✿ first impression: title, cover and description (12/15)
title, awesome.
cover, fabulous. expresses the title.
description: nice and intriguing, but i have some issues with the way you introduced the climax. what's francesca's den? i mean, what does she hold at stake? what does a den resemble in her case? so many questions that are not exactly the intriguing type. also, i'd advise against using a weak starter in the description. more in the writing style section.
(i understand later priene is the den. i think the description needs to be lengthened to explain this more bc she didn't live in priene for it to be her den)
✿ plot & chapters (15/20)
i was excited to explore the plot after reading the blurb. i never read anything similar, perhaps bc i don't read general fiction or adventure. i loved the prologue. very short but introduces the story and some characters subtly.
+ starting c1, altho you started well with beautiful descriptions, i felt later you were going to the 'info-dump' direction about their mother and past life. i understand some things like these can only be told, but maybe don't tell them all at once and use different ways to do so? for example, the family talks about her on their way to her hometown, so you use dialogue. or/and one character holds a picture frame and gets memories. any brief scene to tell these things more entertainingly.
+ the parts about luigi's past specifically felt like they can be shown instead of told. a suicidal will typically hold an emotional background.
+ continuing to c2, you did the same info dump for the new character. you started to hint more at the plot tho, which was a hook. however, i was still waiting for the inciting incident.
+ in c3, you feature a restaurant scene. bored me bc it didn't feature any details i felt needed. remember to enter a scene late and leave early. we don't need unnecessary details.
+ okay, finally in c3 sth happens: they're getting ambushed. but i felt their reactions were a little bland. more in the character's section.
+ c3 ended and i still don't notice the title relevance, but that's okay. no objection. at that point, i remembered how you started the story with francesca's thots. she thot she didn't belong to seda, but how does that relate to priene? did i miss it while reading? did she expect priene to feel more like home? if so, where is the comparison? why is priene better?
+ in c4, the siblings are confused and waiting for an explanation. there was sth missing: trauma & lingering fear. seeing someone die right in front of them, experiencing sth as intense as ambushing, is not easy at all, yet they appeared too cool and okay as if it was sth they saw every day.
+ priene is finally explained. okay, cool, but so what? how does that affect the story? what's the story about anymore? from the description, i thot francesca would be kidnapped and have time to question things about her living. is this a story about the characters finding themselves?
+ so, now i understand. priene is the den.
+ at the end of c4, luigi discovers sth about his fiancée. i felt his reaction was... careless. i expected sth more intense for his fiancée.
+ in c5, francesca expresses her feelings to priene. i felt they were out of context, exaggerated, bc in their short stay, i didn't feel anything strongly connecting her to the place. priene being her mum's hometown isn't enough imo, bc, after all, the family lived in seda, so seda is their hometown with their mum, and if you're going to refer it to her mum, then show us more how much she is connected to her mum. she died when francesca was young anyway. the sceneries are also not enough. people do tourism all around the globe, but they don't stay where they like it.
conclusion: i don't feel the connection between her and priene. why's priene the den? where did she get the courage, the nobility, to stay and try to fix the place from? besides, it felt as if it took her one second of thinking only. that was a big decision that i expected would take more time.
✿ characters (15/20)
you introduced all the characters thru the info-dumping. i disliked that, but it still did its job.
francesca: i noticed a pattern in her. she appreciates beauty and observes it. loved that.
luigi: you gave him the background of a suicidal, but he didn't seem like he ever was. not telling you to make him a depressed boy, but i felt as if the topic was approached insensitively, passively. does his background move the plot in any way? if not, why did you make him a suicidal?
alfred: i never read a story that gave any spotlight to parents, but yours did express his viewpoint on things. the main thing about alfred is that he's paranoid. he holds the hook of the story between his hands, which make him a special character.
question: why does he treat his kids like... kids? they're adults. i think it makes more sense if he told them about the grudge for them to stay cautious. unless he hides sth he doesn't want them to know? not about this one specifically, just wondering why he treats them that way. maybe they're still young in his eyes?
this quickly changes when he accepts his daughter's decision. there is a little contradiction, but maybe it's normal and realistic like our parents are irl.
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i noticed you usually refer to characters by their first names or a pronouns only, which gets monotonous. how about you try different ways like their features? anything different and more informative.
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when the attack on the car happened, i was on my toes, wanting to know what will happen, but the characters reactions were bland. yes, they were shocked, but i expected more descriptions to connect me with them. how were their breaths? their hearts? were they shaky? were they gonna cry? try to function the five senses:
hearing: describe the sound of bullets, glass, screams... etc.
smell: maybe the bleeding driver left a metallic blood smell in the car? or the car engine was shot and smoky, or the rubbery tires were shot too and smelled?
taste: maybe their mouths go dry from panting and breathing heavily.
later in the scene, a character stutters, "W-what". i think the way you displayed it in the story could be improved to be more realistic; do humans irl really stutter like this? do you stutter on the 'w' sound? try it. i think sth like trailing off, repeating words, or making sounds like 'umm' applies better? just what i think :)
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i like how the kids later agree with alfred's decisions and understand him. it shows maturity and mutual respect.
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overall, there was distinct characterisation for each, but i felt it wasn't too strong. sometimes, the characters felt bland bc you focused on the scene most of the time rather than the scene in the eyes of the character. but, really, don't beat yourself over it. characterisation is very hard and takes a lot of time. more in the writing style section.
✿ grammar (13/15)
impressive actually, barely anything to note, and this is coming from an editor. sometimes, however, i think you get carried away and make unintentional mistakes that a quick scan from an editor can fish out.
□ numbers of two digits and less are written out as words in literature. you can use the numerical system with three digits and more.
□ errors in compound sentences: when you use a coordinator (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so: you can use the acronym FANBOYS to help you remember the seven coordinators) to join full meaning sentences, use a comma.
