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Kissing You; Chapter 22; (Sorry Its Late☹And Sorry If You Find This Chap Crap)
(SASHA'S POV)
The day Jacob said "Same time next week?" became a permanent imprint for the past month and a half. Kyle takes time off work nowadays to pick up the phone and call me whenever he can and he's voice is becoming more and more intimate every time we speak. I'm missing him so much. I've discovered so much over the past month that's gone so quick. One-my Ferrari attracts so much attention on road. Two-my bra size has moved from a 32D to a 34DD so that meant new lingerie for me; I bought a smoking hot red one which reminded me of the Ferrari Kyle bought me and I know he'll love it when he sees it on me. Three- Jacob is so laid back and such a funny guy. Four-I have a new bad craving for ice cream this year.Ben & Jerry's specifically. And finally five- I've put on weight! And I'm determined to burn off some calories before Kyle gets back!
* * * *
"Can you believe I haven't seen you for a whole month?" he questions me as I lie flat on the bed and hold the phone closer to my ear.
"Its gone so quick. I think I'll be able to pull through for another month."
"Did you get the flowers I sent you?"
"For the past month? Yes! My room has transformed into a fricking flower shop, baby."
"Well I'm glad you like them. How about the necklace?"
"I have it on right now." I bite my bottom lip as my left hand plays around with the two interlocked hearts dangling from the chain. The small diamonds boarding the hearts, tickle the pad of my fingers.
"I'm sensing that you're biting your lip at me Sasha," he breathes deep within his throat. How does he do that?
"How do you know? You can't see me...can you?" A creepy feeling of Kyle planting a hidden camera in my room crosses my mind.
"I don't know if you've realized it. But your voice turns into an audible whisper of seduction whenever you bite your lip," he informs me and I can feel his smirk of ego on the other end.
"I never noticed. Anyway, how's London? How is Sienna? Is she keeping her paws off you?" I interrogate him as I brush the entwined hearts across my bottom lip then press it in between my lips.
"Surprisingly, London is pretty hot and the British accents over here are quite intimidating. And are you still holding a grudge on Sienna, after a month? She apologized did she not?" his voice is soft.
"Kyle Carlson? Intimidated? Well this is a first. And yeah, I accepted her apology but I still don't like the fact that she's around you every day and I'm not." I sense my own hint of jealousy in my tone.
"Yes intimidated! And my baby needs to stop getting jealous because she needs to get into her head that no other girl will make me feel the way she makes me feel." I'm flattered!
"I'm not jealous!"
"Listen, Little Miss Jealous. Enough of the lies and instead tell me how you've been."
"Apart from missing you. I've been okay. I've put on a bit of weight on my hips but don't worry I'll lose it before you get back and my Mom has been doing my head in. Saying how you shouldn't be buying me expensive gifts one too many times and she's been leaving me with Tasha again and coming home late. So, same old, same old."
"Weight on hips sound sexy to me. I can't wait to see them, and touch them, then run my tongue around your whole body," he whispers, stroking every syllable.
"I feel so fat so its all coming off, Kyle. No 'ifs' no 'buts' "
"Sasha don't be acting brave because I'm on the other side of the world. I will fly over there right now and tie you to your bed then torture the shit out of you," he threatens me with his sexy deep voice, making every word bite off the tip of his tongue. I like it.
"That. Was. So. Hot." Its so hard to keep my thoughts in place when he's talking to me like this.
"Sasha I feel like I'm dying. I never knew it was this hard to not get laid for a month," he whimpers. I shoot an eyebrow up and the silence speaks for itself. "I never meant it like that Sash. Please don't give me the silent treatment," he begs. I pout my lips but can't help but let out a small giggle.
"I understand you Kyle. And trust me, I'm suffering too."
"Hmm! I suggest you purchase yourself a B.O.B then send me a video of you using it, then we're both satisfied." A B.O.B?
"The fuck is a B.O.B?" I ask confusingly, testing the acronym out for myself.
