"Are you sure you sure you'll be fine?" Mahina kong tanong sa kanya habang pinapasadahan siya ng tingin. It took us an hour to compose ourselves. Kung hindi pa yata tumawag ang katrabaho ni Rahim ay hindi pa kami aalis rito.
His twilight blue eyes met mine in a blissful moment pero agad niya iyong iniiwas bago ayusin ang salamin at kamutin ang tungki ng ilong at suklayin ang buhok. Masyado talaga siyang halata kapag nahihiya siya dahil sa mannerism niyang 'yan.
"I still need to meet Ysaac for one of out case." Marahan naman akong tumango dahil sa sagot niya. I want to convinced him to take a reswt first but he seems so determine to go. He was filled with a lot of emotions and hormones awhile ago, I doubt if he can still manage to work after. But he's Rahim, there is nothing that he can pulls off.
"Let's go, I'll accompany you to your car." He said while grabing his leather sling bag. I smile a little before gripping on my hand bag tightly at sumunod sa kanya palabas ng conference room.
We silently walk side by side patungong parking lot. Tahimik at hindi nagsasalita. It was an awkward silent, indeed. Hindi na rin naman ako magtataka dahil sa emotional breakdown naming dalawa kanina. I know for a fact that we are both sensitive from what happened and I guess we should give ourselves time to let it all in and sink.
For now, the silence will do.
Nang marating namin ang pwesto kung saan naka-park ang kotse ko ay tsaka lamang ako nagkaroon ng courage na magsalita.
"Thank you... Rahim." I said in a low voice, may bahid ng hiya at 'di kasiguraduhan sa boses ko. I heard him sigh a little before responding to me.
"You sould be careful on driving. No texting." Mapaniguro niyang saad at ibinulsa ang isang kamay. Maliit naman akong napangiti at pabirong napairap sa sinabi niya.
"You should get going. Your colleague is probably waiting." I reminded him at hindi naman niya napigilan ang ikot ng mata dahil doon.
"I should really smack Ysaac sometimes. Him and his fucking timing." Tinaasan ko naman siya ng kilay ng marinig ko ang isang mura sa kanya. Nang makita niya ang reaksyon ko ay agad siyang napakagat sa pang-ibabang labi. Napailing naman ako ng makitang mabahiran ng guilt ang ekspresyon niya.
Pinatunog ko na ang kotse ko at binuksan ang pinto ng driver's seat.
"Be sure to text me when you're home." He whispers in the cold wind. Napatitig naman ako ng sabihin niya iyon sa akin. He immidiately divert his gaze ng matama ang mata namin. I bit the insides of my cheeks to surpress the undying feelings inside my stomach as if my whole internal organs are shuffling.
"I will. Mag-ingat ka sa byahe." Saad ko bago pumasok sa loob ng kotse.
"Yeah. Good night, Monique." He said one last time while looking at me with those tantalizing twilight eyes.
"Good night, Rahim." Mahina kong saad habang naktitig sa mga mata niya. He was the one who shut the door of my car. After that, he step back a little but stayed there. As if waiting for me to drive my way out.
Kahit pa pakiramdam ko ay may nararambulan sa dibdib ko ay pinaandar ko na ang sasakyan ko. His reflection stood on the side mirror of my car. He's just there looking at my car as I lost him when I exited the parking lot.
Buong byahe pauwi ay punong-puno ng hindi maipaliwanag na mga ideya ang utak ko. To start of, the big revelation on what happened 10 years agon and the reason to why he flew away.
Hindi ko maisip kung paano kinaya ni Rahim ang lahat ng nangyari. After the accident, he was probably lonely on the tranfer from the Philippines to the States because he got no one beside him, consciour or not. I know I was in pain back then too, especially after knowing that Vico died. But I will not invalidate Rahim's pain over what happened just because I have it worse.
I couldn't also imagine how Rahim and his family dealt with their father's death. I can still remember when he told me what a noble and respectable person his dad is. Kahit pa hindi ko iyon nakaka-usap sa video call noon dahil madalas itong nasa ospital, I trust Rahim's word and think highly of his father.
He was Rahim's role model and hero. I don't want to see how broken Rahim was when his father died. Because I know how painful it is and how dreaful the feeling is when you have to let go of someone that will never ever come back no matter what you do.
Death is something familiar to me. It is something that I can relate to. It is something I knew for a long time. It is the main cause for my serotonin level to rise and my endorphin hormones fight. The grieve that comes after, the sadness and then the guilt and never ending self-loathe that I could have done more and they wouldn't go if I had.
