Grace
I really do live a pretty mundane life. I go to class, I go to work. Sometimes I'll go out with people from work, but most of my weekends just consist of me sitting at home alone.
It makes me wonder if I'm meant to stay in Seattle after I graduate. I really do love this city but I don't have anyone but Elle, and she has people of her own. I've been feeling really lost lately because of it.
I'm an independent person, it's something I really pride myself on. I don't get caught up on not having friends often, which is why it's confusing me as to why I'm feeling this way. I like being alone, I like doing things on my own and the accomplishing feeling that comes with it. I like living alone, I like having my own space and I like not having to worry about what my roommate thinks of me when I stay in my sweatpants all day.
And not for nothing, I don't like faking around people or trying to actively get people to like me. I like to think I'm a nice person but maybe I'm a little bit of a bitch if I have a hard time in the stage of getting to know people. I get defensive easily.
So if I know all of this, then why the hell am I questioning everything in my life?
If I were to move, it would most likely be back to Maine and I really don't want to do that. I like being in Seattle a hell of a lot more than Maine. That's what sucks about all of this, I absolutely love it here. I just feel like I'm stuck, I can't get any of it right.
The only thing I'm banking off of is once I graduate, getting a job in my field that would allow me to meet more people. I really do like the people I work with at Harmons, I don't have a problem with anyone here. It's just that it all feels temporary and I don't want to get attached to people who will leave.
Ah abandonment issues, another price to pay when both your parents die when you're just barely a teenager.
But maybe that's why I gravitative more towards Elle, my closest friend that I work with. She's a little older than me and doesn't seem to be in a rush with her life. She loves working at Harmons and she doesn't plan on moving from her position there for a long time. It feels like no matter where I am in the world, she'll be there ready to welcome me back in when I need her. I hope she feels the same way about me, that she trusts me like that.
Even though I feel that way about her, I still don't think I've found my person yet. And I don't mean a romantic partner, I mean my platonic soulmate. I know she's out there, but I have no idea who she is. I really can't wait to meet her, though. I can't wait until I find that person that I can wheeze laugh with until I can't breathe, I can't wait until I can find her and talk her ear off with no fear of annoying or bothering her.
As for a romantic partner, I really am in no rush. I've had a couple of boyfriends in my life, the last one lasting a little over a year and a half. His name is Max, we met freshman year of college and broke up when I was going into my junior year. I had fun with him but he was kind of a douche and treated dating me like it was a game. He'd try to make me jealous by flirting with other girls but then gaslight the shit out of me when I'd get upset with him. He'd make it seem like I was the crazy girlfriend who didn't want him to be friends with girls when that's the last thing I was saying, I just didn't like watching him whispering things into the ears of tiny sorority girls with his hand on their lower back. It made me feel like shit.
After I came to the conclusion that he was just an annoying and narcissistic frat boy who would put his name as Maximillian on things so that he'd look classy, I dumped his ass. He was so angry and was pretty persistent that I wasn't thinking straight. I thought he was never going to leave me alone but then he started dating one of the girls he told me was just a friend and he let me be. I see him around campus sometimes but I always try to walk in the other direction whenever I do.
Since then, I've only really have had a few hook ups and one night stands and that's been enough for me. Like I said, I like the independence and I'm in no rush to find someone just yet.
But right now I'm completely content with my life, besides the glaring uncharacteristic loneliness I've been feeling lately.
I've only been at work a couple hours and I already wreak of coffee a little bit more than usual today. I love the smell of coffee, truly I do. I used to buy candles that smelt like it, hell I'd even take full sniffs of the beans when making my own cup in the morning. But now that I smell like coffee every day of my life, it's starting to lose it's sense of.. je ne sais quoi, if you will.
No matter how many showers I take or how many times I wash the clothes I wear to work, I still smell like coffee beans. I know there are worst things to smell like, but I would love to not grow to hate my favorite scent. I desperately want to love it for the rest of my life.
Even the sweatpants I wear to bed smell like coffee. I don't even know how.
Though I'm complaining, I can't say that I don't love my job. I really, really enjoy it. This coffee shop is one of the safest places I think I've ever been a part of. Like I said, I don't have a single coworker that I don't like and for the most part the costumers are generally really kind.
My coworkers are the closest people I have in Seattle. I don't talk to many people from school anymore and when I do manage to get out of the apartment, it's usually to hang out with the people from here. No ones bitchy or conceited. Everyone is open minded and kind hearted.
And I get to people watch while I'm here. I get to watch the guy who comes in alone every day and works, I get to watch the girl who seems to dress more and more fashion forward as the weeks go by - like she's experimenting with her style and figuring out who she is.
