breathe
There's soft music humming.
I've pressed the fifth floor elevator button like ten times but that doesn't seem to make a difference.
I'm standing alone in my white homecoming dress, the sweetheart neckline decorated in beads and jewels. It falls just above my knees making my legs look long in my white red bottom stilettos.
My hair pined back with braids accenting the curls that fall down my back. My makeup perfectly painted on with a wing of eyeliner that shapes my eyes more beautifully.
I've always wanted to be the pretty girl.
My whole life, that's the one thing I wanted. I wanted to be considered beautiful. It's the only thing that's ever mattered to me. It's shallow I know. Self centered, egotistical, vain; but people love beautiful things.
It comes from a place of insecurity. People didn't like me because I was ugly and a little heavy, it had nothing to do with my personality. At least that's what I told myself.
It was true for a while. Growing up kids are mean and unfiltered. They care about looks.
But after a while, once everyone grows up, people tend to focus more on the core of a person.
My core is rotten.
So I over compensate with beauty. I'm not naturally beautiful, it took a lot to look how I am now.
Beautiful shells are always hallow.
My hair is bleached, my skin covered in serums and moisturizers, my eyebrows waxed and my lashes dyed.
I look like the perfect Barbie doll.
Everything about me screams perfection. My body, my beauty, my reputation, my boyfriend. I'm the perfect American teenager.
That's all been so important to me until tonight. The night I'm supposed to be crowned homecoming queen, one of my lifelong dreams. I've never wanted anything more; but tonight I realized I was wrong.
A stupid crown doesn't mean shit. Being popular doesn't mean shit, having people you don't even like, like you doesn't mean shit, wanting other peoples approve doesn't mean shit.
My whole life's a lie because everything that's mattered to me is worthless when it comes to him.
I was slipping on my shoes when I got the call.
Sitting in front of my vanity to see how perfect I was able to make myself, waiting for Braeden to pull up with a limo.
My friends scattered around my room all trying to get ready for dinner than the dance.
I remember talking to myself in my head. Actually giving myself a pep talk if any of this couldn't get more embarrassing. Telling myself I'm beautiful, everyone loves me, the crowns already mine.
A stupid piece of plastic stopped me from being beside him tonight. From protecting him. From dragging him away so we could makeout behind the bleachers. From not being the one to hold him while he suffered. A stupid piece of plastic has ruined my life.
That phone call sent shivers down my spine.
Harry's mom speaking hysterically about the ambulance that brought him to the hospital from the homecoming game. I don't know how she got my number but I'm glad she found it. She was crying, saying that the security guard found Harry behind the restrooms unconscious and beaten to hell. That his clothes were torn and his face bloody. A hole in his chest where someone stabbed him.
They didn't see who did it, only that he was left there to die.
Someone tried to kill him.
My heels click as the elevator doors open to the fifth floor. The surgical floor. I don't know which direction I'm supposed to go but my feet seem to have a mind of their own.
Two am, and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
I see nurses and doctors running around, almost bumping into me every few steps. Everyone seems to be in a rush and I can't determine if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Yeah, we walk through the doors
So accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you'll are here for the very same reason
I feel like I'm in a daze. Like I'm drifting through almost unconscious as I walk further down the white fluorescent halls. Everything is slow. It's one of those times that seems like you can see yourself as you're moving, watching from higher up and out of your body.
'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can fine the rewind button, girl
So cradle your your head in your hands
Like you're trapped in a sad song. I don't mean for that to sound juvenile, if anything it couldn't be more honest. That feeling of being drowned in emotion, feeling an overwhelming pain that blocks out the world around you.
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
We all have a song that embodies and symbolizes heartbreak. You heard it for the first time when you were broken and now it plays like a broken record whenever you're in emotional pain.
May he turned twenty-one on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But, my God, it's so beautiful when that boy smiles
Want to hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it
It's a way to escape reality I guess. Like your conscience takes a vacation. The mind is an extraordinary thing, it always finds ways to protect itself. To distract from real pain by filling your nervous system with someone else's. Maybe I'm overthinking. But maybe that's what I need in order to get my mind off of the heartbreak filling my lungs.
'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glues to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands
Is it possible to feel someone else's heartache? You hear in movies and books that when someone you love hurts you can feel it. Like it's this supernatural bond that links soulmates together. I didn't feel that when Harry was hurt. I was blissfully unaware, turning myself into the person I've always wanted people to view me as. Being selfish as always.
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
The hallways seem never ending as the noise around me grows silent. The familiar humming of heartbreak is the only sense I can feel. I can't see, everything around me is a blur. I can't smell, it's all faded. I can't feel, it's like I'm weightless as my walk turns into a jog. I can't taste the teats that run down my face. I can't hear, only my mind playing a song, making me believe I've officially gone crazy and given into my panic attack.
