JJ sat on the bleachers, starting to get cold as she looked around, waiting for her raven-haired girlfriend to come into her vision. As she took deep breaths, filling her lungs with the crisp almost-winter air, she attempted to calm herself. Breathe in — one, two, three, four — and breathe out — one, two, three, four. The breathing exercise taught to her by her high school therapist settled her nerves only slightly. She was wound tighter than an elastic band and she feared the second she saw Emily she would snap.
It was her first official date with her new girlfriend. JJ checked her watch. Only a minute had passed. She took another deep breath.
They had been together—as a couple—for a few weeks at this point. Their friendship had spanned over three months, yet she had butterflies in her stomach as if it was the first time she'd ever seen Emily. Getting together right before finals season was probably not the best plan, as their 'dates' had mostly been of the studying type so far.
Now, with all of their exams behind them, JJ and Emily had one real night together before they parted ways for winter break. It was JJ's idea to call it their first date, a decision she was regretting, as it put so much more pressure on them.
They were together , but their relationship hadn't really been tested. So far, it had just been friends with kissing, sex, and feelings. What if the date was awkward? What if they ran out of things to talk about? What if JJ revealed how weird she could be, and Emily finally realized that she was too cool for her and walked away?
JJ tried to centre herself with another deep breath. Her anxiety wasn't going to send her into a tailspin today, it wasn't the time. At least, that's what she told herself, but her heart was definitely beating harder than it needed to be.
She looked around to distract herself. It was a nice day despite the freezing weather, with the ground having received a hefty dusting of snow throughout the week. It was around three in the afternoon and the sun was already starting to set, bathing the whole city in a golden light and warming JJ's face ever so slightly.
In front of her was the community ice rink, built in a nearby park and outfitted in a festive winter market. To her left was the community booth, renting skates and monitoring the rink to make sure no one was roughhousing. On one side of the ice rink were stalls that sold hot chocolate and snacks, and beyond that were local vendors selling assorted handmade goods. String lights were strung overhead, connected to trees and making the whole scene ethereal.
Ice skating was something that always made her heart ache, with Ros' love for it still fresh in her mind, but when Emily asked her to meet here, JJ couldn't say no.
With the holidays fast approaching, it was busy with people shopping, skating, or just walking through to take photos in the festive setting. The park was downtown, only a few minutes off campus, but close enough for JJ to come straight here after picking up her present for Emily.
It took her most of the afternoon to find something perfect. Christmas was way more challenging than Emily's birthday back in November, because this time, it wasn't a group present. It was from JJ. Not just from JJ (Emily's friend) it was from JJ (Emily's girlfriend), which felt like a bigger deal. She had it tucked away in her bag with a note on the parcel that read: "Save for Christmas Day."
She wondered what Emily would get her. Would it be something perfect? Something too expensive that would make JJ's gift look lame? Something thoughtful and caring? An inside joke? A French-English dictionary? Who knew.
They had promised to wait until Christmas to open their gifts for each other, so she would have to wait and see.
JJ looked around, craning her neck to try and spot her girlfriend. She checked her watch; she was still three minutes early for when they said they'd meet up.
Then, right in front of her, a young boy tumbled and fell on his knees. As the closest almost-adult in the vicinity, JJ clamoured over to help him to his feet. Hoisting him up by the arms, she set him back onto the edge of the rink, assessing him for damage.
"You okay, little man?" She asked him. He nodded solemnly then took off without a mere glance back at her. JJ smiled as she watched him power skate, continuing without fear of falling again.
"Skate faster Jenny," Ros had yelled back at her, as JJ struggled to keep up with her much more coordinated sister, "If you go too slow, you're going to fall!"
JJ didn't have a chance to sit back down before she heard Emily's voice greeting her.
"Hey you," Emily said, her smile wide and her cheeks red from the winter air. She was bundled up in her puffy coat, with her red scarf around her neck. Red always made her look beautiful.
JJ went in for a hug, which surprised her. It was awkward. When they pulled apart, JJ found herself hesitating before she kissed her girlfriend.
Instead of the romantic kiss she was used to, they bumped noses and fumbled the whole thing. It ended up being more of a peck on the lips.
JJ felt very exposed. Everyone could see them. They weren't just holding hands under the table at the library, or kissing in front of their friends. It was in public. In front of strangers.
"Hey," JJ answered lamely once they pulled apart.
"You hungry?" Emily asked, pushing past any awkwardness and taking JJ's arm in hers, leading her towards a restaurant that overlooked the square. It was clearly fancy and had a long name in Italian that JJ was certain that she couldn't pronounce if she tried.
