A look I have seen before
Shaun looked at my body with an expression I can hardly describe, it was intense. And I couldn't take my eyes off his, stared at them whenever they met my face and followed them feeling a burning satisfaction at discovering where they hovered.
We stood in silence for what seemed like minutes, both of us standing, faces inches apart, feeling Shaun's gasping breath and barely knowing if I was breathing enough.
In a flash, my thoughts went to the night I came back from Hershey and waited for Shaun in the hallway of the old building. His expression as he stepped out of the elevator and faced me flashed in detail as we faced each other in that room. This time there was not only an expression of surprise, Shaun was gazing at me with desire and reverence and this realization raised my heart rate again. I took his hand and guided him to the bed.
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Shaun's analysis
When Shaun touched me again, I felt like I was out of air. He rested his right hand on my thigh, gently slid it down, then up to my belly, and then around the other parts.
Feeling the touch of his hands on sensitive areas caused me to make an immense effort to catch my breath.
Performing his research, he paused for a few seconds to stare at a specific spot on me that caught his attention, then returned to my face where I found myself staring at his expression as he studied my body. I was ecstatic and surprisingly light, as if I were floating. Shaun analyzed each part as if he wanted to memorize their details.
"Your body is smooth and perfect, Lea."__he said in whispered words as he stopped at the spot between my breasts.
It struck me how long that moment lasted, the delicacy in the way he touched me, neither shying nor expressing annoyance at stroking another skin. His eyes radiated and I know mine did too.
Staring at him, I lifted my head a little and held his face for a kiss, understanding the signal, he bent down to meet my mouth. Shaun launched himself on top of me, kissing me slowly as he stretched out on his arms.
He knew exactly what he wanted to do to me, his gaze anticipated it. Nothing needed to be taught this time and I was eager to find out what he intended.
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Premiere sensations
It had never happened to me like this before, so many physical sensations and feelings flowing through me at the same time as Shaun moved over my body. I gave myself completely to him that night and I could feel how reciprocal the surrender was.
Having sex with him did not involve positions beyond the normal. It involved an intimacy that grew as we left our clothes on the floor and with them undressed not only our bodies, but all the modesty that existed between us.
Just as our friendship began, our relationship began with an intense connection. On our first night we began to completely uncover the outer layer of each other, the parts that we both secretly wanted to see.
Although it was the first time, I felt that our bodies had known each other for ages.
Our souls came into perfect harmony the minute Shaun opened the door to lend me batteries years ago.
That moment took time to happen and to end. Every movement, exchange, moan, and sigh showed me how much we had longed for this and how meaningful it was to have waited and allowed myself to be there.
We repeated the contact between our bodies once again that night, as intensely as the first time.
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Revelations, the evidence of the undeniable
In the early morning hours Shaun and I talked about what had happened between us over the years we had known each other. I confessed to Shaun at what point I discovered I was in love with him and why I reacted that way when he confessed that he loved me.
The explanation came as an apology.
Shaun told me about what Carly said when she broke up with him after what she saw the night we sang at the karaoke bar. It didn't surprise me to learn that she was right. If Carly saw it, it was clear to other people as well.
At this point I didn't care about this detail anymore. I wanted everyone to know from now on that I love him. But listening to this part of the story brought back a clear memory of that occasion when the two of us were dancing trying to keep up with the music. It was as if everyone had evaporated and all that was left was me, Shaun and the frantic beat of the melody. Recalling the moment warmed my heart.
I told Shaun that we had met by chance that very night, but going to their table was my intention, I wanted to interrupt their moment.
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Shaunie in the night
Seconds after spotting them I couldn't control the impulse and pulled my company over to use the excuse of a couples' date. I confess that before I approached Carly and Shaun I was enjoying myself with dancing, drinking, and that guy I had been dating for a few weeks. But none of that stopped me from acting that way.
"You looked so handsome. All dressed up, so different from the other people there."
Shaun listened intently as I spoke.
Reaching the epiphany
I promise for myself would not be a cause of friction between Shaun and Carly. I accepted his request to leave the apartment without question. It hurt, but he asked citing all the pertinent reasons and I didn't see myself in the position of denying it. I took it as a sign that I might be getting in the way of their relationship. Shaun always told me about them and I tried to help him by giving advice when the situation called for it. But that was the problem for her and his extreme honesty unfortunately only made things worse.
