Hades dunked the custard cream into his tea, letting it soften for seven seconds before removing it and taking a bite. With a contented sigh he leant back in his plush leather armchair as he felt the warmth seeping to his stomach. Seven seconds, the perfect amount of time; any less and the crunch was too notable, anymore and you would wind up with a sodden mess at the bottom of your bone china teacup. Nobody wanted that.
Just like Thetis dipping Achilles into the River Styx, Hades swirled the remaining half of the biscuit in his cup by holding only the very edge so that all possible surface area was covered.
Hades had needed this. So many things had gone wrong recently; Persephone leaving him indefinitely, the fires from the pits spreading to the record offices and of course there had been that incident with his assistant. That had been unfortunate. Still, it was not the end of the world (yet), and what problem cannot be solved with a nice cup of tea and a plate of biscuits.
Yep, there was no doubt about it, life was on the up.
There was a knock at the door.
Gently, Hades placed his teacup back on its matching saucer and pushed them to the side. One never knew what form of demon was going to enter that door and it was best to move any breakable object out of direct harm's way.
"Come", he said using his deep voice reserved for business. It was always good to have them trembling before they walked in.
The door opened without a squeak. Hades was a big fan of WD-40.
Whatever devilish creature Hades had been expecting, the thing which entered through the door was not it. Most demons liked to show their true colours as it were, rotting teeth, decaying skin, unpleasant warts. Some chose to imitate Hades, with immaculate suits, highly styled goatees and shoes which clicked. Then there was Woe who had gone the whole shebang, walking round looking like a zombie who spent an inordinate of time at the gym. This demon was even more bizarre.
A little below average height, he had blond hair which flopped over one eye and stuck up at the back implying he had got it done at a salon which specialised in electric shocks. His plain cotton shirt was void of a tie and only half tucked into his poorly ironed trousers, a thing which made Hades clench his toes. Walking in with a jaunty step and a gleam in his eyes, he gave a nervous smile to Hades. All in all, he was the definition of charmingly scruffy.
Hades scowled.
"And who might you be?", Hades asked.
He asked this in the same way a police officer would ask a man drenched in blood with a hatchet slung proudly over one shoulder 'I take it you're going to plead not guilty?'. Ready for disappointment.
The demon smiled and did a part salute part bow which turned into a strange version of the Jitterbug.
"Spike, Gov".
"Spike?". Hades' scowl grew deeper. "What are you, a dog?".
"No, no, not at all Gov", Spike was quick to reassure. "Although they do say my great uncle Menace was part hyena. It was the teeth you see, Gov, and the warped sense of humour".
Hades had to close his eyes for a moment. The day had started out so hopefully.
"I care not about your genealogy, do not vex me with such things. I asked who you were Spike and all I received was a poor excuse of a name...."
"Oh, I know it isn't much", Spike was quick to intervene. "It was my old Ma you see. She wanted to name me Spite after her grandmother but when it came to writing my birth certificate, she got the spelling wrong. My Ma never was any good at her letters you see and because the document was official the name sort of stuck. Personally...."
"ENOUGH".
Flames crackled across Hades' hair as his veins burned with fire.
"Another word and all that shall remain of you is the smell of ash. Now tell me what you are doing here".
Spike opened his mouth then shut it again. Pleadingly, he implored Hades for help with a wide eyed expression which would have old ladies everywhere going "Awwww".
"For pity's sake", Hades muttered under his breath. "You may answer the question".
This last was said for Spike's hearing and the demon sighed in relief.
"Thank you, Gov. I was a little confused there."
"Clearly", said Hades, never one to mince his words.
Spike smiled sheepishly. "Well, Gov, as I said, my name is Spike. I was sent from administration. They said you needed a new assistant and thought I would do well. I've never been a PA before, but I shall do my upmost to see to your every need. Be that filing, arranging meetings, and feeding your fish."
"I don't have a fish", said Hades before he could stop himself.
"Great", said Spike. "That's one less thing to worry about."
Hades steepled his fingers, looking at Spike over their tips. It was true he needed a new assistant, especially after the whole business with the last one. He had been doing all his paperwork himself, a chore he did not relish, and it had to be said his filing cabinet was in a bit of a state. But did he really want this imbecile hanging around all the time. Defiantly not if he could help it.
"Were there no other candidates?", he asked Spike.
