The Following Morning;
Hailey Ackles...
Jensen and I had spent the majority of the night listening for any sign of Shayne being in distress, but all had been quiet. I hope that meant the pills worked and she had gotten a restful sleep. Jensen and I decided to have a lazy morning - having not slept much, we both needed the rest.
Upon waking a couple of hours ago - we had made leisurely love before heading into the shower where he had dropped to his knees and buried his face between my legs. I swear the man was far too good at fucking me with his tongue - so much so that I had almost fallen when he brought me to an earth-shattering climax; my legs had turned boneless as pleasure swept through my entire body and had he not been holding on to me I fear I would have properly cracked my head open when my knees gave out on me.
Being with him - our chemistry had never been a problem. I knew that just as sure as I knew that I needed to breathe to stay alive. And as we slumped down onto the bed after our shower - I knew that my world was better for him just being a part of it. I dread to think of where I would be, who I would be with had I not met him when I did. Granted he is the only man I have ever been with sexually, but I am not ashamed about that fact - I love that he is the only man who has ever seen me naked, who has only ever made love to me and touched me.
From the moment Shayne took me home to her house for a sleep-over at the age of 13 - I had known the moment my eyes landed on him that he was it for me. Some people talk about knowing the moment they see their partners for the first time that they were who they would end up marrying. I am one of those people. I am lucky because he had felt the same way and it was only a matter of time before we got together. I had known it the moment those translucent green eyes had latched on to my own. I had felt it down to my very core. And even now, with all that has happened I can't imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else, and I wouldn't change one single second of our time together. Not even, the cheating.
Now don't get me wrong I hate that he had cheated, I hate that he had risked everything that we had for a quick lay but if I am being honest, truly honest with myself, I think it was probably a blessing in disguise. Clearly, we had some issues that neither of us were really aware of having. I mean we had to have, right? If things were all perfect, there is no way that he could have done what he did. I just had to hope that this would only make us stronger in the long run. I already feel like we have reached a new level of understanding and acceptance with one another but please don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten what he did, but I have begun to forgive him. Some people can't, or don't want to see the difference between the two. I had been one of those people. But now, well now, I could most definitely differentiate between the two.
To forgive him is to allow myself the peace that I needed - being angry at him, being bitter about what he did had only made me ill and had started to turn me into someone that I wasn't happy about becoming. For my own sanity I had to forgive. However, I will never forget the way I had felt when he did what he did and if it happens again, there is no coming back from that. I will not allow myself to become a doormat for anyone, least of all a man. And he knows it too. I have been nothing but completely open and honest with him about what I feel and what I want for the future for both of us.
I look at Shayne and in the grand scheme of things - what Jensen had done - well it was something that could be forgiven. What Jonah had done to my friend - well that was something that would never be forgiven. How could it? He had taken her essence and he had warped it until she is barely the woman I have grown up with. I mean I look at her now and it is like looking at a stranger and I could understand that; he had violated her and taken her spirit and snuffed it out in one fell-swoop. I hated him for that. I hated him for all that he has put her through. And I don't hate people, I could count on one hand the number of people I hate.
"You're awfully deep in thought over there," Jensen slid across the mattress until his frame was resting hard against my body.
"Just thinking about us -," being honest with him was something that always seemed to come like second nature. I did trust him - I always trusted him, that was never an issue. Even when I was mad as Hell at him, I had this sense of trust in him that confused me more than I could even begin to understand.
"Anything good?" He tenderly reached up and brushed the hair from my face.
"Honestly?"
"Always!"
"I am thinking about how lucky I am -," I admitted and instantly his eyes widened, "I've shocked you?"
"I mean - yeah, that is not at all what I expected you to say, I guess I have to ask why?"
"Seeing what Shayne has gone through with Jonah - I have come to realise that I am so blessed that you are nothing like him and I know that there would never be a time when you could even think about doing to me what he did to her. Jay, I love you and am so thankful that you are the kind, loving and proud man that you are - I know that I am safe with you, I have always been safe with you and that is not something that I take for granted,"
"Thank you for saying that beautiful. I can't believe how Goddamn lucky I am that you forgave me. That you found it in your heart to forgive me. You say I am a good man, but that is only because you make me that way, Hail' - because without you - I would truly have nothing. You are my sole-reason for being and that isn't something that I will ever take lightly ever again,"
Leaning in close his lips brushed against my own and I caved into him. Accepting the tender kiss for what it was - a promise. A promise that nothing would ever come between us again. A promise that we would always ensure that we thought of the other before we did anything. A promise that we would love one another completely.
Yes, we may get angry or frustrated with one another, but we now knew that was something that we would have to talk through and not allow it to warp our judgement ever again. We had come far too close to losing everything we worked so damn hard for and that wasn't something either of us was prepared to allow happen.
Jensen Ackles...
"Jay, I love you and am so thankful that you are the kind, loving and proud man that you are - I know that I am safe with you, I have always been safe with you and that is not something that I take for granted," my wife's words play over and over in my head. I know how fucking lucky I am that she still thinks that way and there is nothing in this world that will ever make me risk losing her and all we have built together again.
