NOON PA MAN, MAS MADALI NA PARA SA AKIN ANG TUMAKBO. When all things fail, my first solution is to run. Noong nagkagulo kami sa Bicol, tumakbo ako papuntang Maynila, at noong hindi na naman umayon sa akin ang kapalaran at nasira ulit ang takbo ng aking mundo, I rarely went home.
It felt as if my life was a constant back and forth from Bicol to Manila—kung saan may problema, takbo papunta roon sa kabila. It worked for some time, and I found comfort in that, except today. Today, I didn't run away from my problem, instead, I ran straight towards it—completely blinded.
Kahit na sinubukan akong pigilan ni Weng, Vince, at Jenna, napagtanto rin nila na kailangan ko 'tong gawin. So, they let me.
Madali kong nahanap si Tasha. She was on her way back to the office from her quick trip to an expensive coffee shop in the next building as usual. She was wearing pastel again, and it was in blue this time. Gaya ng dati, nakapusod ang mahaba at unat na itim na buhok. She looked completely unbothered by the fire that she lit on social media when she herself knew that she gassed that up herself.
At iyon siguro ang pinaka nakagagalit sa lahat—how could people be so shameless? Kaya bago pa siya makapasok ulit sa building, nagmamadali akong humabol sa kanya, and as soon as she saw me in my state—swollen eyes and mismatched clothes, she smirked.
"Megan, long time no see. Akala ko malinaw na sa 'yo na you're not allowed na bumalik dito?" Nakita niya sina Jenna sa likod ko at tumaas ang kilay niya. "Ah, you even brought company."
"Ang sama-sama talaga ng ugali mo," I said through gritted teeth. "Ano bang problema mo sa akin at kailangan mo akong siraan kay Kiana at sulsulan siya para i-upload ang video na 'yon?"
"Oh?" she pretended to be surprised. "But is it about you though? May name mo ba there? Or natamaan ka lang kasi you're affected nga talaga because true naman?"
"Hindi ko inagaw si Derek! Wala akong balak sirain 'yong kasal nila. Hindi ako gold-digger at—"
"And what?" she taunted, curling her blood-red lip in disgust. "What? Hindi true na you lied to Kiana despite her treating you as a friend? Not true na you asked for money? 'Di rin ba true na you messed with the designs? E 'di ba true naman?"
Umabante si Vince. "Tasha, gusto kita, pero 'wag mo namang sabihan ng ganyan si Megan. Magkakasama tayo sa Bicol at alam mong hindi 'yan totoo."
Tasha rolled her eyes. "Nobody cares. What matters is nakabalik na ang account ni Kiana with Elixir, and you're out."
"Aba sumosobra na 'tong mukhang color pencil na 'to ah." Pinigil ni Weng si Jen na lumapit sa amin.
"So lumabas din 'yong totoo kung bakit mo 'to ginawa. Gusto mo akong alisin sa Elixir kasi insecure ka sa akin."
"Who will be insecure sa 'yo when you're nothing but an irrelevant, trying-hard, gold-digger? My designs are way better than yours at graduate ako sa fashion school. I have nothing to be insecure about and even your tito thinks so. Promoted na ako after you left, hindi niya ba nabanggit sa 'yo?"
Painful as it was, I kept my chin up high. "'Yon na nga ang nakakatawa e. Sa tingin mo mababa lang ako, pero you went out of your way to ruin my reputation." Hinablot ko ang hawak niyang frappuccino at ibinuhos iyon sa kanya, and I was rewarded with a satisfying scream.
Inihagis ko sa kanya ang bundle ng pera mula kay Derek para sa nangyari sampung taon na nakalilipas at nasalo niya iyon. "Pakibigay kay Tito Erning. 'Yan 'yong pera na pinagkakalat niyo sa internet, 'yan kamo 'yong danyos for ten years ago. Sana makatulong sa pagbayad niya ng lease. Pakisabi na rin sa kanya na salamat sa lahat."
