. What was it that I am so drawn to?
"I don't see any cocoa here, we might have to go deeper in," Lorelei calls to me. I push a branch out of my way and look at the trunks of the trees. Nothing growing here.
"I haven't seen anything either, do you know how to find it?" I ask and Lorelei chuckles.
"No clue, but I do know where to find it. In the jungle, it's pretty common so it shouldn't be too hard to find," she smirks and we start walking again.
The undergrowth crunches steadily under our boots and the satchels we'd brought for food and the cocoa hug tightly to our sides.
"How are the memory things going?" she asks casually.
"It's still difficult, but I'm getting more every day and some are changing, becoming more clear I guess," I try to explain. The memory of the photograph weighs on my mind and further presses on my shoulders.
"Do you remember how they took your memories?" she asks curiously. I skip to catch up with her, that girl walks fast.
"I have no idea how they did it," I say honestly.
"Typical," Lorelei rolls her eyes playfully making me laugh.
"You talk sometimes about a guy where you're from, was he your boyfriend?" she asks again.
"I don't think so. But I think I loved him," I mumble.
"Do you still love him?" she asks more gently this time.
"I don't know, too many things are conflicting," the photograph flashes again in my mind's eye.
"I hope you know when your memories return, loving someone is something very powerful," Lorelei sympathises.
"Yeah me too," I say.
I startle when I feel something drop onto my nose.
"What's wrong?" she asks nervously.
"I felt something fall onto my nose?" I say confused. I touch where it hit me. It was water.
More drops start to fall thick and heavy until. We look up and see the heavy rains cut through the canopy and landing on our heads. In the distance, thunder rumbles like a wave crashing on the shore. Rolling back and forth.
Lorelei and I look back at each other, and then, for no reason at all, we burst out laughing. We keep trudging through joking and laughing about how glad we were we didn't bring Ranboo. The rain gets heavier and heavier until it feels like a waterfall in the sky.
We come across a wildly rushing river absolutely loaded with rainwater.
"Let's follow it!" Lorelei yells over the storm. We chase the river like giddy children until we find where it ends.
"This is so cool!" I shout moving around Lorelei to see the view.
The river cascaded off the cliff into another river in the gulley. Before us, the whole jungle was rolled out like a lush carpet. I wanted to touch it.
I climb to the edge of the cliff and sit on the giant wet stone to watch the grey sky. Lorelei joins me as we get soaked and giggle whenever we see the lightning flash or hear the thunder growl. It felt like magic.
"Did you ever have moments like these with your guys?" Lorelei shouts over the storm.
I don't hesitate when I say yes.
~~~~ Tommy's P.O.V ~~~~
I sat on the beach watching the water. My tears had long dried on my cheeks making them feel still and my eyes were swollen and red.
The sand was damp and stuck to my torn jeans and worn down shoes. Grey cloud rolled over the ocean. It was like having two oceans on top of one another. Both of them were grey and lonely. Like me I guess.
I've been exiled before, I've just never been alone. Last time I had Wilbur. Oh my fucking god Wilbur. He was mad, he was losing it in Pogtopia and we just let it happen.
He was so awful to Y/N, I regret not doing more. I remember how he used to talk to me when we were alone. It was like he wasn't even talking to me at all, it felt like he just looked straight through me and talked to himself.
After we were thrown out, Wilbur was awful. Injured and still healing with the help of Y/N's potions. She had gone back to Dream and we were alone. He stood up and paced the room like how a dog paces a gate. Agitatedly. Angrily. He wanted revenge and I know it right then and there.
I told him to fucking sit down and he yelled at me. We fought both angry at Schlatt for what happened.
"LIFE DOESN'T FUCKING DISCRIMINATE TOMMY!" he shouted at me, his voice echoed off the black walls of the cavern. The only light we had was a later at our feet.
"BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS! IT JUST FUCKING TAKES AND IT TAKES AND IT TAKES AND IT TAKES. BUT WE KEEP LIVING ANYWAY LIKE THE IDIOTS WE ARE, WE JUST DO! But I guess it doesn't matter since WE'RE ALL SINNERS HERE!" he raved and hobbled about like a bird with a broken wing.
"WE AREN'T FUCKING SINNER WIL!"
"YEAH, WE ARE TOMMY! WE'VE HURT SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE! Remember them, Tommy? The original rebellion? Most of them are fucking dead now!" The caves fell to silence.
I did remember them, every single one of them. I wasn't a part of L'Manburg for as long as Wilbur had been, but everyone was like family to me.
"We left them behind," I mutter.
"We keep living anyway Tommy. We rise and we fall and we break and make mistakes but this has been our biggest mistake yet. We're going to amend this mistake, we'll take it all back," he turned away from me and looked up at the ceiling.
"YOU HEAR THAT YOU FUCKS?! WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT ALL BACK!" his voices echoed for a good few seconds before all that stood between us and silence were Wilbur's panting breaths.
"Tommy, if there's a reason that I'm still alive and so many around us have died. I'm willing to wait for it, I'm willing to wait for that reason," that's when I saw it.