He scoffs. "A Battery Operated Boyfriend. You've never had one of those?" he interrogates me with a little amusement behind his question. What's a Battery Operated Boyfriend? Why can't this boy just tell me what he means instead of letting me guess for myself? I chew the inside of my bottom lip and keep my eyebrows knitted together as I think what he could mean. "Come on,Sasha. You're a smart girl. Think." Yeah I'm trying, I'm trying!
Battery Operated Boyfriend? We were talking about satisfactory and batteries make something work. So its something along the line of something that works as a boyfriend to fulfil satisfactory. The words play around in my head until the penny finally drops. "Kyle Carlson, you are one dirty motherfucker!"
"You don't need to deny it. Its only me!" he laughs.
"I'm not denying anything!" I squeal.
"So you are admitting it?" he quickly ask. Shit! He's smart!
"That's not how I meant it! I don't own a vibrator Kyle so just shut up!" Why do I feel so embarrassed. I don't own one. I swear!
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I believe you."
"Look, I want to go and have something to eat because I'm super hungry," I rapidly reply, trying to swerve the awkward conversation.
"Food before phone sex. No wonder you're getting fat," he mumbles. If only I could see his expression. "Sorry. Did you say something?" I snap.
"Nothing!" I can imagine the huge grin on his face. "Now go eat and get me some bigger hips. Its time for me to have dinner."
"Dinner? Whats the time over there?"
"Its um..just past six over here." That is so cool Its only 1: 05 pm here! "Speak to you later sugar. I'll call." he huskily breathes. I got myself a new nickname.
"Bye baby." I hang up then quickly spring off the bed knowing that Jacob will be here any minute. I fix up my hair in the full length mirror, straighten out my denim high waisted shorts and fix up my tucked in black sleeveless blouse. I slip on my pumps then dash downstairs for something to eat.
My Mom's in the kitchen texting on her cell phone. She's been so irritating in the past month. She's left me with Tasha like she used to. She's been dressing like the crack whore she is and only a week ago, I spotted three different guys jumping out her bedroom window, fuck early in the morning trying to sneak out. I haven't said anything, but if she dare tries mention anything that might tick me off the slightest, then I swear I'm going to go mental on her. I reach into the high cupboard and pull out my large packet of Cheetos then my diet soda from the fridge. I greedily open the packet and dig into the cheesy Cheetos. This stuff's the bomb baby!
"Watch what you eat Sasha. You're starting to put on weight," my mom laughs and she keeps her eyes on her cell phone, but her lips curled up in amusement. I stop chewing and glare at her. I've had enough of people telling me about my weight! Yes I can see that my breasts has gone big and my hips! Don't need to make a joke about it! Just relax, Sasha. Relax!
"You're hilarious." I mutter, trying hard to control my own anger.
"Okay. What's gotten into you? You've been acting to weird around me lately. Is it something I said?" Bitch don't tempt me.
"More like something you did," I growl as I bring the can up to my lips and take a sip then dig back into my Cheetos.
"I knew that boy Kyle was no good for you. Look who he's turned you into. A moody, bitter little girl. I hardly recognize you most the time!" she shouts, slamming her phone on the counter then screwing her eyebrows at me. How dare she?
"Excuse me? Don't you dare bring him into this! He's the one who's there for me when you're out sleeping with rich guys for money, and I'm stuck looking after Tasha every single fucking day!" There I've said it. Her face drops then quickly turns impassive. The tears fills up the base of her eyes and the faint tint of red covers the dorsum of her nose. She parts her lips but nothing comes out, and at this point, I feel my own eyes begin to well up.
"Look Sasha-"
"I don't want an explanation! I know everything! How you've been lying to us about working late when really you're out dropping your knickers for every guy in the neighbourhood!" I snarl as the tears roll down my cheeks and the mascara starts to make my vision blurry.
