Song for the chapter, which is the inspiration behind Hyun Bin's prayer. A reader generously shared this song with me way back but I only got to weave the lyrics into this chapter now. Thank you mochibao for sharing this beautiful yet heart-wrenching masterpiece!
This chapter was surprisingly heart-breaking for me to write. So hugs to everyone in advance. You'll need it...
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Flashback to the past months
Morning came as a quiet burst of light rays, flitting through the window to provide some imitation of warmth to the cold, hard exterior of the blinding white hospital room. In such a room where a lone soul sat on the bed, a cocoon of love was very much needed to comfort the weary soul.
But alas, one couldn't get what they wanted in life, could they?
In that hospital room, the young man curled up in the center of his bed, could now understand why people gave flowers whenever they visited. Because against the pristine white walls of antiseptic cement, those pop of colours was immensely gratifying to a patient's eyes.
Already, his mind drifted back to his home. Away from the edges and white of the room he was in, he could still see the wood of his childhood home. The wooden stairs with its sixth step creaking because of age, the wooden table where the family sat for their warm hearty meals, and his wooden desk filled with light scratches of his pen.
Home, where he could pull apart the curtains to welcome the trees in his backyard. Where everywhere he turned, there was always soft, classical music playing because that was his father's favourite genre.
Home, where she lives. Those light scratches on his wooden desk were in fact, made by his studious girlfriend's pen. Whenever he would pull apart the curtains, that was where she was, in the backyard, waving up at him with her school bag swinging carefreely next to her. And in every corner of the street they lived in, was memories of Ye Jin.
Even now, he could taste the sweetness of the air when he was with her and feel the warmth of her hand in his.
It was pure torture when he had to open his eyes to embrace the stiff coldness of the heavily sterilised cotton sheets instead of her. This wasn't a bed. It was far from it. A bed was where he could stretch right next to his girlfriend, where it was soft, where their scents lingered during all their sleepovers.
Nothing about the room was comforting to Hyun Bin. If anything, he was desperate to get well soon so that he could return home.
Instead of torturing himself by missing her, Hyun Bin sat up to write a letter, an intimate change from their usual exchange of emails that he hoped would reach her safely one day.
The gentle scratching of pen and paper filled the quiet air as Hyun Bin scribbled away, pouring his heart and soul into his letter to Ye Jin.
Occasionally, he would reach up to wipe the tears from his eyes, although some inevitably landed on the paper, becoming a smudge of blue ink. Still weakened after another round of nausea, Hyun Bin's hands were shaking even as he was writing, but he was determined to finish this letter to the love of his life.
So, he kept writing. Not once did he stop to take any breaks, nor did he stop when he became a distraught mess. As he was writing, his conversation with God every night circled the back of his mind, a desperate boy's plea, accusation and hope for her future.
To my best friend, the love of my life, my Jinnie,
Happy New Year's Day. Happy Birthday. Happy Valentines' Day. Happy White Day. Happy Anniversary. Merry Christmas. I don't know how long I will be gone, but I don't ever want to miss any special occasions with you.
Oh Lord. Can't you see that I love her very much? Why would you want to tear apart two people who love each other so dearly?
Pardon me for this but I'm getting sentimental. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about us. Replaying those memories of our time together in our head is what has been keeping me going, and I wonder if you feel the same.
Oh Lord. Please don't ever secretly tell her that someone has been thinking about her countless times now, in the dead of the quiet night.
You used to hate me so much when we were children. I must have been at the receiving end of those death daggers of yours a million times by now. I guess I just never got to tell you how sorry I was for breaking your favourite doll. Little me didn't know how to love you as you deserved but I hope I made up for that over the past few years.
In the days to come, you have to take good care of her. When I'm not by her side, you cannot bully her. Don't let anyone else walk into her heart, only to leave her in the end. Because I refuse to see her cry again.
We had great times, didn't we? Even as children, there were always those little animal figurines in the kitchen of our houses. I remember how protective you were over your animals when I tried to make my dinosaurs eat them. I remember all the times we camped out under the stars together and you would snuggle close to me because you didn't want to get eaten by the wolves. I'm sorry for scaring you with those stories but I truly only wanted a hug from you.
Oh Lord. Are you secretly watching this joke unfold? Letting us meet even when you knew I wouldn't be able to protect her?