I get to watch the two young people that come in every week and see their relationship start to blossom - how every time they walk in they're standing a little closer together and how she blushes when he buys her iced coffee, or how he watches her when she's not looking. I like watching them, I can tell they'll turn into something good. It restores my faith in love, even though I'm pretty positive they aren't even really together yet - or it's the real early stages of the relationship. I can just tell, though. They'll get married one day.
People walk through the doors of this place smiling, it's hard not too. There is just a distinct coziness that comes with being here and that's something I don't want to take for granted.
Living in a new state all alone is scary. It hasn't really gotten easier like I thought it would. I'm not the most outgoing person, so making friends at school is hard. I have a couple from over the years but once I moved off campus, I realized that the people I was associating with were only in my life because they felt obligated to keep me around.
I don't want friends to feel obligated to be around me. I want people to be around me because they want to be. That's probably asking for a lot, but I just don't want to feel like a burden anymore. I moved here to start my own life, away from the disaster that the life I was living in Maine was.
I love my grandma with everything in me, but I could tell that she saw my mom whenever she looked at me. I can't imagine how hard it is to look at someone who looks identical to the daughter you lost way too young. I felt like I was making her sadder even though she'd swear up and down I wasn't. She loves me, I know she does. She was upset when I said I was going to go across the county to go to school. But I think it's what was best for her, for both of us.
A loud laugh is what draws my attention away from the machine that I was cleaning, so I glance over my shoulder to look at who it is-
Oh my God, that is the most attractive person I have ever seen.
I instantly turn back around to what I was cleaning, closing my eyes at how freaking flustered I just got from seeing him. He's tall as hell and his eyes are crystal blue - I can't believe how blue they are. It's like they were so light, they were almost transparent. I could see them for this far away, that's how blue they are.
His blonde hair is a bit long too, not as long as that guy with the man bun who comes in with his blossoming relationship, but it's a bit curly and goes to the nape of his neck. He looks pretty muscly too.
I don't know if he even knows the person he was laughing with, it looked like he just tapped his back and went separate ways. Maybe he's just really outgoing.
I've never seen him before. Unless he's come in when I'm not here, which would be surprising since I'm always here. I'd say he's never been here before. I know I'd notice him, you'd have to be blind not too. And deaf, because I'm not sure I'll forget what that laugh sounds like. I feel like I could hear it from across a room and recognize it after only hearing it once.
Alright, calm down Juliette. You don't need to go crushing on every single male that walks through the front door. I was literally just saying that I'm not looking for a relationship yet here I am. I haven't even heard his voice yet and I feel like I could start planning our wedding-
"Hey darlin', can I just get a large hot coffee with a bit of oat milk?"
Oh, yeah. I can hear the wedding bells now.
That was definitely him, I can tell. I don't know how I can tell, but I can tell. He's got a deep voice but it somehow sounds upbeat. It's smooth yet has a little bit of a rasp to it.
Hold up.. Darling? Is he flirting with Elle right now?
Lucky bitch.
"Sure thing," Elle responds to him with a smile evident in her voice, and I hear her tapping on the screen. I'm still running this rag over the espresso machine because I don't know how to use my arms for anything else suddenly. I'm just gonna stand here until he leaves-
"Grace?"
Damn it.
I turn around and wipe my hands on my apron as I look at Elle and definitely not at the cute guy she's helping, trying to appear as causal as possible. I don't want to look into his scarily clear eyes. I really don't need to fall in love with a stranger today. "What's up?"
"Mind making a large hot with oat milk? I'm backed up on a couple," she says distractedly, but she's printing out a receipt for another cup and not looking at me. When I quickly glance at him, I see him looking at her. I think he likes that she's not paying attention to him. That's so typical.
Shit. Now I have to make his coffee.
"I gotcha," I agree, but I'm not sure I've ever been more nervous to make a cup of coffee in my life.
I grab the cup and walk over to brew the most nerve wracking container of beans that's ever existed, once again wiping my hands on my apron to try and calm myself down. I know he's standing off to the side but I'm not looking at him, I can't look at him.
Why am I so flustered? Tons of cute guys come in here and a decent amount flirt with me. I don't get intimidated by men but I feel like I could choke on my own saliva at the mere thought of him standing right behind me.
He's just so... fit. He's got that sexy athletic vibe going on, but he's not a meathead. God. I can't remember the last time I was this attracted to a stranger.
The coffee finishes way to fast for my liking, though it's probably for the good. I take the cup out and put only a little bit of oak milk in it, since I heard him say that to Elle even though she didn't relay it to me.
