The world burst back into focus.
At once, the sea of red that had coated everything shattered into a million pieces, color swelling back into Chuuya's vision as the frigid sting of wind chased away the fiery heats of calamity.
The executive hissed at the sudden stab of pain, air whistling crudely between his teeth.
Without the senseless adrenaline that came with Corruption, the exhaustion began settling in rapidly. Where he had once felt fierce and indestructible, he now felt exposed, vulnerable, and very very cold.
"Can you stand?"
The first thing Chuuya noticed about Dazai's voice was that it was close. Too close. He could feel the exhale of warm breath against his face, all too aware of how dangerously near it was to his dumbly parted lips.
He tilted his head back ever so slightly, wide eyed gaze landing on Dazai's glittering one. It was only when he moved did he notice Dazai's hands were wound in his hair, left thumb brushing the spot on his cheek where the crimson spirals had just faded.
It took Chuuya a full minute before he remembered how to speak.
"No."
His voice ended up coming out slightly more irritated than he meant it to. But that didn't seem to bother Dazai, who merely chuckled and withdrew, holding out his bandaged arms in invitation.
Chuuya, lacking the strength to do much else, tumbled into them immediately.
"Let...go of me..." Chuuya rasped, cheeks burning as the detective's hands folded over his back, " God dammit Dazai, let...go of me..."
"But if I do that," Dazai teased gently, "You'll fall."
"Then...let me fall...you moron..."
Chuuya broke off into a shuddering bout of coughs, dimly aware of Dazai pulling him even closer.
He was too weak to struggle, so he didn't even bother. Instead he went slack against the detective's warmth, blinking rapidly to offset the little black dots dancing at the edge of his vision.
Everything hurt...so much...
"Ah, there you go." Dazai hummed once Chuuya's tense form loosened, "Much better. Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"
Chuuya felt as much as he heard Dazai's voice reverberate in his chest, causing the mafia executive to melt with an obscenely warm and fuzzy feeling.
He swallowed, suddenly hyperaware of how dry his throat was and the rhythmic thrum of his own heart against his ribcage.
It was around that moment he decided that he was actually very glad Dazai hadn't let go of him. Partly because the only alternative was the ground. And maybe just partly because there was something very reassuring about the reminder that Dazai was here.
He was safe. They were both safe. And sometimes it felt like that was the only thing that mattered.
Slowly, hesitantly, Chuuya began letting himself calm down.
That was of course, until he remembered just what this feeling was:
I'm in love with Osamu freaking Dazai.
Panic shot through Chuuya. With a gasp, he looked up only to see Dazai smiling down at him. A smile that became somewhat confused at Chuuya's sudden urgency.
Because his luck really was that terrible, the moon happened to be reflecting ethereally in Dazai's deep thoughtful eyes, the stars surrounding him in a faint, silvery halo. He looked unreal. He looked impossible.
Chuuya finally understood what everyone else had always seen in Dazai. And yet at the same time, he didn't at all.
Because at the end of the day, this was more than just a man who was equally cunning as he was bizarre. More than the youngest executive the mafia had ever seen and more than the sharpest detective to ever grave the agency.
It was Chuuya Nakahara's fucking goddam partner. They guy who didn't like dogs and was a terror at dinner parties. Who tried to commit suicide whenever the chance presented itself but never followed through with it. He was brilliant, he was insane, but he was also just Dazai.
And for that reason alone, he was wonderful.
Dazai frowned.
"Chuuya?"
The mafioso looked down sharply.
He felt hot enough to burn a hole in the atmosphere. He wanted to kick himself for it.
"What..." he finally managed to get out, "...happened?"
Dazai shifted him to the side to get a better look at his face. Chuuya saw his partner's eyes shine with an equal amount of humor and surprise before he turned his head pointedly away.
"You don't remember?"
Chuuya shook his head.
Dazai hummed again, and Chuuya felt the vibration down to the tip of his toes.
"It would be kind of funny if I didn't tell you. But I'm feeling generous today so lets see. There was a really gross monster that must have been evil or something because you decided to bring hell down on it."