"It was hard for me to get money to provide for all of us ever since... your Dad...died," she croaks as she takes a step towards me and I take a step back, only to be stopped by the hard fridge behind me.
"But why do that? Why not just get a job like a normal person? Why be a slut then try to be the perfect mother behind closed doors?" I shriek, my voice dry and croaky.
"I am the perfect mother! For the both of you!"
"No you're not! I'm more of a mother to Tasha than you'll ever be!" She stares at me, with tears spilling down her face. "We don't need you," I hiss through clenched teeth and scowled eyebrows. And at that moment as the silence stretches between the both of us, its like being trapped alone in the darkest abyss with a sword piercing through my sore heart and the invisible blood pours out inside me. I want Kyle...A small breath escapes my tortured lips, just as Tasha and Jacob both enter the kitchen looking just as surprised as me.
"What's going on?" Tasha asks the both of us as her eyes shifts back and forth to me then mom. I glance at mom who has her head down in embarrassment but the tears keep pouring out. I lock eyes with Jacob behind Tasha, who has his eyebrows screwed in consideration and worry. "Nothing," I quickly mutter before I grab onto Jacob's arm then lead him out the house, leaving Tasha and mom alone in the devilish silence.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Jacob questions me, with my hand still tightly around his wrist.
"Nothing, Jacob," I quickly reply.
"Okay, turn around," he orders and he pulls his hand away from my grasp then turns me around by my shoulders to face him. I press my lips together to prevent anymore tears streaming down my cheeks. "Please don't cry," he pleads with his inaudible deep voice.
Before I can quickly reply, he pulls me into an unexpected embrace and holds me tight around my back. I let my hands fall into place like they have been doing for the past month or so, and breathe in his palatable scent. But that could never top Kyle's scent of Ralph Lauren, sex and a dash of Kyle fragrance. His scent alone just makes me wanna do some crazy, barbaric shit. Wow! His hugs just get longer and tighter each day...He finally pulls away which gives me a chance to inhale the air around us and get my explanation out. "I'm not crying." He raises his dark brow at me. "Just hay fever."
I remember using that excuse on Kyle only a couple of months ago. He swivels me around by my shoulder so hes behind me then leads me towards his car. "I don't buy that," he whispers in my ear as we reach his car then get belted in. "We can go roller-skate, amusement park, art museum, bowling, ice-skating, grab an ice cream?" I part my lips to reply but he quickly intrudes."Or we just hang out," he finally breathes as he starts up his Jaguar XF.
"I was hoping we can just grab some ice cream then hang out in the park. If that's okay," I quietly murmur as his car pulls further away from my house and heads for the main road.
"Sure," he finally manages to say. He looks confused. Maybe I should explain.
"I just don't wanna be around large crowds today. I need some space," I finally exhale as I rest my head on the headrest then glare outside the window at the passing buildings and people.
"Just space or something else too?" he teases as he slides the whole section of my hair so one side of my shoulder. I never let anyone touch my hair apart from Kyle. And frankly, Jacob's turned it into a habit of touching or playing with my hair. But it doesn't seem to bother me. In fact I kind of like him-IT! I mean't 'I kind of like it!' Shit what's wrong with me?
"And Kyle. I miss him so much."
"Oh," he whispers. I stare at him almost as if he has more to say. "You'll be fine Sasha."
"No I won't. I really won't, Jake."
"Yes you will." How can he sound so sure? "After some nice vanilla ice-cream with strawberry and chocolate sauce topped with sprinkles," he teases, sticking his tongue out in between his clear white pearls. He knows me too well-this new friend of mine. "Now we're talking," I giggle as we approach the traffic light.
* * * *
He sits opposite me. Swinging back and forth. Oblivious to the fact that I keep staring and I'm not even sure why. He turns his head a little as I lick the tip and indulge the sweetness of it. He smiles that oh-so-perfect-Carlson smile then carries on lightly pushing his feet off the ground. "What are you thinking about?" I softly question him off guard. He snakes his head back towards me as I settle my feet from the swing.
