chapter forty six
{ unedited }
ALICE WAS BACK AT THE SCHOOL HOPING THAT SHE WASN'T GOING TO GET IN TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR MISSING SOME OF HER CLASSES. It was currently lunch and Alice was looking for Ruby to talk to her and explain everything. No matter how much Ruby ignored Alice, the Milburn would make sure they get a chance to talk.
The sign was dangling around her neck as she walked into the canteen, not having found Ruby at the back of the school or the front. She didn't know where else to look. Alice was relieved to see Ruby sitting at one of the tables, Olivia and Anwar beside her. Alice knew that now she wouldn't be able to talk to Ruby alone at this point but she deserved it for walking out on her when Ruby did give her that chance.
"Ruby―" Alice had reached the table, standing in front of the three. The moment she opened her mouth three heads snapped in her direction, two of anger and one of disappointment. Strangely, Alice found the disappointment from Ruby worse than the anger from the other two.
"What do you want, Milburn?" Anwar snapped, cutting her off. Alice ignored him as she kept her gaze on Ruby. The girl had dropped her fork to look up at Alice, her arms crossing over her chest.
"I didn't choose Maeve over you," Alice started to explain. "I know it seems that way but I didn't. I chose a three year old toddler that was taken away from somewhere where she was supposed to be safe. I didn't choose Maeve so can we talk?"
"Whatever you wanna say, you can say it in front of these two." Alice expected that much but she wasn't going to waste this chance now that she was given the chance to do so. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say, she was just going to talk until she got her point across. It's not like anyone could drag her away and there was still a half hour until lunch was over.
"Nothing happened in France. Maeve and I talked when the coach ditched us, yeah, but that was all. I fell asleep using my bag as a pillow and Maeve must've moved me when I did fall asleep so I was resting on her lap instead. That's all that happened."
"You could've woken up and pushed her away."
"Don't you think that's a little unreasonable?" Alice asked, annoyance bubbling up. "I was tired after spending the night with you. 'Course I wasn't gonna wake up from something as small as that."
Ruby opened her mouth but paused as if finding logic in Alice's words. That didn't last long as she continued to speak. "You looked at her when Kyle was talking about telling the people you love that you love them."
Alice wasn't aware that Ruby saw that. "That's not because I love her. It's because she told me that she loved me before the coach came back. You know how I feel about you."
"Do I? Doesn't seem like it."
"Why are you doubting―"
"Alice Milburn!" Alice sighed when hearing Hope, too close to her than Alice liked considering how loud her voice was. Alice looked over her shoulder to the woman, raising a brow as she waited for her to continue. "You skipped three classes."
"Can we talk later? I'm busy." Alice attempted to turn to Ruby to continue their conversation but Hope grabbed her arm, twisting her around to face her. "Pretty sure putting your hands on a student is illegal."
"I told you to not make attendance a problem."
"I doubt half a day is going to put a blip in your stats. Now, I'm trying to have a conversation with someone―" Alice had started to turn to Ruby but Hope stopped her, moving to stand in front of Alice once she had turned. Alice could feel her annoyance turn into anger with everyone interrupting her talk with Ruby.
The canteen had gone silent now, all attention on her with everyone's eyes on her. Alice hated it. She hated that everyone was looking at them and found interest in Hope torturing her students yet again. She was sick of it all.
"You will listen to me when I'm talking to you," Hope said, her tone condescending. Alice huffed as she crossed her arms to stop fiddling with her fingers as she looked up at the older woman. "I know you don't care about your future but I―"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Alice asked coldly, glaring up at the woman. It wasn't like it wasn't true but Alice didn't understand why Hope would say something like this when she knew nothing about Alice.
"Well, it's obvious. You're an addict, Milburn, you don't care about what will happen in the future because you're not going to live that long."
"I'm getting better," Alice said, echoing the words from this morning but this time with more persuasion behind it. Hope didn't know her and she was acting like she did because of one stupid thing Otis said. Again and again, it was Otis who caused this by the video going around. If it wasn't for the video, Hope wouldn't be so microaggressive towards her.
"No, you're not. You have no self-control and you don't care about yourself or anybody else in this school." That was also a lie. Alice cared about Ruby and, reluctantly, Olivia and Anwar too. "You may not care about the students and this school but I do. I'm not going to have someone like you ruining it all for me. I have worked hard to make this school what it is and you're not going to take it from me."
Alice noticed how Hope's voice rose when she said someone like you. An addict. Hope kept saying it like it was a bad thing but Alice didn't think so. It's not like she chose for her to become an addict. She just got introduced to something harmful when she was young and got addicted to that instead of something other teens would be like phones, games or makeup.
