dream's point of view
When I heard the bass of the music echoing in my bones, I started to regret agreeing to go to that party.
But now I had to go through with it, there was no turning back.
At least, my two closest friends were with me and I quickly threw a gaze at them. I was walking in the middle while Sapnap was on my left and George on my right.
They constantly checked on me by inspecting every slight movement on my face and it really got annoying by now.
But I didn't want to snap at them when they actually just wanted me to be comfortable. It was tempting, though.
The closer we got to the huge house where the party obviously took place, the more nervous I got. Sweat started to form on my palms while my hands themselves were cold. I anxiously bit my bottom lip, soon tasting the metallic scent of blood.
I hadn't realized I had been walking slower until both Nick and George confusedly spun their heads around.
"You good man?", Sap asked and I quickly nodded. I had to show him I could do this.
You can't, don't you see that?
Shaking off the thought, I hurried to catch up to my friends. Again, we walked in silence, everyone in their own head.
Eventually, we reached the front door of the house, seeing a black clothed man with an in-ear headset standing outside of it. Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he rose one eyebrow.
"Names?", he asked with a deep, sharp voice.
"Sapnap, Dream and Gogy," I whispered, hearing George chuckle silently. Goosebumps coated my body almost instantly and a smile creeped onto my lips.
His laugh is so cute.
Wait what?
I had to pull myself together!
On the other hand... a few nights ago, he had kissed me. Again.
The question I asked myself ever since was why. Why did he do it again when he clearly regretted the first kiss? Why did he do it in the first place? And why did it feel so damn good? So...right?
Nick told the doorman our names and after checking the list of guests, he waved us in.
Warm, stuffy air and too loud music welcomed us as we shoved ourselves through the laughing and dancing bodies around us.
I didn't like to have so much physical contact to strangers, but there was no other way to cross the room and maybe get somewhere more empty.
I murmured a few sorry's and excuse me's while making my way behind Nick and George.
A few minutes later, we finally found ourselves a bit aside of the sillily moving crowd and I took a deep breath. Everything in me screamed to go back home, but I kept quiet.
Neither George nor Sap moved from my side, a tensed silence falling over the three of us. I uncomfortably cleared my throat.
"You- can go, you know that, right?", I finally said, my voice the perfect mixture of irony and happiness. It should've scared me how good I had become at lying, but I honestly was just glad. It would save me a lot of questions.
Nick shrugged and didn't say a word. He just continued staring around and I sighed.
"Fine. Then I will get us some drinks," I announced, already standing up and throwing an expecting gaze at my friends. "Any wishes?"
George shook his head. "Nah, just get what you think."
I nodded and mentally prepared to push myself through sweating strangers again. Luckily, the music had changed from some remix to a slower pop song, which caused many people to leave the dance floor to take a break or grab a drink. That meant the way to the bar was reasonably empty, but the queue in front of it wasn't.
Unwillingly, I enqueued myself and hoped instantly, the barkeepers would be quick.
My eyes unfocused and I could feel my thoughts drift away.
Again, they moved towards the topic that already had kept me thinking on the way to this party.
The kiss.
I could still feel George's soft lips be gently pressed against my own, moving slightly and erasing every negative thought in my mind until the only thing connecting me to reality was him.
When he kissed me, there were no problems. When he kissed me, I felt nothing but love. There were no doubts, everything which was slowly killing me inside got blown away. Just like that.
And yet he didn't seem to be bothered by it as much as I was. Maybe he'd only done it because it was the only thing left he could think of that could possibly calm me down?
I swallowed hardly, feeling sadness rush through my body at the thought.
To my relief, it was now my turn to order drinks at the bar. That didn't help my pulse calm down at all, but at least it distracted me from my thoughts.
Look at who needs help from outside again to distance from his thoughts!
Not now, please.
Backing away again, huh? Haven't you learned anything during the last weeks?
I blinked repeatedly in order to shake away my thoughts, but it didn't work out.
The music around me switched to a light-hearted pop song again, causing people to head to the dance floor again and standing in bizarre contrast to my panicking mind.
The barkeeper impatiently cleared his throat, throwing me a questioning glare while the people behind me slowly started to shout at me.
Get your shit together, Clay!, I mentally screamed at myself.
My eyes flickered to the man behind the counter, then striping over the little crowd in the queue behind me, before gluing themselves to the floor. My steps felt odd, when I hastily walked away from the bar, almost as if I hadn't walked in years.
As soon as I had brought enough distance between the bar and me, I started to calm down. On the contrary, the anger towards myself increased with every passing second.
How the fuck do you want to live if you can't even order a simple drink, dipshit?
The muscles on my jaw tensed and I only knew my lip had been in between my teeth when I felt the metallic taste of blood on my tongue.