"No Gov, no one else wanted the job."
'Understandable', thought Hades.
"But you do?"
"Want the job you mean Gov? Yes, definitely. It will be a challenge for sure but what is life without a bit of trial and tribulation."
Hades groaned inwardly. Somehow, he got the feeling his filing cabinet would be in a worse state tomorrow than if he continued without an assistant. Still, if Spike did not work out Hades could always remove him.
"Very well. You are hired".
Spike punched the air then clasped his hands demurely in front of him.
"Thank you", he said like a model student receiving an A*. "You won't regret it Gov."
Hades held a palm out.
"Stop right there. Before we proceed any further with this matter, I must make one thing clear. I do not answer to the title 'Gov'."
Hades managed to make the word stretch out three syllables.
Spike nodded. "Yes, Gov".
Hades made a noise in the back of his throat like rocks rolling over one another before an avalanche during peak climbing season.
"No", he spoke very slowly and calmly. "Not 'G-o-v'. You may address me by one of my many titles; Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Fallen one, Master, The one true lord, Foul fiend, Sir but not 'G-o-v'".
Spike pursed his lips, squinting down his nose as he thought.
"All right", he said. "All right, yes, I get it."
"Excellent", said Hades clapping his hands together. "Now to business. Follow me".
Rising from his chair like a tsunami in the distance, Hades led the way out of his office. Spike followed behind him like a young golden retriever; trusting and naïve.
"Here shall be your workspace", Hades told Spike, sweeping an arm to encompass the antechamber to his office.
The room was more impressive than your classic secretarial office by quite a large margin (to be accurate, it was the same margin between Rodger Bannister and your average middle-class dad who goes on health jogs once a fortnight but hey, whose counting).
The desk was a clean-cut mahogany piece, exquisitely inlaid with ebony around the edges to give it a severe look. The chair behind it was a lavish affair, fitted with armrests and a matching pouffe in the same emerald leather for times when corporate life just gets a bit too much. The wallpaper was the thick expensive kind, nothing like the blood silk which lined Hades' office, but still better than your everyday rubbish, while the floor was polished to a shine. Uncarpeted marble, it provided perfect acoustics so that be your feet shod, hooved or clawed, Hades always knew when someone was approaching his door.
Some would say it was too much, but the one thing Hades hated to be called was cheap. And besides, Hades had a lot of capitalists coming through the gates of his domain and there was no better way to torture one of them than beat them at their own game.
"Nice", said Spike. "I could definitely see myself enjoying it here."
"Hmmmm", Hades allowed himself a smile.
Walking over to the desk Hades pointed to the top drawer with his perfectly manicured index finger. A small click followed, and Hades pulled the drawer out, reaching in up to his elbows to take something out.
Taking a step back, Spike gave the drawer a close inspection. Surely it was only a few inches deep.
Taking out a thick leather bound book inlaid with gold gilt, Hades placed it above the desk and let it fall with a hefty thump. Spike tried and failed to hide the fact he had leaped two metres back at the unexpected sound.
"There you go", said Hades evilly (was there any other way to do it?). "This book contains all you need to know about being my assistant. The last one wrote it so she would have a reference when she forgot something. She never did, of course, brilliant mind. Besides that one time.............."
Hades let the pause fill the room. Spike felt himself getting noticeably hot under his undone collar.
"I'd best let you get started", said Hades, gliding back towards his office. "You have lots to do."
"Yes, Gov".
Hades turned very slowly like a ballerina being put into stasis.
"What?"
Spike opened his mouth, realised his mistake, shut it again. Thinking hard he said "Yes, Sir, Gov, Fallen thing, Gov, Sir."
Hades had an urge. He would not acknowledge it though, no matter how much it demanded to be heard. He had made himself a promise. Fighting the down said urge, Hades, cleared his throat.
"Enjoy your reading, Spike." His fingers twitched once but this was the only sign of Hades magnificent self-restraint.
"Ummmm", Spike said as Hades was about to shut his door.
"Yes, Spike".
Spike was flipping through the pages. "I can't read it."
"Ah", Hades put a hand to his head. "How could I forget. It's written in the old language to ensure any intruders would have a hard time reading it. There is a book on translation around here somewhere. Toodle-pip."
Hades shut the door.
Smirking to himself Hades returned to his tea and biscuits, this time picking up a bourbon.
