A loud, ear piercing scream surrounds the once quiet house. The crying baby girl squirms around in her ivory bassinet, her face reddening as the sobbing increases. The TV noise in the background is quickly being drowned out and soon, the only thing that can be heard is her.
Upstairs, in the guest bathroom, an emotional Nessa sits on the cold floor with her back against the shut door. Her hands are grabbing at her messy hair that she lazily tied back into a somewhat ponytail earlier this morning. The sound of the bawling baby downstairs causes the ever growing pain in her chest to intensify. Slowly, she inhales a breath of air before counting to eight and releasing. She whispers words of encouragement under her breath- an attempt to convince her that she's got the situation under control and that everything's going to be okay but the doubt continues to play in her mind on loop; mockingly. And it suppresses those motivational thoughts.
The truth is, since being back at home with her new family, Nessa has failed to form any sort of bond or connection with her newborn. The little girl just doesn't have any desire to be held, bathed, fed, or loved by her struggling mother. Whenever Nessa makes any effort to be a mother to her daughter, the crying begins and waterworks stream from them both. The only person who knows how truly difficult it is however, is Nessa. When Josh is home and not attending classes at school or at football practice, he's here at home and is quite literally super dad. He takes charge and lets Nessa rest, let's her have her well deserved alone time and takes such good care of his baby. But when he's gone, Nessa tries her best to be half as good a parent that he is but the bond just isn't there. She blames herself of course. It's not Abigail fault that her mother is practically a stranger. She wasn't the first person to hold her and they didn't get that time together at the start.
In the midst of her thinking, Nessa hadn't heard the crying stop. The lack of bawling sends her into a state of panic and she races to her feet, throwing the door open and rushing down the hallway before taking the steps two at a time. Scenarios begin to rhyme off in her head about why her crying daughter has all of a sudden calmed down. Has she just cried herself to sleep? Did she throw up and choke? Is she okay? Is she still breathing?
The dark thoughts however are put to rest the second Nessa stumbles into the living room.
"Mom?".
From her seat on the couch, Nina tears her eyes away from a sleeping Abigail -who is cradled in her arms- to look up at her bewildered daughter. The sight makes the woman's heart drop. The Nessa that she raised who was always presented neatly and wore a look of confidence was now standing a mere few feet away from her, wearing a pair of unmatched pyjamas and looking like she'd just woken up. It wasn't an easy sight for her to see.
"Oh Ness" she sighs, standing up slowly and walking over to the bassinet. Nessa watches as her mom places Abigail back inside, pinching the babys cheek softly before wiping her hand on her back of her jeans.
"Mom what are you doing here? How'd you even know where I live? And how the hell did you get inside?". The questions were coming out like word vomit at this point. Nina waved a hand to silence the rambling girl.
"That doesn't matter right now Janesa. What the real question is, is why was your newborn daughter screaming her tiny little lungs out and you not being anywhere in sight? When you and your brother were babies, if either of you even stirred, I would be straight there beside you. What's going on?".
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Nessa told her mom everything about how hard it's been for her while they drank some chamomile tea in the kitchen. Nina had placed the baby monitor on the counter just incase Abigail woke back up. Although her relationship with her mother had since fallen apart, Nessa was grateful that she had shown up. It's been forever since she has had a proper conversation about how things really are- no sugar coating necessary. It reminded her of old times when she was still living at home and she realized that she misses her mom- all things considered.
"Honey you cant blame yourself for the bond not being there. It's natural and common in most new mothers. It'll get better with time, trust me" Nina comforts, placing her hand on top of Nessa's.
The brunette offers her a small smile but she knows deep in her heart that it's not going to happen. The feeling just won't budge no matter how hard she dries to drown out the loud thoughts or put aside the all too familiar pang of guilt she strongly feels in her stomach.
"I think I did the wrong thing mom" She confesses out loud for the first time. Nina withdraws her hand and wraps it around her mug, brining it up to her lips and taking a sip of the beverage. She arches a brow, urging Nessa to continue. "I love Josh. I really do and I loved the idea of being with him. The idea of having our own little family and being with each other for the rest of our lives until we're old and sitting on a porch swing."
Nina sighs. "But now?".
"But now I can't help but wonder if I should have stuck to my original plan. Should I have just stayed friends with Josh and seen out the pregnancy for him to raise Abigail? Should I have just walked away before getting too attached to the idea of a family? A family that I cant seem to connect with?".
The truth settles over the two women. It shocks Nessa that the words had even managed to worm their way out but she doesn't regret that they did. Maybe all this time, she'd been lying to herself and the effort she was attempting to put in, wasn't even there at all.
"Do you maybe think that- and this is just a theory- that the effort you've been putting in to try make this family thing work, hasn't even been as much as you're making yourself believe? Maybe this is the universes way of telling you that you never really wanted this to begin with and that finding out the hard way was the only way you could have seen it for yourself".
Ninas words cut through Nessa like a warm, sharp knife to butter. The realization that her mom is making sense made her stomach twist. Had she really been trying to self sabotage this whole time? Was this her excuse to get out of a situation she hadn't even wanted to be in in the first place?
