Axel's POV
Days earlier
~
He keeps saying my name. As he sits in a hospital bed in Lunar Territory, it sounds more like a desperate whimper, but there's nothing I can do to alleviate his pain. I'm not even sure that Cooper and I will ever feel the power of the mate bond like we have before.
Or even if there is a "Cooper and I."
After the pain partially subsided and I could register details of the world around me and logically work through the meaning of the intense pain in my chest and body, I realized that when the pain lessened, so did my connection to Cooper. Grayson followed me to Lunar territory after I shifted into my wolf. A group of pack warriors and pack healers followed as well to aid their Beta in the search and rescue of my mate while the recently appointed Gamma immediately took over his duties in running the pack.
I was wild with fury, sickened that my mate was dying- because there was no way that the pain I felt was just an insignificant injury- without his mate present to protect or comfort him. Grayson managed to keep up with my speed, although he fell a little behind the closer we got to Lunar territory. I ran immediately to the hospital, and I swear if anyone tried to stop my entry I would kill them. One Lunar guard looked as though he would try to stop me, but when Grayson shifted into his human form and explained who I was, he didn't pursue me even though I was still in my wolf form.
That leaves me here now, staring at my dying mate who is attached to an IV, with unknown tubes attached to various parts of him. I can't have him stay here. I don't fucking trust this pack to care for him. Dark Wood is the only place for him to stay where he can get the proper care. I mindlink this to Grayson, and he agrees. He arranges for an ambulance to help transport us to the territory, and the Lunar Pack Alpha doesn't even put up a fight.
I would kill him if I were willing to leave Cooper's side.
I almost go on a killing spree when I see that someone marked Cooper. Someone attempted to erase our connection, thinking that marking him would somehow overpower the bond we share. Did they realize that marking someone a second time will kill them? Was someone attempting to murder my mate?
It doesn't matter. My mate is dying because some idiot wanted to take what is mine. The worst part is, they may have succeeded.
Before we leave, Grayson works with the pathetic, spineless Alpha to uncover who attacked my mate. It apparently doesn't take long to discover that the culprit is a wolf named Brenden. The fool immediately ran home to pack a bag and was hiding out in his parents' basement while he came up with a plan of action.
With little convincing on Grayson's part, the prisoner will be moved to Dark Wood territory for punishment. Nobody puts up much of a fight, not even the attacker's parents. It is a blessing that they discard their son so easily, although I want to rip them apart for their homophobic comments.
The Dark Wood pack doesn't stick around in the Lunar pack territory for long. Cooper's guardians and friends are not allowed to see him. I don't want them to see him while he's like this.
In the ambulance, Cooper has a seizure. I am moved out of the way, still in my wolf form and unable to aid my mate in any way. The anger has long been buried and now I just feel... numb. I have gotten used to Cooper's energetic and lively presence in my mind, and without his emotions I am left with nothing, only silent fury and pain and loneliness.
I won't live without him.
Cooper seizes twice more on the way to the Dark Wood hospital, and I'm just grateful that the pack healers are here. All I can do is pathetically watch as my heart dies with each seizure, each unconscious groan of pain, each realization that Cooper very well may die before we even reach a hospital.
He manages to hold on, and he is rushed inside the large infirmary of the pack house. I never leave his side, unable to even think of torturing the one responsible. Typically, my first thought would be of revenge, violence, payback; Now, all that is on my mind is Cooper and his recovery. I know that Brenden is in our pack cells, and I'll deal with him after Cooper recovers or after he breathes his last breath.
A day or two pass. I'm not sure of the timeline, but I know Grayson has brought me food and water. I manage to eat small amounts, but I'm not interested in food.
I want to touch Cooper, hold his hand, speak to him. However, I am trapped in my wolf form. I cannot control myself, and I cannot shift back no matter how much of a conscious effort I make. I try to lean my head on his arm once, but I immediately draw back.