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
The closer I get the harder my breathing is. Anxiety fills my veins as I can see the waiting area. I know I look like a maniac with mascara running down my cheeks as I sprint through hospital hallways, passing nurses and doctors. Looking for someone familiar and to tell me my heart is still whole and a part of me isn't in heaven.
Two am, and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my dairy, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
Double doors wait in front of me, taunting me. The heels I'm wearing starting to blister my feet but I don't give a damn. Ten feet in front of me is where my heart is. The answers to my prayers or my worst nightmare. Weightlessness flows through me as I pump my arms in hopes it'll make me run faster. Three more feet.
But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glues to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Yeah, sing it if you'll understand
My palms push through the door to see two familiar faces. Lila and her mother, leaning against each other as they sleep. Harry's mom has her arms around the little girl, holding her to her chest as she softly snores. The sound of footsteps draws my attention away from the mother and daughter.
"Family of Harry Styles."
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, just breathe
"That's us." The once manic voice that I heard screaming now speaks calmly, standing with Lila on her hip, Harry's mother walks towards the doctor. "Hope." She calls me, nodding her head in the young mans direction seeing that I'm standing paralyzed and out of breath.
Blinking my tears away, my heels click towards the three of them. My body feels numb and helpless, not knowing what to expect. My nervous habit of picking at my nails makes an appearance as Lila weakly opens her eyes with a pout on her face.
Her green eyes are stuck on my diamond necklace as I drown out the words of the doctor. My heart is in my ears and I can't seem to focus. Looking at the fresh manicure I've peeled off just makes this all worse. Frantic thoughts and anxiety have been prevalent since I've stepped foot in this hospital.
I couldn't hear the doctor even if I tried. I don't know if I just don't want to know or my mind is stopping me from knowing. Feeling a hand on my shoulder I turn to see Harry's mom with tears in her eyes, her face is scrunched up as she grabs onto me and cries into my chest.
"You can go back to see him in an hour."
My eyes flick to his as he looks upon us with sympathy. Did he just say we can see him? That he's still alive. Or maybe he meant we could go see his body.
Oh God please. Please let him be alive. Please keep him here with me, I couldn't make it without him. I need him God, please please please.
The thought of him being dead makes me choke out a sob. My body feels so weak I can't help but crash down onto my knees. Harry's mom follows me to the floor and holds onto me. I feel Lilas little arms wrap around my neck as she moves my hair and kisses my cheek.
"Please don't cry Hope." The little girl whispers to me, tightening her grip as I lay limp in a pile of my own limbs.
She's just like her brother.
Harry. I've never known what pain felt like until tonight. It feels like a dream, like I'm not even here right now, crying on the floor of Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula.
Ive only ever been here once before. June 21st, you had met me at our spot, you brought wine coolers and burgers from In-N-Out. We were laughing and getting a little tipsy when I slipped and smashed the glass bottle as I landed on my palms. Six stitches. I cried like a baby as you held my uninjured hand. We weren't all that close at the time but you still showered me in small kisses and comfortable hugs. Baby you took care of me, and now you're here in much worse shape than I was.
I know I'm a horrible person because I'm fighting the urge to run. To get away from here and hide. To escape the pain that I'm coated in and just forget everything.
You deserve better than that. You're my heart. You deserves to have me and I promise, I won't ever leave.
Harry if you can hear me, wherever you are, I love you and I'll never leave you. I need you Dimple. Every time I hurt I can see your face. It brings comfort to me to look into your jade eyes and see your dimples on your cheeks. You make my heart pound with fear and excitement everyday. I love you. So please tell God to shove it and stay here with me. Stay with me where you belong.
"You need to stand up Hope." Your mother speaks to me.
I don't know how long we've been crumpled on the floor, I just know my tears have dried up and I've fallen into a state of complete shock. It wouldn't surprise me if I needed to be placed in a mental ward with the psychotic breakdown I feel approaching.
"H-Harry?" I whimper.
Pulling my face out of his mother's neck I instantly feel Lilas little hands rubbing my cheeks in an attempt to wipe my tears and damp hair away.
"He's in his room dear." Her words spark another set of tears to cascade down my face.
My throat rips out another cry and Lila hugs onto me again, trying to calm me down. My eyes stay connected with her mother as she smiles weakly at me, this being to first time we've really been able to look at each others faces. She reaches her hand out for me to take, her grip is strong as she gives me a reassuring squeeze and a tear of her own escapes down her cheek.
"Let's go see him."