"What it is?" Alice scoffed. "This school has gone to shit since you've been in charge. At least before people were happy. Now they're just scared so they'll do what you want so you don't embarrass them in front of the school. It is the worst school in all of England but you're right, it is your doing. You made this place a shithole."
"I gave this place potential! I can't say the same about you though. You're just an alcoholic and a drug addict and you will be for the rest of your life. You'll fail at university, probably end up with a minimum wage paying job and stay an addict till it finally kills you."
"Okay," Alice chuckled bitterly as she grabbed her sign. "That what this was for? 'Cause you think I'm going to be an addict till I die? Well, that's bullshit. I'm doing better." Alice pulled it off, holding it in her hands as Hope tutted, tapping her foot against the ground.
"Put the sign back on."
"What, this sign?" Alice said, holding it up and shaking it lightly. Hope nodded and repeated her demand which caused Alice to shake her head. "Fuck your sign." Alice didn't care for the consequences when she gripped the sign with two hands, tight as possible and swung it forward, satisfied when it hit Hope's head and snapped in two with a loud crack that echoed around the otherwise quiet canteen.
As much as that satisfied her, Alice could feel her anger take over. She was angry that Ruby was being unreasonable and dramatic, she was angry Maeve dragged her into this stuff and was now acting like Alice was the bad guy, she was angry that nothing was going her way.
Hope being her usual self wasn't helping.
Alice tossed the side of the sign she was holding and grabbed a fistful of Hope's hair with one hand, pulling it so Hope's head tilted back and punched Hope hard as she could in her face. She came back to reality when her hand started to hurt, letting go of the yelling woman as she cradled her hand. It hurt but it felt good when she saw the blood dripping from Hope's nose, her eyes full of fear.
"Get out of my school!" Hope yelled, cupping her now bleeding nose. Alice didn't have to be told twice. She could already feel everyone staring at her, whispering about her and she heard the word addict one too many times.
Alice let her gaze drift to Ruby who was still sitting behind Hope, her satisfaction of her previous actions fading away when seeing the fear on her face as she looked at Alice, the other half of the sign in front of her. If Alice had the chance to fix things before, she lost it now. She was quick to look away from the girl she was unsure was still her girlfriend or not.
"Gladly."
Alice kept her head up high as she left that canteen, hearing Hope yell that she was expelled but Alice didn't care. She couldn't bring herself to do so. All she cared about was Ruby and Alice had fucked that up now too.
In the end, Jean was right.
Four hours. Four hours it had been since Alice had walked out of that school and she was regretting not picking up her phone on the way out. She was hoping that even with Ruby mad at her, she would still bring the phone for her.
She jumped up from her sofa when the doorbell rang, rushing to open it and felt relief washing over her when seeing it was Ruby on the other end. She was holding out Alice's phone, not meeting her eyes. Alice took it with a thanks and Ruby nodded shortly before turning to leave.
"Are you not going to stay?" Alice asked, holding onto the door as she leaned out, watching as Ruby walked down the hallway. The younger girl froze and spoke without turning to Alice.
"I should get home."
"Can I come with you?" Alice asked, not giving up on trying to talk to the girl who was supposed to be her girlfriend. She didn't want this joust to keep going on. She wanted to have this conversation and get it over with so they could move on and things would get better.
Alice needed this fight, if it could be called that, to be over.
"No."
"We have to finish our conversation at some point." Ruby finally turned to Alice and walked to the door, stopping in front of the older girl who didn't bother hiding her small smile when Ruby met her eyes.
"I'll finish it now. I'm breaking up with you." That made Alice's smile short-lived as it left her face. "Do you still want to talk about this instead or can I go now?"
"I want to talk about this because what you're doing is ridiculous." Alice stumbled slightly when Ruby pushed her way into the apartment and Alice closed the door behind her. "We're not breaking up," she said as Ruby turned to face her.
"Yes, we are."
"No, we're not," Alice repeated as she walked closer to the girl. "This is one disagreement. One fight. One that we can work through if you give us the chance instead of being so stubborn."
"We can't work through this," Ruby said. She sounded so sure about this that it made Alice falter, her body stopping for a few moments until she continued to speak.
"What can't we work out then? What can't we work through?" Alice couldn't lose Ruby without giving a fight and if that fight was finding out what the reason they have to break up and figure out a reason to fix it.
Alice couldn't lose Ruby.
She would do anything to avoid that. Ruby had become a huge deal in her life and Alice couldn't lose her. If they broke up, that would most likely be the result and Alice was unsure if she could deal with that. Staying sober was already hard enough and Ruby was her anchor. Ruby was the reason Alice lasted this long and Alice didn't want to lose that or Ruby.
She couldn't.
"I can't be with someone who has feelings for someone else. I don't care if you say that your feelings for Maeve don't matter but it does to me. I can't be with you when you love her. I thought I was okay with it but I'm not."