"Starved," JJ lied. In fact, her stomach was too full of butterflies to think about eating.
She glanced at Emily out of the corner of her eye. She looked beautiful, like always, but slightly more polished. Her eyeliner wasn't over the top today, but came out to a point along her eyelid. Her lips were red and her hair was curled slightly. JJ wondered if Emily thought she looked good, too. JJ's hair was straight, tucked behind her ears. She wore makeup, but it never looked as polished as Emily's.
Emily greeted the hostess once they arrived. The woman wore a black cocktail dress and had a perpetual half-smile that felt condescending.
They sat down at the table and looked at each other, a tense silence hanging over them. Their coats were draped over the back of their chairs— Emily's peacoat blended in while JJ's blue puffer jacket made it seem like she had just come from a camping trip.
Everything felt so formal . There was a candle. The waiters wore suits. JJ felt incredibly underdressed and out of place. Emily hadn't warned her that they were coming here. This restaurant had a reputation of being the kind of place where you brought your rich parents, or a date you wanted to impress. JJ was surprised that Emily considered her someone that she wanted to impress.
Emily was certainly impressive herself, wearing a black over the shoulder shirt that came low in the front, showing off her collar bones and her cleavage. JJ took her in, the warmth flushing her face and chest in an attractive blush. Her black hair fell over her shoulders, while slightly obscuring some dainty earrings . Her nails were painted black, as usual, and her lips were red and kissable. JJ was tempted to do so, but reaching over the table seemed awkward.
Thankfully, JJ had also dressed up for her date. She wore a decidedly less-sexy outfit, opting for a light blue blouse with a white flower pattern. It was definitely out of her purview as she had spent most of her relationship with Emily wearing athleisure.
Her girlfriend was confident and seemingly relaxed, but JJ could sense the tension in her posture. Gone was the wise cracking, easygoing girl she was yesterday. In her place was the poised, overly formal girl that JJ had imagined from Emily's stories about her past.
She ordered a Shirley Temple, which probably was childish at such a nice restaurant, but what was she going to do? Order wine? They weren't actually in Italy. Emily ordered fizzy water. A heat creeped onto JJ's face, leaving her cheeks red and palms sweaty.
She had been to fancy restaurants before; her grandmother brought her and Ros to one when she was nine, and JJ had ordered a pasta dish and was scolded for being a messy eater. But in the last decade or so? The fanciest place she'd been was an Olive Garden.
They sat in silence for a moment too long after the waiter left.
"So-" they both tried to say at once, interrupting each other.
"You go.." "Sorry!" "I-" "You-"
They both kept interrupting the other, neither girl managing to get a word in. JJ clamped her mouth shut and gestured with her hands for Emily to speak.
"Sorry," Emily muttered, her cheeks flushed. "I was just going to ask how your day went."
"Fine," JJ said. "I, uh, packed a bit for home then came here."
She immediately kicked herself. She looked away. Come on, Jennifer, you need to actually participate in this conversation.
"Oh nice," Emily replied. "Same."
"Right," JJ managed.
Another awkward silence.
The waiter brought their drinks with a polite, but slightly disdainful expression on his face.
The din of the restaurant revealed how everyone else there seemed to have something interesting to talk about. Families chatting about their lives, friends gossiping, business partners discussing work... couples talking about anything and everything, all rubbing it into JJ's face that she couldn't even think of something interesting to say to her literal girlfriend.
Emily fidgeted with her straw, stirring her drink awkwardly.
"It's a nice day out," JJ blurted. The weather, great, she scolded herself, how interesting.
"It's supposed to snow later," Emily replied.
Another silence. Was it awkward this time? JJ couldn't tell. Her heart was beating fast. She was panicking.
"Yeah."
Say something, Emily, JJ tried to telepathically communicate with Emily in a moment of sheer desperation, but the waiter returned to take their orders.
"What may I get for you ladies?" the waiter asked. JJ hadn't even looked at the menu yet.
"Can you give us another moment?" Emily asked him smoothly. He nodded and took his leave.
JJ looked at the menu, her eyes widened at the cost. $60 for charcuterie? $45 for a vegetable pasta? JJ couldn't afford this. She gulped.
Emily's eyes were keenly fixed on JJ.
"Are you ok?"
JJ nodded.
"You know I'll pay for it," Emily assured her. Maybe JJ's telepathic communication actually worked. "You can order anything you want."
"I wouldn't want-"
"JJ seriously," Emily said. "Is everything alright?"
