The moment replays in my mind constantly, even three months later. I wasn't ready for it. I didn't expect it and honestly Joe didn't expect the words to fly from his mouth either. I had known that from the moment they did. His eyes filled themselves with panic as soon as the words left his mouth.
"Marry Me."
The words had left the tip of his tongue as if he had practiced a million times. But I knew that he had no intention of asking me the way that he did. It was unplanned, we were both unprepared. But somehow, someway, my answer flew from my lips without a second thought. And he definitely wasn't expecting it.
"Yes."
His eyes widened with shock; he hadn't expected my answer. He had expected for me to say no, to have some excuse as to why it wasn't the time and believe me there were plenty of reasons I should've said no in that moment. We had only been back together three months after our breakup. We had a multitude of things we needed to work through, and we were not at all ready for marriage. As a unit or individually.
"Yes?" he said, sitting up further and staring at me for a moment, looking into my eyes and around my face to see a single sign of doubt. But he found none. "You'll marry me?"
A smile, one I thought was soft but was probably terrifying had reached my lips. "Yes, I'll marry you." I had told him, disbelief in my own tone, not believing the conversation as it happened.
"You're sure?" he asked, worried.
"Joseph Adam," I started, sitting straighter and facing him fully. "I've told you before but let me refresh your memory."
He sat, waiting for me to continue.
"You make me the best me that I can be. I've never been prouder of the person I am than I am when I'm with you. Being with you has always been the one thing in my life that I've been sure of. When my world was falling apart, you were my constant. Even when we weren't together, I knew that you were the one that would be able to make me be me again. To pull me out of it. You were the only one. I'm still figuring out myself and what I'm passionate about. I'm still learning myself. But you are the one thing I've never had to question. So, am I sure? I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I want nothing more than to marry you." I told him, making that famous smile appear on his lips. The smile I longed to see.
Reaching forward, Joe pulled me into him, pressing his lips to mine in the gentle way I had become accustomed to.
"I don't have a ring." He mentioned after pulling out of our kiss, making me laugh.
"I don't need a ring to accept a proposal."
"I know... but I had hoped to have one."
I laughed at him, knowing he was being fully honest with his statement.
Of course, this conversation had led to many others. Along with many other decisions that as a twenty-five-year-old woman I never thought I'd have to make. And no, they didn't have to do with the wedding. Wedding preparations have yet to start, there were more important things to focus on. The first being something we had started only two weeks after becoming engaged.
"So, what brings you two in?"
"We've had a complicated past," Joe had stated to the older woman seated across from us. "We want to talk about the things that once tore us apart. This way they don't come back around in the long run. We've recently become engaged and want the best for our future."
"What type of things?" the woman had asked, looking to me to speak.
"Um, well, Back in March we broke up. It wasn't a pretty break up, in fact, it brought some of our worst qualities out."
"It was my fault," Joe had cut in, taking full responsibility.
"I wouldn't say that was true," Addison shakes her head.
"Why do you feel it was your fault?" the woman asked, directing her question to Joe.
"I pushed her away. I was getting nervous. I had never felt so deeply for someone, and it was making me nervous. Scared even, I think. So, I picked an argument and I said things that I knew would push her to leaving me." Joe explained.
My fingers had found each other immediately, the conversation at hand made me uncomfortable.
"Addison, do you agree with Joe on this?" she asked me.
My head spun for a moment. "I agree and disagree. Obviously, part of this is true or else he wouldn't have said it. But I also had a hand in what happened."
"How so?"
"Well, I had never been easy to be with. I came from a life where I was forced to be extremely independent, and I wasn't very open with talking about emotion or how I was feeling. So, with that in mind, I feel as though it was most definitely partially my fault. For not being more open, for not being more expressive. It almost felt as if Joe had to guess what I was thinking and that's not the way it should be."
The woman nodded "So, these things that came up, what were they?"
"Well, I had brought up the topic of work. She had recently lost her job that she really loved, and I had been pressuring her to stay out of work because my job requires a lot of travel and I wanted her to be with me rather than back home working."
"And what was said?" she asked.
"I claimed that she wanted to be apart from me and that it had nothing to do with her actually wanted to work. I had said that she just didn't want to spend the time with me." Joe responded.
"Addison, would you say Joe was completely wrong in his feelings?"
"I understand now why he would feel the way that he did at the time. I was constantly talking about how upset I was that my job had closed and that I wasn't able to work. However, on the opposite side of thing, I was very much in the state of mind that he didn't want me working at all which I didn't like. I had always been passionate about working and earning things on my own because as I said before, I am a very independent person. So, I think at the time I got offended at the fact that he didn't know me enough to know that it wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with him, it was more the fact that I needed the aspect of working for myself." I explained, carefully choosing my words so it didn't come off wrong.
