✿ first impression: title, cover and description (10/15)
title: overused. generic.
cover: looks good, but the same story as the title. the first impression of your book doesn't stand out.
description: i can see what you're trying to do in the description. it almost worked. below, i correct some comprehensive mistakes:
the things you need to introduce in the description are:
main characters: not bad.
hook: not bad.
climax: you didn't introduce it. that's what you need to work on; teasing us with the hook about the climax. mentioning the main leads and throwing some adjectives around them isn't so exciting.
on a side note, azalea is introduced as a high school teen, right? for a huge and dangerous organisation like the mafia, i doubt someone like her will be assigned to any managerial position. i'm not an expert in this, but it doesn't make sense to me. i'd appreciate it if you clear this out.
also, i feel the structure in the blurb felt monotonous. subject + verb + object most of the time. try varying.
✿ plot & chapters (5/20)
+ the very first paragraph is a turnoff. two characters are speaking in the same paragraph, annoying alignment, and monotonous writing. important details are barely there.
+ i see characters speak in italian. if they're italian, why do they use english at times and italian at others? your story is in english, so this felt awkward and odd. i'm not sure if the execution of bilingual characters this way is correct, so i advise you to research bilingual characters.
+ the chapter goes on with direct info-dumping and addressing of facts. not wattpaders' favourite style to engage the reader.
+ carrying on, the book sounded like "the everyday life of azalea". nth exciting happens in c1 so far. shower, dress up, eat, converse, etc. remember to enter unimportant scenes late and leave early.
+ despite you've given slight details about some things, you slacked in other important places. like what's this place they've moved to? is it their home? why? how will it affect the story? azalea likes the reunion, but what does she think about living in that place? a lot of questions overwhelmed me as i read.
+ azalea mentions she provides for the family. again from the previous section: she is just a teen. how can she? unless i misunderstood.
+ from then on, i felt the events started getting random. street race? aren't those illegal? aren't the girls underage? how were they held? why street race specifically? what makes them think azalea is into that? then she 'smirks', indicating she likes the risk. this sounds extrovertish (to like danger), when in the beginning, she wasn't even willing to leave home? so much confusion and character contradiction.
+ characters rubbing off their filthy rich status wasn't great to read. it sounded awkward.
+ c1 ends without me getting to know what's the book about. what's the hook? what's at stake? what's the inciting incident? wondering if two characters will end up together isn't enough.
+ at the beginning of c2, some mafia concepts are introduced, but i didn't feel they made sense. a mafia gang of teenage females? how experienced could they be? and as usual, azalea info-dumps everything with very little context.
+ i suppose you consider the sacrifice they made for the mafia a hook? i'm supposed to wonder about it? unsure.
+ i was unable to imagine the race scene due to the lack of detail and accuracy.
+ only in the beginning of c3, you reveal she's in seattle in her aunt's house. it was unreasonably vague before.
+ uh, again with the extreme clichéness, there's a girl claiming asher and threatening azalea when she didn't even talk to him, gosh. i don't think girls are this overprotective of someone who isn't theirs irl. he isn't an object as well. she doesn't own him, not even if they were in a relationship.
+ the pace in c3 is too fast. she clashed with asher, the barbies, made a friend (with absolutely no detail), and she is getting invited to a party hosted by the one and only badboy asher lol. each of those i feel needs more justice detail wise.
+ there's finally a cliffhanger at the end of c3, but it's too much out of context. who are these two gangs, and why should i care if they united? introduce them to us, so we connect.
i think research is in order for many concepts in this book. for now, it seems loose and messy. this isn't great in terms of securing readers.
✿ characters (5/20)
the characters are introduced thru azalea's pov only. they're not given the chance to express themselves thru dialogue or action. azalea was info-dumping about them all from her perspective.
the dialogues felt forced and robotic. you've missed a great space to utilise it for characterisation. instead of letting the character express themselves via what they said, azalea would punch in an explanation of what the speaker implied. try action beats and more detail, even from azalea's pov.
character interactions are a little awkward. perhaps bc of the robotic tone. in c2, she was supposed to sound playful and that guy daring, but i didn't feel that was executed well. the lack of detail is the issue. you need to describe their facial expressions and azalea's inner thoughts. asking for his car felt extreme, and asking for a date felt out of context. who did he think he was? she kicked him for touching her, but c'mon, she was okay with a date (neither are okay). whatever their underlying intentions are, i don't understand them bc they're not shown.
