Here's Chapter 20! It was tough to write--so much angst!! One reader on Fan Fiction.net commented that Edward keeps repeating himself, and yes, he does. He just thinks too much sometimes, but that's why we love him!
Please keep voting, liking, and commenting!!! And welcome to all the new fans!!
Love you all,
Cassandra
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Chapter Twenty: Decisions, Decisions
Usually the nights I held Bella sped by...mornings always came far too early, and I would leave her bed at sunrise on school days (or later during summer vacation) with the utmost reluctance. I would hold her in my arms, searing her scent, her warmth, her miraculous love into my perfect memory to relive throughout the day. Each night passed so quickly in a haze of absolute contentment. Never was I bored, restless, or anxious; I was completely happy.
But this night in a strange hotel room and with much I was forced to think about-this night was passing slowly, each moment feeling like an hour.
I tried to convince myself that this slow passage of time tonight was a good thing. I had so many aspects of our relationship to ponder, then decide the best course to protect Bella. I wasn't thinking about my own happiness in the least; rather, I burned with the need to insure her safety and perfect my self-control.
Bella nestled against me in her sleep, burrowing her head into my chest, her small hand fisting my shirt. I held her closer for a moment, but with her warmth suffusing my icy body, I found it extremely difficult to concentrate.
It certainly didn't help that Alice had rebelled at packing Bella's holey t-shirt and sweatpants for a romantic evening away, for the silky gown that Alice had provided in lieu of Bella's usual sleep attire was certainly not helping my concentration, especially as I remembered Bella blushing bright red when she emerged from the bathroom in the matching knee-length deep blue silk robe and slip-like gown, the latter trimmed with blue lace that dipped in a low "v" between her breasts. The color was perfect, causing her fair skin to glow in the dimly-lit room.
I had gulped at this vision, frozen in place, mentally cursing and cheering Alice at the same time. I'm sure I looked absolutely ridiculous with my eyes popping out of my head, wishing bizarrely that tonight was our wedding night and that I had the right to possess her at this very moment, but Bella had only smiled knowingly before allowing me to tuck her into bed. I breathed a little easier once she was beneath the covers, but having her curled around me right now was ruining any chance of concentrating on anything but trying not to surrender my already-battered control. More than anything, I wanted to follow the curve of the blue lace with my fingers where it dipped low on her chest-I wanted to touch her as I desired and never stop.
Knowing that I had much to mull over this night, I was quite aware that any thought (or at least the kind of thinking I needed to do) was impossible while wrapped in Bella's arms. All-too-conscious of her silky warmth against me despite the sheet and blanket separating us, I began to ease my body away from hers with the utmost care. Making infinitesimal movements, I slipped Bella off my chest and slowly pried my now-wrinkled shirt from her fisted grasp. It took nearly half an hour for me to edge myself out of the large hotel bed without waking her. But I knew that if I were to think through all aspects of our relationship, I would need to do so away from Bella's sweet influence, her scent, her warmth, her unconscious beauty, and far, far from that revealing gown!
As I crept to the doorway of the bedroom, I stopped to look back over my shoulder at Bella. She lay deeply asleep, curled on her side facing where I had been laying, her bare arm outstretched as if she were holding my body to hers. The blue spaghetti straps of her gown were temptingly visible above the bed covers, and I averted my eyes so that I could vacate the room without accosting her. As I moved from the bed, I pushed a strong sense of emptiness from me; I knew that I had to think, and I had think alone.
I had to do the right thing.
And not the right thing for me-this had to be the right thing for Bella.
My heavy sigh was silent, but it caused my chest to ache so sharply that my hand automatically moved the place where my heart used to beat.
I forced myself to tear my eyes from Bella's beautiful sleeping form, closing the master bedroom door silently behind me.
The darkness of the suite didn't faze me, of course, but the city lights of downtown Seattle sparkled all the more brightly through the windows of the dim rooms of the hotel suite. I automatically fell into my default thinking mode, pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. No longer burning, the pillar candles inside the fireplace had melted into mounds of melted wax, distorted and dripping down the iron holders and across the marble of the hearth.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I paced, trying to force my mind to think clearly, but somehow the thoughts would not come. My mind seemed frozen, empty-as empty as my heart felt right now at the mere thought of leaving Bella behind to live her life in safety and peace, without me. I tried to think of alternatives, of pros and cons, of how much better off Bella would be without me, but logical, reasonable thought refused to mold itself within my brain, each attempt to think clearly dissipating in the emptiness of my too-silent heart.
How could I leave her if the merest idea of doing so paralyzed my mind and my being? How could I possibly keep forcing myself through each day of this eternal existence without Bella at my side?
But this decision wasn't about me-it was about Bella and what would be best for her.
I tried to command my mind down this path of leaving for Bella's sake, but all I saw were soft brown eyes filled with tears and the pain I would subject her to by disappearing from her life. I knew she loved me. And I despised myself for even thinking of causing her pain of any sort.
So how could I leave?
But every moment she spent in my presence was a moment of danger.
That fear-inducing thought sobered me, clearing my mind so that I could begin to think. And then the thoughts were flashing through my mind at vampire speed.
And I knew that this dilemma was completely my fault.