"I knew what I was saying wasn't true as I said it." Joe tells her. "I know that she is very independent, and she likes to work for the things that she has, and I respect that especially as someone that can give her anything that she would want. She doesn't want to be handed the things she wants or needs; she wants to work for them herself. But in the moment, I wasn't thinking 'I know this isn't true' I was thinking 'I know this will start an argument'."
"So, the topic of work started the argument it seems."
"Not exactly. It was a factor but what had started the argument was when he called me controlling." I spoke up.
"Okay," she said. "Joe."
"I had basically said that things always had to be the way that she wanted them and there was no compromise. We had made two different sets of plans to see our families and of course she wanted to go see her family and I wanted to see mine, so I mentioned the controlling thing because she wanted to see her family rather than mine."
"When in reality I wanted us to see both but distinctly remembered having plans with mine before having plans with his." I had mentioned.
Couples therapy was nothing I expected to go into at only twenty-five years old. In fact, I had never expected to go into couple's therapy. But there are no words to describe how grateful I am for the experience it was. Our communication now is quite simple. Honesty. Always without exception. Joe's always been really good with being open and honest. Especially when it came to us as a couple. That's the one thing I could always count on. But I, of course, had to work on it... a lot.
"Hello Addison, so, I want this to be an easy experience for you. Have you ever been to therapy before?"
"I am currently in couple's therapy with my fiancé, but individually, no." I answered, my fingers playing with one another on my lap.
"Okay, well, let's start off super simple. What has brought you to starting?"
"Honestly, I've been through a lot for a twenty-five-year-old. I don't really trust well; I have a hard time with communication, and I really just want to learn how to be better with those things for it to improve my life personally but also my relationship with my fiancé."
She nods. "Alright, well, that's a great place to start. You said you've been through a lot, and I definitely want to kind of just jump into that some, if you don't mind. Can you explain what you mean by that? What you've been through?"
"Sure. So, I'm actually pretty open to what's happened to me now. It took some time but when I was a baby I was abducted by my parents' friends. They had just been married and were having a really hard time conceiving. So, they took me and then a couple years later got pregnant with their first child but kept me for the fear of being arrested or whatever the case. So, I spent the first twenty-three years of my life believing that I was their daughter. And then who I thought was my father died suddenly and because of this who I thought was my mother told me everything and I was then able to find my biological parents." I explained, as simply as I could.
"Okay, wow, that definitely is a lot. I understand why you would have some trouble trusting." She said. "May I ask, although this did happen, would you describe your life before you knew you were abducted as happy? Happy childhood and all?"
"Um, not exactly. I lived a very sheltered life. My so-called father worked a super unethical job, so we were always really sheltered and protected. We were trained to fight through life, and we were all supposed to live the life that he was living which wasn't something that I wanted to do and constantly was reminding him of that. However, it wasn't a choice. So, I struggled through my teen years specifically but I did also struggle with it while I was kid too. I always felt different and wanted things differently than what I was given but then also told that I should've been grateful for all that I had. So, it was very demonizing almost."
She nodded. "Okay. So you've, it seems, always struggled with feeling like you didn't really fit into your environment and wanting something more."
"Exactly. When I was twenty-one, I ran away from home, if you can call it that, I mean I was an adult," I laughed lightly. "And when I did, I ended up in Eureka California. I got my own job at a diner, and I met my fiancé there actually. Um, I made a life for myself and my, who I thought were my parents basically kidnapped me and forced me back to Texas where I'm originally from. There I was disowned by them, and I went back and then have just been living my own life since then."
She nodded. "Wow."
I nodded as well, "Yeah, it was definitely a lot."
"So, do you think any of your past, any of that life you had has anything to do with why you have such trouble with communication or the trust?"
I nodded again. "Most definitely. I think it has everything to do with it, honestly. They actually always told me not to trust anyone. It was kind of instilled into my brain to not trust and then on top of that finding out that they weren't actually my parents just broke down my trust almost completely. There were people in my life that I did still trust. They had never given me any reason to not trust them and had always proven themselves trustworthy but new people were just not a thing for me. And then with communication I think constantly being shut down while expressing my want for more for myself or my feelings or whatever the case as I was growing up and especially while I was a teenager, I think affected my ability to communicate because eventually it just felt like there was no point because no one would care."
"Right, right. And I assume that you're working on this because of your relationship mostly?"
"Yeah, I'd say so. We had a huge fight at the beginning of the year and now looking back on it both of us just weren't communicating and we weren't honest, and we decided it was best to work on things together but also to work through our own personal issues as well to have the healthiest relationship possible."
She nodded. "Okay, well, let's talk about what we can do and some exercises we can try, yeah?"
"Sounds good," I nodded again.
Here I am, two months later. Better at communication than I ever thought I'd be. Sure, I'm not perfect, but who the hell is? I have no doubt in my ability to tell Joe how I'm feeling and really, he was the only one I held back from. Mostly from fear of scaring him away from the darkness I had sometimes. Even now, driving home from my appointment with my therapist, I can't wait to talk to Joe about how well the appointment had gone.
