note: the questions in italics are things the writer wanted to know.
a fair portion of this review is getting edited/already edited by the writer. i'm putting this out to be fair! hope the notes benefit other writers.
✿ first impression: title, cover and description (10/15)
title is unique and has nice alliteration in it. just lowercase 'the'. i'm still waiting to see how it fits the storyline, tho.
i love the cover. i love the colours used. it fits the genre. good job.
i disliked the description. it was long, and from where you said "Read to..." until the next paragraph, i disliked the sound of it. you don't tell us to read, you make us want to read, yk?
altho the two main characters were expected to connect from reading the first paragraph, your individual introduction of each disconnected them. why not write a description that describes them together and how they will face the climax together? and speaking of the climax, and considering the genre fantasy, i think you need to tease us about the climax more.
also, here are suggested edits:
✿ plot (/20)
so, i understood from the description there is a covert society called vahanaa, and rudra's stepfather is the emperor. then this:
confusion. had to reread this paragraph many times. you jumbled up what you needed to explain throughout the whole story in one paragraph. so the emperor of vahanaas killed the traitors in his society, right? i think you need to explain the vahanaa society simpler than this and gradually. and who are the parties you're talking about? the traitors and the emperor? who's goddess durga? (i researched about her later)
your plot is heavily influenced by hinduism, which i am not familiar with. i felt disconnected from the themes you used. i'd have appreciated it if you explained things like a ganesha for readers like me, so we feel connected despite our cultural differences.
later on, the inciting incidents happens: teaming up abi and rudra. i think this part was executed very well. both of them acted arrogant by submitting different teams, and it caused things to get complicated even more. i was looking forward to see how that would be solved!
i love the way you approached sensitive topics like rape and panic attacks and incorporated them in your plot too. well done!
✿ characters (/20)
okay, i put into account the characters are 18.
i like abi a lot. i relate to him. everything that happened to him was like deja vu to me. i also liked the way you showed and expressed his feelings and anxiety. it was so realistic and well done.
until i discover the truth of his household. abi's mum: at first i thot she was a typical bitch mum and didn't give her much thot until i understood she harasses him, and oh gosh, that surprised me. it explained why he was overly flustered around her. it added a new dimension to his character. basically, the guy lives in a lie of gaslighting.
but i had yet to figure whether this addition to the story is pointless as you asked me. but i think it's worth it to say i was driven to think abi at home is different from abi at school. away from his mum, he has attitude and is more confident of what he says. she seems to have a weakening effect on him.
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i like his friends too. i liked that he had friends to begin with, breaking this usual stereotype that people who study a lot don't have friends.
- Neysa is one of the only female characters in the female cast. Is she passive?
neysa, i made a comment about her. her confession came abrupt and uncalled for. i didn't know her yet, so i couldn't connect with her. that wasn't a nice first meeting. how about you introduce us better to neysa first before we experience her confession? if you do that, the way she acts will make more sense according to her character.
she also sounded pushy, prying on krishna's feelings for abi. overall, the confession wasn't executed well. it didn't give the vibes it's supposed to give, felt like a normal conversation you would have any day, which isn't how a confession of special feelings should be like.
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rudra. couldn't see a lot of characterisation of him until he got his own pov. it was nothing impressive.
i didn't notice these things rudra said about abi (in chapter 1, that is). you didn't show abi was popular. i didn't notice him being arrogant or having attitude to anyone besides rudra, which is bc he is his rival. in fact, from his anxiety scene with his mum, i noticed he was the total opposite. so, you might need to reconstruct some scenes to show that, and not make rudra tell them to us w/o context.
i also don't see how rudra is doing twice the work. do you mean his rank and how much he studies?
a little attitude from abi to rudra started showing in chapter 2, however. but still i couldn't see his popularity.
- is it clear that Abimanyu and Rudra do not hate each other for no reason?
i think rivalry is enough reason for two students to dislike each other, but not hate. hat is a strong feeling that doesn't form easily. it's natural and predictable to dislike. i was in that position before bc i was usually second.
one thing i felt is that abi hates rudra (justifiable bc he is jealous of his rank), but rudra doesn't necessarily hate abi back. even if krish thot he was only pretending to be nice, i think rudra did sound decent to abi to a limit. in their clash in the bathroom, i think rudra's rage was explainable. i'd understand it if he started hating abi at that limit.
- does the antagonist lacklustre? As in, is there character too in the background?
can't see yet.
- do you feel like the characters are well written and stay in their personality most of the time?
let's talk about the characterisation in this paragraph:
what i highlighted with green, i found them natural reactions and expectated from abi. but the red? it came off... odd. abi isn't a kid. he's 18yo, and his friend didn't say sth that sensitive. reconsider his reaction. i understand he has anxiety issues, but i don't see anything triggered that enough. you may keep it to emphasise abi cries easily, i guess?
the red slash is where the paragraph deserves to be cut.