With tears prickling at her eyes, Nessa begins to cry. She had sacrificed and lost everything in order to be with Josh and make him happy that she'd also lost herself somewhere in the process. She truly believed that this is what she wanted and she did want it. At least for a while. But that was before all the pain and trauma her body had gone through. That was before; when she wouldn't silently cry herself to sleep. Before, when she didn't lie through her teeth that she was okay and motherhood was everything she had dreamt it would be.
"I came here today to apologize for the way I reacted when I found out. I wanted to come here and see my grandchild. To see you. And now that I have, I don't think I can leave you here honey." Nina says softly, hugging her daughter.
Nessa wipes away her tears and pulls away from her moms embrace. She takes a deep breath, calming down.
"What am I supposed to do mom? I cant leave Josh. I cant leave Abigail without a mother. As much as this is killing me, I won't do that to them. I love them so much that it hurts. I can learn to be a good mom and I can learn to love being one! I know that it's possible." Nessa cries.
Nina shakes her head in disapproval.
"I'll tell you what you're going to do baby. You're going to go to your graduation and say goodbye to your friends. You'll come back home to your father and I. You'll leave with us next week and-"
"Leave? Where are you going?" She asks, puzzled.
Nina smiles with a glowing look on her face as she thinks about it. "We found a great place in Chicago. Your father got a brilliant promotion at work and I'm going to open my own firm. Julian is so excited to move and meet new friends and he'll be even more excited if you come with us."
A warm sensation in Nessa's heart starts to flourish at the mention of her little brother. She misses him terribly. Moving away and starting fresh may just be what she needs. Josh would understand some day and Abigail deserves better than to be stuck with a mother who can't cope. It's selfish to leave them both behind but right now, Nessa needs to be selfish in order to do what she believes is best for her family. And that's to not be with them.
"He'll never forgive me if I leave. God, I don't think I'll even be able to forgive me". She says.
"We leave on Sunday. If you choose to come with us, we will be more than happy to welcome you home with open arms. If not? You can always come visit. Julian would love it either way".
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"Bambi? I'm home. Sorry I'm so late, the guys wanted to run some extra drills before our last game tomorrow night and I figured you wouldn't mind".
Josh kicks off his shoes at the door before dropping his car keys into the bowl and swiftly removing his jacket. He hangs it up and then makes his way into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. When he doesn't see either of his girls in the living room he goes upstairs to look. The house is unusually quiet- not even the tv is on.
"Babe?" He calls out, opening the bedroom door.
Nessa sits criss- crossed on the carpeted floor, several piles of various clothing stacked beside her. She looks up at him, startled by his presence. She had been too busy to notice the time.
A confused look is etched upon Josh's face when he sees the mess on the floor. What was going on?
"Hey! I'm sorry about the mess" she smiles. "Abigail is in the nursery sleeping so I thought I'd have a clear out since I never seem to have the time to do it".
Josh nods his head before opening up his own closet and taking out one of his beloved red hoodies. He removes his shirt effortlessly, throwing it in the laundry hamper. "Okay well, I'm going for a quick shower before dinner. I thought maybe we could just have takeout? Saves us from having to cook something" he suggests.
Nessa sighs contently at the mention of takeout. She's definitely not in the headspace to slave over the stove tonight. She simply nods in agreement before tidying her clothes back into her closet.
"All that time having a clear out and you're not throwing anything out?" Josh questions with a smirk. Nessa bites at her bottom nip in annoyance.
"What? Uh no, I guess uh some of the things are just too important to throw away" she shrugs.
He shoots her a weird 'uh huh' look before closing the closet door and leaning down to kiss the top of her head.
"Okay I'm gonna go shower now" he laughs before walking out of the room.
Nessa sighs in relief.
"Oh and by the way, I invited Jaden and Mads over for dinner- told them you'd be glad to have some company".
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"Oh my god! She's gotten so big!".
Mad's gushes over baby Abigail who is sitting comfortably in her fathers arms. Josh smiles at the two of them, shoving a forkful of fried rice into his mouth.
"Here, let me take her" Mads insists, already peeling Abigail away from her dad. "This way you can eat without dropping everything onto my god-daughters head" she comments with a playful smirk.
Josh rolls his eyes," Oh please, you've been trying to pry her out of my arms since you got here!" He chuckles, continuing to chow down his chinese.
He wasn't wrong though. Mads had in-fact been trying her very best to steal the tiny baby the second she stepped foot inside the house. Jaden didn't accompany her over for dinner as he was feeling a little sick after practice and didn't want the baby or anybody else to catch the same bug. Mads didn't mind though. She loves spending as much time with Abigail as she can and being around her two best friends was something she looked forward to always.
Nessa returned from changing into something more comfortable upstairs. She was making her way back into the kitchen to tidy up the mess when she was stopped by the sound of loud laughter. Quietly, she peeked around the corner and felt a sting when she saw the sight in front of her.
There in the kitchen, was Josh sitting at the table with his phone in his hands. He was aiming the device at a smiling Mads who was holding an awake Abigail. The blonde held the baby in her arms effortlessly as the little girl made cooing sounds. The clicking sound effect from Joshs phone camera could be heard amongst the shared laughter.
Nessa couldn't help but feel like she had been winded. For there, right in front of her face, was the family that she and Josh had wanted to be. And although no romantic feelings were there for either Josh nor Mads, it didn't make the scene less painful to watch.
It was in that moment that Nessa had decided what she was going to do next.