For example → she washed her face, and she brushed her teeth.
Notice that if you omit the 'and' in the second sentence, the sentence is meaningful (independent).
However, you don't need a comma if you omit the second 'she' → she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
□ sometimes you used a comma where you need to end the sentence altogether. or try semicolons. like here:
use a semicolon if you wish with the red marks. (nvm the purple. mistake)
□ for the most part, you got dialogue punctuation correctly. except for some occasions like this:
you should use a period instead where i marked it bc it isn't a speech tag that proceeds the dialogue. lemme know if you need further explanation.
another thing about dialogue:
i noticed sometimes when the same person is still speaking, you start a new paragraph. tbh, i'm not sure if this is grammatically correct, but comprehension-wise, it's unnecessary. it's still luigi talking about the same topic, so i'd not start a new paragraph yet. besides, there are two males in the scene, luigi and frederico, so from the first glance, it might look like frederico said that bc you started a new paragraph. but ofc, he can't be talking to himself as tito. so, i suggest you connect it to the previous paragraph and use the tag 'added' instead of said to make it clear luigi is still talking.
✿ writing style (20/30)
the writing was consistent, and i understood the observant style you wanted to maintain. here are my notes for improvement:
+ i enjoyed your descriptions from the get-go. very beautiful and powerful. altho, many other scenes needed to be described more for better enjoyment and engagement of the reader. like when you said, "They were happy as he was" (c'mon, show us that thru beautiful smiles!), when francesca was uncomfortable (show instead of telling here), or the ambush scene.
+ you have many sentences with weak starters like coordinating conjunctions (And, So & But mostly). i think this is common among writers on wattpad. it's not wrong but not preferred. don't overuse it bc it could be a turnoff. it's best when you split a compound sentence only to show a pause in thoughts and such. so if you don't mean this pause, refrain from splitting the sentence. frankly, many times the sentence did well without the starter.
+ i noticed a little redundancy. it's not wrong, but the writing could sound better if you avoided it.
ex: "His blue eye glistened just as bright as his smile as he..."
reworded: "His blue eyes glistened as brightly as his smile while he..."
you used 'as' three times in the same sentence. sounds a little off. 'just' is wordy there too; you can totally omit it. bright describes the verb 'glistened', so it should be an adverb, altho i'd suggest not to describe it with an adverb. rather say why he is smiling, and how his smile made his sister feel: luigi's enthusiasm for the trip showed thru his broad smile, which infected francesca to smile too. the reasoning connects the reader better with the characters, so we feel what they feel. not the best example, but hopefully you get what i mean :')
+ sometimes, there was wordiness: unneeded words, phrases, or even whole sentences. simple examples: there was/were, that & just. could be fished out using the find function and omitted in some places when they're unimportant.
+ sometimes the writing sounded monotonous bc you use the same sentence structure three times in a row. like here:
all the same sub + verb + obj structure. not wrong, but try to switch it up a little every two sentences for the enjoyment of the reader. for example, the last two sentences in the screenshot can be connected using 'as'. just a suggestion.
i don't think it was extreme in your writing since you used a different subject for every sentence, but keep the point in your mind for the future. monotony is worst when you use the same subject for three consequent sentences.
+ sometimes you used said when you could use a stronger verb.
+ using so/very to intensify the adjective forms a weak adjective. instead of so nervous, distressed for example. or omit 'so' altogether. same with verb + adverb; these are weak verbs. softly + said = purred.
+ despite you write in the past tense, there were some places you probably got carried away and wrote them in present, be it a verb, an adverb, or a pronoun.
+ the usage of third-person confused me. the blurb made it sound as if the story would be in francesca's pov, and so did the start of c1. i wasn't sure which type were you using. at first, i thot maybe you're using omniscient third-person. then i noticed a scarcity of emotions, so maybe it was third-person objective, but there still were emotions sprinkled here and there. the story takes off with francesca's thots, then you switched perspectives to luigi's, then again to their father. you refer to each character with their name, so maybe you're omniscient but need better execution, or you are using objective, so you don't pry on feelings and thots much (still you do a little)?
okay, then you finally answered me and said omniscient. conclusion: work more on characters' thots and emotions bc it sounds objective most of the time. i've never written in omniscient tho, so i can't judge the style much here. i do feel there is sth off about the transitions, maybe bc i'm not used to it. if you care about what i think, i'd say francesca's pov is enough for the story. i don't feel the other characters presented anything important. their dialogues are enough to tell what they think.
+ a few times, you misused pronouns, calling luigi with her and francesca with he.
+ split infinitives are informal. they should be avoided in formal writing. instead of "to not jump", say "not to jump".
+ i'm unsure why some of your paragraphing looked like this?
like, there are two paragraphs but they're still connected. this doesn't look great for mobile readers and jumbles inline comments.
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let's apply what we learnt on a few screenshots:
colour code:
🟡: monotonous
🔴: weakness
🟣: show, don't tell
🟢: tense switch
the monotony in the dialogue style could be fought with a few dialogue beats as i mentioned.
who's francisco? i thot he was frederico.
the monotony in the last paragraph is not extreme, but since i was reading to review, i was looking for such things with an open eye.
i added had for the chronological order in the past. it's actually a grammatical rule to use past perfect before 'before' and after 'after', but i follow british english so i wouldn't know if american cares about that. search.
just examples. not definite mistakes. depends on the context.
✿ overall (75/100)
i don't usually read general fiction, but this was a nice read! recommended to readers of this genre or anyone who seeks a fresh read. hope this review was helpful! you're a talented young writer.
for further help, check out my tips corner or my other reviews as you might find notes that can help you too! 🤗
thank you for stopping by! happy writing! ❤