It was now Saturday. It had rolled around quickly and quietly and before I could truly see it coming. The day prior had felt like I'd been shipped off to the ends of the earth, my new home being the diner and all on my lonesome because by the time I'd started, Avery had finished. We hadn't yet had our in depth chat, but I knew it would happen at some point this weekend.
I had phoned her yesterday to let her know of the coming plans this weekend held, of course she jumped at the offer and had already planned out her whole outfit to me on the phone. I'd hardly seen anyone in the past day, a world with just my footsteps and thoughts.
But today's antics were what got me through.
I was excited. Excited to spend time with everyone, excited to get out into the world and excited to be in such a setting I knew I wasn't supposed to be in. Evie had woken me up this morning, a sudden shake to the shoulders and a whisper of 'I've packed your bags for you, we need to leave now so we can get there in time'. And so we did just that, I'd thrown myself together somehow, opting for the quickest pieces of clothing I could set my eyes on— my comfy brown shorts and oversized tee.
Evie threw our bags into the back of Harry's car, rounded the rest of us outside and made sure the door was locked a total of three times. The bright morning sun was the first sign of it being a good day, I stood watching as Leon got into the passenger seat and Jett crawled into the back, my face scrunched from the blinding sun and arms crossed to hide the fact that I had not remembered to slip on a bra in my frenzied state minutes ago.
I crawled in next, wiggling around in the middle seat trying to find a comfortable position between Evie and Jett— everybody knew the middle seat was never a blessing. It took another five minutes to make sure everything was set, our drive into the city wasn't bound to be a quick one, although as we began our journey, I didn't miss the fact that Harry had chosen to play his George Michael cassette. Our eyes met in the rear view mirror and I sent him a smile, because if there was one way to make this long trip bearable, it was definitely listening to the soothing voice of my favourite man.
Jett had booked a hotel for us all to stay in, a well known one since they carried the weight of importance with a band like theirs. The strict plan was for Avery to meet us there since her sister was heading into the city for the weekend regardless, so she'd be dropped off long after we'd be set to arrive. We'd get settled in, have a few hours to spare and then it was go time.
I was more excited than I was nervous, fiddling with my hands in the back seat of the car. I'd never done anything like this before. Though as I noticed Harry's eyes land on me once again while I quietly mouthed the lyrics that were blasting through his car speakers, a wave of nervousness crashed through me. Deeper this time, because I couldn't bare to read into what his stare really meant. I was not the kind of girl to do so, and I hated the fact that his small knowing looks had been a perfect start to my morning.
-
"Your key."
"My key?"
"Duh, to your own room." Jett stuck out her hand, a hotel room key waiting to be taken.
My hotel room key.
"Are you sure this is okay? Like, my own room? How much is that? Because I can giv-"
Leon shook his head, "Shut up, love bug. It's on us, well, on management, not a big deal at all." He swiped the key from Jett's palm and stuck it into my own. Harry had gone to park his car in its designated spot in the undercover carpark, while the rest of us stood in the foyer waiting for our rooms to be ready. The hotel had a red ambiance coming from the front, not something I'd seen before and the thought excited me further, wondering what it would look like at night.
The sudden panic ran through me, knowing that Evie had packed my suitcase and knowing quite well that our style wasn't always the same. I watched her as she conversed with the people situated at the front desk, my packed suitcase nestled to my side, waiting to be strolled away. "Seven tonight, that's when we're supposed to be on stage, if we get there around six maybe? Kill a few hours now doin' whatever, I think that'll set us." Leon suggested to Jett as she roamed her gaze around the room.
"Yeah, sounds sweet. Smash a few tunes out and then we'll see where we hitch to later." Jett nodded, now resting her elbows on the outstretched handle of her suitcase. A noticeable warmth could be felt from behind me, a sudden hand placing itself on the small of my back, "Everything okay?" It was Harry, his voice soothing and soft. I glanced at him slightly, gently nodding, "Mhm, just waiting for Evie to sort our rooms out." His presence felt normal, his closeness welcome and making me instantly warm.