Alice was growing more annoyed with Maeve for causing this whole thing now that she found out that, once again, Maeve was the reason. If the girl just could've left Alice alone this whole fight could've been avoided. She and Ruby would've been fine.
"I've told you so many times how I feel for her doesn't matter and won't change anything between us. Don't you trust me?" Ruby didn't answer and her eyes drifted from Alice, causing the older girl's eyes to dim with sadness and pain. "You don't trust me," she said quietly, her voice strained. "How can you love me if you don't trust me?"
"Because you don't love me. You love Maeve."
"That's not true," Alice said, shaking her head lightly as she walked to Ruby. She tried to reach for Ruby's hands but the girl took a step back, making Alice freeze with her lips parting slightly. Ruby didn't even trust her enough to let her hold her hand?
"Yes, it is. You don't love me―"
"I do," Alice interrupted. She didn't realise it earlier but with everything going on the past few days she knew she loves Ruby. Nothing else could hurt this much, play at her mind this much, make her feel this much. What else other than love can make it feel like there was glass digging into her throat, stomach and heart when they were on bad terms? Alice loves Ruby and that's all she knew was true.
"Say it, then. If you love me, say it." Alice opened her mouth but the words got caught in her throat, annoying both her and Ruby. Why was it so hard to say when it was true? Alice loves her and would do anything to keep her in her life but she couldn't seem to get the words out. That, however, didn't make it any less true. "See, you can't even―"
"I love you!" It shocked both Alice and Ruby, the younger girl's mouth opening slightly as she gasped softly. Alice attempted to reach for Ruby's hands but she was quick to snatch them away.
"You don't mean that."
"Yes, I do," Alice said softly as she took a step closer to Ruby. "I love you. I'm with you. I want to be with you. I love you, Ruby and I'm dating you because you're the one I want to be with! Not her! Never her. It's you I want to start my days with, spend the night with, never be away from. I love you and I swear that's true."
"That doesn't matter because I don't feel the same way." Alice shook her head again, this time more frantic as she tried to hold onto Ruby who refused to allow that to happen. Alice didn't believe that. She wouldn't believe that.
"Y―you're lying," Alice whispered as tears collected in her eyes, her heart feeling like it had dropped to her stomach and left a void that was growing with every second Alice looked at the look Ruby was giving her. The look that was empty of its usual warmness. "You...you just told me you love me a few days ago. Y―you don't mean that. You don't mean that."
"Even if I didn't, I can't be with someone so aggressive. You hurt Hope, Alice. You punched her and broke her nose. I can't be with someone who would do something like that."
"I would never hurt you."
"You already have in the past. What's to say you won't again in the future?" Ruby pointed out and this time it felt like Alice's heart broke into hundreds of pieces. Ruby had never used that against Alice before and, now that she had, all Alice felt was despair. "Hope was right about one thing, Alice, you're an addict. Your behaviour can't be predicted and you're always going to go back to what you're used to. That's violence, drugs and alcohol."
This was the first time Ruby had used that against her. Everyone else, they'd all use Alice's addiction against her but this was the first time Ruby had done so. Alice thought that Ruby would never do something like this but now she was proven wrong. She thought Ruby was better. She was sure of it. But, like everyone else in her life has done so at least once in the past, Ruby was judging her for something she couldn't control and was now using it against her.
"I'm...I'm not a violent person," Alice disagreed quietly, her voice choking up as she felt like her throat was being squeezed as she tried to keep herself from crying. She couldn't cry now. She couldn't because if she did, she wasn't sure she'll be able to stop. "I...I'm not. Hope, she deserved that but I would never hurt you. I wouldn't. I would never hurt you. What happened in the past...I made a mistake, Ruby. I'm not going to do that again. You know that."
"Do I? What if in the future you think I deserve it and hurt me then?"
"N―no." Alice hated how weak she sounded with her voice shaking as she tried to grab Ruby's hand again, a strangled sort of noise leaving her mouth when Ruby took another step back. "I would never think you deserve that."
Ruby didn't say anything.
"So...is this us breaking up?" Alice couldn't stop the tears rolling down her cheeks, her cries silent as she waited for Ruby to answer. Ruby's eyes were now teared up as she nodded.
"It is." Alice wondered if she looked as sorrowful as Ruby sounded. Alice was silent as Ruby gave her one last kiss on the cheek and a dejected look before leaving the apartment, maybe for the last time now.
As the door closed behind Ruby, Alice fell to the floor with her hands resting against it for support to keep herself up, her cries no longer silent. One by one, all the insecurities and fears that Ruby helped destroy came back twice as painful as they used to be. It was funny. Alice promised to never hurt Ruby but it was Ruby who hurt her and Alice had never felt more alone.