He loved that phrase, 'Toodle pip'; so friendly, so menacing, so perfect.
Outside in his office, Spike had fallen into his plush leather chair, feeling the need to just take a few deep breaths. You know, just to clear the brain.
"Right", he said to himself, looking despondently at the huge ledger before him. "Right".
*
'Beep.....Beep.....Beep....Be – You have reached the home number of Demeter. If you are in dire agricultural straights, please call my hotline where one of my experts shall help with any queries you may have. If it is a personal call, I shall get back to you as soon as I possibly can. If you are that low life son in law of mine, do the universe a favour and throw yourself into a bottomless vat of holy water.'
Hades put the phone down very quietly. Lovely woman that Demeter. Always the issue was it not. You find a nice girl with beautiful eyes and a laugh that could melt the polar ice caps, you set your heart on her and marry her. All this without reading the small print which details how many family events you are expected to attend per year and the fact that not only are you marrying the girl but also her family.
What a joy marriage was.
Of course, Hades had never really got round to the whole matrimonial bliss stage in his relationship with Persephone. What with the whole kidnapping fiasco, her less than hoped for reaction when she learnt that her closest neighbours would be a bunch load of dead people and her mother Demeter's strop about the whole thing, everything had not worked out the way Hades had planned.
Things had evened out eventually. There had been the post nuptial agreement which stated that Persephone could spend half the year on earth with her mother and the other half with Hades in Hell. During those six months every year when Persephone was away, Hades would come up with ways to make her happy, even going as far as to read Plato (Plato – if that wasn't love what was?). When Persephone returned, Hades would be lovely and charming, slowly breaking down her barriers. Add a splash of Stockholm syndrome and you have yourself a pleasant if not ideal arrangement.
Hades drummed his fingers on his desk. Picking the phone off its hook once more he dialled the first three numbers to get Demeter's home in the hopes that Persephone picked up. Hand hovering over the fourth number, Hades sighed and put the phone down with a clink. Persephone did not want to talk to him, and incessant calling would not help.
Six sharp taps at the door dragged Hades back from the pit of despair he had been walking towards.
"Come".
It was Spike. Or at least the bottom half of him. From the waist up, the forever scruffy demon was obscured by a towering pile of paper topped with a tray of tea and biscuits. Effortlessly moving towards a side desk, Spike bent at the knees to place the stack neatly upon it.
'He has been reading the manual', thought Hades, approvingly.
In his week as Hades PA, Spike had excelled himself. Doing everything he had promised and more (besides feeding the non-existent fish), Spike had proved himself to be, if not quite capable, than an eager and willing employee. All in all, thought Hades, a top-notch assistant.
"Morning, Gov'".
Besides that little snag.
Spike carried the tea tray over, oblivious to Hades' killing glare.
"You're looking a little down in the dumps today, Gov", Spike said as he poured Hades' tea for him. "Anything wrong?"
"Yes", thought Hades. "Persephone hates me and that –'
" – isn't nearly enough milk".
"I'm sorry, Gov", Spike said, dainty milk jug in hand. "Did I miss something?"
"Only your common sense. Pour man, pour."
Spike topped up Hades' teacup until the brew was satisfactory milky.
"What do you have for me today?", Hades asked as he took his first sip.
Ah, bliss.
"Well, there was quite a collection today. We have Viennese whirls, shortbread and some nice ginger nuts."
"What? No, no. I meant the reports not the biscuits. No, bring them here, I still want them. There we go, was that so hard? Now, what reports have come through today?"
"I'm afraid there is quite a bit of paperwork for you to sign in reference to the new plier the management from toenail torture is requesting. I've had a read through their new ideas, Gov. It's mind-blowing stuff."
Spike had every right to be excited about the developments in toenail torture. Up until the time when his old boss in administration, fingers crossed behind his back had asked Spike how he fancied working for the Devil himself, Spike had been set on a path of payrolls, correspondence and filing. Naturally, as Hades PA, he was still on the path of office life, but it was of a higher class.
Spike, shuffled piles of paper about, putting them in order of significance.
"And of course", he said, pulling out the largest pile and giving it to Hades, "it's the first Wednesday of the month so the individual reports are in".
Hades took the top leaf from the pile and started to read. These monthly reports ensured things continued to tick away smoothly in the underworld. The manager of each department had to write up a review detailing numbers, reactions to torture, quality of work, mental wellbeing of the employees, the list went on.
