Well, my goal with the US Army was not necessarily to provide good service to the Gringos and get the Medal of Honor, it was simply to do what I enjoy, to fly and earn my own money. First I informed my parents about my plans to go to the US (not brave enough to mention that I wanted to become a pilot of the US Army there yet). They both stood beside themselves when I broke the news to them. My dad was speechless, he had lost all his facial features and after some 30 seconds, my mother entered into a tirade of scolding and even went to the extent to slap me, after realizing, that I was serious. After an hour of battling, we were all too exhausted to continue the dispute. At the end of my wits, I went to my room, collapsed on the bed and cried. An hour later, I wanted to ride out, to get away from it all for some time, however, my room was locked. Banging at the door, drove my mother to the spot and through the closed door, she yelled at me, that she would keep me locked up, until I came back to my senses.
In the evening, my dad came and brought me dinner. I was mad and I did not talk to him, but I realized, that he was crying. My dad crying, was a rare sight, my plans must have brought him to his wits end as well. As I refused to talk to him, he put the tray down on my bed, turned around so to walk out but then turned in the doorframe to face me again: "I know, your plans of breeding horses, have gotten thwarted. I'm sorry about it, but I really cannot afford to start breeding race horses right now. I need to save our farm." I said nothing, but pouted in response. What my dad had said, was a true statement, which I already knew. After some 30 seconds, he continued: "I want you to be happy. If going to the US makes you happy, I give you some money so to get you started." Then he closed the door, but reopened it a second later again and added: "It will break your mothers and my heart though."
My mom slapping me, was much easier to bear, than that statement. I cried, I did not wanted to break my parent's heart. They were my beloved parents after all. Next morning, my mom opened the door to my room and brought me breakfast. With an angry undertone, she greeted me: "So what's the decision?"
I barked back: "Fine, I will stay and be a farm aid."
"Don't be so dramatic. We will find you a decent man again, where you will be the grand dame of the house."
I blurted out: "I don't want to be the grand dame of the house! I wanna make something out of myself."
"Yes, if you wanna make something out of yourself, we have to find you a wealthy man."
"That's not what I want."
Quite aggravated she replied me: "What is it then, princess? What is it then, what you want?"
"Flying."
"Flying onto your nose? And I thought your dad talked some sense into you yesterday evening?"
"Sense? He even offered me money so that I could go to the US, but he said it would break your hearts and that's not what I can do. That's why I'm staying."
"Estupido mocoso", she yelled with new fury at me. She put on a fire red face and stomped out of my room. A rampaging steed could not have been any louder.
I should not have said that, because now my poor dad was in for it. When she found him, she made a scene. She was so mad, she did not even care about the servants overhearing everything. She was so infuriated, that everyone in the house could hear her, even I in my locked room. Apparently, they did not discuss my dad's offer from yesterday night together.
Later that day, my dad let me out and I went back to working my usual routine at the farm. I did not have much motivation though. I had no goal in front of me and so I did my work without passion and commitment.
On the oncoming weekends, my parents, foremost my mom, dragged me to parties where unmarried young people had the opportunity to connect. By now, I had gained a tiny bit of life experience and I had learned to listen in between the lines of what people said. When I had a conversation with a prospect, and I figured, he wanted me to take care of the house and the kids, then I was very quick in mentally discarding them. In the rare occasions, when I dropped a word about my real plans and desires it either produced laughter or big question marks on the faces of my conversation partners. Very soon, I stopped mentioning anything the likes. It was just useless. Women had to be in the house, period. Then, I met a widower, 40 years old. His wife had died in the childbed, after having given birth to their third child. First, I thought, he is too old for me, but he shared my passion for horses and so, at least I could have an exciting conversation for a change.
He invited me for rides and he let me even ride one of his racehorses. I quite enjoyed the time with him and he quickly fell in love with me. Our conversations then also touched a possible common future and I realized, that this man would give me all the freedom I wanted. He had three children already, so if I wanted children or not, was up to me and his house was well taken care off, no obligations I would have in regards. For some reason however, I felt a heaviness on my heart.
Juan did have two racehorses and so I brought up my idea of breeding racehorses in order to restart our conversation.
"Breeding racehorses", was his surprised question? "What did you have in mind?"
"Well, I thought about building up a stud step by step."
"OK, I believe, that blows my budget. Can it not just be like three racehorses, maybe? They will already keep you occupied."
"My goal is to breed fine Mexican racehorses and make money with it, my own money! If you give me a bit of budget so to get started, that's all I need." There, his jaw dropped open, he had just lost all his wits and I quickly added to ease the situation: "If not, then I'm sure, my dad will give me money."
I looked him in the eyes and he slowly repeated: "Make your own money! --- I cannot allow that. People will think, I'm a useless looser without balls." Un hombre inutil sin huevos, were the exact words he used.
So much to granting me freedom. Our conversation dropped dead at that point. Later in the evening, when I was alone in my room, I thought about it all. I very much liked Juan, but I did not love him. I put myself in a vice, thinking, that I could be my true self as his wife, follow my dreams and all that. He was as much a prisoner of Mexican culture as I was. The only way to break free from these clutches was ---- to become a man!
Two days later, at the dinner table, my mom unceremoniously asked me: "So Maria, how are things coming along with Juan?"
"What do you mean?
"Well, you have been seeing him long enough now. It is time, you get married", she pointed out, without politely beating around the bush.