"What makes you think that I'm thinking of anything?" he laughs, keeping his green eyes glued to me.
"Because you're quiet and you're smiling to yourself." He shuffles his eyes away from mine then concentrates on the floor as his cheeks radiate a warm rosy color. He's definitely thinking about a girl. "It's a girl isn't it?" I lightly dig my finger onto the top of the ice-cream and excavate some out, leaving a deep trail of hollowness. I slide my finger into my mouth and suck around it as I wait for him to answer my question.
"What makes you think that its a girl?" Oh Christ!
"Look Jake! Have you never been taught that asking your own questions when you've been asked one yourself is pretty rude!" I laugh as I jump off the swing's seat and stand directly in front of him. He runs his hands through his dirty blond hair then raises his left brow at me. Wow! He looks so much like his brother right now. "Come on, you can trust me. I'm like your big sister. You can talk to me about girl stuff!" I finish the remaining bit of my ice cream before I place my hands on my hips then look down on him.
"First of all missy you may be older than me by a few months but I..." he pushes himself up from the swing and stands directly opposite me, making me look miniature. "am much bigger than you." He finally grins as I tuck my chin towards my chest and don't feel as powerful as before.
"Okay now you're just showing off." I pout my lips and snake my face away from his in pretend "irritated" manner.
"Aww, Sasha don't cry," he giggles and I can't help but turn around and softly punch his arm. Yeah I can't believe I'm dating your brother and now you're a close friend of mine. Wow! Life is full of surprises. Time to swerve the conversation back to him.
"All jokes aside Jacob. I really want to know who this girl is and I promise you I can get her for you." Wow! How can I be so sure? His lips twitch to a half smile which sends shivers down my spine. "Just describe her to me." I order as we both sit on the swing and face each other.
He inhales sharply and pulls a weak smile at me. "Okay, she's beautiful, cute and has amazing eyes," he quickly states with a "not interested face". I raise my brow at him then cross my arms over my chest. "When I'm with her..." he pauses. "It feels like nothing else around me matters. Like she's the only girl I can ever look out. She makes me crazy and she doesn't even realize it. I wish I could tell her how much you mean to her but her heart already belongs to someone else," he softly murmurs as his Jade green eyes penetrate through me and channels every emotion he's conveying. I guess not everyone's lucky with love. I feel selfish and my throat feels hoarse.
"Who does her heart belong to?" I softly question him, my voice barely a whisper. My heart sinks at his disappointed face. I wish I could read you like a book Jacob. I wish I knew what was troubling you. "Who is it? Do I know him?" He looks so hurt, his green eyes have turned foggy and grey and his face barely a shade of lightness.
"Her heart belongs to..." he pauses as he drops his eyes away from mine and stares at the dark green grass underneath us. "It belongs to-" before he can finish his sentence, two little boys around the age of five come running to us. "Can we go on the swings please!" they beg. I turn to Jacob before briskly getting off the swing and dragging myself away.
"Hey, I hate seeing you like this." I stretch up and lightly peck his cheek. He feels cold and lifeless. "Do you think the guy has stolen her heart as well?" I question him as we head back to his car.
"She's pretty head over heals," he softly murmurs as he opens the door for me and I slide in. "I've got something for you." Hmm! I Love Surprises! A few minutes later, he joins me in the car and in his hand he had a big A3 sized parcel, wrapped in a pink and white spotty wrapping paper then topped off with a big silver bow in the center. He pushes the gift towards me and I reach out my hand to take it but then quickly pause before my fingertips reach the fragile material.
"How much did you spend on this gift?" I'm sick and tired of him and Kyle buying expensive items. And no matter how much I tell them both to stop, they just carry on. The car, necklace, flowers, bracelets, an actual dream catcher, perfume-(Jacob's early birthday gift to me) and the amount of ice creams he's bought me in unbelievable. How can I repay the both of them?