"Gov?", asked Spike, hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"
"Ummmmm", said Hades, distractedly.
"I was just wondering why we used paper. I mean, it's highly flammable stuff; one wayward spark and whoomph. After that fire in the record office the other week, everyone downstairs thought we'd switch to something less.... combustible."
Hades stroked his goatee, attention fully caught by the reports as his mouth responded to Spike.
"I was told by a very reliable source that paper was the way forward."
Spike scratched his head, causing his hair to stand up at even more impossible angles than before. "When?"
Hades tapped the paper he was reading.
"What is this? It says here only eighty four percent of last month's numbers came through this month. The idiots must have got it wrong. We haven't had a lull like that since the war."
"Actually, Gov", Spike said, offering Hades the biscuit plate, "I noticed that something was off with the numbers and had a look into it. I haven't shown you yet because I wanted to make sure my maths was right – I never was great at it, Ma always said I had the heart of a poet not a mathematician – but anyway..."
Spike had seen the Viennese Whirl in Hades' hand crumble to dust and quickly reverted back to the matter on hand. He very much wanted to keep his teeth.
".... It looks like numbers have been degrading at a steady degree for the past thirty years. There have been some spikes every so often – mass murders and that sort of thing – but on the whole, human behaviour is on the up.... Literally if you think about it."
They both cast their eyes heavenward.
"Why have I not been made aware of this before?", asked Hades.
"Beats me, Gov", Spike shrugged. "My guess is that it has happened so gradually that no one has really noticed."
Hades drummed his fingers over his desk.
"Where are these calculations you made?"
Spike thought for a moment.
"Oh, I remember", he said, patting down his trouser pockets. "I went to lunch after I finished them then forgot to check."
Hades rolled his eyes, thinking dark thoughts of incompetence. Holding out a hand, Hades waited while Spike tried unsuccessfully to uncrumple the sheet of paper before handing it to Hades.
Spike very much hoped he was not going to get into trouble over not giving this information to Hades sooner. His loyalty was to Hades wholeheartedly (did demons have hearts?), and he truly did not wish to disappoint. Besides, the Fallen One was not known for his easy temper.
"It's sticky", Hades said, holding the sheet between thumb and forefinger.
Wisely, Spike chose not to answer. His mind, however, did wonder to the bag of toffees he had eaten the day before and how he had worn these trousers two days on the trot.
Hades, having managed to decipher Spikes' smudged scrawl, was using it as a reference to the reports his under managers had sent to him. Like a cartoon character being assaulted by a fly, Hades, moved his head one way then another in quick motion as his eyes scanned the words before him. That is eternity for you; with so much time on your hands, speed reading becomes a thing for amateurs.
As he read, Hades' eyes became deep pits of burning flames whereas before they had been the molten brown of a red wood tree. Form still, Hades; skin prickled as his veins glowed and his skin darkened so he looked like coal alight.
"Gov?", Spike endeavoured.
"Gov", he tried again, this time louder.
"Gov". This time Spike got through to Hades, but it was less to do with his heightened tone and more to do with the words he spoke after addressing his boss, "You're singeing your chair".
Hades jumped up, pushing his chair back as his attention remained fixed on the numbers in front of him.
"Spike, arrange a meeting. I want all members of head staff in the conference room in an hour. Tell them that anyone who does not comply will spend the rest of their existence in the canteen."
The question 'As what?' hung in the air like a bad smell.
"Right away, Gov", Spike said, almost saluting Hades' military tones.
'Thank hell and heaven and everything in between that I'm well out of administration', Spike said to himself as he ran out of Hades' balmy office towards the fax machine. 'Those guys are really in for it.'
*
The silence stretched like a blob of warm blue tack. On and on, getting thinner and thinner until the remaining tendrils gave up their hold on one another and drifted apart.
It was hot. Very hot. The underworld, naturally, was always a little on the warm side due to its geographical position but it was a nice heat which the locals thought nothing of. But that day, in the conference room, it was the heat of many bodies perspiring in unison, expelling liquid so fast that if they did not stop soon buckets would be required.
The only two demons in the room not currently giving the impression of an all-male gym changing room was Hades, the one who had called them there, and Wroth. The former because he was the only one in the room who knew how things would go down and the latter because her skin was the same genetic mix as a hippopotamus; creatures who do not possess sweat glands.