"I'm not sure, if I'm ready yet", I hesitantly replied.
She threw both arms up in the air and barked: "Ahh, una joven chica bonita sin ton ni son."
So, according to my mother, I was without wits and reason. My dad tried to ease the situation: "Juan has asked as for our blessing for your engagement. He came to Pedir. I begged for a couple of days to talk to you first."
"Mas stupido! You know how to trip right into the pit don't you", my mom suddenly and furiously fired at my father?
"What wrong did I say", was his flabbergasted answer?
"Our daughter needs to get pushed into her luck and when I push forward you pull backward!"
"But what good is it, to push her, when she is still hesitant?"
She joined her fingertips, moved them up and down in front of my father's face and scolded: "Los hombres no entienden a las mujeres! A young woman is confused. After the first child young women slowly understand how life works, but obviously, you don't know that, because you are a man!" My dad did not exactly understand, what my mother was trying to tell him and as he still tried to process it, she already continued: "Did you ever know, when I had my period?" This line did make even less sense for my father and so my mother pointed it out: "See, a woman knows, when another one has her days." With that line, she had lost my father entirely. I have to admit, she lost me too. I could not see the connection between her period and my potential marriage. My mother was looking into two clueless faces and finally she made herself very clear: "Tradition is, the groom comes to the parents to pedir and the parents give their OK and the daughter marries the groom. There is nothing like asking for a couple of days to talk to the daughter. Your father does not value tradition. It's so embarrassing. Now for you", pointing her index finger at me, "you will say YES, when you love Juan. You", still pointing at me, "will say YES when you are hesitant and you", drawing circular patterns with her index finger in front of my face now, "will say YES, when Juan gives you an engagement ring. Do you understand that?" "But ...", I did not get any further, when I was stopped by my mom: "Callate la boca ahora!" To finally finish our conversation, she threw her flat hand up in the air in a dismissive gesture. The next evening, Juan came to our house with his car. He wanted to take me to a fine restaurant. As it was a surprise, I needed my time to get ready. When we were on our way to the restaurant he started: "You know, I want you to be happy with me. So, I thought about a way, you could have your stud without me losing my balls. Officially, it will be my stud and I will hire a foreman, who will handle matters on my behalf. However, the foreman will not get his orders from me, but from you. Would that work for you?" I had to give Juan credit, he really tried. He wanted me to be happy. OK there were limits. He did not want to lose his balls in the process. I had the feeling, they were valuable to him. Still not really being comfortable with it all, I carefully replied: "I guess!" It was half question, half agreement. Juan added: "It will be necessary for the stud to make money though. I cannot afford it as a hobby. Sorry." The poor guy felt sorry, that he was not rich enough to finance me such a hobby. The problem was, the whole thing did not feel right for me anymore. It felt like Juan was forcing himself and I was forcing myself or getting forced by my mom or getting forced by society or all of them at the same time. Once we had been seated, before the food came, he said: "You know, I love you very much." He waited and when I said nothing, he continued: "I asked your parents for your hand. I came to Pedir, but your father demanded some time to discuss it with you. Well, it's against tradition, but times do change and I'm OK with it. After all, I want you to be happy. Now I thought, according to tradition, I have to wait until your father comes back to me, but then, times change and I had the feeling, it's right to ask you personally. So, I thought, I ask you before we officially engage." After a short pause, he added: "I guess, I'm stupid? A man should propose correctly or don't do it at all." He shook his head in denial of his own action, thinking he had made the wrong move.There again, he was very much a prisoner of tradition as well as I was, but he wanted to make it right for me. He respected my feelings, my wishes, he respected me, Maria, and I very much appreciated it. This guy really loved me. Back then, the problem was, my heart felt heavy and I was confused. My mother was right, even though I neither understood her back then nor had much of a clue what was going on in my heart. I should have said YES, marry a man who loves me and went far to make me happy and spare me much of the hardships I faced in the life ahead of me. Then again, if I would have said YES, I would not be the woman I am today, one who entirely stands on her own two feet. I might be chasing servants through the house and take offence at dust on the cupboards. I did not know what to say and he kept quiet waiting for me to come forward. My heart still felt heavy and eventually I could not stand the silence anymore. I'm a woman and it's so awkward for me, when people don't say something. Without thinking before talking, I blurted out: "I feel like in a vice. My mom is pushing me." The stupid words were out and Juan lost all facial features and after some 30 seconds told me with a trembling voice: "OK, I don't want that. I love you very much and would be the happiest man on earth, but it requires for you to feel the same. The marriage, which is behind me, was an arranged marriage. My former wife and I did not see us until the wedding. Over time, we learned to respect each other, but we never loved each other. I don't need that again. Therefore, take the time you need to make up your mind." It was very hard for him to say that. He was emotionally shaken and his voice was failing him several times. The rest of the dinner was very awkward. We did not say another word, just silently consumed our food. I could hardly bear it and several times was at the point of saying YES, just to break the silence. Then however, my heart felt so heavy, that I could not articulate another word. I was sitting there, opening and closing my mouth as mute as a maggot. After the restaurant, when he led me to the front door of our house, I realized that he was crying. Gentleman like, he kissed my hand and left. I don't know, all that happened to Juan, we lost contact. Years later, I got to know, that he had married again, and I really wish he did find the right woman and has a happy marriage.
Juan picture:
"vintage man" by <def> is licensed with CC BY-NC 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/