I know she must not have been happy at all when we traveled to Casper. I wouldn't be if my boyfriend invited his friend instead of me to be present at such a sensitive moment as Shaun's reunion with his father.
I thought about refusing because I anticipated the problems he would face later with Carly, but I considered that if he asked for my company it meant that I should go. Then my predictions were confirmed. Even with my pleas that he not tell about the night we slept together in the hotel bed, he did. I imagine that this was difficult to face. And it culminated in my expulsion from the house.
I should have stepped back a little to give them space and a chance to work things out. But in the weeks following our return, Shaun came to me several times, once to invite me to lunch and the other times to tell me that Glassy wanted to interview me for a job opening in his office. I couldn't say no to Shaun and there was the curious fact that long before the trip I still felt the jolt of his absences. Any opportunity to see him encouraged me, it was an invitation I couldn't refuse. My conscience told me that I needed to stop and start avoiding too many encounters. I tried, but it was not simple. He would text me for advice or to tell me something new, and when I started working at the hospital we often met in the cafeteria. I couldn't resist approaching him when I saw that silhouette in a lab coat around a stack of books. And it was because of these inevitable and irresistible encounters that I had my first epiphany.
The language of the unsaid
During one morning when the two of us were sharing a plate of pancakes, eggs, and fries__ Shaun was more focused on his books than on the food__ he had told me about Morgan implying that my behavior toward him represented a possible way of marking territory by making him my property.
That comment amused me and seemed so over the top and mean.
" How could she think that? And why?" __ I asked curiously.
"Because last morning she saw you eating the food off my plate. I told her you were just hungry. But she said it's a form of body language that women use to express superiority over other women, only I don't know why you would do that."
I remembered the occasion the previous morning when Shaun asked my opinion about it being true that people don't always say what they really think or mean. Morgan showed up minutes later to summon Shaun back to work, I caught the judgmental look she cast when she saw me enjoying a potato fillet.
I confess, in some of these encounters I forgot my goal to be less expansive, but that didn't include sharing the potatoes from Shaun's plate.
"So, I have no reason to do that. We're friends, I assure you that the only justification for me eating your snack is because, of course, I'm hungry and also because I know you don't mind. But if it makes you worry that Carly might get upset, I promise I won't do it anymore."
"Carly won't mind. We are friends and besides I can never eat everything, when we share you always finish what I leave on the plate."
" That's it! Friends to avoid wasting food. Great!"
I smiled, trying to be convincing.
Morgan was a jerk, but I admired the direct and sincere way she stood her ground. And then thanks to Shaun's keeping nothing from me, her insinuations led me to make one of the most significant reflections, which left me with no way out, having to face old feelings that I believed I had ignored for years.
I spent hours going back over old events, remembering the look on some people's faces when mentioning Shaun or flatteringly listing all his personal and professional attributes, considerations that made me assume that something justified Morgan's speech.
Questions are the answers you already know.
"Why did you miss him when you were in Hershey?__ Why did you want to jump into his arms that Christmas morning in the hospital? __Why were you disappointed when you found out that the flowers were not for you, but for Carly?"
My memories flowed back and forth proving how it all made sense.
I already had all the answers, but most shocking of all was the power of the discovery, it came like a slap in the face, punishing all my old attempts to have vainly prevented it from reaching the exact point I was at.
"Yes, people may be able to avoid saying what they think, but they can't always hide what they feel."
After long internal debates I faced that there was a chasm between what I thought and what my actions showed. And I became aware of how long this had been going on without me realizing it. I worried.
I needed to stop for good before things got out of hand. No, I could no longer let go of what had begun to take up space in my mind the moment I gave it my full attention.
However, on the same day, I had another chance to fail trying to prove that I was not in control of anything.
Ironies and egos
I had just left the ground floor when the elevator opened and saw Carly waiting to get in.
We greeted each other with a short informal greeting between co-workers from different sectors.
A strange mood of tension and fear hung over us, something needed to be said and I didn't want to wait to find out which of the two would take the initiative.
"Am I in the way of you and Shaun getting together? You know, I don't know if you were okay with us going to Casper and I know he told you about us sleeping together and..."
"All right!"__she interrupted me." I trust Shaun and if he said it was nothing more than a hug between friends. After all__she stared at me more deeply__"that's what you guys are, so I believe him."
The false certainty behind her irony amused me. I smiled in the friendliest way possible.
"That's good! I'm reassured because if I were you I don't know if I would be. "
"Well, like I said, that's fine."__She said a little harshly.