"Well, I know that much considering I feel like hell," Chuuya snapped irritably, coughed, then added in a more strained tone, "Did I...?"
"Kill it?" Dazai said, "Probably. The thing exploded so I'm sure it won't be much of a problem anymore."
"And are you...?"
The words faltered at the end.
"Am I what?"
Chuuya whispered, "Are you okay?"
There was a pause.
"Are you?"
Chuuya exhaled and nodded. Seeing that Dazai had avoided the question, he decided to come right out with it instead.
"Mackerel, you're shaking."
Dazai's grip on him tightened, only making the tremble more obvious. He probably hadn't even noticed it until Chuuya pointed it out.
"Yeah," he laughed quietly, "I guess I am."
Chuuya gritted his teeth, "It was that damn foreigner that scared you so bad, wasn't it? The second I find her I swear I'm gonna-"
"There'll be no need for that, Chuuya-kun," Dazai said calmly, pointing to the side, "She fainted over there."
Chuuya blinked.
"What? But then-"
"I can't believe you're so stupid," Dazai laughed again, louder, more genuine, "The 'mysterious ability' is no more. It's over. We won."
We won.
Chuuya blinked again. Then he rested his head on Dazai's shoulder as eminent relief washed pleasantly through him.
"Oh."
"Also," Dazai said, "I wasn't scared."
"Ehh shut up," Chuuya huffed, although his words lacked any real bite,
"No really, really! This isn't fear, honest. I'm shaking with anger. Yes, that's right, Chibi. I'm positively furious with you."
"Huh? What did I do?"
He felt Dazai's hands absent mindedly slide down his back, "Well what do you think? You used Corruption while I was miles away. No text, no call, nada."
"Seriously?" Chuuya muttered, burying his nose in his partner's collar. His eyelids felt so damn heavy. Would it really be terrible if he were to just slip off into unconsciousness right here? " Don't be an idiot, I knew you'd come."
"And what makes you say that?"
"You always do."
Dazai's hands stopped. He didn't say anything for a long time.
"But what if I didn't?"
Perplexed, Chuuya looked up.
The detective was smiling a smile that could have fooled anyone else. But Chuuya knew him too well to mistake the sentiment there for anything other than what it was.
The smile was bitter, spiteful. And Chuuya felt his annoyance at it grow just as his confusion did.
Did he miss something? Well -- obviously he had missed something, he had been consumed by a feral energy for the better part of the night. But he couldn't fathom what possibly could have happened to make Dazai say something so- so stupid.
Before he could piece anything together, however, his thoughts were interrupted by the distant sound of propellers slicing through the air. It scattered whatever resistance he had been building up and caused a nauseating wave of dizziness to overcome him.
Is that...a helicopter?
"I'm going to put you down now," Dazai said suddenly, "is that okay?"
"I-" Chuuya began, then nodded, "Yeah, yeah please. I don't...think I can stay up..."
Dazai carefully set him down on the grass then sat back. Chuuya briefly mourned the disappearance of his warmth before becoming preoccupied with trying not to throw up. That sound was just so-
"What is that?"
"Special Divisions," Dazai replied somewhat sheepishly, "I called them earlier when I left the warehouse. They should be well in their right minds about now to arrest our friend Mary Shelley over there."
"Back at the warehouse...?" Chuuya said weakly, "No way. Does that mean you knew how this would all turn out...even back then?"
Dazai laughed, "Well, not exactly."
It was a strange, cryptic thing to say. And it was what made Chuuya realize at once:
Ah, he's shutting me out.
Their partnership...it had ended, hadn't it? With the monster defeated and infatuation epidemic ended, Dazai no longer had a reason to stand by his side.
It was only a matter of time really, until Chuuya passed out and awoke just as alone as ever. The two of them having disappeared behind the border's of their respective organizations until their interests conveniently aligned once more.
This wouldn't be the first time such a situation presented itself. But...it would be the first Chuuya had to actively smother the strange feeling welling up inside of him to one of complacent resignation.