"Steppin' up in the world huh? Got your own room and everything, you little groupie." Harry smirked, nudging my hand that held the key. I shyly gawked up at him, "I know. I feel so bad, I don't know how to handle a whole room to myself." It were true, I was so used to sharing things my whole life that an entire room to myself felt like something I should've worked for. "There's no reason to feel bad, you're one of us now." My heart wept the tiniest bit at his words, I'd never felt so included in something before, as sad as that realisation was, it were true.
Evie found her way back to where we positioned ourselves— near the elevators and ready to go up. Behind her came the concierge team, three very professional looking individuals smiling as they approached us, "Welcome, it's so lovely to have you all staying here with us, thankyou. Any information you may have is in the booklets we've made for you, of course if you have further questions, our desk is always open," The main woman spoke, she stepped an inch to the side, pressing the elevator button as she continued, "You'll be staying on our private level, our rooms are ready for you, and we hope you have an amazing stay." Her words matched up with the timing of the elevator as it took only a second after her parting words for it to reach our level, the doors gliding apart and her outstretched hand motioned towards them.
We all nodded, Evie giving her a collective 'thankyou', as we shuffled our way quickly inside the small squared compartment. A ding soon sounded as we arrived on our level, the doors fully opening to showcase the green velveted floor.
"Hey, you good with having your own room? I can always stay with you, if you'd like?" Evie offered as she slowed down to my walking pace. Leon and Jett had flown to their rooms like magnets, leaving Harry to my right and Evie to my left. "No that's okay," I smiled, "why on earth would I turn down my own room?" She chuckled and she rolled her eyes, veering off towards her correctly numbered door.
I rose my glance, coming face to face with my allocated number, shoving the key in and jiggling it around. I noticed Harry only a few steps away from me, doing the same thing and succeeding until he noticed my staring and spoke, "See you soon, neighbour." In a flash, he was gone. Leaving me to push open the door and venture forward, the room was noticeably beautiful. Its rich green carpet and honey colour walls that had distracting patterns amongst them. The double bed that sat in the centre of the room, a small television sitting sweetly upon a dark coloured wood in the corner. Deep orange wrapped itself along the cushioned chairs that were sat beside a small table, the bathroom off to the side and far too chic for just one person to use.
"Jesus Christ." I gushed, walking around in admiration and awe. Finding my way back into the room, I dragged my suitcase all the way over towards the wall, unzipping it and leaving the top open. I speedily scanned through its contents, feeling surprisingly proud of the things Evie had chosen for me, though also quite afraid.
The slight red ambiance that had been outside poured in through the window, grabbing my attention as I drew closer, separating the curtains slightly and dropping my jaw. The view of the city was before me, so active and raw. I'd never seen a sight such as the one I was seeing now, how the red hue created a glow over the city that only I could notice from this very window.
I loved it. The more I stared at it the more I wished I could keep the moment forever. I drank it in, realising that later on tonight, I would be just another body in the city that I was now staring at. Stepping away, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, so I went straight for my handbag, pulling out my journal that I brought everywhere with me. It had been filled with drawings upon drawings, small sketches and heartbreak. It was an all purpose journal of my inner self. I threw it to the side, watching it land on the bed with a bounce as I popped the end of the pencil between my lips and lay forward on the soft plush mattress.
Opening the journal to a free page, I took the pencil from my lips and began tracing the outline of the city, pin pointing key parts that differed in scale. My feet swinging in their bent position, elbows digging into the orange mattress cover. I was in my element.
The twist of a doorknob pulled me out of my trance, causing me to look back at the chestnut mop of hair that had now entered.
"S'just me." Harry mumbled, closing the door and sitting on the velvet chair that was opposite me. "Hi." I softly spoke, shading lightly the horizon of the sky. Harry leant his elbows forward, placing them on his knees as he took in my presence, laughing out in response, "Hi. What're you drawin'?"
I covered the page with my hand, "You can't look yet, it's not ready." He watched me as he lowered his eyes, trying to catch a peak, "Fine. Show me when it's done?" He asked, awaiting my response, "Of course." Harry then looked towards the window, the familiar red hue hovering over his features. I took that as my sign to keep sketching, trying to capture the small details that were home to each building.