"Oh my god," tili ni Tasha na natatakpan ng yelo ang mukha. "I'll get you for this, you bitch."
Tinitigan ko siya, stripped myself of the same fear that held me back all these years, and said, "do your best, then."
-
The four of us celebrated that small victory at a fastfood chain. Kahit na medyo masama ang loob ni Vince na nasaktan ang crush niya, naiintindihan naman daw niya na kinailangan ko 'yong gawin. Though already happy, Weng and Jenna still had colorful ideas on how to make Tasha suffer. We picked a spot in the corner at nakasandal kami sa salamin na bintana habang ngumunguya na parang mga batang kagagaling lang sa Intrams.
"Alam mo, sana hinila mo 'yong buhok e," sabi ni Jenna pagkatapos isubo ang biniling cheeseburger. "Ang haba-haba ng buhok, sana hinila mo na."
"Ano ka ba, hindi ko naman na kailangang gawin 'yon. Ginantihan ko lang siya sa ginawa niyang pagbuhos sa akin. At least, quits na kami ngayon."
Alam ko na magmula pa kaninang hapon ay galit na galit sa akin si Tasha. She was probably plotting ways to drag me down.
"Quits?!" 'di makapaniwalang sabi ni Weng. "Anong quits doon, be? E siniraan ka sa buong madla, nilason pa 'yong utak ng tito mo at ni Kiana."
"Okay na 'yon. Ayaw ko naman talaga na ng gulo. Kasalanan ko rin naman kasi humingi pa ako ng pera kay Derek at pinilit ko si Tito na tanggapin 'yong inquiry ni Kiana."
Inilapag ni Vince ang burger sa tray. "Pero kung iisipin, kaya pala talaga kinuha ni Kiana ang Elixir kasi may motibo siya. Gusto niya talagang malaman kung sino 'yong ex ni Derek. Akala niya siguro kapag naging close kayo, sasabihin mo sa kanya. Ang 'di niya alam, ikaw na pala 'yon."
"He probably talked about his ex a lot," Jenna mused, nodding her head. "Kaya siguro na-insecure 'yong Kiana."
"E talagang kapag guilty conscience, 'di ka patatahimikin, 'di ba, Vince?"
"Sandali nga Weng at binabasa ko pa 'yong trending topic ni Megan."
"Tigilan mo na nga 'yan!"
Pinanood ko lang silang maghampasan at huminga nang malalim. Kahit nakaganti ako kay Tasha at 'di naman totoo ang sinabi sa akin ni Kiana, I still felt awful. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam na mahusgahan ng buong mundo lalo na kung hindi naman totoo ang sinasabi nila.
Everyone was against me, but they didn't know the truth.
Hindi nila alam na pagod na pagod na akong linisin ang pangalan ko at patunayan na hindi naman ako masamang tao. But it was always easier for everyone to hate someone rather than be open to the truth.
"Megan," gulat na sabi ni Vince at napalingon kaming tatlo sa kanya. He looked at me as if he didn't know what to do, then finally, after a deep sigh, he said, "pinangalanan ka na."
Napamura si Jen at sabay naming kinuha ang sari-sariling cellphone. I was on number four and under the name Megan on the trends was Elixir.
But on the first spot was something I wasn't prepared for: #PresidentialSon.
Sunod-sunod ang tweets tungkol sa pang-aagaw ko kay Derek, at sa plano kong i-manipulate si Theo na nakilala lang bilang anak ni Senator Perez ngayong araw. Our photos together were leaked, and they found out who he was. Maski 'yong mga alam ko na mga kasama lang namin sa Bicol ang maaaring kumuha.
Even what happened yesterday was on Twitter as well. Sabi nila, pinigilan daw ako ng security ni Theo na lumapit sa kanya dahil stalker ako. Kiana liked a tweet that said: Siya ba, Ms. Kiana?