Dazai would return to the side that saved people, where he could stop crime and happily annoy the hell out of his coworkers or whatever it was that he did while being able to pretend none of this ever happened.
And Chuuya would return to the mafia, where he would quietly try to slit the throat of this new feeling before it ruined what he did have.
Dazai was carefully studying his partner's face.
"I lied. I'm actually not mad." he said abruptly when Chuuya's silence stretched out, "It's just...you really have to be more careful, Chibi. That was her plan you know, to get you to use Corruption to destroy Yokohama."
"I-" Chuuya began, shocked -- then sighed. "Well, I guess I'm a fucking idiot. It all worked out though, didn't it? I got rid of the monster, and you stopped me from becoming the monster."
"But what if I didn't?"
"Shit Dazai, I don't know. What if you didn't? Why are you even asking me that?" Chuuya griped, "Do you even hear what you're saying?"
"Chuuya," Dazai said, smile gone as his tone hardened with something serious, "Listen to me. It was close. It was way too close."
Huh?
Chuuya thought, his own eyes narrowing, "What...do you mean?"
"I had to make a choice," Dazai said, "and I think its only by sheer luck that I made the right one. For a moment there, I didn't think I could get to you. I...."
He swallowed, "...I thought you were going to die."
Oh.
Hardly thinking, Chuuya raised his ungloved hand towards Dazai, then remembering the terms they were on curled his fingers into slight fist hovering by the mackerel's face, not touching him, but also not not touching him.
"Hey..." he said, giving him a small smile, "Hey look, I'm here, aren't I? Don't go crying about things...that haven't even happened..."
A pained look crossed Dazai's face. "I'm not scared that I wouldn't be able to save you Chuuya," he said softly, "I'm scared that I won't."
Chuuya's mouth fell back into its comfortable scowl, "Okay, you lost me again. The hell are you saying, you want me to self destruct?"
"Of course not," Dazai said, "But..."
He tapped his head lightly,
"Sometimes...I feel like there's two people up here, you know? One that has so much to protect, who wants us all to live. But then there's also one that couldn't care less...who doesn't see the point in any of it...who only sees the logic and doesn't know what to even do with someone with a heart as big as yours...except use them, except hurt them"
Once again, Dazai's expression was becoming carefully guarded, tucking away yet another secret. And yet again, Chuuya saw right through it.
Because the truth was that as many times as Dazai bragged about knowing everything there was to know about Chuuya Nakahara, Chuuya knew everything thing there was to know about Osamu Dazai
"You really think that..." Chuuya said slowly, "..you're such a mysterious creature, that you're unpredictable to not just your enemies...but also...to yourself? You think you're that terrible?"
Dazai smiled sadly, "A pity, isn't it?"
Chuuya stared at him.
Dazai gave his best effort at a grin, nudging Chuuya with his elbow, "But you already knew that, didn't you? There's no one who knows me better, after all."
It was a joke. It was supposed to be a joke.
It was a stupid joke.
Chuuya didn't know whether seconds or an entire lifetime had passed before he was finally able to come up with a response.
In a slow, almost disbelieving voice he whispered:
"Fuck you."
Dazai looked like he was about to say something mocking, like their usual banter -- but then then looked away instead.
"Fuck you for that," Chuuya said, voice rising, taking that he had nearly touched Dazai with and hitting the ground with it, "Fuck you for thinking you know everything. Fuck you for telling me something as stupid as that even thought I always fucking trust you."
"Chibi..."
"And you know what, fuck you for thinking that's a reason to just shut me out like that. Fuck you for it always taking a goddamn crisis to tell me anything at all. But most of all fuck you for thinking that any of that makes you the terrible on when that person has always been me."
Dazai was caught off guard. His eyes widened, gaze sweeping back to the mafia executive.
"What?" he said, "What? No, you're not-"
"You're going to pretend I'm not?" Chuuya demanded, "that I'm not crass and quarrelsome and probably more trouble than I was ever worth? I know that, okay? I know that -- and I'm sorry."