"What's your favourite thing to draw?" He piped up, looking towards me, though keeping his eyes far from my page. I let his question play on my mind. What did I like to draw? It was never something I'd asked myself before, the inspiration usually came unexpectedly and with no notice at all. "Things that deserve to be appreciated. Things that are just so beautiful that even trying to draw it won't suffice. There's not really anything that I'm limited to, just visions I'd rather keep with me forever." The words spewed from my mouth unknowingly, a shocked expression residing on Harry's face as he thought about my response.
"Can I see some of the ones you've finished? If you're comfortable enough to show me."
I was comfortable enough to show him, which made me realise just how much that meant because nobody had ever seen the inner workings of my journal. I really couldn't understand why he deemed acceptable, I'd been much closer with various other people but never once felt as close enough to show them the things that I drew.
Wiggling my way up, I pushed myself from the bed, securing the journal in my hands and holding it to my chest as I walked over to him, taking a seat on the end of the bed. "Almost everything is sad, so like, if you think I'm some weird moody girl who draws her feelings out... it's because I am." I warned, feeling the need to debrief him in preparation. His stare felt harder, as he flicked it between my eyes and the book in my hands. "And what do you think I write songs about? All my happy experiences and how joyful my life has been? I write sad fuckin' songs that eventually sound cool, it's the same thing." The more I thought about it, the more I realised he was right. It wasn't the exact same thing, but it was pretty damn close.
"You can flick from the front," I told him as I blindly handed him the journal, "stop when you get to the one with the pencil, I don't like anyone seeing them before they're finished."
"I'm just anyone? I see how it is, pretty girl."
Pretending as if I hadn't heard the name slip from his lips, I huffed, "You know what I mean." But did he? Because I sure as hell didn't, and I hoped that he could interpret my words enough for the both of us. I could barely watch his face as he began to flick through the most sacred pages, pages that had been wept on and flung about. The beginning sketches were an interpretation of my most dangerous self, the one who had definitely been through it, but not enough to be heard. As the pages continue, the sketches noticeably become lighter in emotion, showing the growth of my heart and my ability to move on.
There were bodies and swirls, fruits and landscapes, symbols and dimensions. But no faces. None worthy of remembrance in a book that meant so much. There was no colour at the beginning, just fine black ink to represent the depths of a fragile mind. Now though, there were spurts of colour, some with watercolour and some with paint, only in places that I saw fit.
"Mae," His voice echoed through the room, "these are fuckin' incredible. I mean it. Absolutely amazing." Once I'd noticed that he'd reached the end, he started again, going over the same pages and analysing each one a second time. "They're okay." I shrugged, bouncing my leg on the carpeted floor.
He tore his gaze up towards me, stretching his leg out to touch beside mine and stop the anxious shake. "They're more than okay. Don't downplay your work because you want to seem humble. You already are." The muscles in his arms moved as he flipped each page, I watched them closely, still defined with the ink covering them. "I'm not downplaying, I just, understand that you might not know exactly what it's meant to mean. It's not, art gallery worthy, per se."
"Are there any other ways you'd like to put yourself down?" Harry stated, his skin glowing and fresh. I knew he was capable, but he wasn't supposed to be able to read me so well. "Anyway," I chimed, reaching over and slipping the book from his fingers, "I think that's enough of that. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Stuffing the journal back into my handbag, I dropped back down onto the bed, letting my legs cross as I watched his amused expression.
"I want you to draw me a tattoo."
"Hah, okay." I scoffed in disbelief.
"I'm serious. I want you to draw me a tattoo, it can be anythin'. I'll take whatever you give me."
I couldn't believe his words, they were so unexpected and sure. "Harry, I can't just draw you a tattoo, it'll be on you forever and I- I am way too sensitive to deal with the repercussions of that." My hands gestured as I spoke, brushing off his request in disbelief that he'd said it at all. "There won't be repercussions. I've seen your work, I trust that you'll make the right decision and besides, I'll see it before you tattoo it on me anyway."