The door opened, I hesitated to let Carly out first. She nodded and walked hurriedly out.
I received an unconvincing response, I could tell from her tone that I was bothering her. A vain part of me still trying to understand her confusion, the part that felt jealous of my love, liked that answer. I was silently upset about the whole thing, and Carly's discomfort with my question ended up stroking my ego.
But the rational part said it wasn't fair to him. Shaun was in a healthy relationship that was good for him. I had no right to get in the way of that, especially since Carly could provide the security he would never have with me, not to mention that I thought Shaun loved her.
Required Explanations
"If you were having fun, why did you choose to sit with us?"__Shaun questioned.
"Because I wanted to be there, Shaun, by your side. I wanted it to be just the two of us. Without Carly and without...that guy."
"If you didn't like him that much, why did you stay with him for weeks?"
"I don't know. But going out with him distracted me. Especially when I didn't want to be home alone. I missed you, your company. But you were dating Carly, so that made our dates a lot shorter. We hardly saw each other at work."
Shaun reflected on this for a few seconds. We were lying on our backs, staring at the ceiling as we talked, our hands clasped together. I turned a little sideways to look at him.
"But from now on, we'll have enough time to continue enjoying each other's company. Right?"
He, who was now staring at me, agreed with a slight nod and a kiss. With a light, precise movement he put his free arm around me. I returned the embrace, cradling my head in his lap.
" You didn't like seeing me with Carly?"
"It wasn't exactly dislike. I was glad that you were seeing someone who was good for you. But at the same time I missed us, our dinners and conversations, even sitting next to you on the couch listening to music while you watched the weather report. Waking up to find you in the kitchen. I suffered a lot when I had to move. And many times, at night, I would imagine where you were and what you were doing at that moment, and it made me sad."
"I'd probably be with Carly and we'd be having se..."
"Yes!"__ I interrupted before he could say what I was avoiding. __" That's right. Now I understand what that meant, I was missing and jealous of you because I already loved you, Shaun."
"But, Lea you used to advise and help me when I was dating Carly."
"Yeah, Shaun. Love has those compromises. Sometimes you have to let go and be happy to see the person you love happy, even if it's not with you. That's love too."
"I think I know how you felt. I felt that way when you were with Jake, I didn't like seeing you with him."__ Shaun said.
"You liked Jake, the three of us even watched movies together and..."
I stopped for quickly remembering the time Shaun knocked on my bedroom door when Jake and I were in a very intimate moment. Shaun with that tray of popcorn, the orange juice he had thoughtfully bought for Jake, and the offer to watch the movie about a chef.
Well planned as only Shaun could think of, not on purpose like my reverse karaoke night with Carly, but still with the same uncontrollable goal of stealing his beloved's attention for himself.
"How crazy!"__ I thought__ If both of us had been braver and more frank with our own feelings earlier this conversation would have no way of happening now, since these people wouldn't even have entered our lives.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, it's all in the past and we've learned from it__ I ran my hand over the bare area of Shaun's arm__We have learned to understand our fears and desires and most of all to accept our love for each other. Isn't that right?"
"Dr. Glassman said that you have to face your feelings even if it means suffering because of them. When Carly broke up with me and told me that I should assume that I loved you, I was afraid that you would reject me and not even want to be my friend anymore."
I swallowed hard. I turned around on my elbows, standing a few inches above Shaun. I stared into his eyes.
"Shaun, everything I said to you that night"__ I paused as I painfully recalled the scene__ "none of it is what I think about you. I was just afraid. Afraid of making things hard for you, afraid of disappointing you, and afraid of hurting you again like I did by kissing you on that trip without caring how you would feel afterwards."
He listened to me, concentrating, blinking his eyes in short intervals.
I continued
"After you said that you loved me, all the fear I already had increased, because besides dealing with what I felt at that moment, I would have to deal with your feelings as well. I was confused and didn't know how to react in the best way. And you insisted so much, I didn't want to give up. I don't know what came over me, but the solution I thought of was to say something that would make you forget the idea. And I ended up hurting you."
Shaun kept on just listening.
"The fact that you are autistic, that you have your way of functioning, has never been a problem for me. You have always been and are the kindest, most caring, intelligent, wonderful man I have ever known. I didn't lie about that. I was insecure. I didn't want to risk again the most valuable and certain thing that was our friendship. But now, the biggest certainty I have is that I love you and I want to make every moment worthwhile by your side from now on." Finished.