"Come on slug, there's no need to aplogi-"
"I'm sorry. Because if what you said before is true, then I'm sorry for being a fucking idiot. For not only walking into a trap and bringing the enemy back to Yokohama but nearly destroying everything as well."
"It was a well thought out plan, no one is going to blame you."
"No, you don't get it." Chuuya spat, realizing he hadn't really 'got it' either, not until just then.
"When this all started...before I knew it was an ability...I thought that maybe it wasn't too bad. Because maybe the only reason I ever did anything for the Port Mafia was because I had hoped that I was just as family to them as they were to me."
He was aware he was talking faster, voice sounding almost hysterical. But he didn't care.
"That maybe the Boss kept me around for reasons other than being a powerful weapon created in some convoluted lab. Maybe she was right, maybe I am just some thing desperate for affection -- just a mistake away from burning everything down around me. Maybe I'm the monst--mmphf!"
Dazai had slapped his hand over his partner's mouth, the look on his face both bewildered and slightly panicked.
"Chuuya, stop it." His tone was sharp, eyes glowing with an intensity that Chuuya only ever seen him use before he sent his enemies colliding with the floor.
"Did Corruption rot your brain? You are not terrible, and by god you are not a monster. We've been over this -- years ago. Wanting to be loved -- Chibi that's the most human thing anyone could ever feel."
He removed his hand, expression softening by a fraction, "No one can ever hate you for that."
Chuuya pressed his lips together, unable to do anything about the tears welling up in his eyes.
"Then why do you?"
Dazai flinched. His mouth opened, but no sound came out.
Chuuya then realized that had been a horribly unfair thing to say. After all, Dazai had always been under the impression that Chuuya loathed him just as much.
"Forget it," Chuuya was saying, backpedaling before this situation went sour, "Sorry - I mean -- forget I said anything I don't know why I-"
"I don't."
The rest of Chuuya's words died in his throat.
"...what?"
"Oh, don't get me wrong." Dazai said. "I still think you're the single most disagreeable person I ever met, but-"
He gently brushed the tears away from Chuuya's face, the tips of his fingers lingering by his cheek.
"But I don't hate you. I don't think I ever did." He shook his head, emotions catching in his throat, "How - how could I? How could I when you're you? Chuuya, you're beautiful."
"I..." Chuuya shook his head. These words, his touch, it was all too much. "I don't believe you."
Dazai appeared to hesitate for a long moment. Then his hand slid up, brushing back Chuuya's hair before leaning forward and pressing a light kiss to his partner's forehead.
Chuuya froze, eyes blowing wide at the sensation of cool lips against warm skin. He was suddenly senseless; the word having dipped into a realm that didn't feel quite real.
"How about," Dazai whispered by his ear, voice hoarse, "Now?"
Chuuya tried to answer, but his mind had gone blank. All those worrying and conflicting thoughts had faded into the very recess of his brain; it was like they had never been there at all.
His own mouth parted, and he fumbled around the sudden sheer amount of peace that had settled around him for something to say.
Because there was something to say. He was sure of it. He had something very important to tell Dazai, something that he could only say in that moment. He just needed some time, just a little bit more time to figure out what it was-
But as chance would have it, that was when reality began to waver.
The dark cloud of unconsciousness that typically followed Corruption had begun to implode from every direction, whatever remaining energy that he had sapped from him all at once.
It was something that had happened time and time again, so there really was no reason to why he felt as panicked as he did.
He grabbed Dazai's wrist.
"Be here," he blurted out, hearing and hating the desperate edge his voice took, "Please, can you be here when I wake up?"
Dazai look startled.
He was saying something, lips moving quickly. But Chuuya didn't hear it, he could hardly feel anything at all at that point. With his vision swimming, nothing felt quite real.
He was going to say thank you. But the weariness overcame him and he wasn't sure if he only imagined himself speaking.
And even if he did, he was sure the wrong words came out.
He had whispered, "I love you" instead.