JJ nodded sharply, though Emily paying for this pricey dinner felt anything but fine.
"Why don't we just go?" Emily said after a long pause. "I mean, this —" she gestured at the white tablecloth and the candle and the fancy menu "— isn't us. Let's get outta here. I've never felt awkward with you in my life before now."
JJ let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, smiling at her girlfriend.
"Yeah this might be a bit too much," she laughed.
"Sorry," Emily laughed, "my bad. I just wanted to impress you."
"You wanted to impress me?" JJ exclaimed. "I wanted to impress you but I thought I was letting you down. This is just all your world, and I didn't feel like I belonged here."
"My world!" Emily put a hand to her chest dramatically. "You wound me! I hate this sort of thing, honestly."
"Then why are we here?" JJ laughed.
"Dunno," Emily admitted, "you said date and this felt like a date spot. I'm sorry."
JJ relaxed and laughed with Emily. This was her girlfriend. A smile brightened her face as she finally felt a bit more normal.
"Tacos?" Emily asked with a grin before slapping some bills down onto the table to pay for their drinks and a nice tip, and they grabbed their coats and scurried out.
Neither saw the waiter look at them with bemusement as he watched the two girls flee.
"Sorry that was so bad," Emily said, taking JJ's hand in hers. "I honestly didn't think it would be that nice. I should've known when we walked in, and I saw my freshman year World History professor. He's tenured."
"It's ok Em," JJ said. "No more fancy restaurants, ok? Unless you're proposing, I guess."
That last bit just came out without warning. JJ's eyes widened at the implications of her own words, and glanced nervously over to Emily, who didn't seem too fazed.
"But then you'll know I'm proposing, that ruins the surprise," she said, luckily considering the conversation as more of a hypothetical than a revelation that JJ has considered the possibility of marriage after only a few weeks of dating.
JJ had barely come out to anyone yet and she was already thinking like a UHaul lesbian. Or UHaul bisexual. Or whatever she was.
A few minutes later, they ate their tacos side by side, sitting on the sidewalk. JJ's bare hands were cold from the frosty air but the spicy sauce was making her mouth feel like it was on fire so it all balanced out.
As soon as they left the grips of the fancy restaurant atmosphere, conversation flowed. They chatted about how funny it was that their RA was keeping her love affair with their friend Rossi a secret, about JJ's soccer friend's complete inability to cope with JJ's relationship with Emily, and the funny thing that Spencer had said the other day. They unpacked their friends Derek and Penelope's new relationship, and how bad the two of them were at hiding it. They talked about the courses they were planning on taking the next semester, the possibility of switching into the same class so that they could sit together, which somehow devolved into an in-depth discussion of the logistics of why the vampires in Twilight chose to be perpetual high school students, but neither girl remembered how they got there.
They traded tacos, trying each other's choices, despite having completely different tastes. JJ made a face at the amount of pickles Emily somehow had on her chicken tacos, and washed it away with a gulp of the fizzy mango juice she had gotten on the side.
"You like that?!" JJ demanded, handing it back and making a face. Emily had added just about every topping onto her dinner, shocking even the employee who took her order.
"You don't?" Emily countered, raising an eyebrow as she took a bite of JJ's own custom taco.
JJ shook her head. Emily was weird. And JJ liked her a lot. Not despite this, because of this.
Emily winced as the hot sauce hit her tongue. Then, it was JJ's turn to laugh at her suffering through her food choices. She let Emily have some of her soda to cool her mouth down. It didn't seem to work.
"How can you deal with that much spice?" Emily wheezed.
JJ shrugged. She liked hot sauce. And hot Cheetos. She just did.
The sun was beginning to set, and the golden light made Emily's hair shine. Emily smiled back at her when she noticed JJ's eyes on her, which managed to light up her face even more.
She began to shiver slightly as they finished up dinner, and JJ realized she needed to get moving to warm up. They put their taco boxes in the recycling, then Emily led JJ towards the glow of the market across the street, near where JJ met up with Emily earlier in the evening.
Heat lamps warmed the cobblestone square, and soon the chilly winter night was tolerable.
"Is this part of your plan?" JJ asked.
"No, but this is better," Emily replied, bumping her shoulder against JJ's.
JJ decided that she liked dating Emily. Was dating just this? Doing fun things with her new girlfriend? She hadn't really had fun on a date before.
Holding hands, they walked through the fair, stopping at the stalls to take a look at the miscellaneous gifts for sale. Hand-poured candles, apple cider in jugs, and intricate ornaments were offered by local farmers and artisans. String lights glowed overhead, leaving the whole courtyard bathed in a warm glow as the day turned to night.