If I wasn't being tempted by the sweet promise of her blood-a sweetness and purity I had experienced mere months ago when I prevented her change in that Phoenix ballet studio-then I was being tempted by the sensuality of her body. And at times her body called to me just as sweetly and persuasively as her blood...especially tonight when she wore that damn blue gown.
Bella was a human teenager, and her hormones created an amazing scent that inexorably drew me to her, a man to a woman. And my own human teenage tendencies were being resurrected all too obviously.
I had never felt desire like this before. I had vague impressions of admiring certain girls during my human life, but the almost uncontrollable desire that coursed through me when I was alone with Bella shocked me with it power. I wanted her in the worst (and best) way. I wanted her wrapped in my arms, moaning my name as I touched her, filled her, fulfilled her. I had never been with a woman before, but the desire I felt so strongly for Bella seemed so natural-almost as if it were inevitable.
So what are my options? I questioned myself as I ghosted back and forth across the room in front of the fireplace, my arms folded tightly against the empty sensation in my chest. My breathing came much more quickly than normal, each breath catching painfully-not from exertion, but from the agony that was winning against my attempts to think logically.
I can leave. But can I? Am I actually able to leave this truest of true loves, able to cut myself out of Bella's life? I stopped pacing, frozen solid as a stiletto of debilitating pain sliced through my heart. Could I survive without being with Bella each day? Without holding her as she slept each night? Without hearing her sweet voice? Without being calmed by her touch? Totally and completely without her presence ever again?
I found myself on the floor of the hotel suite's living room, curled in a ball on the luxurious carpet in front of the fireplace, rocking my body back and forth, back and forth. I heard a low keening sound, and I hoped that whatever it was wouldn't wake Bella. It took me several moments to realize that the sound was coming from low in my throat-I was making that horrible noise.
I buried my face in my arms that were folded atop my knees, attempting to stifle the low moans that I could not control. And I could not stop rocking back and forth in sheer agony at the thought of leaving Bella.
I remained in this fetal position for the remainder of the night, until the first glimmers of dawn crept in the open windows. And then I acknowledged the truth to myself:
There was no way I could leave Bella.
When I allowed this truth to permeate my mind, my heart, my depths, the rocking stopped. The low, hoarse moans stopped. I could at last release the death-grip my arms possessed around my knees and unfold myself. My breathing normalized, and I slowly got to my feet.
The relief I was feeling was almost joy-inducing.
I could hear Bella's regular breathing from the master bedroom, her heart rate slow, indicating a deep sleep. My relief increased, and I felt incredibly grateful that Bella had not seen me losing my sanity during half the night.
In the dim light of predawn, I stepped to the grand piano in the corner of the room near the suite door, far from the master bedroom where Bella slept. I felt compelled to slide onto the polished black bench, gently and quietly running my fingers down the ivory keys. Music brought me peace and enabled me to think-just what I needed at this moment.
The deep-driven need for peace compelled me to start playing very softly, praying that I wouldn't wake Bella. The strains of her lullaby rose gently from the magnificent instrument as I pondered our dilemma further.
I could not bear to leave Bella. I admitted the truth to myself as a starting point for this new train of thought. As my fingers sought the familiar melody with the barest of touches, more gentle than human hands were capable, I desperately hoped that I was making the right decision, the best decision for Bella. I knew how selfish this decision that lightened my heart truly was-a result of my inability to let go of happiness, of joy, of love.
I prayed that I would not regret this decision to stay. I prayed that no unforeseen consequences would occur as a result of this most self-centered of decisions because I knew that I would never, ever forgive myself if my remaining with Bella brought her injury...or worse.
A shudder of what "worse" could entail rippled through my body, causing me to strike wrong notes in the middle of Bella's lullaby. I stopped playing, bowing my head over the keys, my eyes shut tightly against the possible consequences of my selfishness. Is it this decision to stay with her that will bring Bella into our world, that will make her one of us?
The thought was agonizing. Again I buried my head in my hands as I curled
over the piano.
"Edward?" a soft voice behind me asked.
I froze, holding my breath in surprise as Bella's concern bled through my name.
A moment later a warm hand tentatively grasped each of my shoulders. I felt myself melting at her touch, unfreezing slowly as Bella massaged my tense shoulder blades, then ran her thumbs up my spine to my neck and into my hairline. Sighing, I opened my eyes and reached a hand up to cover one of hers in a comforting gesture, although her touch brought me far more peace.
Bella kept the one hand on the back of my neck as she came forward, twisting herself between me and the piano keys to sit on my lap facing me. I nearly groaned when I noted again that she was wearing the silky slip-like gown in deep blue with a matching knee-length silk robe that hung open.
Taking a deep breath to control myself after seeing her once again in such unusually romantic nightwear, I kept my hand remained atop hers as her free hand cupped my face. I closed my eyes, nearly humming with the sheer grace of her warmth, of her peace. My head tipped forward until my icy forehead touched hers, and I wrapped both arms around her slender form, inhaling her warm, floral scent.
Bella was peace...my peace.
I could not leave her, so I would have to deal with the consequences as they came. I just prayed that the ramifications of my remaining with Bella would not come at too high a price.
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This chapter ended up getting too long, so I cut it back to a certain point. That means that I already have two pages of the next chapter written which means that I may be able to upload Chapter 21 midweek! Keep your fingers crossed!! :)
Please do vote, comment, like, share, and all that wonderful stuff!!! Love you all!!!
--Cassandra :)