I'm not going to lie - I wouldn't have blamed her if she told me to fuck off and divorced me for what I had done. I hadn't just risked losing her, but I risked losing everything we have built as a couple and that is a concept that isn't lost on me. Our home would be gone in an instant, my stability and security would be lost forever because there is no other woman on the planet who would ever have my heart the way my wife does. Given what I did, I know that must be hard for people to understand, but if they could see our lives, the way we are with one another - they'd get it.
Even now as I look back on it, I still can't believe that I was so fucking stupid. I risked everything for a quick fuck, and not even an enjoyable one at that. It certainly wasn't memorable, that was for damn sure. I am such a fucking asshole. I have to find a way to ensure that I make it up to her and there is no damn way that I am ever going to fuck it up again. I know that I won't get a second pardon - one more foot wrong and I am done. I know Hailey well enough to know that is gospel without her even having to say the words.
Hailey said that I was a proud man, well the same could be said for her - she was full of pride. Pride in the woman she has grown into, despite her rough up-bringing. Pride in the friend that she is to those around her. Pride in her job, which she takes seriously. Pride in how she treats others, which was always as kindly as she could manage. All of those things were what made her the amazing woman, and wife that she was. I have no doubt that if I mess up one more time I will be gone. Our marriage will be over, and she will move on. Just the mere thought of her with another man is enough to make my world feel like it was off kilter.
"You've gone scarily quiet on me," she softly reached up and tenderly wiped the hair from my eyes.
"Sorry, I am just thinking about how much I love you,"
"Charmer!" She giggled softly.
"I'm serious, Hail' - I know how royally I fucked up and I am not too proud to admit that I wouldn't have blamed you for walking away from me, but let me just be clear, I am beyond glad that you didn't. I just don't feel like I deserve you -,"
"Stop right there, babe, you made a mistake - I am not a heartless bitch who doesn't understand that mistakes can happen. I may not understand how it gets that far but, I know you well enough to know that you are sorry for what you did, and I know you are beating yourself up far worse than anything I could dish out. But I want you to stop - you have apologized and have assured me that it will never happen again, and I believe you, you need to let the guilt go before it destroys you and what we have,"
"You are incredible, have I told you that lately?" I asked her, my arms claiming her tiny body and rolling so that she was laid out over the top of me, as I came to rest on my back.
"You may have mentioned it once or twice," she smiled down at me.
There was nothing that I wanted more than to spend the rest of the day locked up here in this little bubble we have created but it simply isn't feasible. Not with what is going on with my sister and that fucking loser ex-boyfriend of hers.
"Well, just to be clear I should be telling you much more than I have been. You are incredible and I am the luckiest man alive to be able to call you, my wife!" Placing light kisses across her beautiful features and the smile she flashed me was pure radiance - Hell, it was so bright that it blinded me for a moment.
"I love you!"
"I love you more!" I replied.
"Not possible, but it's cute that you think that!" She giggled as heat stained those beautiful cheeks.
Lifting my head, my lips slammed against her own and she melted right into my hold and the kiss. This was exactly what we had been looking for when we came here - the space and the time to work through what had happened at our own pace. There simply wouldn't have been any way we could have done that at home. The media was just too present. Here we were relatively unknown which meant that there weren't many paparazzi lingering around. At least there hadn't been until the news had hit about Remy being charged with G.B.H. once that story got out it was almost like open season - the media, the paparazzi and even some fans had found us tucked away in our little haven and now we were all living behind closed and locked doors, all curtains and blinds kept closed because they had already gotten some photos of us when we had thought we were safely out of sight.
I want to make it better for my sister. Right now, my own issues have sort of taken a back seat as we have been trying to help Shayne come to terms with what happened to her.
My sister was a proud girl - the thought of showing weakness in front of anyone had always been a no-no for her but this was different. She was different now. And I didn't know what to do to make it right, or if I even could make it right. Short of creating a time machine and going back in time to stop the rape happening at all, I am at a loss on how to help her. It pains me because she had always been so vibrant and full of life and now, well now, she is so lifeless that I don't know if she can even make it back to who she once was.
"Whoa, you just got that serious look on your face, what's going on?" Hailey asked me, pulling herself up onto her elbows to look down at me.
"Just thinking -,"
"About?"
"Shayne," I admitted, giving my wife her due - she shifted into the new conversation easily and without complaint of the topic of us taking a back-burner for a moment, and focusing on my sister, "what do you think about offering to fly her back to the states for a bit?"
"I don't know, baby. I know that you want to help her and do whatever you have to, to get her through this but running away has never been her style and while she may have been changed by what happened, that fundamental need to dig her heels in, is still there, I saw it yesterday when we got back from the doctor's office. We may have to just accept that she plans to stick it out here and fight for her place in the community she has been living in for the past 5 years,"
As much as I didn't want too, I had to admit that my wife was right. Shayne was incredibly strong and independent - there wasn't a time where she had relied on anyone else to fight her battles, and right now, she may be asking us to keep things at bay, but I have to believe that she will fight her way back to us. I had to believe that. Because if I didn't, I had to admit that my sister as I knew her may be gone forever.
And I did not want to accept that. Not yet at least.