The demons were seated around a large oval table, every one of them looking at others through the corner of their eyes. In situations like this, it was always best to avoid direct eye contact, you never knew who you might unintentionally form an alliance with.
When the atmosphere had become so thick you could cut it with a knife and spread it on toast, Hades broke the silence.
"Friends", he said, smiling dashingly. "Associates, Comrades. Thank you for gathering together like this on such short notice. I had feared my assistant would fail to get the importance of my message across."
At the back of the room where he sat taking the minutes, Spike raised his eyebrows. He had made it very clear what the magnitude of the consequences would be if Hades' demand had not been met. Capital letters and exclamatory punctuation had not been necessary.
"Now, do not fret", Hades continued. "Armageddon is not yet upon us. There would be no need for a meeting if that was the case".
Hades chuckled. There were a few nervous twitterings from around the table from demons unsure whether or not their existence depended on laughing at their boss' jokes – such is the life of an employee.
"Now", Hades said, standing and beginning to walk around the room. "Does anyone have any idea why I have called you all here today?"
No one answered as Hades continued his circuit of the room.
Hades frowned in exaggerated sadness. "What. No one? Not one amongst you, my best and brightest have any inkling of why I felt the need to call such a meeting. Come now, I won't bite".
Hades flashed a smile showing that his canines were no longer than the average mortal. This did not raise spirits.
One demon, Panic, breathing rapidly, squeezed his claws together. He knew if he did not speak then he would faint and in a place like Hell that was just social suicide. Still, it was probably better than the alternative route which was, naturally, the one he took.
"Forgive us, Lord. We sent you a fool to be your assistant. I am at your knees, humbly begging you to forgive us. We shall do better and remove this pestilence from your sight."
From across the room, Pestilence, not the sharpest device in the dungeon, raised his chin from his chest where he had been snoring softly.
"Oh, no", Hades said smoothly. "Spike is an excellent employee; I could not have wished for a finer demon to take care of my needs. This is about something else."
At the back of the room, the clacking of the typewriter used to note the minutes had ceased as Spike got a little choked up. The tapping quickly started up again with gusto as Dread, chief innovator of unusual tortures, lent forward across the table.
"What is it, Lord? Has something occurred to upset you?"
"Yes, I rather think it has". Hades clasped both his hands behind his back and started another circuit of the table, all heads following him, some quite literally swivelling like owls.
"You see", Hades said, "I was rather upset this morning to discover that our numbers just aren't what they used to be. Sure, our ratings have gone up and the feedback from our clients has been cause for celebration. But these successes are masking a troubling streak of lessened flow into the underworld. To put is straight – things have been better because we have had less souls to contest with allowing us to give each soul a larger proportion of our time than previously allocated.
"I wanted to know why this was and so I had this little get together arranged, not to ask why this occurred but to tell you, so that together we can come up with solutions. Is every one of you pea brained imbecilic pillocks keeping up?"
Tight nods answered this question.
"Good then", said Hades in a voice heavily implying that all was not 'good'.
"Now, in the time I have had since this information came to my attention, I have pinpointed two major causes of our decreasing numbers. The first – Climate change. We were doing really well. Humans were blasting billions of tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere; cars, factories, this new-fangled idea called plastic. Then you had deforestation and pollution of the seas, the very things there to prevent such an event from occurring. Humans were single handily killing the world and everything in it. It was glorious. But recently, things have changed. Everyone is all concerned with clean living choosing alternatives ways of life such as veganism, walking to work, beach cleans, making toothbrushes out of bamboo. True, Earth is still dying, capitalism hasn't' ceased to exist – can you imagine – but overall, people are thinking about things and by things, I mean consequences. Personally, I blame a fellow going by the name David Attenborough. Apparently, his voice has hypnotic qualities which humans are unable to resists."
Hades had completed his tenth lap of the room by this point and demons were starting to get dizzy. But, the head of hell was on a roll and when that happens, just like when a child gets' their hands on granddad's coffee, there was no stopping him.
"The second cause of this corporate crisis is a much more recent even. The Global Pandemic. The moment it started everyone was suddenly endowed with an unprecedented amount of community spirit. There were people organising food drops, others giving up time to talk to their elderly neighbours. If that wasn't bad enough, people started to be even more concerned with the environment. It's sickening.