Right now, I definitely didn't feel ready to go back to my friends, so I just stood where I was, unsure of what to do next.
A group of giggling people walked past me, tablets with the typical red plastic cups in their hands.
A girl walked up to me and smiled.
"You look thirsty, darling," she snickered and handed me a cup.
I mumbled a thanks, even though the last thing I wanted was to talk to her. Luckily, she hadn't intended to do so and continued to walk into the dancing crowd as soon as she had made sure I took a sip.
The alcohol prickled in my throat and I grimaced at the bitter taste. Something in me convinced me to finish the rest of the shot anyways.
Getting drunk was better than getting harassed by your own thoughts, wasn't it?
Looking back, I maybe should've decided differently, but I was tired of feeling this way. Feeling disgusting and fat, feeling like a pathetic piece of shit and above all, feeling rejected not only once but twice.
Decidedly, I grabbed two more drinks the next time I saw someone transporting tablets with red plastic cups on them.
I greedily gulped the clear liquid in them, probably pure vodka, enjoying the numbness that followed a good fifteen minutes later.
A giddy feeling rose in my stomach, crawling to the top and making a dumb laugh slip out of my mouth.
Another shot. Then another.
I made my way through the mass of persons, not caring about it this time. When I reached the dance floor, I chuckled at the sight of all those moving bodies, joining them after a few more seconds.
Alcohol got handed around and I soon lost count of the shots I drank. Everything that counted was the fun I had. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I felt this detached, was it weeks ago or years?
Whatever.
Cool liquid running down my throat, music, dancing.
The guy next to me threw his hands up in the air, accidentally punching my face and throwing my head to the side. For a moment, everything turned into the very wrong direction, causing me to stumble.
In the next second, I lied on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. I circuitous got up again, returning to dancing.
Red and green lights flashed over the crowd, making them cheer and scream happily.
My throat felt strangely dry, I needed a drink. When I let my gaze wander through the people around me, I tried to spot the characteristic red cups, failing miserably.
Sighing annoyedly, I left the dance floor, hoping to find a abandoned drink that could magically find its way into my stomach.
"Clay! I've been looking for you for the past two hours! Are you crazy to just disappear?!", a voice angrily shouted at me, sending waves of pain through my dizzy head. I pressed my hands against my ears to stop the loud sound from hurting me.
"Shorry," I muttered. What was this person's problem?
"Jesus, how much did you drink?!" The voice snapped and I tried to figure out whether it was Sap or George.
I shrugged as a response. I wasn't even lying, I really didn't remember.
Two hands placed themselves on my shoulders, shaking me slightly.
"Clay, answer me! God, one really can't leave you alone just a second!"
It was Nick, I was pretty sure.
"Calm down, is jus alcol," I babbled, struggling to pronounce the words clearly.
Sapnap buried his head in his palms for a moment, before he looked back up at me.
"Stay where you are, I can't do this alone," he ordered and already wanted to leave me when I held him back on his sleeve.
I pulled him very close so I could whisper into his ear.
"I wanna tell you a secret!" I giggled, amused by the funny sound he made.
Or was it me?
"Clay, this is not-", Sap began, trying to bring some distance in between us, but even though I was drunk, I could easily hold him near me.
"But you have to promise me not to tell George," I whispered, a smile tucking on my lips. Nick's muscles tensed and he froze in place.
"I don't think this is a very good idea considering the amount of alcohol you drank, Dream," he declined. I furrowed my eyebrows. I just wanted to tell him something, why was he being so weird?
"That's mean," I replied, pushing my lower lip forward.
Sapnap sighed defeated and stopped trying to squirm out of my grip. I could feel he didn't like to do this, but he realized I wouldn't stop until he did what I wanted.
"So? What is it?" he asked, an annoyed tone colouring his voice.
"Promise it first," I ordered strictly. It probably didn't seem as strict as I wanted, due to the alcohol that was paralysing my tongue.
Nick looked at me as if I spoke German.
"Promise what?"
I rolled my eyes. Who was the drunk one? He couldn't even remember what I said just seconds ago!
"Not to tell George, dumbass."
Again, laughter shook me, this time I could actually not find the reason why.
"Okay, okay," Sapnap eventually gave in and I smiled widely.
"I love him. George, you know. I love him, but he doesn't love me back. He always acts like he does, but then he treats me like garbage again" I paused and let a giggle escape my mouth, half sad and half funny.
"Clay, I-", Nick began, but got interrupted by another familiar voice, saying "Oh thank god you found him!"
I spun around, a terrible suspicion forming in the back of my head, slowly and carefully making its way to the top.
Right in front of me stood Sapnap.
Fuck.