It was busy; many students and locals were getting their Christmas shopping in that evening. A buzz of conversation filled the space, but JJ could hear the voices of the carolers ringing out over the din.
JJ felt very... visible. It wasn't a bad feeling, per se, but the comfort she felt with her hand in Emily's was clashing with the butterflies in her stomach at the fact that others also saw them together. Emily, on the other hand, did not seem to notice, as she was looking at the holiday-themed cat toys at the stall in front of them.
"I want a cat," she mused. "I wish we could have them in the dorms."
"You could sneak one in," JJ joked. "I bet Strauss wouldn't even notice."
Emily's eyes widened at the possibility, which made JJ wonder if Emily knew that she was trying to pull her leg with the comment.
"Babe please don't adopt a cat right now," JJ said before Emily could fall down the rabbit hole of thinking about the logistics of having a secret cat in their on-campus accommodations. "Maybe we can move off-campus next year."
We.
We!
We?
JJ stopped in her tracks at her own words. Had she just said "we"? About living with Emily? JJ stuttered, unsure of how Emily was going to take it, but after a glance at her girlfriend, JJ realized that Emily hadn't even registered the Freudian slip, still distracted by thoughts of a cat as she handled a small reindeer shaped cat toy on a string.
She relaxed, but still kicked herself internally. She couldn't go around talking long-term, not yet. First engagements now living together? It'd been a month. Calm down.
"Yeah maybe," Emily mused. "Would be fun trying to sneak that past Strauss though."
With that, they continued through the market, hand in hand. They picked up some hot chocolate, then JJ bought a small present for her mother—a pretty watercolour painting of a garden in a wooden frame—before walking towards the skating rink.
Then JJ's eyes caught at a stall near the rink. Jewelry glittered in the low light, arranged on the table and dangling from a tree branch-turned necklace rack. JJ wandered over, admiring the delicate craftsmanship in the bracelets and earrings. Holly and tinsel were used to decorate the table, making the whole display a bit chaotic.
Tucked behind the festive jewelry—which mostly consisted of small reindeer and snowflakes—were simple gold and silver pendants. Two matching ones stood out to her: they were golden with enamel inlay for the design. Birds. Or rather blackbirds to be specific.
Reaching out, she held the delicate jewelry in her hand, fawning over them.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night," Emily sang softly under her breath, her hand still in JJ's, looking down at the necklaces.
"They're perfect," JJ replied. They both discovered their musical love for the song a long time ago, when they were first becoming friends. They had shared headphones at the library once, during one of their many tutoring sessions that turned into study dates. When the song had come on, both girls began to hum along.
"We'll get them," Emily said to the lady behind the stall, without a second thought, and pulled out her wallet.
"Wait really?" JJ remarked.
"Of course," she said. "It's our first date, we need a souvenir for it. Besides, the gold on this one will match the one you always wear!"
JJ reached up to clutch at the heart shaped golden necklace that Ros had given her right before she died.
As soon as she paid (and after she took off her gloves), Emily took one of the new necklaces and offered to put it on for JJ, moving her blonde hair out of the way softly and clasping the ends together.
JJ did the same for Emily, shocked that she had a girlfriend who wanted something as cheesy as matching jewelry. She couldn't stop smiling.
It sat perfectly on JJ's neck, slightly higher than Ros's pendant, and in the mirror at the stall, JJ could see that they looked nice together.
The necklace looked great on Emily, too; the black enamel looked great with her black hair and outfit. JJ smiled at the thought of the necklaces suiting both girls despite their different aesthetics.
"That reminds me," JJ said, "I have a present for you. Remind me to give it to you when we get back. I don't want you flying away without it."
"Caw caw," Emily said, moving her arms to mimic a bird flying.
JJ hit Emily lightly, laughing at her girlfriend's antics. She clutched at the blackbird hanging around her neck, it was nice having something of Emily close to her heart.
Thanking the shopkeeper, they clasped their hands together once again, and browsed the market some more.
JJ saw some people she recognized at the market: old classmates she didn't know the name of, people she saw around campus, maybe even a barista or two from her favourite cafe. It wasn't until she saw Luke Alvez—lacrosse attackman she'd met once or twice at parties—that she stood still in her tracks.
He was laughing and chatting with the band's violinist in between sets. He was wearing a coat branded with their school's name on the sleeve, JJ had the same one (they were standard issue for varsity athletes), and his friendly smile was clearly contagious as the young woman seemed to be flirting back.