I try to take a deep breath as I put the lid on and slip it into a cup sleeve, because this is the last second I have until I look into those crystal blues.
When I turn around, I feel like my breath gets caught in my throat again. I pause like an absolute idiot because he's watching me. How long has he been watching me? I've always noticed that when costumers are waiting for their drinks, they tend to use their phones or look around awkwardly - but not him. He strikes me as the kinda person who would have a conversation with the person next to him waiting if there was someone there. And then that person would fall in love with him no matter how they swing because hello, this man is quite literally the most attractive person I've ever seen in real life.
I push past my nerves and smile at him, I really hope he doesn't see through it.
Why is he so good at holding eye contact? I haven't even put the coffee down and I feel like we just had a conversation purely with our eyes. I'm suddenly annoyed that Elle didn't ask for his name to put on the cup, because I sure as shit won't ask him. I'm way too nervous to do that.
He looks like he has a cool name. Maybe Carter. Or Dillon, but not spelt like how Dylan is normally spelt. Or maybe Luke?
I put the coffee on counter and push it towards him. "Large hot with oat milk?"
"That's me," he smiles back. Oh dear God, that smile. I've never seen one like that. His teeth are perfect and the expressing stretches across his entire face, you can even see it in eyes. I don't know exactly what it is, but it makes me never want to see any other smile but his forever.
What's happening to me right now? I'm not a soft girl, so why the hell do I feel like I'd lick the floor that hasn't been swept since 7AM if he asked me too?
I feel like it's to good to be true that he's talking to me and I don't like that shit at all. He's a guy, Grace. He's a fucking man, we don't get caught up over a man. They're men.
"That's a strange name," I blurt out. Holy hell. That may just be the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever said. What possessed me to just say that? I think I was trying to make a joke but that was the worst fucking joke ever told.
Oh, and he knows. He knows that was awful. He's looking at me with an attractive smirk that tells me just how much he knows how awful my attempted joke was.
"So is... wrack?" he responds, his mouth still twisting up into the smile that's so pretty I would want nothing more than to just slap it off his face.
I have no idea what he means, though. I'm staring at him in pure confusion and he sees it, so he gestures to my shirt with his head as he leans his elbows on the counter - looking like he has no intention of walking away.
Don't do that. Your arms look really good when you do that.
Please keep doing that.
I realize that he's motioning to my name tag and my lips roll into my mouth when I see it. Our tags are reusable, so they're made of chalkboard and we write our names on them every shift. The G and the E on mine somehow rubbed off and currently just says RAC.
Rac. Fucking Rac.
"Oh, yep. That's me," I give him a tight lipped smile, somehow not being able to tell him that my name is definitely not fucking Rac. I feel like I can't get a damn word out that's not gonna make me look like a complete fool.
He doesn't move. He just stands there leaning against the counter with his hand turning his coffee cup, studying me with narrow eyes. I don't know what to do, so I take my rag and start wiping down the machine I just used to make his coffee.
But he's still standing there. Maybe he isn't as outgoing as I thought because he's not trying to make a conversation with me. I don't know what he wants from me, so I say, "It's about to be a large cold coffee with oat milk if you keep standing there like that."
That was bitchy. I didn't mean to be bitchy. God, why am I such a bitch sometimes?
He lets out an amused but breathy laugh as he stands up straight, shaking his head once with a whistle. I look over at him but only to watch him look over at Elle. Is he really checking her out right now?
He looks back at me with that smile that's now annoying me more than anything. I'm not sure if it's because he suddenly seems cockier or if it's because I still want to put my mouth on his mouth - but regardless, it irks me.
He taps his fingers a few times on the counter as says simply, "See you later, Grace." With that, he takes a sip of his coffee that I know is scorching hot still with ease and walks towards the door.
He knows my name?
I can't seem to take my eyes off of him as he shakes the hand of the guy he laughed with when he walked in. The guy says something along the lines of good luck tonight, which makes Mr. Bright Smile dip his head and give him a wave as he leaves. I have no idea what he's doing tonight, but I hope he gets there safely.
"He was hot, huh?"
I spin around and see Elle making a latte. "Hmm?" I ask.
She glances over her shoulder at me before she goes back to making the coffee. "That guy. He was cute."
"Oh," I answer, still feeling stupidly flustered. I hate that he checked her out. I hate that she's prettier and nicer. I'd like her more than me too. "Yeah. He wasn't bad."
That's all the conversation that surrounds the guy who's name I never actually caught. The guy who made me feel like I was going to pass out just from his smile.
The guy who's either going to be the light of my life, or will fucking destroy it.