I cannot feel our bond. I cannot feel his pain. I cannot feel a single thing except grief and utter devastation.
And wrath.
About a day later is when Cooper is intubated. He was breathing a bit ragged, and the doctor thought it best to help him breathe better. He claims that it will help him recover faster.
If Cooper is going to die, I need him to do it soon. I cannot keep going on like this, trapped in limbo. I need him to fight, but he's so weak that I know that I'm asking the impossible. I cannot do this. I cannot watch him deteriorate, his eyes sunken in, his complexion turning pale.
I cannot do this without him. The one person that can draw me out of my dark thoughts, hold me after a night terror and ease me back to bed, and make me laugh in practically any situation is hanging onto life by a thread.
This is my fault. I knew better than to allow Cooper to go on this field trip. I let my emotions cloud my judgement. I was weak and gave into Cooper's request, in fear that he would begin to despise me if I became more controlling over his life. Since I met him, every single decision I made was factoring in his wants and needs. If he wakes up, I will not let him out of my sight ever again. I will cherish him, treasure him, spoil him. Anything in the world he wants, he'll have it.
The next day, I hear the door swing open and a pair of sneakers slightly squeaking against the linoleum floors the closer they get to Cooper. I know it's Grayson, which is the only reason I don't snap at his proximity to my mate.
I don't take my eyes off of Cooper as I see Grayson sit down on the floor next to me in my peripheral vision. He doesn't say anything for a while, and I don't understand what he's doing just sitting down next to me until he speaks.
"I'm so sorry, Axel," Grayson apologizes, a grating response because he had nothing to do with my mate's injury. I despise his pity. I choose not to respond, instead stretching my paws to combat my lack of movement.
"He hasn't had a seizure today. Maybe that means he's getting better-"
What are you doing here? I speak through mindlink, unwilling to hear his hopeful comments. He will only make things worse when Cooper doesn't come out of this alive.
Grayson looks at me, and the weight of his gaze compels me to look over at him for a moment before going right back to staring at my mate. Grayson looks tired, most likely working overtime in my absence.
"What the hell do you mean 'what am I doing here'? I'm checking on you and Cooper. He looks a little better today, doesn't he?" He says this with a sense of false hope. I know this because Cooper looks exactly the same as he did yesterday, except now he has a breathing machine to breathe for him. I would classify that as him looking worse.
I can't do this, I say through the mindlink.
Grayson frowns. "Can't do what?"
I can't exist without him.
"You like to think logically, right?" Grayson says, using some of his Alpha dominance to aid in his confidence. "Think about this- your mate is still alive. He is fighting to stay with you. He is fighting for his future with you. Don't sulk and talk negatively like that. It's unbecoming."
I have no idea what Grayson is thinking, but he cannot keep deluding himself like this. He needs to know the likelihood of things ending unfavorably.
You don't get it because you haven't met your mate yet. It took me a while to realize this, and accept it, but logic is discarded at every turn with a mate. The mate bond is a connection of emotions, and I was numb before him and I will be numb after him. I refuse to live without him, forever trapped in this endless void. There is no purpose without him.
"What the fuck are you saying-"
You need to start thinking of replacements. If Cooper dies, so do I.
Grayson looks desperate as he leans towards me with an almost manic look in his eyes. "No. Please, no! Axel, you can't do that. Cooper wouldn't want you to kill yourself-"
Cooper would be dead. It doesn't matter what he would want. I'm the one who is left behind. He said he would never leave me, but he is.
"Axel," Grayson growls, desperately moving closer to me. "He's fighting to survive as we speak. That kid is so incredibly strong. I refuse to think of him passing and so should you. Even if he does..." Grayson rubs a hand down his face. I can see his inner torment clearly on his face. "You can't give up. My mom didn't after my dad died."
I finally understand that Grayson is thinking of his own experience with the loss of his father. However, I am not strong like his mother who was able to survive without her mate. I cannot do it. I cannot pretend to move on and live in a world that is bleak and unforgiving. For Cooper to die, it would mean that I was never meant to have real joy.