Despite how nice Luke was, seeing him set JJ on edge. What if he saw her? Them? JJ and Emily holding hands? He would tell his teammates, who would tell their friends, who would tell their friends. JJ would be that lesbian soccer player. Kennedy was already weird enough about it, JJ wasn't sure if she could handle her whole team knowing.
She pushed that feeling down. They would find out sooner than later.
"What's wrong?" Emily asked her, noticing the shift in emotions.
JJ centred herself. She was panicking over nothing. JJ was dating a girl. A smart, pretty, caring, funny, amazing girl who she liked a lot. What was wrong about that? Was she ashamed? No. She was proud of Emily. Excited about Emily. JJ was gay, or bi or something. She liked girls. A lot. Specifically Emily.
Did it matter that Luke knew? That the team found out? Not really. It wasn't middle school. People were gay.
Skate faster, Jenny. If you go too slow, you're going to fall.
"Nothing," JJ said, and she wasn't lying this time. Nothing was wrong. She could handle this. "I just saw someone I know."
Then, Luke finally caught her eye, and waved at her good-naturedly. JJ waved back with her free hand, then Emily and her continued on their way, hand in hand.
She sighed. She had blown the interaction way out of proportion.
With it nearing nine in the evening, most of the families had left. The rink was mostly teenagers, students and couples on a night out. Snow fell in large flakes, and lingered in Emily's hair like constellations in the night sky.
"Do you want to skate?" JJ asked, pointing at the rental booth.
Emily was the one to look nervous this time, so JJ squeezed her hand and said: "Come on, it'll be fun!"
Emily looked like a baby deer on skates. Her legs were wobbly and her ankles kept folding into her. Her tall frame–usually elegant and graceful—was sabotaging her and making her nervous on her feet. JJ skated backwards, holding onto both of Emily's gloved hands to steady her. Emily was looking at the ground and inching along, lifting her feet instead of gliding on the ice.
"I'm guessing you've never done this before," JJ said.
"I tried once back when I lived in Kiev, but it didn't end well," Emily admitted. "My wrist was in a cast for the next three months."
"Ouch," JJ commiserated, wincing at the thought of it. "I won't let you fall. I promise."
JJ picked up speed, and soon they were gliding around the rink at a slower-than-average speed. Emily was starting to make tentative strides, propelling herself instead of JJ pulling both of them along. JJ attempted to coach her, but each piece of advice seemed to stress Emily out more, so JJ allowed her to figure it out, supporting her as Emily found her balance.
The speakers were playing Christmas carols, replacing the musicians from earlier with a slightly garbled rendition of Jingle Bells.
"Just kinda push with the side of the blade like this," JJ let go of one of Emily's hands to skate by her side, showing her girlfriend how to accelerate. Emily finally managed to copy her, and soon they were beginning to make good speed.
The rink itself was not that large. It was about half the size of a regular rink, but still fit a considerable amount of skaters. It was a mix of students and families, with a few older kids weaving through the slower groups. JJ knew that if she was one of the younger kids here, she'd be participating in the races. She was never one to back down for a challenge, always saying yes to racing the boys who thought they were better than her, never backing down from a fight. But tonight, she was content to introduce her girlfriend to something close to her heart.
A large Christmas tree stood in the centre of the city square, lit up with twinkling silver lights. It was straight out of a Hallmark movie. But no prince would sweep JJ off her feet, because she already found The One.
"You're good at this," Emily pointed out. "How do you even go backwards like that? I don't get it."
JJ spun back around to show off, dragging Emily behind her like before. "It's kinda like weaving. You move your skates in and out, not picking your feet up at all."
Emily tried to copy her, but instead of the graceful motion JJ was making, Emily's pick stuck into the ice, sending her falling forward.
JJ grabbed onto her and held her tight, just stopping her from falling onto the hard ice. "Woah there, I got you baby," JJ said softly. Emily relaxed into her arms.
Their lips were close, tantalizingly so. Emily smelled like apples and spices, and suddenly JJ wanted to kiss her desperately. She pulled her close, holding onto her waist as their lips met. For all their kisses they'd had, this one felt like it could be the first. Fireworks went off in JJ's head as she felt Emily's gloved hands on her cheeks and her perfect lips moving against hers. A warmth spread out from between them, and JJ's skin tingled with excitement.
She felt invincible. Like she could take anything on. And she could, for she had Emily by her side. Here, in her new city that was starting to feel more like home than East Allegheny ever had, with her girlfriend, JJ had never been happier.
"You've got me," Emily said, her face aglow. Emily's words just about took JJ's breath away.
"I've got you."