All you see is red.
You have to find the being who did the horrific act of killing Loki by hunting down every single one of Loki's enemies.
You search relentlessly, and by now, you don't care in the slightest about your grown-out hair, your dark circles, your constantly red and puffy eyes, and your countless fresh scars.
At this point, along with your three back scars, you have a scar from your hairline down across your left eye to your mid-cheek, a scar along your right cheekbone, and a diagonal scar following your hip bone to your knee.
You end up unintentionally pushing yourself away from the team. Always being gone, never giving a reason, and not explaining your new 'trophies.'
What a situation to be in...
You're standing in front of an absolutely hideous creature.
He has blue skin, but not Loki's beautiful blue. He's large, bulky, distorted. He's strong, but it's not all muscles. It's partially his gross natural body structure.
His cold, dead, fire red eyes bore into your soul. The slits, comparable to a lizard's pupal, are barely visible behind his thick dark grey eyelids, set in a glare.
His scaly hands, accompanied by sharp grey nails, are stationed by his side. Normally, you'd think it was in a non-threatening manner, but in reality, he's waiting for your attack.
You grit your teeth as you scowl at the thing.
Crimson red magic surrounds your hands as you leap forward at him.
His hands go up, placing his claws in your way and sticking into your stomach.
Welp... that was dumb.
You hiss in pain and quickly wrap your magic around him, lifting him in the air.
"I know you killed Loki... the love of my life!" You scream angrily.
"Well, it's your fault for falling in love with a monster!"
You clench your jaw, "He isn't-... he wasn't a monster!" You seethe, "He was my fiancé and the fucking father of my baby!"
A few tears flow down your face as you tighten your power's grip on him.
"I lost two of my loved ones by someone's hands, and you're going to tell me if it was Thanos who sent for you to kill Loki."
You begin to tighten your grip even more.
"Was. It. Thanos?"
The creature weakly nods, "Yes... I stabbed him by Thanos' orders."
You chuckle dryly and bring him closer to you.
"You're going to pay..."
You create a blade of magic before you stab him and release your magic, letting him tumble to the ground.
"You're a monster too..." He gasps.
"Mmm, maybe... but at least I'm capable of loving someone."
You watch as he slowly bleeds out green blood.
You crouch down beside him, "That blood doesn't go well with your skin." You comment bluntly.
Then you straighten up and make a portal behind you, walking through into your bedroom.
After assessing your wounds, you end up with a few more scars on your stomach.
God damn claws.
You shower as your brain fills with scenarios that flood your brain.
Where do I find Thanos? What do I do when I find Thanos?
"Dinner!" Wanda yells, interrupting your train of thoughts.
You sigh and leave the shower before throwing on some comfortable clothes.
And how the hell do I explain my absence to the team?
You shake your head and trudge downstairs.
When you enter the room, all eyes turn to you. Their eyes mixed with sympathy and confusion.
You roll your eyes, "Yeah, I know. How come I'm downstairs? Where have I been? Am I okay?"
You drag yourself over to the table, sitting between your newly quiet brother, Thor, and one of your best friends, Wanda.
"Are you going to answer any of those questions?" Tony inquires.
You look at Tony, "No."
Thankfully, none of them ask any more questions, so you're able to eat in peace.
At one point during dinner, you notice Tony look at you out of the corner of your eye.
He sees and looks away as he clears his throat, "So, have any of you heard the news from Fury? Another one of Loki's enemies turned up dead."
You roll your eyes when you see everyone looking at you again.
After you swallow, you don't meet their gazes and just scoop more food onto your fork.
"Weird." You sigh.
You put another forkful into your mouth before looking up at the others.
"What?"
Natasha gives a tight-lipped smile, "Nothing..."
"Yeah. I know what you're all thinking, and yes. It was me. I'm a killer, monster, all of it!"
"Not at all, Y/N." Wanda quickly assures, "We understand, but we want you to tell us what you're doing and talk to us about how you're feeling."
"I'm in therapy. So is the sergeant. Maybe you should try it." Thor mumbles.
You swiftly stand up, knocking the chair back.
"I get it, okay?! I'm fucked up! I'm a god damn mess!" You yell.
Tony shakes his head, "Not at all. We only want to help. We didn't mean anything by it."
You scoff, "Oh really?"
You look around at all of the sympathetic, hurt, and slightly regret-filled eyes of every team member.
You swallow hard as tears prick your eyes, "I'm sorry. I know you guys just want to help me feel better, but it's so hard to move past this."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Y/N. It was misinterpreted." Sam speaks up.
"Yeah, and I know it's hard, but we're not asking you to move past this or gloss over it. We're encouraging you to work through it." Clint adds on.
Natasha gives a gentle grin, "We're here for you, okay?"
You look down at your hands as they intertwine, twisting back and forth nervously.
"Okay..." You whisper, "I'll try going back to therapy..."
You start going to the same therapist Tony got for you after Hydra, and you begin to work through your issues.
Medication is a big help.
You now take situational anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, and antidepressants.
They've also placed you in an anger management class.
How do you feel about that?
Angry.
They want you to stop chasing down Loki's enemies. Jokes on them because you've already slaughtered all of them.
Eventually, you bring yourself back to how it all used to be, but you now have two empty holes in your life.
It's been a bit over seven months since Loki died, meaning Miracle would've been born by now.
You planted y/f/f all around the bench to remind you of your first date with Loki.
You also had a tombstone placed in the compound garden next to the bench that meant everything to you and Loki.
You then put a smaller tombstone right beside Loki's for Miracle.
You never even got to find out the gender. Miracle was snatched from you before you could even experience the excitement of discovering the gender, feeling Miracle kicking, throwing a baby shower, seeing Miracle's first steps, hearing Miracle's first words... you missed everything...
You're kneeling in front of the stones.
Despite the multitude of flowers around them, you still bring Loki and Miracle flowers every day and talk to them even though they aren't there.
Loki's actually buried on Asgard where he 'belongs.' But, graciously, Heimdall always grants you passage whenever you want to visit Loki's official grave.
"I know neither of you are actually here, but I still talk to you..." You turn to Loki's stone, "We missed out on so much, huh? Our little Miracle..."
You clear your throat and wipe away your fresh tears.
"I'm doing better. I miss you both every day, though..."
You trace your fingers over the writing of Miracle's stone, "Your due date was a week ago, my little love." You chuckle weakly, "If you were born, I just know you would've been the most beautiful baby to exist... you would've looked just like your father with lovely green eyes and raven black hair... you would've been so gorgeous..."
You turn and lay your forehead against Loki's stone, "You would've been the best father ever, my love..." You whisper as your tears fall down, making contact with the already dewy grass below you, "I miss you so much... I miss your smile, your eyes, your voice... everything..."
You swallow hard, then back away before standing up and smiling at them.
"I love you both so, so much, and I'll be back soon. I have therapy today, but I'll be back..."
You start crying again as you hold your pinky in the air... but nobody's there to take it.
"Pinky promise..."