The world is a fucked up place, and I'm a fucked up person. Cooper may have deserved better than me, but he became my everything. He always will be.
Grayson sits in silence next to me, most likely brainstorming ways to keep me alive if Cooper doesn't survive. Cooper's body is shutting down, and if a miracle doesn't occur soon, he won't have much time.
Please, Moon Goddess. I have never asked a single thing of you. Please, please, save my mate. Cooper is the love of my life. Save him. Please.
~
I'm not quite sure if it is Grayson's optimistic energy or if the Moon Goddess actually heard my desperate plea, but Cooper's vitals begin to improve. This is day four of Cooper's coma, and the doctor reveals signs of improvement with him. I will not begin to relax until my mate opens his eyes.
It takes another day for Cooper to begin to fight the intubation, and watching the doctor remove the tube from his throat is almost unbearable. The doctor, John, turns to me with a sympathetic smile.
"Axel, I'm very happy to say that Cooper will wake soon, most likely sometime today. He will be in extreme pain, and I'm not sure of the mental state he will be in when he wakes." The doctor steps towards me and sits in a nearby chair so he is level with my wolf. "You need to prepare yourself with the fact that with the attempted marking, Cooper may not act like himself. There may be some permanent damage. I wish I knew more about forced markings and if the rare surviving patient ever fully recovers."
I turn away from the doctor to rest my head on the hospital bed by Cooper's feet. Now that it is more clear that Cooper will wake, will he even be the Cooper that remembers me? That accepts me? I will never abandon him, but if he does not feel that same way about me as he did previous to that predator's failed mark, could I really give him space if that is what he truly wants?
No. I'm too selfish.
The doctor presses some buttons on the machinery attached to my mate while I pay careful attention, ready to take over when Cooper wakes up if need be. I know how each of the machines work, knowing that if he wakes, this machinery can be moved to my room so he can be more comfortable. I will take over his recovery.
"You know," the doctor begins, already grating on my nerves the minute he speaks again. If he tells me more about how Cooper will not be the man I remember, I cannot be held responsible for the injuries I inflict. "Your mate would not be alive without you."
My head jerks towards the doctor, who folds his hands in front of his abdomen. He chuckles.
"You remained by his side, never leaving. Not for a moment. If your mate bond hadn't been so strong previously, if you had left for a few days to cope in your own way like I feared you might, I don't believe Cooper would have made it." He moves forward, adjusting the sensors attached to Cooper's heart monitor. "I know you want the best for your mate. Do you know what would help him recover the quickest?"
My ears betray my thoughts by perking up slightly. These are tells I do not have to worry about in my human form, but as a wolf it is a struggle to maintain an outward appearance of neutrality.
"Shift back."
The doctor leaves us, and I lay my head by Cooper's legs once again. Shift back? I've been trapped in my wolf form, fighting my turbulent feelings that switch from numb to fury to numb to broken back to numb. My emotional regulation has always been severely lacking, but I have never been stuck in my wolf form for more than an hour.
Knowing that Cooper will wake soon and wish to see me, I force myself to calm down. I need to control my emotions for Cooper. He will need to see my face when he awakens. He will need to see that I am strong enough, that he can lean on me for support.
Even if he doesn't recognize me.
The thought of Cooper forgetting me makes me growl under my breath, which does not aid in my attempts to calm down. I take in a deep breath and picture Cooper in my mind when he used to blush like crazy after I kissed him unexpectedly. When he would shout out profanities whenever I touched him in a way he enjoyed, when he would smile so intensely when telling a story of his past pranks.
I focus on that image of him, of the hope of a future filled with more moments like those, and I shift back into my human form, prepared to slay Cooper's demons with my own.
~
I was so sad writing the scene between Grayson and Axel. My heart is breaking even though I know everything works out in the end :(
~
Q: What is your favorite board game?
A: Settlers of Catan
Xx alexia