the supposed change in asher's character, according to freya, doesn't make sense. it comes off as cliché; that moment when a guy sets his eyes on that girl bc she's "different" whatsoever. why'd he change his demands from money to a date? he just met her.
azalea is annoyingly too full of herself. it's unrealistic-- when you arrive at school, no one really looks at you for more than 5 seconds unless you've disguising yourself as a clown lol. at least not explicitly; people don't like to be caught staring. that's some dumb audacity there. if you insist to give her this trait, look for more realistic ways. maybe for example she's good at sth, and people recognise her talent.
if you look into asher deeper, why is he adamant about knowing who azalea is instead of, for example, asking her who taught her how to race and fight? a more logical thought process. why'd he think she was any different from a teenager racer like him?
for the side characters, i felt lost about them. they felt like buffers with no solid use.
✿ grammar (6/15)
□ know when to end a sentence and not drag it on without punctuation. once you have subject + verb + object, end it. there are major punctuation errors in the story.
□ you don't always enclose the quotation marks with the right punctuation mark.
→ When you use a speech tag (said and anything in the meaning of it: whisper, mutter...), you enclose with a comma and the word after the quotation isn't capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely," she said.
OR: She said, "She is lovely."
→ When you use something other than that, aka dialogue beats (a description of the physical action a character makes while speaking), you enclose with a period and the next word is capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely." She nodded.
also, when a new character speaks, they get a new paragraph, otherwise, it's confusing. i struggled to understand who was speaking most of the time. give it a speech tag if more than two people are talking, or if a new person enters the conversation.
□ numbers of two digits and less are written out as words in literature. you can use the numerical system with three digits and more.
□ errors in compound sentences: when you use a coordinator (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so: you can use the acronym FANBOYS to help you remember the seven coordinators) to join full meaning sentences, use a comma.
For example → she washed her face, and she brushed her teeth.
Notice that if you omit the 'and' in the second sentence, the sentence is meaningful (independent).
However, you don't need a comma if you omit the second 'she' → she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
□ you need a vocative comma when you address someone directly.
ex: "How are you, Azalea?"
□ missing/misused commas here and there.
□ verb-subject disagreements.
i can't point out every single mistake as there were many. try to use a proofreading app like grammarly. helps loads with fishing out simple mistakes that hinder the reader's enjoyment :)
✿ writing style (12/30)
+ alright, first of all, no need to align the whole story to the centre. that was the most off-putting formatting i've ever seen. the book has a huge paragraphing problem. additional to what i mentioned in the grammar section about giving every character speaking a new paragraph, you also need to start a new paragraph when the scene changes, when the topic changes, or you want to create a dramatic effect. this issue harmed the flow most as there were very long jumbled up paragraphs--annoying to mobile readers-- along with the centred alignment. i believe fixing it will make the book a thousand times better. presentation and formatting are as important as content.
i took this screenshot from my pc browser. look how overwhelmingly jumbled. many characters are talking in the same paragraph, and many things happening.
+ the writing sounded monotonous bc you use the same sentence structures over and over, sometimes three times in a row. mostly the same sub + verb + obj structure with conjunctions sometimes. not grammatically wrong, but try to switch it up for the enjoyment of the reader. i think a lot of monotony can be fished from the latest screenshot too.
+ descriptions were scarce or straightforward without literary devices (similes, metaphors, analogies... etc). what was the place like? how did the characters feel? etc. it felt more like a scenario. info-dumping dominated the writing style.
+ you're using first-person pov, but:
using the pronoun 'you' to address the reader directly is a sign of second-person pov. i doubt it's correct this way. research.
+ you write in past, but you switched to the present sometimes. you also used the adverb 'now' in the narration, which is a present tense keyword. mind that when you decide to edit.
overall, i don't feel i have much to judge about the writing bc the chapters are short, details are scarce, and i read 3 only.
✿ overall (38/100)
by fixing the formatting, correcting the grammar and doing some research, you'll have fixed 70% of the issues in the book. the rest will come with reading and trying more and more.
for further help, check out my tips corner or my other reviews as you might find notes that can help you too! 🤗
thank you for stopping by! happy writing! ❤