I will always remember your beautiful smiles and your eyes that never fails to make me happy too. I will always remember how perfectly you fit in my embrace and every single word we exchanged. You were my best friend first and then you accepted me as your boyfriend. I grew up and learnt so much from you. You were always the one who was so sure of yourself even when I was afraid of the future. Even when you found out about my situation, you never gave up on me, did you?
Oh Lord. Has she recently stopped having insomnia? May all the warmth in this world become a rush of wind, to embrace her on my behalf.
I never got to thank you for your faith in me, Jinnie. Thank you for not giving up on me even when we're miles apart. On days when I feel especially cold, all I have to do is wrap your scarf around me and imagine that you are here with me. Even now, you're the light in my darkness, my angel that has given me hope to live. I'm fighting hard, Jinnie and I'm not giving up that easily. So sleep well, eat well, and live every day to the fullest until we meet again.
In the days to come, you have to take good care of her. When I'm not by her side, you cannot bully her. Don't let anyone else walk into her heart, only to leave her in the end. Because I refuse to see her cry again.
I...I can't promise you that I will make it out alive. I'm fighting but I still can't promise you something that I am uncertain about. But when the leaves turn gold, I will meet you at our bench. Even if it means I have to go to you as a butterfly, I will be there to meet you again as I promised you. And you know I'm not one to break my promises, Jinnie.
I hope my perseverance could catch up to hers. That one day, I can give her a complete home and family. But if you already put someone else in her life, I will bless her too. Lord, don't care about me and just let her be happy, please.
Don't worry about me, Jinnie. I won't feel any pain. A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now. I just hope that you'll be happy, Jinnie. I hope that no matter what happens, you'll always be able to find joy in the simplest things and live life to the fullest. If there is one thing this whole journey has taught me, it is how every moment in life is fleeting. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to embrace and cherish every moment in life, Jinnie because I know you do. I simply pray that you will continue to do that in the event that...never mind. You know.
Oh Lord. What I said to you all these nights, please don't accidentally let it slip right next to her ear. I'm afraid to burden her.
I love you so very much, Jinnie. Please don't ever blame yourself for any of this. You have been my strength, my angel, ever since you were born. I will remember us...the best years of my life. Thank you for everything.
With all my love,
Binnie
He only put down that pen in the dead of the night; a letter filled with all his love, his hope, his wish for Ye Jin to be happy. To prepare her heart and his. It was the last way he could protect her.
Taking another glance at the crumpling paper in his hands, Hyun Bin let the last tear fall down the side of his face. Gently, Hyun Bin folded the letter and slipped it into the envelope, easily recalling the address before sealing it for delivery.
As with all his nights, Hyun Bin prayed before he slept, because when no one else could do anything for you, you could only pray to God.
And that night, his prayer was simple. It went like this.
"Oh Lord. Please don't ever secretly tell her that on those countless sleepless nights, I'm still thinking about her."
Amen.
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Back to the present
Ye Jin's hands shook hard as she clutched the thin paper in her hands. Fat, salty tears rolled down her face to join the smudges of ink, blossoming like a flower in spring despite her grievances over the whole situation.
She was simply grateful that Hyun Bin didn't tell her not to cry, for she didn't think that was a promise that she could keep. The already wrinkly paper crumpled hard as Ye Jin hugged the letter to herself, sobbing because her heart hurt deeply for her boyfriend whom she couldn't help.
"Oh, Binnie..." Ye Jin cried.
The tears fell relentlessly, leaving Ye Jin choked and overwhelmed by hurt and pain. Above all, she was desperate; desperate for any news of her boyfriend.
This couldn't be happening. This wasn't goodbye. Hyun Bin would be back soon. It was alright if he couldn't write to her or send her any emails, but Ye Jin prayed that he would return to her side one day.
She knew delusion when she sees it in the mirror. She knew that Hyun Bin always made the best of a bad deal. But could she just pretend it wasn't real? She would paint the kitchen neon and brighten up the sky. She knew she would never get it, but there wasn't a day that she wouldn't try.
Until he returns home again.
Perhaps she was truly delusional, or perhaps Ye Jin genuinely had the boundless capacity to hope. But through her tears, she decided to call the hospital Hyun Bin was in, the number at the bottom of the envelope.
Her last hope...to find out the truth.
Was hers a prayer heard? Or was his a prayer answered?