"Things seem to be back on track now but there was a moment there, just a moment, when it really looked like humanity was going to change.
Whose idea was the Pandemic anyway?"
Hades turned and stared down each demon in the room. As one, the group turned to look at a beefy demon with Celtic swirls tattooed over every inch of her body. The whites of her eyes had disappeared as her pupils dilated expanded and she made ready to defend herself with every ounce of intellect, wit, and charm she possessed. She never got the chance.
Hades pointed at her. "You're fired."
The demons who had been sitting either side of their tattooed associate shifted their chairs slightly. Further away from the smell of singed hair and ash.
"Now then....", Hades continued, arriving back at his chair. There was a steaming cup of tea in front of it but for once Hades was not drawn to the sweet brew. He was angry and Hades was rarely angry; peeved – yes, exasperated – when the occasion called, ticked off – incessantly, but rarely angry.
The whole room waited on Hades to continue speaking. As one, the demons leaned towards him, their curiosity momentarily overriding their terror. When it became apparent Hades was not about to impart any more words, a brave demon (or perhaps an outrageously stupid one) piped up, giving voice to the question which was on everyone's mind.
"What are we going to do, Lord?"
Hades snapped his fingers, pointing at the demon. She shrank back in her chair, screwing her eyes shut. But after a moment she realised her body was still in one piece and heaved a heavy sigh of relief – working for Hades, one never knew what moment would be their last.
"Haha", Hades laughed. "It is not what we are going to do", he said, enjoying the continuing fear on her face, "It is what you are going to do.
"Me", she squeaked in horror.
"All of you", confirmed Hades. "This is not my mess. It is you, all of you, who failed to note the dropping figures. It is you who failed me. Therefore, it is you who shall amend this grievous mistake before it is too late to do so.
I expect full reports of your schemes and ideas on my desk first thing tomorrow."
Hades did not have to add a threat to this declaration. They all knew the consequences of his wrath. It was they who bore witness to the untimely retirement of his last assistant.
Spike, a poet just like his good ol' Ma always said he was, knew a good moment when it came. Typing his last word with a flourish, the paper moved to the side with a cling as Spike moved to flick the release lever and pulled the paper free.
Hades, whose mind, for once was aligned to Spike's, turned with a flourish and the two of them existed the conference room like a pair of storms retreating out to sea after decimating a city. Spike just a step behind his Gov.
"That went well", Spike said as they strode back to their offices.
"Yes", said Hades with a sly smile. "I rather think it did."
*
Later that evening, back in Hades' office, the man himself was leaning back in his chair with his feet up on a tasteful footstool, usually stored under the leather seat. A wireless liberated some years back from a decimated German bunker, crackled quite contentedly as Hades turned dials to differing frequencies, listening in to the conversations going on throughout the Underworld.
There had been a fascinating one between two of the inmates who had bonded over a love of knitting patterns. Hades had enjoyed that one, not least because it was always good to see the clients connecting but also because it made it so much more effective when they were forced to perform unassisted brain surgery on each other with nothing but a rusted scalpel...... ah, the days of innovation.
Besides that, Hades had spent an enjoyable few hours listening in to his under managers completely freaking out over the reports he had ordered of them, for ideas on how to bring up the numbers. There had been a couple of half decent ideas but nothing which would get his burning stamp of approval. As morning (at least what counted for morning in this sunless world) approached, the stress levels in the underworld rose as Hades' mood improved. He had almost forgotten about his longing for Persephone.
Spike, who had been catching up on a bit of reading by working through chapter 347 of the Handguide of the Devil's assistant, was perched on the chair opposite Hades.
Hades changed the frequencies yet again, joining in the middle of a conversation between Lust and Odious from the medieval torture department.
"....need to think bigger" said Lust, in his voice like an elephant chewing gravel. "Otherwise, the boss will toss us in the pit for sure".
"Ha", chuckled Hades, shaking his head like a mother with two adorable, naïve children.
There was a lengthy pause. Spike could almost hear the braincells of the demons whirring as they desperately thought of an innovating, yet brilliant idea that would save their skins and quite possibly earn them a raise.
"I've got it", said Odious with a voice like a hedgehog with a heavy cold. "Genocide. It's a fool proof plan. All we would need to do is tinker around with a couple of influential minds and bosh; within six months we'll have a horde of simple young fools going round with heavy artillery guns and a catchy motto about the greater good."