Somewhere deep inside of me wants to comfort Rahim on what happened but there is also a voice inside of me that feels indifferent towards him. I mean its been a decade since what happened. We both changed for the better, I guesss. I know for a fact that the Rahim that I'm looking now is not the same Rahim that I loved 10 years ago.
If its only easy to manipulate our feelings easily, it would have been better. Kung kaya ko lang utusan ang katawan kong mag-release pa ng oxcytoxin just so I'll more love or endorphins just so I can numb the pain. But that is not how feelings works nor hormones.
And I know that I'm not the same Monique from that timeline also. All the pain and lessons that I have gained all through out made me into another persona. I couldn't hide the fact that I'm not weak-hearted anymore, I'm not the old Monique who's shy and quiet. After all, I have been facing people my whole 10 years of journey for the medical field. A lot has changed from my personality.
We were both a different people now. Although we have been a part of both of our past, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be part of our present lives. Lalo na ngayon, we both have our shares of bigger responsibilities. Besides, not everyone is meant to stay in our lives, right?
Pagkadating ko ng bahay ay agad akong dumiretso ng banyo para makapagbihis. I didn't even have the power to prepare dinner and just ordered some chinese take out dahil doon ko lamang naramdaman ang pagod. I almost fell asleep on my bath tub dahil sa exhaustion.
When I was finally lying on my bed after my long bath, doon ko lamang naisipang i-check ang phone ko. I received multiple texts from Annica threatening me that if I don't speak with them soon ay sasakalin niya na ako ng buhay at ipapatapon kay Cap. Napairap na lamang ako dahil doon. I still can't believe that she flew here from US just to kill me. Si Aryanna naman ay nag-send lang ng paalala na kausapin ko ang galit na galit na si Annica.
I both replied to them that we can talk over when my day-off comes. Matapos kong i-send ang mensaheng iyon ay nag-pop naman ang isang message galing kay Rahim.
From: Atty. De La Luna
I arrived at our meeting place. Are you home now?
Naging linya ang labi ko ng pasadahan ko ng tingin ang pangalan niya sa phone ko. My heart skips a beat when I read the attorney before his name. The sudden surge of dopamine inside of me makes my cheeks blush and fuel the sense of pride inside of me. I felt proud from unknown reason knowing that he's really a professional attorney now, and is really known in his job.
To: Atty. De La Luna
I just finished changing. Yeah, I'm home. Thank you, Rahim.
Hindi pa nag-iisang minuto ay nakatanggap ulit ako ng reply galing sa kanya.
From: Atty. De La Luna
Good. I'll just finish this and then head home. I'll text you when I'm home.
To: Atty. De La Luna
Okay. Take care.
That night, I slept like I had just finished a 24 hour shift even though I didn't! I just knew that the loud ringing of my phone irritates the hell out of me. Nang tamad kong abutin ang phone mula sa bed side table ay agad kong nakita ang pangalan ni Annica sa caller ID. I immediately sit straight from my slumber, fearing for my life.
"H-Hello?"
"Bitch, open the goddamn door before I even asked Cayden's troops to smash this fucking thing down!" I literally jump off my bed when I heard what she said. Halos madapa-dapa ako pababa ng hagdanan ko just so I could open the door as quick as I can.
I know Annica will deliberately do anything she said! Walang impossible sa babaeng iyon!
Hingal akong binuksan ang pintuan ng bahay ko at ang galit na mukha ni Annica ang bumungad sa akin. Aryanna's at the back of her, rolling her eyes at mukhang hindi rin gustong nandito siya sa bahay ko ng ganito kaaga.
"A-Annica, h-hey!" I sounded like a guilty criminal when I uttered those words. Hindi niya ako pinansin at dire-diretsong pumasok sa loob ng bahay ko at ibinagsak ang sarili sa sofa ko.
"Hindi ka papasok sa trabaho mo hanggat hindi ka nagpapaliwanag sa akin Monique Angel." Narinig kong saad niya sa pormal niyang tono. Mariin akong napangiwi habang sinasara ang pinto.
When I try to ask for help from Aryanna ay wala na siya sa tabi ko at naglalakad na papunta ng kitchen ko.
"Annica, can we talk about this some other time?" Alangan at may pangamba kong tanong sa kanya. Kung kanina ay galit lamang ang itsura niya, ngayon ay parang may lalabas ng usok mula sa mga ilong at tenga niya. She looks so pissed she could pinch me into a pulp!