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something i felt: some characters lack is motive. it's either hasn't been showcases, or i missed it. abi's motive was to make his mother happy and score higher, for example. how about his friend? krish only lives to care for rudra? neysa just wants krish to like her? rudra just wants to lead the team? how do all their motives connect to the story?
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sometimes characters are too straightforward. like krish & neysa with the confession. abi with the panic attack. try to tune that down a bit.
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another thing about some characters: like neysa, rudra was also pushy when he pried on abi's panic attack. i'm not sure if you intentionally made him sound like that, but i'm putting it here for you to know. it made me dislike him a little.
✿ grammar (13/15)
for the most part, the book was readable and didn't have many errors, but here are some things you can work on:
□ punctuation mistakes: missing, misplaced, or extra marks.
(a free editing software won't always catch the following):
□ when an action interrupts dialogue, it's written correctly like this:
". . ."--she grimaces--". . ."
however, don't overuse this structure. suffice with simple commas or periods.
□ errors in compound sentences: when you use a coordinator (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so: you can use the acronym FANBOYS to help you remember the seven coordinators) to join full meaning sentences, use a comma.
For example → she washed her face, and she brushed her teeth.
Notice that if you omit the 'and' in the second sentence, the sentence is meaningful (independent).
However, you don't need a comma if you omit the second 'she' → she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
□ you don't always enclose the quotation marks with the right punctuation mark too.
→ When you use a speech tag (said and anything in the meaning of it: whisper, mutter...), you enclose with a comma and the word after the quotation isn't capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely," she said.
OR: She said, "She is lovely."
→ When you use something other than that, aka dialogue beats (a description of the physical action a character makes while speaking), you enclose with a period and the next word is capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely." She nodded.
□ paragraphing: the paragraph of the dialogue should only have what the character said and the speech tag/dialogue beats or the character's thoughts around the dialogue. everything else is irrelevant and wrongly structured.
□ sometimes, you switched tenses but no biggie. i commented on some places like you asked me. also, like i said, try using the present perfect.
□ errors using the correct preposition after some verbs.
✿ writing style (/30)
the writing reeks of professionalism! most descriptions were great and on point. i had a clear imagination of the settings and characters. your usage of third-person limited is impressive as well.
your writing style is far from simple. you explored different sentence structures and used uncommon words. to me... this isn't much of a problem. i love researching new words. but in the beginning of the story while you still wanna secure readers, you might wanna tune that down. later on, you can get more sophisticated.
split infinitives are a type of misplaced modifier. split infinitives should be avoided in formal writing. like here:
i don't think you need to say both anyway. it's clear there's no one else.
i also noticed redundancy sometimes. like here:
you could totally omit the first home. krishna's suffices to refer to his place. or you could get creative with the second home and express how his place feels.
- is the worldbuilding confusing? What needs to be explained better, in your opinion?
most of the time, you under-described things related to the theme of the story. you can't expect the reader to know things you didn't mention or explain. like the topi for example. although i like your writing was inclusive of other cultures, you can't expect people to know muslims in india wear topis.
i also had no clear idea about the vahanaa society and members thru the first chapter. i thot it was another hindu thing, so i researched, but still didn't find anything about it. a ganesha. karudan. all are things you need to explain more before their first occurance, especially the vahanaa please. you seem to have great ideas, but you need better execution. dedicate a prologue, or a fair share of chapter 1 to showcase the vahanaa.
i did make comments anywhere things didn't make sense. hope you check them out.
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another part where you under-described is when it came to how characters looked like. i couldn't imagine them, except abi bc you described his hair and blush a little. also neysa with her braid. consider adding more of those descriptions to connect the reader better with the characters.
- is there any element of the story you found pointless?
neysa's confession. i couldn't see the point of it (maybe yet). you could tell us about krishna through his thoughts, observations, reactions, & interactions. we don't need his reaction to a confession.
-can the culture be filled into the story more? Or is it enough? It's one of the central themes so.
i think this is up to you and how much you want the story to represent culture, but don't go overboard. bc like i said, not all readers are from the hindu culture. i'd personally say no, but maybe someone who knows the hindu culture more will say yes. what i think you need to fill in more is fantasy. i barely saw the fantasy theme in the story.
✿ overall (/100)
main issues so far:
-explain the vahanaa better.
-represent neysa better.
-grammar: pay attention to paragraphing.
-describe characters' looks, and give them stronger motives.
-inject more fantasy.
this book is a fantastic reads for indian readers, actually!
as usual, remember my suggestions aren't a constitution. it's your story, your choices. i hope my reader perspective has helped you!
please remember to credit me for reviewing, and good luck at wiritng ♡