"Are you crazy? My works aren't meant to be tattoos, you can't trust me off of that. And there is no way in hell that I'm tattooing you. I don't even need to give a reason, that's pretty self explanatory." I stood up, now far too anxious to sit still. Though there Harry sat, so adamant and calm as if nothing in the world could rock him. "Well I do trust you off of that, and now you can't change my mind. You drew your own tattoo, I really don't see why you can't draw me one." His audacity was unbelievable. How he held so much faith in me, I really wasn't sure. I ran my hands along my tee, their clammy state a result of how nervous I truly was.
I shook my head again, "No way. No. I can help you with it, but I don't trust myself knowing that it's going to be on you forever and- you actually can't make me." Harry cocked his head to the side,
"Oh, I can't?"
Blinking rapidly, I glared his way, "Absolutely not."
"Hm, I'll change your mind about it. I want it, and I won't give it up. So get that beautiful brain of yours into gear, because when I ask you again— and I will— I want an answer." He had now stood up from the chair, arms crossed as he smugly walked towards me. I settled my eyes on the view before me, standing right in front of the window as Harry now joined beside me. I glanced up at him, "We'll see. I don't tattoo though, you'd be signing your own death wish with that one."
"Give me the pen and paper then."
"You're crazy." I exhaled out, focusing back on the city with a grin. "So, you nervous about tonight?" I asked him, turning around with my back resting against the window. Harry sat down again, this time on the bed, directly in front of me. "A little, yeah. M'singing tonight, sometimes we change it up a bit, keeps the fans on their toes." My mouth opened in shock, "I didn't know you could sing."
He nodded, like it was something so blasé. "Surprise." He beamed with a wide smile and jazz hands. "Sing something, right now go." I pointed, rushing over towards the bed in excitement and kneeling on it next to him. He tilted his head back in laughter, "I'd rather not."
"No, please! I really wanna hear, why haven't you told me that you can sing? That is so cool, do you sing the songs that you write as well? I bet you do, you totally would."
"I do actually, yes."
"Could you please sing for me?" I lowered my tone this time, frowning as I eyed him. Yet he just watched me with a grin, like he knew exactly what I was doing and went against me just because he could. "You'll hear it tonight, Mae, didn't know you were so impatient." His body shifted slightly closer to mine without either of us even realising, a sudden change in atmosphere sneaking its way into the room. I pouted my lips, leaning forward on my hands, knowing that I wanted nothing more than to hear how sweet his voice could be. "Fine. But I showed you my journal, it's kind of the least you could do."
Harry's expression seemed as though every word I was giving him flew right over his perfect head of hair, his forest eyes fixated on my lips, his internal battle so evidently clear. I wondered if this was the moment. If he would answer my questions with a simple action. It would be the perfect time to do so, he made me feel so open and seen and he did that by simply talking with me. But I could see the frustration written clearly over his features, the doubt he had and the remembrance of what would be at stake.
So just like I knew he would, his eyes met mine again, "Tonight, Mae." And that was all he'd said as he pushed himself up, and trudged closer towards the door. "M'gonna go shower, probably have a nap before we have to leave. I'll see you later." He paused, waiting for my response even though my mind felt like it had been pulled apart.
"Okay, yeah. I should probably do the same too, start getting ready from now because god knows how long I'll take. See you." I waved, sinking back down onto the bed as he shut the door behind him. Leaving me to deal with the mess of my mind— which wasn't something I particularly felt like doing.
Instead, I let my eyes close, allowing the tight grip of unconsciousness to hold me. It dusted off the worries of my mind that worked overtime, wanting nothing more than to just simply let me sleep.
And that was exactly what I did.
-
It was now go time.
My nap had lasted a tad longer than I'd liked, though still, once I'd woken up, I'd jumped straight into the shower and let the scorching hot water wake me fully. It then took an hour after that to get my makeup completed and worthy— a coral shadow with the same shade lip. I matched my dewy completion with a golden shimmer, placing it along the peaks of my cheekbones and the tiniest bit in the corner of my eyes. I'd gone for an asymmetrical dress, one that was a mix of white and orange tones, bringing it all together with my oversized leather jacket and black stilettos. My hair sat half up and half down, showcasing my beaded necklace and small hoops.