"I spent a lot of time making you this." He pushes the gift towards me and I can't help but smile. The object is hard, and supposedly framed. It must be a picture of some sort. I slowly unwrap the gift and can't believe what he's made me. I run my fingers around the edges then press them against my duplicate.
"You don't like?" he asks me. Like? I Love it! Best present ever! I stare at his incredible artistry and how his captured every bit of me, making everything look effortless and flawless. The frame is a dark gold color, encrusted with tiny diamonds and rubies around the curly designs on the frame. I move my eyes away from the frame and gaze at his wondrous skill at art. Its a painting of me-looking happy, with my pupils dilated like an anime and my mouth stretched out into a huge grin.
"I love it," I softly whisper as I lock eyes with him then stretch over and pull him into a quick embrace. "I'm glad you like it." If only Kyle could see the huge grin on my face. I've got myself a little brother. 'I love you Jake. I really do." I watch as he's pupils dilate with astonishment but he quickly says it back. A long drive back to my house and the outside looks cold and dead. The sun fades into the darkness even though its only half past six.
He quickly parks his car then runs out the car and opens the door for me. My legs feel tired and my exhausted. My lids feel heavy but I refuse to doze off in my boyfriend, brother's car. Who does Jacob like? I need to meet this girl? Why didn't he tell me about her earlier? Shit! I must know her! What if its Lexi? No! Im not going to let him fall a little sadistic bitch like her. I'm going to protect Jacob because he's made me feel so loved, warm and special for the past month. Helping me forget about Kyle-No! Never "forget"! Just get over the grief. I'm starting to become quite attached to him and he's radiant beauty is over-shadowing his forbidden identity. Stop these thoughts Sasha! You're Kyle's girlfriend! Jacob is just your friend! I just don't want some ignorant little bitch to use my handsome baby brother for his money and he's huge personality.
"Are you okay?" he briskly questions me as he drapes his arm over my shoulder and leads me to my house. "Yeah, I'm fine just a bit tired." I yawn as the breeze fans across my chilly body, which causes me to cross my arms over my baggy jumper in an attempt to stay warm.
"You've been really tired lately. Are you sure you're okay?" No not really! I'm always sick-probably missing Kyle too much. Speaking of Kyle. He hasn't called me like he said he would. I strain my neck to peer at him through my lashes. He creases his eyebrows and scrunches his mouth into a tight knot of worriness. He carefully places his warm hand on my forehead then sharply pulls away. What is is? What's wrong? "Sasha, you're burning up!" he alarmingly informs me. Am I? Really? I feel hot but I wouldn't say as far as burning.
"Maybe I've caught something," I whisper. I feel drained and dehydrated. I softly start hyperventilating as the house door urges closer towards me and I feel all the pain from earlier consume my disappearing soul. I can't face my Mom, I just can't. "I don't think this is any bug. You should see a doctor," he murmurs, his face unreadable and impassive. No! I need to see a special someone by the name of Kyle Carlson.
"Jacob, stop worrying. I'm fine," I snap as my head starts to bang the sides of my head for peace and quiet. How can I go from calm to irritated in the space of two minutes? Maybe he's right-I do need checking out. Everything starts throbbing and I feel my own body temperature start to immaculately increase at its own speed. Shit Kyle! Look what you do to me! Even when you're not around, my body still responds to the thoughts about you. But this is not a great response! Head throb isn't exactly "sexy" nor "arousing".
"Sasha, I worry about you..." Doesn't this kid get me? No! Only Kyle gets me and he's not here to soothe the shit out of me. "Jacob, please! I said I was fine just drop it! I yell as I shove his arms away from my shoulder and stomp ahead. "Sorry," I hear him whisper behind me. For fuck's sake! Fix up, Sash! I turn back to him as his cold eyes says "disappointment" all over him. Christ! He's such a soft little bunny. "No, I'm sorry. Thanks for the day I had the best time." That's become a very common line for me to say for the past month. Now time to hug and walk our separate ways. No connection-it feels more than just distance between us. I've really fucked up haven't I? Yeah, you got that right! Whats wrong with me? I need some sleep.