"Odious", Lust said, now sounding like a very admirable rock chewing elephant. "Did I ever tell you how brilliant you are?"
"No, I don't think you have", said Odious, in an ever so slightly stunned voice. "I wouldn't mind you making a habit of it though."
Hades switched off the wireless.
"Office romance. Always good for moral", he said to Spike. "Should help to soften the blow when they realise everyone else came to the same conclusion that genocide is the answer to everything".
"What are you going to do, Gov", Spike asked, marking his page with a sweet wrapper.
"About what?", enquired Hades, retrieving a nail file from a draw.
"About this", Spike clarified, waving his arms about. "This mess where we have less people being sent down here and more people going to ...... him". Spike nodded his chin upwards ever so slightly. "No one has any good ideas so how are we going to fix this issue. You don't think we will go out of business do you".
"Certainly not", said Hades, looking up from his fingernails. "This company shall not sink while I'm at its head I can assure you of that, Spike. I never expected any of those fools to solve the issue. They have spent too long sitting on their backsides letting things go through the motions. Once, this place was full of lean, mean, torture machines. Now there is just me, whatever the hell you are and a bunch of hairbrained imbeciles. I just wanted to make them sweat and writhe for a night.
"Oh", said Spike, scratching his head. "So, what's the plan".
Hades smiled putting down the file. "So, trusting Spike. You naturally assume I have a plan."
Spike looked worried. "Gov, I though......"
"I'm just messing with you Spike. It's what I do."
Hades gave Spike a reassuring smirk. He really was beginning to like this scruffy demon.
"I have always had a plan", said Hades. "Ever since I first saw your calculations, I knew what needed doing. You see, the problem is not people becoming 'good' through some change of heart. It is that most humans are not inherently evil to begin with. If someone falls on the street, people will rush to help them up, if someone out at sea issues a Mayday, all ships in the vicinity will drop everything and come to their rescue, if there is an attack, you will always see people running towards the fire and blood, it is human nature. The word is humane is it not. What we need to do, Spike, is to drill this out of people."
Hades leant towards Spike, excitement glowing in his eyes.
"We cannot start with babies and children. It would be easier yes; their brains are more malleable than unbaked clay in the hands of a master potter but there are always people around them telling them what is right and what is wrong, then giving them chocolate when they chose the 'right' path.
"Teenagers are hopeless, their minds so full of nothing you could stick a space station in there and set it orbiting. What you need, Spike, is students."
"Students, Gov", asked Spike, truly captivated.
"Students, Spike. Eighteen-year-olds, out in the world on their own for the very first time. Away from guardians and ripe for making mistakes. You catch them when they are vulnerable, and you have them for life."
Spike was nodding enthusiastically. "Genius".
"This is what we are going to do", said Hades, tapping the desk with his forefinger emphatically. "I'm going to go to university. I'll find one in a great metropolis somewhere, a place full of potential wrong turns and temptations. Then, I'll set up a boarding house, opening it up to students. Unsuspecting little dears full of new ideas and hope. Then, when they are away from their families, I shall turn them over to the dark way of thinking. Setting them on a path straight to Hell".
Hades finished with a flourish, tossing his arm in the air like he had just won victory at the 5000-metre run at the Olympic Games.
Spike clapped his hands, ever loyal to his Gov.
"When are you going to do this, Gov?", he asked, breathlessly. This was what Spike had signed up for when he became Hades PA. Not that he had actually signed up, he was just sort of posted to the position, but by jingo, this was what he wanted out of life.
"Now", said Hades. "This very year. It is August on Earth at the moment and they return to school in September. That gives me time to get everything sorted. Oh Spike, this is going to work. I can feel it."
"So can I Gov", said Spike, wiping away a tear.
Hades screwed his eyes a little, already envisioning his great plan. He would start off small with just a few students. But soon, very soon, he could see it growing and blossoming until he had houses in every university in the world converting students to the side of the sinful.
"Spike", Hades said with relish, "Crack open the Da Hong Pao".
Spike's jaw practically fell to the floor.
"Gosh, Gov. You mean business."
"Indeed, I do", said Hades as Spike took out the key to Hades' private tea safe. Pulling on a pair of white gloves, Spike took a deep breath before bringing out the mother of all teas.
To be continued......