Twitter exploded after that. Maski ang tweet ni Patricia na dating fiancée ni Ronny na karma ay kumalat din.
Right when I was about to go to the tweet that said that Theo should run away from me, nakarinig ako ng flash. Biglang tumayo si Jenna at tinuro ang grupo ng mga lalaki na nakapila sa cashier.
"Ano 'yang kinukuhanan niyo ah? Ibaba niyo 'yang cellphone niyo!"
Inalalayan ako ni Vince at hinubad niya ang bulaklaking polo sa ibabaw ng puting T-shirt para ibalot sa akin. "Halika na, lumabas na tayo rito. Umuwi ka na."
Kahit na napapalibutan nila Vince, Weng, at Jenna, the murmurs were loud enough to reach me.
"Siya ba 'yon?"
"Zoom mo nga, dali."
"Ay oo. Siya nga, day."
"Grabe naman ang babaeng 'yan pala. Hindi nga naman masyadong maganda."
"'Wag mong pansinin, be." Binalot ako ng yakap ni Weng.
Nakalabas kami ng fast food at nakauwi ako nang walang eskandalo, but as soon as I was alone in my bedroom, I was back where I started—crippled underneath the weight of everyone's wrong assumption of me.
Kaya umiyak ako, dahil sa loob ng kuwartong iyon, malaya ako kahit saglit.
-
Nagbasa ako ng tweets buong magdamag sa ilalim ng taklob ng kumot. It was the only source of light I had in the dim room. It was ironic how my light came from these tweets which were aimed to harm me. Halo-halo ang opinyon ng mga tao, but most of them said the same thing.
ItsMeIna
I know we used to be friends, pero I can't tolerate this. #ProtectKiana #SaveTheoPerez
Nakita ko nga sila kahapon sa may bgc area. Kumain sila sa botanical resto there and mukhang inis yung lalaki lol
Paano kaya yan pinalaki ng magulang niya.
High school pa lang daw 'yan, malandi na.
Grabe si girl ang gold digger tlga. Imagine maski ung tito niya ginatasan para ipakain sa family tas sisirain pa business. Walang utang na loob #ProtectKiana
Kiana, stay strong. Mahal ka namin
Yuck to those women who bring other women down.
Ahas. #SaveTheoPerez
That's so distasteful. Kudos to Elixir team for standing up for what's right and to Kiana June for fighter for her man
Imagine if sen perez wins tapos part siya ng first family. U want this megan to be part of the first family? Clown kayo?
Nakakasuka. Ang kati #ProtectKiana
Hindi naman siya maganda actually. Obvious naman na pok—
Sinagot ko ang tawag. "Megan." Rinig ang panghihina at sakit sa boses ni Mama. I attempted to stop the tears, but when she said my name again, it broke loose and I sobbed. Pinakawalan ko ang kanina pang pinipigil na mga luha, I bawled ugly, calling to my mom with every inhale.
"Ma, I'm sorry. 'Di ko po sinasadya. Akala ko... akala ko..."
"Aki ko." Suminghot si Mama sa kabilang linya. "Alam kong hindi totoo, anak. Hindi mo kailangan magpaliwanag. Luluwas kami ni Markus, sasamahan ka namin diyan. O umuwi ka na lang dito sa Bicol."
"May pasok si Markus, Ma. Hindi siya puwedeng mag-absent nang marami kasi graduating na siya. Mapapagod ka lang kung luluwas kayo. Kaya ko naman 'to." I took a deep breath and hugged myself. "Galit ka ba sa akin, Ma? Inulit ko nanaman, Mama."
Mabilis ang naging pagtanggi ni Mama. "Tumawag sa akin si Theo. Sinabi niya sa akin kung anong nangyari." There was a pause, and when she spoke, her voice broke. "Anak, kahit naman anong mangyari isa lang ang gusto ko para sa 'yo, ang maging masaya ka. Alam kong palagi mong sinosolo ang problema kasi pakiramdam mo na kasalanan mo 'yong nangyari sa papa mo pero ni minsan hindi kita sinisi. Hindi mo kasalanan. Walang may gusto sa nangyari."