I turn on my heel and my walk of shame up to the door. Turn back and hug him-no keep walking-don't you dare grow unwanted for your boyfriend's brother. My sub-conscience presents me with a deadly slap to the face. Without turning back I enter my house and quickly shut the door behind me. My throat burns a little-my guilty conscience roars in fury. I feel like a victim in my own skin. I take out my cell phone and check for any messages or missed calls from Kyle but none at all. I bite the inside of my bottom lip as I decide on what to do next. I need to call him, otherwise Ill be debating on my conscience all day. I put the phone up to my ear and wait several rings. What's the time over there? Probably around eleven. Im not good with time. Why isnt he picking up? Five rings-six rings-seven rings-eight rings-no pick up. Then finally-
"Sorry this person you're trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep." My shoulders drop and I lose all my self-esteem. His answer machine is the only response I get.
"Hey baby...its me.." my voice is barely audible and mostly coarse. "You haven't called me like you said you would and you know how I like to hear your voice every second of the day. Call me whenever you get this...please." I quickly close the call and hold the phone up to my chest. Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. Where could you be at this time over there? I tap my finger against my screen as I stroll into the lounge. "Hi! Tasha shouts as she swings her feet from off the couch then flicks through the channels. I grin at my curious little sister and I start to feel a little more settled. I don't know where I would be without Tasha-probably forever gone like Keira. I miss my older sister so much, I want to call her but I haven't seen or heard from her in ages. My life is fucked up right now. Daddy please come back!
"You here by yourself?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Nope" she pops the 'p'- "mom's having a shower upstairs. She was really upset after you left and when I asked her whats wrong she just told me to stop asking questions. But now I think she's okay." I rub the temples of my head and it suddenly feels really hot in here. I need a drink and preferably some aspirins. I leap off the chair then stagger towards the kitchen. I tip toe then strain my abdomen so I'm able to run my fingers on top of the fridge and grab the packet of Aspirins. My stomach twists and knots itself, as if someone's given me one too many blows. Maybe I need to cut down on the ice-creams for breakfast.
I pop two aspirins into my dry mouth then wash it down with a glass of water. My eyes start to feel ponderous but I fight back the feeling. I drop my head into my hands and wish for all the things that I know wont come true. I want my old insanely happy mom back, I want Kyle back right now and I want my Dad back. He would know how to solve all this mess between my messed up family. The something catches my eye. A pink post-it note lying flat on the counter. How did I not see this before? Or am I having some kind of hallucination? I stumble towards the note, keeping hands tightly gripped onto sustainable objects along the way. I tear the note from the surface and hold it close to my eyes:
** I cant do it. I can't be the mom you and Tasha deserve. Look after your little sister and stay safe my angel. Very sorry that I've already done this. You deserve better. You both do. Love Mom X **
Done what? What has she done? A horrifying thought crosses my mind. Shit! What if she's committed suicide. Tasha did say that she was really upset after I had left and that she headed for the shower straight after. Please mom! Please don't let me be right! I don't want you to be re-united with daddy just yet. Please let my conscience be wrong! Please! I dash up the stairs, my lungs burning for oxygen and my breath slightly off rhythm. I head for the bathroom door and push it open but no one's inside. The fuck? If shes not in the bathroom then where could she be? I leave the bathroom door wide open and head for her bedroom. "Please let my conscience be wrong." My chants seem to have escaped through my drought lips. I force her bedroom door open then find myself flying into an empty lifeless room. The drawers all open but yet all vacant. The sheets on her bed are draped over her humongous bed and all the clothes in her wardrobe have vanished.
"I never meant what I said," I find myself quietly croaking as the tears overfill the base of my eyes and then quickly run in sync down my already-punished-enough cheeks.
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Debbie Nia Monroe xoxo
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