Not when he was yelling at the ceiling or hobbling like a madman, but when he knelt down and gripped my shoulders. The wild look in his eyes, the menacing grin. I saw him disappear. I wasn't looking at my brother anymore, I was looking at a man driven by revenge and hatred. An outcast like me without the strength to hold on.
I felt like that now, like I had no strength to hold on. What would I b if I let go? Would I become like Wilbur? Or would I disappear without a trace, forgotten forever?
I don't really feel like finding out.
When we fought, Tubbo always asked me when it would be enough.
"Look around Tommy! Isn't this enough?!" he had shouted at me on the obsidian wall after he said I would be exiled. I couldn't answer, because I didn't really understand.
"He will never be satisfied," I overheard Big Q say to Fundy earlier that day. I didn't really understand who he was referring to until now.
"History has its eyes on us, Tommy, let's fuck it all up. Make history remember us!" Wilbur hissed like a deranged snake.
It wasn't enough for me, L'Manburg wasn't enough for me. It should have been, an entire country for me and my friends to be safe in. But no, I wanted more. I wanted to have L'Manburg, Tubbo, the discs and Y/N or nothing. I chose nothing.
Well done, Tommy. This was your choice. And now I feel like fucking shit.
History would remember me, but not in the way I want to be remembered.
~~~~ Y/N's P.O.V ~~~~
My sides clench as I laugh so hard no sound comes out of my mouth. I don't know if Ranboo is laughing at my lack of oxygen or Lorelei and Myles anymore.
"OK OK OK STOP LAUGHING!" Lorelei screeches despite being in fits of giggles herself.
"Say it again!" she demands as Myles groans and starts laughing again. She whacks him playfully.
"☊⍜⍜☍⟟⟒⌇!" Ranboo says and we all fall silent eagerly waiting for Lorelei's attempt.
"kcn- kkcnrou... c⍜⍜..." she doesn't even manage the full word as she dissolves into laughter.
We all fall apart and Myles nearly falls off his chair he's laughing so hard. Even the fire seems to be cackling with us.
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO BAD AT THIS?!" Ranboo shouts trying to get his shaking chest under control. Lorelei can't even answer, she wipes the tears from her eyes and shakes her head.
"I DON'T KNOW," she wheezes.
We had noticed that in my laughter I had grown lilypads and water lilies in the shallow part of the lake. Lorelei and I had long changed into dry clothes and now we sat under the stars as small glowing ashes flew up from the fire every time it popped and crackled. Angus chewed happily on some hay a few meters away from us.
"⊑⍜⍙ ⟟⌇ ⌇⊑⟒ ⌇⍜ ⏚⏃⎅ ⏃⏁ ⏁⊑⟟⌇? ⟟⏁'⌇ ⌇⍜ ⟒⏃⌇⊬" Ranboo says to me smugly and side-eyes Lorelei clearly trying to tease her.
"⟟ ⍀⟒⏃⌰⌰⊬ ⎅⍜⋏'⏁ ☍⋏⍜⍙" I push out through my laughter.
"HEY STOP IT!" Lorelei shouts and tackles me in my chair. We all laugh more and Lorelei falls to the ground succumbing to her giggles.
"I think this calls for some music," Myles says picking up a book he had been reading and swapping for the guitar in the caravan.
"Yes! But if I'm singing you're singing with me!" She calls to him as he emerges from the van.
"Fine, but only because you asked," he winks cheekily and sits next to Lorelei with the guitar.
I see trees of green
Red roses too
I see them bloom
For me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Lorelei laughs and breaks away from the duet pulling me out of my seat instead.
"Come and dance with me Y/N!" she laughs and I laugh too.
I see skies of blue
And clouds of white
The bright blessed day
The dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Lorelei swings us around and I shut my eyes tightly with excitement. But when I open them I don't see her, I see Dream. Without his mask. Suddenly I can't breathe.
The colours of the rainbow
So pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces
Of people going by
I gasp and lean my head on his chest as we sway side to side. The warm skin on his neck caresses my cheek. His eyes are piercing but loving and I feel his heart beat a million times a minute. I smell the sea and hear the whisper of a guitar and a campfire.
I see friends shaking hands
Saying how do you do
They're really saying
I love you
This was a memory, it's not real. I see Dream smirk and I giggle as he jokingly dips me. But when I come back up it's me and Lorelei again, laughing and messing around whilst Myles sings and Ranboo's tail sways to the rhythm.
I hear babies cry
I watch them grow
They'll learn much more
Than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
I'm spun my Lorelei back into the memory of Dream. I hear his gentle voice sing to me, rough and sweet. My stomach lurches as I drill his features deeper into my brain not wanting to forget them again. The gentle brushstrokes of freckles, the jagged scar over his eye, the way his cheeks settle into his perfect smile, the roguish locks that fall onto his face.
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Ooh, yes
And suddenly, he's gone again, and it's all just another distant memory. I feel a sharp tug on my naval as the voices are rendered silent by the memory. They miss him too, I realise.