With the little strength I can muster, I give her a sad nod with my face still scrunched up in pain and misery. Finding my footing and placing my palms on the ground to lift myself, I see mascara streaks running down my chest and staining the top of my white dress. I don't even want to know what my face looks like if this is any indication.
Harry's mother extends her hand to me, her fragile fingers hold a tiny diamond ring that I'm assuming Harry's dad gave her before he left. To look at her now you wouldn't be able to tell she struggles with mental illness, that she copes with her demons by abusing alcohol. She just looks like a mother that's concerned for her son. A son that she loves and needs. A mother that Harry deserves.
Placing my hand in hers I stand up. My heels causing my feet to ache so I slip them off. I mean what's the point? I'm already a mess why try to save a couple inches of height when that's so irreverent now.
Lila grabs onto her mother's hand that just let go of me. The pair walk in front of me and through the set of doors I crashed into. Slowly I follow behind them, keeping my distance to try and straighten out my head. I'm also beyond terrified to see Harry and what those monsters did to him.
I swear I'm going to find out who did this and kill them myself.
If it weren't for them Dimple wouldn't be lying in room 523 with wires and IVs sticking out of his arms.
His mother and sister walk in first as I watch them from the small glass window in the door. I can feel air in my lungs again as I see Harry with his eyes open and a pitiful smile resting on his face. He looks so broken and defeated laying down next to machines with only a blue hospital gown covering his body and a blanket resting in his lap.
Lila runs up to him and jumps in his arms causing an inaudible grunt to escape his lips. He seems happy to see them here. His mother runs her fingers through his hair and kisses his forehead. They seem to exchange a few words with Lila tucks herself in under Harry's arm.
His mother pulls back and Harry darts his eyes from hers to mine standing just outside the half closed door. His eyes soften as soon as they land on me and I can see the water gathering within his lower eyelid.
Knowing I've been spotted I crack open the door enough for my body to squeeze through. No one says a word as I slowly step further into the room with my heels hanging off my fingers.
"I have half a mind to kill you." I speak first.
Once I reach the cheap stretcher of a bed, I run my fingers up the cotton fabric until the fabric turns to Harry's skin on the top of his hand, which instantly flips over to capture my own.
"I'm sorry about the dance-"
"I don't give a damn about the dance Harry." I cut him off right away.
I would hate if he thought my anger came from not being able to attend a stupid high school dance. That I'm angry he got stabbed and beat to a bulb and had to out of obligation come to the hospital. If he thinks that for one second, anger wouldn't begin to describe the emotion running through me.
"I'm so mad at you," I whisper, sitting on the edge of his bed, dropping my heels so they smack against the tile floor, rushing my body down against his and crashing our lips together. His hand instantly takes hold of my neck, his lips chapped but still the ones I love. My tears invade the kiss, turning it salty and paining me that he's sitting here like this. Our lips pop as I pull back, keeping my forehead against his and just feeling content with his skin touching mine. "If you ever scare me like this again, I'll never forgive you."
With his eyes closed he nods. I know seeing me hurting hurts him, which in turn hurts me. We're two broken people trying to heal each other yet being the ones that causes each other pain.
"I'm sorry, I'll be more careful. I don't want to hurt you." He whispers promises I know he won't be able to keep.
How could he keep the promise of never being in this position again, ripping my heart out while he suffers in agony. He can't keep those promises because it's too late for him to get out of his predicament.
He's already sold his soul to the devil.
So I guess I'm also going to Hell, because there's no way I'm letting him burn alone.
I know exactly the kind of men that did this and I'm not scared of them one bit. Nothing fuels anger and rage like heartbreak and sorrow.
Anger is a secondary emotion after all, but it's oh so deadly.
^^^^^
I hope y'all like this chapter and I hope y'all liked my song choice lol
This song is so personal for me because it's my heartbreak song. I remember sitting out on my balcony while it was raining and crying over a breakup and just hitting repeat on this song for over like two hours lol
It's definitely very emotional for me and so I'm sharing it because I thought it was perfect to drown yourself in emotion to and just one of those sad songs that hurts but also brings comfort
Also for those of you that know this song, Ik y'all were singing it in your head lol
What's y'all's heartbreak song? If you have one... if not you're lucky as hell
Aaaaaand pls remember to keep the comments nice because if you think I won't say shit back... you wrong... I got no problem defending myself and if you don't like my story... don't read it :/
So pls keep it cute or ima block you :)
On the other side of that.. thank you to the one person that was concerned about my well-being lol, I appreciate you and you're now my favorite reader lmao
Lastly pls vote and comment (nicely)
Peace bitches
I thought this was cute 🥰
Song