I was finally satisfied, even though it took me far too long to put everything together, the job was now done. I spritzed myself with perfume just as I heard a couple of bangs on the door, "Oi, Mabel, you ready?" Leon yelled from the hallway. Feeling thankful that I was and swiping my purse from the dresser, I swung it over my shoulder and yanked open the door.
"Oh my god." After locking the door and turning around, I was met with the arms of Avery being tightened around me. "You're here! How was the drive? I'm so happy you could come." I squealed, noticing that everybody stood ready and waiting to go. "The drive was okay, other than having to spend the whole time not listening to our main man, Laina had some weird shit playing. You look amazing by the way!" We walked side by side, down the hallway and behind everyone else. Stopping once we'd gotten to the elevators but going forth once they'd opened.
"And look at you, so gorgeous." I nudged her, facing the silver doors that were bound to open any second. Avery wore exactly what she'd planned out to me over the phone— her yellow dainty silk dress with white mary jane heels. "We all look so fuckin' hot, I can't take it. I hope you two are ready for tonight, it's gonna blow your fuckin' minds." Jett clapped, making Avery and I glance to each other in excitement.
As we rushed out of both the elevator and the hotel, I hadn't missed the multiple times Leon and Avery would eye each other, as if the night was theirs and theirs only. I brushed it off, climbing into the back of the black car that had been waiting for us, wiggling my way in and sitting down comfortably only to realise Harry had been situated beside me. He hadn't said a word since he'd left my room in a hurry, I hadn't been his friend long enough to know if it were normal, or if something deeper was bugging him.
Evie and Jett sat at the very back of the large vehicle, leaving Avery, Harry and I in the middle and Leon on his lonesome with the driver. I wasn't sure how I'd managed to score the middle seat again, but I let out a slow breath in hopes that it would calm me. It didn't. And I knew it was because Harry sat broodily to my right, one hand laying flat against his blue slacks and the other resting outside the rim of the window, a newly lit cigarette sitting between his fingers.
I lowered my gaze in the rear view mirror, a shy smile lining my lips as I noticed the pale pink shirt he wore and how similarly it matched with my nails. His chest on full display while his suspenders kept everything in place, he looked amazing and pretty and all the things that made it hard for me to tear my gaze away. But I had to, because who was I to analyse so intently on how he managed to look so absolutely sleek in everything he wore.
"You look exquisite." I heard him whisper, blowing smoke from his lips in the opposite direction as he turned to me. His voice so low and aware that it were only for me to hear. As the dimming sunshine painted his face, he looked all the more enthralling than he usually did, the smoke haze surrounding him looking hypnotic and all things sweet. I was aware that his eyes had scanned every inch of me all in the span of a few seconds. It were impressive.
I was thankful that everybody else had been talking, oblivious to the sweet words leaving Harry's lips and the shy words coming from mine. I tried to fight the grin rising on my cheeks as I spoke, "So do you."
"Mm," He proudly hummed, "ready for tonight?"
I nodded my head quickly, "So ready, I'm really excited. Get to see you perform."
"And everybody else, right?"
"Right." I breathlessly laughed, watching him as he playfully snickered, taking another breath of his cigarette and peering out of the window. He was infuriating. With his subliminal words and mixed meanings, he knew exactly what he was doing and I hated that he could do it so well.
I turned my head, feeling a tap on my leg and seeing Avery's eyes watching me intently. She held a smile that wanted to express much more than she was letting on, "You look exquisite," She whispered as she bit her lip, "I mean, you fucking do. But that was the voice of sex, if I've ever heard one. That man... knows exactly what he's doing."
"That was not- it wasn't anything. We're friends now— which I still need to tell you about by the way. And also, you think that man knows exactly what he's doing?" I smirked as I discreetly motioned towards Harry, "Then you should know, that man," Pointing to Leon, I continued, "isn't any better."
It were true. It seemed as though I had reminded myself as well as Avery that this was something that both Leon and Harry were probably used to. Being fawned and praised over, having people easily fall to their feet after only a few words. But that was not something that I would succumb to, and I could only hope that Harry was being as real with me as he led on.