As I spoke I tried to express all my honesty and the love that I feel. I leaned over until I was next to Shaun, cheeks and lips pressed together.
We continued with a long kiss.
"Will you forgive me for hurting you?"
I whispered as I felt the movement of his chest rising and falling in a light, quiet breath.
"I forgive you, Lea. Do you also forgive me for trying to break your car? I didn't mean to do it, I was angry. I wanted you to love me."
"It's okay, Shaun. People do and say things they don't mean when they are confused and frustrated. That's over now. I was scared when I saw you with that bat in your hand, but deep down, I knew you wouldn't have the courage to use it, you're not violent."
"I don't think you are a shallow, selfish person, Lea. You taught me how to drive, agreed to share the apartment with me, and always made me pancakes on Saturdays or when I started something new."
He statement had a pancake breakfast flavor, another delicious part of our routine during the not so old days.
"I didn't know that trip was so important to you. It was for me too, but you never talked about it. I was surprised to hear you tell Vera all those things."
I had never thought that something as simple as everything we lived through together could have a place of value in his life.
Shaun was that man who marvels at simplicity and detail. I never tire of admiring him.
"I learned many things from you during that trip. Kissing was one of them."
I smiled.
" I was his first kiss and I hope to be the only one."
I tightened my arms around him a little more, tilted my head and kissed Shaun's perfect rectangular chin.
We stayed like this, talking and sharing warmth until in a funny and cute moment, Shaun suggested we put on sleepwears, claiming it was cold and he wanted to prevent us from catching a cold.
"Lea, did you bring any sleepwear?" __ He stood up.
"No, Shaun"__I said, sitting down on the bed__ "Getting dressed was the one thing I didn't think of when I came here."__ I gave him another inviting look.
This time Shaun missed the point.
"All right. I'll lend you a shirt."
I watched with an amused look as he turned, took off his blanket, went to his dresser, and opened a drawer from which he pulled out three volumes of neatly folded clothes. He approached me and handed me a soft white T-shirt. Standing there synchronously, he put on his sleepwear as he watched me put them on. He returned to his side of the bed, took another look at me, and lifted his face forward proudly.
"Ok, now we're protected."__He emphasized.
I couldn't help but smile at that kind act. I put my hand on his face and pulled him close to me. One more kiss. We lay down for a few long minutes in silence, staring at each other.
"You are so beautiful."__ I whispered stroking the outline of Shaun's soft face.
"You're very pretty too, Lea. And attractive."
"Do you find me attractive?" __ I asked curiously.
" Yes, you have big, perfect lips and your body is perfect too. I loved seeing your body."__He quoted meekly and with conviction. It was as close to erotic as Shaun could get with words and that remark stroked my heart.
" Thank you, I also find your body and lips very attractive." I touched his face again__ "and your eyes are beautiful, they are the part about you that have always captured my attention. Especially when they shine for me as they are now."
Shaun brought his face close to mine and deposited a short, gentle kiss. He put one hand on my waist and with it slowly guided me onto my back, wrapped his arm around me and lined up the other so that I could rest my head there.
I fell asleep warmed by the blankets and Shaun's addictive, soft embrace.
At some point in the early morning I felt that my weight might become uncomfortable for him after a long time. I turned over on my front, let go of the arm that had previously served as my pillow and settled it beside Shaun, kept the other around my waist. He didn't feel it when I did this, he was sound asleep, with an expression of total calmness.
Before I surrendered to sleep, I ran my hand once more over his face. I left a light kiss on his lips. Not a practice kiss, not a good-bye kiss, but a kiss of.
"Why did it take me all this time to experience this?"
I felt happy and at peace to be there.
I woke up with the clarity of the room hitting my eyes, as soon as I opened them I found Shaun staring at me with a soft smile.
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"Good morning, Lea. I was watching you sleep. You look beautiful in your sleep."
" Morning, Shaunie"__ I smiled__"Have you been up long?"
"Yes, I brushed my teeth and made pancakes for breakfast. I waited for you to wake up so we could eat together."
He pulled my face closer and kissed me. I felt the coolness of the toothpaste. I didn't refuse that nice touch first thing in the morning.
"Studies show that couples who have sex in the morning are happier and perform better at work."
"Well, we were excused from work today, but I think we can put this research into practice and tomorrow see if it really works."
Shaun shook his head cheerfully and leaned in for another kiss.