"You don't get to say that! Do you know how worried I am when I realize who the fuck that man is?! I literally flew from the States, left my head-overheels boyfriend there and my high-paying and fucking demanding job just so I could see for myself that you're okay! But the next thing I saw was you, dragging that man away from me!" Hindi ako nakasagot dahil sa sinabi niya. The guilt creeps at the back of my throat like a poison. Ang dibdib ay nanikip kasabay ng pag-ikot ng sikmura dala ng konsesya ko.
I know for a fact that my friends are very protective of me because of what happened in the past. I cannot blame them to be this strict especially to Rahim who was involved of my emotional and mental havoc for over a decade ago.
"So no! You don't get to tell me to talk about this for another time! Monique, that fucking guy left after your freaking accident! I don't care what his reasons are! I was there when you're having an emotional breakdown! I was there when you feel nothing! That fucking guy left without even a goodbye!!!" Annica's eyes are filled with anger and rage, on the verge of crying. She was always the tough one, she was the one who don't chase things down and let things come her way. She is always the one who stood still after all the mockery and inferiority that she got.
She never shed a tear.
Hindi ko napigilan ang pag-init ng sulok ng mata habang tinitignan siya. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako makahinga dahil sa bara sa lalamunan ko habang pinipigilan ang sariling maluha habang tinitignan ang galit na ekspresyon ni Annica.
Aryanna settled our coffees on the table bago subukang aluhin si Nica. Napaiwas naman ako ng tingin bago tuluyang humugot ng malalim na hininga. I know I owe them an explanation. I know they need to know what happened, what Rahim told me and what I personally feel.
So I muster all my remaining strength and try to tell them everything in detailed. From Rahim's sudden disappearance against his will, what happened to his father and his family.
Annica sits there with her full atention on me. Ganoon rin si Aryanna habang sumisimsim sa kape niya.
"I know that his explanation is valid. He decided on what's best for him at that time with what he knows, that may be wrong or right. It's not me to decide. I just need to process everything else." Pagtatapos ko.
Napabuga naman si Aryanna ng isang mahabang hininga bago binalingan si Annica.
"What is his ultimate motive on coming to your hospital. Yes, it's one of the best but there are far greater hospital that can pay him triple. Why is he there?" Diretsong tanong ni Annica sa akin.
"He kinda hinted that he wants me back, I don't exactly know how intimate he means by that." Sagot ko at nanahimik.
Annica sulks herself in her own thoughts at nabalot kami ng mahabang katahimikan pagkatapos noon. It is nice to share my problems with my friends, but the uncertainty on how they should feel about this scares me.
"Monique, you know that above all people. You're the one that I want to protect the most, right?" Hindi ko nasagot si Annica ng sabihin niya iyon.
"Kahit pa kailanganin kong itapon si Aryanna sa Bermuda Triangle or iwan si Cayden, gagawin ko just so I could protect your peace."
"What the fuck is that scenario there, Del Rosario?!" Singhal ni Aryanna
"I don't want you to go through all of those again. Even if it means that I have to sacrifice something, I will. Just so I could spare you from the pain. You don't deserve to be broken all over again."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at agad na tumabi kay Annica para yakapin siya. Aryanna combs my hair with her fingers as her way of soothing me. Some tears fell from my eyes just from hearing those things kay Annica.
Their reaction is valid. After all, anger is just an emotion that comes after from its origin. She's angry because she's scared for me.
I really do love my friends. From the start, they were always there. Mula noong unang pagkakataon na bumagsak ako, sa pagbangon at muling pagbagsak. Hindi sila nawala. They were always there, trying to protect me with all that they can just so I would not undergo the same level of pain again.
Annica lectured me over breakfast that morning. Sinigurado niyang hindi ako nagu-undergo ng kahit anong emotional distress dahil sa nangyari kahapon. I told her over and over again that I'm fine, just exhausted.
Parte na rin yata ng pagtanda ang pabibigay ng katiting na atensyon sa mga bagay na hindi naman nasa unahan ng listahan ng mga priyoridad mo. For the mean time, I have to focus on the my work dahil marami akong schedule na pasyente sa linggong ito.
Nang makarating ako sa ospital ay doon lamang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na i-check ang phone ko. That's when I notice two texts from Rahim last night.
From: Rahim
Just got home. I'll take a shower before going to bed. Did you eat dinner?
From: Rahim
I guess youre pass asleep. Good night, Monique.
"Hoy! Dr. Angel!" Agad kong binulsa ang phone ko ng makarinig ng tawag mula sa likod ko. When I turn my back, I immeidately saw the both radiating sunshine Cassie with Niccolo on her side.