"Looks like we're in trouble then." Avery shrugged, not looking fazed at all as she wiggled her shoulders.
After fifteen solid minutes of nonstop chatter— mainly initiated by Jett— the tinted car had come to a stop. It was clear that we were in the lower level carpark, the empty spaces and quiet scene told me it was reserved for important people only. It was a strange feeling, being treated so orderly and strict when it didn't feel like we were very important people at all— myself in particular.
"Come on," Harry called from the open door, his hand outstretched and waiting, "speed it pretty girl." I didn't have time to ponder, instead, I met his soft hand with my own, inching over the seats and landing carefully on the concrete floor with my heels.
From then on, everything was rushed. Avery stepped out just as the driver rounded the car to pull back the seats so that Evie and Jett could hop out. It all unfolded quickly, and as I watched the driver shut the doors and zoom off, we were then met with another team of faces who escorted us all through the low lit walls of the bar.
So many faces, so many different people to come across and meet, I had no idea how the four of them did it.
"Right through here," The rough looking man pointed, opening the door and waving us in, "the stage is being set up and doors open in about twenty minutes. I'd suggest you get all of your things ready and one of our team members will call for you when you guys are up."
And just like that, he left.
The small space we now stood in felt crammed and unfamiliar, I felt nervous even though I wasn't the one performing. Leon placed the equipment to the side, shuffling through it again to make sure they had everything they needed. Jett's leather vest caught my eye as she neared closer, "You ready for this, baby?"
"I think so." I grinned as I bit my bottom lip, she adjusted the fishnet stockings she wore, walking closer to the mirror that was placed against the wall, "When we head out, I'll show you where you'll be sittin', it's properly sectioned off so it'll just be the two of you. Make sure you both stay there okay? Things can get crazy if you don't." I focused on every word she said, nodding and making a mental note of what and what not to do.
"Okay, yeah, and then what happens when you guys finish?" I asked, knowing very well that I needed every bit of information possible for me to then relax. "One of us will come find you. Don't stress it, love bug. And remember we're going straight to a party after we finish up." She warned as she peered back at me, fiddling with the buckle to her boots.
My mind was running wild. I could feel it go a millions miles a minute. This atmosphere was one I definitely did not belong in, and I couldn't help but slightly feel out of place.
"Mae."
I already knew who it was, as soon as his voice echoed over to me I turned, seeing him sat on the ragged leather sofa in the corner. Brushing off my thoughts and smiling my way over, I sat next to him.
"What's wrong?" Was the first thing he'd said, and I wasn't sure how he always managed to do it. I shook my head, "Nothing's wrong. How you feeling? Feeling good? Is this what always happens before a show?"
He watched me for a little while longer, with a crease between his brows and an unconvinced scowl.
"Generally, yeah. M'feelin a bit on edge, just want it to go smoothly."
"And why wouldn't it?"
"Want you to like it, since it's your first proper show. Apart from that time at Spandex." He winked.
I rolled my eyes, "You're being far too nice. I'm going to love it, I know I will."
I didn't miss the way Harry's leg bounced as he sat, an evident sign that he was nervous. And it was easy for me to tell him that he shouldn't be— because I already held so much faith in him that I knew he was going to be amazing even before I'd seen anything.
He was nervous, and that was okay, and it was valid. And I understood that there was probably nothing that I could say to help him take that edge off, but I knew that I could be there for him. So without any other thoughts, I travelled my hand across to rest on his knee. My gesture was soft and understanding.
I saw his eyes instantly light up at the sight.
Pale pink and blue.
Much like the outfit he'd chosen, the colours together seemed refreshing and sweet. I could have sworn my heart felt as if though it were about to palpitate out of my chest. I gulped, watching Harry lower his chunky ringed hand onto mine. His golden 'H' and 'S' rings catching the light from above as his warm skin ran through me. Such a small gesture that made me want to blush and look away, though I didn't.
I met his eyes, a mix of emerald and brown as our focus fused together.
I wasn't sure how, but as he smiled his sweet smile, I really felt as if everything would be alright.