I awkwardly step back from Lorelei feeling the warm blush on my cheeks.
"I-I'm feeling a little tired guys. I think I-I'll go inside now," I struggle with the words as Lorelei and Myles send me looks of worry and confusion. I feel a certain disconnection I didn't feel before.
I make my way to leave but Ranboo grabs my hand as I pass him. I look down at him and I feel his long tail brush by my calf.
"⏃⍀⟒ ⊬⍜⎍ ⏃⌰⍀⟟☌⊑⏁?" his eyes are wide with worry.
"☊⏃⋏ ⟟ ⏁⟒⌰⌰ ⊬⍜⎍ ⏃⏚⍜⎍⏁ ⟟⏁ ⌰⏃⏁⟒⍀?" I ask him and he nods. I look down at our hands and he reluctantly lets go.
I duck into the van and fall onto mine and Ranboo's bed. I stare at the ceiling that we had lit with firefly lanterns and am hit by another memory.
****
"Stop you're making me dizzy!" I squeal and he laughs harder and then eventually stops. We pull apart laughing and leaning on each other for balance while the world spins around us. I lean too far and topple over releasing more fireflies into the sky which Dream catches.
I stare at the sky, the fireflies dancing on top of the stars and the smell of the sweet grasses. My view was interrupted by a mop of blond hair. I blow some hair out of my face and accept his hand out of the grass. I shiver as the cold hits me again.
"Why is winter so cold?" I whine to myself.
"Let's go back," Dream said and I nod in agreement. Holding our jars close we trudge back through the meadow to the house.
Dream lazily leaves his cloak by the front door where the hooks are and follows me up the stairs to his room. I plonk down on my back on the bed holding the jar of fireflies to my chest and kick off my shoes. Dream does the same on the other side of the bed. We put our fireflies between us and stare at the ceiling.
The room is completely dark except for the glow coming from our makeshift lanterns. I roll over and look at Dream through the jars. Dream looks at me too.
****
I groan and roll onto my side as the tug pulls on me again.
"Why am I only remembering things now?!" I demand from the voices. They take a moment to answer me.
Because your mind is finally free.
I hear the open and close of the door. Lorelei steps into the cluttered room looking golden in the firefly light. She lays by my side facing me.
"Can I ask what's wrong?" she says tentatively. She looks at me like how one may look at a fawn, carefully, cautiously, not wanting to scare it away.
"I've been feeling this pull, it wants me to go somewhere, but I don't know where," I explain quickly.
"Is this another one of those magic things?"
"I don't know, probably?"
"If you're drawn to something, don't you want to know what it is?"
"I don't want to leave,"
"Why?"
"Because I'm finally happy,"
"Are you?"
I stop and think for a minute. I was happy with Myles and Lorelei, Ranboo was happy too. We all clicked and went on adventures together and we're so close. But there was always something I was worried about. I wasn't carefree like Myles or sparkling like Lorelei. I was dull, troubled.
I don't answer.
Lorelei sits up and leans over the edge of the bed. She pulls out something golden that glints in the light. She sets the small circle between us, a compass.
"Which way does it pull you?" Lorelei asks. I look at the compass and instantly am tugged again.
"West," I blurt out. Lorelei bites her lip nervously.
"West is where all the occupied territories are. It's crawling with Dark Army soldiers and ruins of old towns, are you sure it's pulling you there?" she tries again.
"Definitely west," I shake my head. We don't speak for a moment.
"I have to go there, I might go mad if I don't," I whisper to her. Lorelei hums thoughtfully.
"Myles and I can take you as far as we can, but we'll have to drop you on a road somewhere. We can't risk getting too close or else they could try searching us, they'd take any excuse to tax us or arrest us or something else horrible," Lorelei rambles.
We're left in silence again. Lorelei's right, it's dangerous, really dangerous. But I need to go anyway.
"I had another memory of that guy," I tell her trying to change the subject. "That's why I left."
"What was it about?" Lorelei asks. I can't put it into words, I don't know how.
"I know I still love him."
~~~~
HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ahhh progressssss! I was procrastinating study so here y'all go.
A lot of people have asked about my upload schedule recently. I have no problems with you guys asking me stuff I really enjoy the questions.
To make it clear: my upload schedule is nonexistent. My work relies heavily on spontaneous bursts of energy or random inspiration I could get from anywhere.
If you guys are interested in when new chapters are coming out or when I'm writing, feel free to follow me! I'm always posting about what I'm doing or planning or any milestones that we've hit in the series.
SPEAKING OF THE SERIES I'VE FINALLY NAMED IT!!!! :D
Wilting Marigolds and Forget-Me-Not are now officially called the Blooms of War series. (Yes I tried to make it cheesy and cringe on purpose because I thought it would be funny)
Here was my inspiration for this chapter:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CS-_unfB4mx/?utm_medium=copy_link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_mwpgOFqRg
Can't wait to finish my exams and then get back to writing over the holidays :)))))))
I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING MORNING/DAY/EVENING/NIGHT <3
YOU'RE ALL AMAZING MWAH <3 <3 <3