Hindi ko napigilan ang pagtaas ng kilay ng makitang masyadong pormal ang suot ni Niccolo today. Cassie on the other hand cling her arms on my mine and smile widely at me.
"Na-miss kita, Dr. Angel! Kape tayo soon!" Saad niya sa akin at idinikit pa ang sarili sa akin.
"Ngayon na lang ulit kita nakita Dr. Cass. Saan ka galin?"
"Nako! Pinag-bundok ako ng nanay ng bwisit na lalaking ito! Alam mo kung 'di lang opening ng kaso mo ngayon, baka inaway na kita!" Nang marinig iyon mula kay Cassie ay agad akong napabaling kay Niccolo.
I forgot that today was the opening of his hearing already! Paano si Rahim kung ganoon?! Kagabi lamang ay anong oras na siyang nakauwi, all setting aside the emotional fountain that we opened yeasterday! That man! Hindi ba uso sa kanya ang stress sa buhay na ito?!
"Today is your hearing? Oh my God! Niccolo!" The panic in my voice is evident dahil hanggang ngayon ay wala pa 'rin akong nakukuhang mali sa nangyari sa kaso niya! I haven't even put out my help yet!
"Don't you worry about this! I got you, Doc!" Pilit na saad niya at peke pang tumawa. Bakas ang kaba at alinlangan sa kanya.
I lightly tap his shoulder kaya naman agad na siyang bumalik sa normal na sarili niya at bumanat na naman. Niccolo seems tense but he really is trying his best to hide it and appear like it was nothing. I know that this case is making him weak on his knees because it may really cause him his career.
Cassie and I decided to treat Niccolo over a light breakfast para naman maibsan ang kaba niya sa kaso niya. After that, I headed towards my office to start my day.
Chineck ko muli ang phone ko for any important things at nakita roon ang isang missed call galing kay Rahim at isang text message.
From: Rahim
Good morning. Are you at work now?
Marahan akong napakagat sa pang-ibabang labi ng ma-realize na tinawagan ko na ng makita ko ang mensahe niya. Alinlangan ko pang inilagay sa tenga ko ang phone ko habang inaantay siyang sumagot. Hindi pa tapos ang pang-apat na ring ay narinig ko na agad ang boses niya.
"Hey, good morning." his hoarse and low voice sent shiver down my spine as if it's a stimuli to release my happy hormones through my blood stream. Napahawak ako sa ilalim ng aking tenga ng marinig ko iyon.
"Hey. Good morning, I'm in the hospital now. Y-You called?" I whisper in a low voice, not even sure if he heard me right.
"Yeah, you didn't reply last night. I thought I should check on you." Mariin akong napapikit at napakagat sa loob ng aking pisngi ng marinig ko ang kaswal na mga salitang iyong sa kanya. His taking my breathe away by how smooth he is talking to me now, as if we didn't practically breakdown last night. Grabe, Rahim! May hindi ka ba kayang gawin?!
"I fell asleep, I'm sorry. Are you in court right now?"
"It's fine. Yeah, I have an earlier consultation with my colleauge so I was early."
"Uh-huh. How about Niccolo's case?"
"We still couldn't find a concrete evidence to save him from this case but I have a few in mind that could for the opening statement."
"I'm wishing you goodluck. I know you'll do well, Rahim."
"Hmm baby, yeah? Let's grab some dinner when you finish off?" dahan-dahan akong napakagat sa pang-ibabang labi ko ng marinig ko iyon. The way his sexy voice vibrates and echoes inside of my ear sends off a tingling feeling all over me. Parang may nagkakarerahang mga dugo sa dibdib ko dahil sa biglang kalabog noon ng marinig ang sinabi niya.
Hindi pa pinag-iisipang maiigi ang dapat isagot ay naunahan na ako ng bibig ko. My mouth responded as if it was program to tell otherwise.
"Okay, I'll see you for dinner."
"That will be great. I'm going now, Monique. Remeber to eat on time."
"Yeah. I will, Rahim."
"Okay, I'll be going. Take care. See you later, baby."
"Okay. Goodluck and take care."
Nang ibaba ko na ang tawag ay doon ko lamang naramdaman ang panlalambot ng tuhod. I didn't even think twice on agreeing with him! My whole body just did its job! Pakiramdam ko ay lumulutang ako sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan. The sudden sugre of adrenaline makes my heart beats faster and my stomach crumple into a pleasant feeling! What the hell is this?!
Why did I agree on having dinner with him?!