Parking my car in the apartment complex parking lot, I take the elevator up to my floor, unlocking the door and walking inside.
"Hello!"
Porky's the first to make his appearance from the bedroom, jumping and twirling around to have my pet him and give him the love he wanted, Joe turning the corner soon after.
"Hey babe," he grins.
"Hi handsome," I respond, walking over and kissing him quickly before setting my bag down.
"Good appointment today?" he asks.
I nod, grabbing a glass of water before leaning on the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen. "Yeah, really good. We talked about what was holding me and you back from telling your family and how it made both me and you a little nervous because of the pressure that I don't think your family means to put on the relationship but does."
Joe nods. "Yeah, I think they just want what's best for me, of course. But that comes off as more of a you need to make this work because Addison is the best thing for you. Which, yeah, I agree. But that puts pressure on me not to fuck up which makes me fuck up and then it also puts pressure on you because you then think like, 'oh shit, they think I'm like what makes Joe good and whatever, I need to make sure he's okay and I need to be the best thing ever' and that's just not realistic. You shouldn't be my babysitter or the reason I do certain things and I shouldn't feel like if I lose you, I lose my value almost. Like, do you get what I'm saying?" he asks.
I nod. "Yeah. It's almost like it makes you feel like your value comes from whether or not we're together. In the aspect of your family."
He nods. "Exactly. Which, I need to talk to them about but while we've been working on us and ourselves, it just wasn't necessary for anyone to know. At least in my family."
"And I don't think it was necessary for anyone to know about our engagement either. I mean my family knows we're together again, but they don't know we're engaged and have been for a few months now."
"Yeah, I mean it's been nice to have something that's ours for a bit. Something that we didn't feel pressured about, or we didn't feel like we needed to be perfect."
"But" I start.
Joe raises his eyebrows.
"I think for me, I would be ready to plan to tell everyone about not only us being back together but us also being engaged."
Joe nods slowly. "You feel ready."
I nod. "I mean, if you're not, I totally get it. I don't want to pressure you into it. And I'm not saying like let's set up dinners or whatever with our families right now. But we haven't talked about how we want to tell anyone, and we haven't talked about when and I'm ready to have those conversations and start planning that so that I can start planning our wedding. I want to marry you at some point. Like, I know it's only been three months, but I want to at least start planning here soon and I want to include our families and our friends in that."
Joe nods again, processing. "I'm open to talking about when and how. I don't think I'm ready right now. But I feel like maybe like, October?"
"Like early October or like trick or treating with the girls October?" I ask, joking slightly.
He chuckles. "No, like early October. Beginning of October."
"Are you sure?"
Joe nods. "Yeah, I think I'm ready, but I need time to get myself prepared first. Does that make sense?" he chuckles.
I nod, "No but yes."
"Okay," he laughs.
"I just want to make sure. Because like I said, I don't want to force you into doing it before you're ready. But I'm confident in us now. I know us and we know each other more than we ever have. Better than we ever have. I'm confident that their pressure or their disapproval, if that's a thing, isn't going to shake us because we know us enough now to not care," I squint before looking at him. "If that makes sense."
He smiles wide, taking in a breath and walking over, wrapping his arms around my waist as my arms instinctively wrap around his neck. "Yes, it makes sense and I'm really really happy that we both now have this confidence in our relationship rather than questioning everything like we used to."
"Me too," I say, giving him a cheesy grin.
He chuckles, pulling me closer and giving me a quick kiss before we stand there, engulfed in a hug for a moment.
"So, we tell our families in Jersey, beginning of October," he says, turning towards me as he goes towards the bedroom again.
"Beginning of October," I nod, smiling.
"Woo!" he exclaims, throwing his fists in the air.
I laugh at his behavior, shaking my head as he jumps on my bed. I then roll my eyes, letting them land on Porky. "Porky!"
He lifts his head, looking at me from his small bed in the corner.
"Do you wanna..." I start, making his stand. "Go for a walk?!"
Porky runs over to the door, twirling as I let out a laugh, grabbing his leash and attaching it to his collar before leading him out of the apartment and outside, starting our evening walk together.
I take in a deep breath, a grin staying on my lips as I enjoy the path we take every day.
This is only thebeginning. My life is starting. And I'm here for it.
♥️♥️♥️
HELLO FRIENDSSSSSS
So I know the chapter is a week later than I said it would be but i wanted it to be a certain way and I am so proud of this chapter and how the writing style.
I'm hoping you guys feel the same way. I'm hoping to make the chapters in this book longer and more in depth for you.
Please please comment and let me know what you think, i absolutely cannot wait to read your feedback!
I also want to say once again thank you all so much for your patience and support it means SO much to me.
all my love,
shan💓