"Mama, kasalanan ko." I sniffled. Pinagsisihan ko na nakipagkita pa ako ulit kay Derek, na pinilit ko si Theo na maging artist, na nagsinungaling ako kay Kiana, na binuhusan ko na frappuccino si Tasha. "Nangako ako na hindi na ako magkakagusto sa lalaking mayaman, e. Nangako ako."
"Hindi mo naman kailangang isakripisyo ang buhay mo para pagbayaran ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman ginawa, anak. Alam ko na nasasaktan ka at natatakot ngayon. Nagagalit ako para sa 'yo, pero 'wag mo sanang isipin na wala kang karapatan maging masaya. Kung nabubuhay ang papa mo, alam ko na gusto ka niyang makitang masaya." Then, after a pause, she asked, "Isa lang ang tanong ko, anak, mahal mo ba siya?"
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa telepono, and with a deep breath, I said, "Opo, Ma. Opo, sorry."
"Basta mahal mo siya, anak, susuportahan kita at ipaglalaban kita hanggang dulo."
It was the reassurance I needed but couldn't ask for. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan at magulo ang paligid ko, my heart was at peace after learning that I was forgiven and loved by the people who mattered.
Nang matapos ang tawag, hindi ko pa masyadong naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ni Mama—why she spoke fondly of Theo, and how she knew he was different. My head was a muddle of thoughts and accusations from the internet, but when my phone lit up with a text, it all made sense.
Girl, tingnan mo instagram ni theo @theohernandezp dali
At first, I was reluctant, terrified that I would be proven right—na hindi kami bagay sa isa't isa at tama ang mga tao. But my heart tugged at me to go and see, and as soon as I pulled his profile and images flooded my screen, tears rolled down my cheeks again.
It was my first time seeing his Instagram feed, at ayon na rin sa sunod-sunod na texts ni Janna, it used to be private until an hour ago. There wasn't a clear explanation, but the goal was clear—he was defending me, he was proving them wrong. From a thousand followers, it now grew to fifteen thousand, and all there was to see was me.
My sweaty thumb hovered over my screen. Anim na tiles na puro larawan ko. They were candid shots while we were in Bicol. Sa isang black and white na larawan, magkapatong ang mga braso ko at nakakunot ang aking noo. It was when I was outside the Lorenzo family's mansion after Derek and I's argument. Hinahawi ng hangin ang bangs ko, and despite my sulking face, I still looked lovely. That was when I realized, it wasn't a photograph, but a digital art—a depiction of me through Theo's eyes.
Written as its caption was: Hindi nila alam kung anong totoong nangyari, pero ako, alam ko. Sana ito na 'yong huling beses na malungkot ka. Hindi ako perpekto at napaiyak na rin kita, pero sana mas dumalas pa ang pagngiti mo.
The next image was of me with my feet soaked in the pool, nakangiti ako sa Mayon at natatamaan ng sikat ng buwan ang mga pisngi. It was when we were at the resort and it felt as if the world turned its back on me. I was neck-deep in misery that night, and he was the only person with me.
My heart warmed when I read what he wrote.
Ang ganda mo rito at noong oras na 'to, napagtanto ko na mahalaga ka sa akin. Hindi ko maalala kung kailan mismo nangyari. Siguro noong unang beses kang umiyak sa harap ko, o noong sinabi mo na hindi ako failure. Pero sana alam mo na gusto ko mang ipagdamot ang mga pagkakataon na 'to sa kanila kung saan nakita ko kung gaano ka kabuting tao, alam kong dapat nilang malaman.
I inched even closer to the screen, until I found the image of me that made my chest swell and ache as if the strokes of his brushes traced the shape of my heart. In the last tile, I was enveloped in the embrace of the people that mattered to me—si Mama, si Markus, at si Theo. Nakatayo kami sa labas ng bahay namin sa San Juanito, sa tabi ng puno ng libas, magkakayakap at nagtatawanan.
My eyes were squinted and my cheeks were round and full from smiling. It was the most sincere and blissful smile I saw on my face, and with it, came the words that said: malupit ang mundo at madali para sa mga taong manghusga. Alam kong malungkot ka ngayon. Sorry kasi alam kong kasalanan ko, pero sana alam mo na sapat ka sa akin at higit pa kaya 'di mo kailangan magduda o makinig sa kanila. Sana sa susunod na makita kita, kung hahayaan mo ako, mapangiti kita ulit nang ganyan.
This man saw the most unpleasant parts of me, he was with me when I made the poorest decisions, when I was shamed and ashamed—stripped off all pretense and armor, yet he caught the fleeting glimpses of my good moments and immortalized them.
He saw what everyone else couldn't. He was the artist who showed me how he felt through his art.
Sapat ka sa akin at higit pa.
I let out a laugh that sounded more like a cry.
May narinig akong katok sa pinto at pagbukas ko ay nakangiti sa akin si Lola Dally. She didn't understand the extent of what I was going through and how awful the internet was. Pero alam niya ang nangyari mula na rin sa kuwento ng isang mananahi niya at nila Jenna na nagpaliwanag kung bakit ako umuwing umiiyak.
Inabot niya ang pisngi ko at sinuklay ang aking buhok. Muling lumuha ang mga mata ko at inabot ko ang kamay niya, letting it rest on my cheek and bring warmth to my skin.
"Tahan na, anak," bulong sa akin ni Lola Dally. "May bisita ka sa baba. Naghihintay sa labas ng gate, ayaw naman pumasok sa patahian."
"Bisita po?"
Tiningnan ko ang orasan. Sino naman ang bibisita sa akin ng 11:11 ng gabi? Unless...
"Bumaba ka na," sabi ni Lola Dally at tumango sa labas. "Naghihintay siya sa 'yo."
True to her words, paglabas ko, nakita ko nga ang lalaking naka-all black sa tapat ng gate ng apartment. He looked exactly like the Theo I remembered—walang security at mukhang naiinip sa bagal ng takbo ng mundo. As soon as he saw me peeking behind the gate, slouched shoulders and swollen eyes, he smiled.
He smiled at me as if the world wasn't against us. Then, he lifted up a plastic bag that was dangling from his hand. "Malamig na 'yong kwek-kwek at turon pero alam kong favorite mo ang mga 'to."
A tear rolled down my cheek when I shook my head and laughed. "Gago, double B naman, o! In love ka na ba sa akin?"
Imbes na sagutin ang tanong ko ay ngumiti siya sa akin, the kind of smile that he always offered me on bad days. "'Di ba sabi ko sa 'yo, tuturuan pa kitang mag-drawing at tuturuan mo pa akong gumamit ng pinto."
Tuluyan akong lumabas ng gate at tumayo sa harap niya, malapit, pero hindi abot. Bare-faced, terrified, and battered from the wounds caused by everyone's judgement. With a gentle smile, he told me that it was okay; that he saw past that.
Siguro nga tama sila, may mensahe talaga ang mga anghel para sa 'yo tuwing may nakikita kang dobleng mga numero.
"Sabi mo hindi mo ako type. 'Yong type mo 'yong maganda, mahinhin, at elegante."
Labing-isang talampakan, ganoon kalayo ang distansya naming dalawa. It was undoubtedly not the only distance between us. But as soon as we smiled at each other, his reassuring and mine grateful, we knew beyond doubt that we would be okay.
"Lapit ka sa akin," nakangiti niyang sabi at naglakas ako ng loob na sumunod. He wiped away the tears on my face, telling eyes, gentle and certain. "Hindi naman kasi talaga kita type, gusto kita."
—The End—