My mind has been stuck on Cheesy for the past week. Ever since he kissed me I've been trying to handle whatever the fuck I'm feeling, so in order to get literally anything done at all, I decided I would keep a journal.
The idea started when I overheard Balloon talk to Tissues about how he's been keeping one for a while and it helps him "keep his emotions in check" or something lame along those lines.
So I went out and bought one.
I know it sounds girly and childish to do, but I can't just talk to others about this! IM LOSING MY MIND!!! Cheesy is just a good friend, A GREAT FRIEND EVEN, but sometimes I'd consider kissing him, or cuddling him, or sharing my life with him AND ITS GROSS BECAUSE IM NOT GAY! Having these intrusive thoughts is why I wanted this dumb journal in the first place. Maybe after I've gotten this stuff out of my system and onto the paper my feelings will just.... disappear.
I pick up my pen, move the ugly red string in the middle of the journal, and begin to write.
"Cheesy is... complicated. He's annoying, and he's confusing. Honestly, the thought of Cheesy even looking at me like that, like how I look at him, ITS TOO MUCH TO HANDLE!!! I wish I could be more upfront about all of this, but just trying to talk to him makes my insides burn and looking at him makes me want to..
To ki-"
"What's up Trophy!" Cheesy exclaims loudly as he kicks the door open to the rooftop as I'm writing my feelings down.
"NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!" I scream out as I quickly slam the journal shut and sit on it so he can't see it.
"Guess who landed a comedy act at the hotel tonight? This guy!" He points to himself and starts his walk over to me as the sun begins to set over the horizon.
"HAHA! SO CRAZY RIGHT!?!? ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU'VE DONE THAT!" I say to him trying to sound like I have nothing to hide at the moment.
"Yeah, the last time I preformed you were in the crowd heckling me the entire time! I'm sure you appreciate me enough to at least tolerate my jokes now! Well, if you want to go..." He sits down next to me and looks into my eyes desperately waiting for my response.
"Of course I do dumbass!" I say without hesitation as I put my hand on his head and shake him a little. He laughs and tells me to quit it, but I think I'll try to do that more often. JUST BECAUSE IT MAKES CHEESY MAD OK???? ITS NOT AN EXCUSE TO TOUCH HIM!!! IM NOT GAY!!!
But... What if I was.
Wait-
I take my hand off of his head and turn away.
I can't be thinking stuff like this.
"I know you've never laughed at my jokes, but tonight, I'll make sure I use ones that deserve a trophy!" Cheesy says as he knee slaps and pulls out his own journal that looks almost exactly like mine. He keeps all his stupid puns in there, I don't think I've ever seen him without it.
"I've almost filled this thing up with jokes so I'm gonna need a new one soon, but this will do for the show tonight. It's going to be a PUNtastic evening!" He knee slaps and continues "I've been thinking about putting stickers or something on my journals so they don't get mixed up, I'm also considering making my own too! Oh wait, sorry, I'm rambling again hehe" He stops talking because he obviously thinks it's annoying me but I could listen to him all day.
I need to be put in a mental hospital. "Anyways, wanna grab a bite to eat? I heard Oj bought wings today-"
"YES WINGS ARE THE SHI- I mean- sure I guess" I try to say nonchalantly to him. I fucking LOVE wings, but I'm trying to act cool because, you know- Cheesy needs someone he can look up to.... and.. well- you know what fuck it I'm trying to act cool because I think he's cool ok???
"Awwwwe it's cute when you're all excited!"
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP IM LEAVING!" I say to him as I completely disregard my journal and walk away, trying to hide my face with my arm. I'm so over this weird stomach bug I keep getting when Cheesy is around. I think I'm lactose intolerant.
"WAIT, I'M HUNGRY TOO!" He says as he sprints to catch up and shuts the door behind me.
When we get there, we're pretty early, so we can get plenty of wings, first come first serve right? I kinda feel sorry for all of the losers who won't have any by the end of the night. After we both get 6-7 wings, We huddle near the couch on the floor to watch Pickle try to get a new high score on his videogame. Pickle seems to never leave his spot except when he's grabbing more snacks, taking the occasional shower, or when other people need to watch the TV. I kinda feel sorry for the guy. After 30 or so minutes of playing, Pickle was close to getting a new record, and Cheesy touches my hand on accident to see the TV better. If it wasn't covered in buffalo sauce It would've been a picture perfect moment before he pulled away and laughed it off.
After sitting there for a couple of minutes Cheesy checks the clock and jumps up from his spot on the floor.
"Well would you look at the time! I gotta head over to the entertainment room, I got a show to put on!"
"But Cheesy, doesn't it start in 30 minutes?" Pickle asks him, still staring at the screen.
"Well, yeah, but I gotta set up the stage and the lighting and all of that. Kind of a lot of work, but I won't shred a tear!" He knee slaps and throws his plate in the garbage.
"See ya at the show Cheesy!" I say to him.
"You better!" He says as he leaves the room.
When he's out of sight, Pickle pauses his game and leans over to talk to me.
"So Cheesy...." He starts to say with a shitty smirk plastered on his face.
"God damn it not you too-"
"You don't have to hide it Trophy, you know, I was nervous when I started liking Knife too-"
"UGH! SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND! ME AND CHEESY AREN'T GAY. CASE CLOSED. NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY IM LEAVING!"
I get up from the ground and make my way over to the trash as he says to me:
"You know, Cheesy treats you differently."
I stop in my tracks.
"Pfft, suuuuuure Pickle. Like Cheesy acts differently toward me than anyone else in this hotel."
Pickle sees he's piqued my interest by talking about Cheesy so he elaborates.
"Well, notice how he barely invades your space anymore?"
"Bullshit, he just did like 20 minutes ago!"
"And then pulled his hand away like he thought it would bother you? That's not like Cheesy to do, and you know that."
"H-HOW DO YOU KNOW THE HAND THING HAPPENED ANYWAYS??? YOU WERE FOCUSED ON YOUR GAME!"
"good peripheral vision, and the fact your face was tomato red when it happened gave it away."
"WELL THERE ARE NO OTHER EXAMPLES OF CHEESY LIKING ME EVER!"
I sit back down and stare at Pickles stupid face trying to intimidate him, but he looks like he's about to refrain from laughing his ass off at what I just said.
"Dude, are you kidding me? Everytime I see you two around I have to stop myself from commenting. YOU LITERALLY LET HIM SIT IN YOUR CUP SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO WALK TO THE KITCHEN. AND ANYTIME YOU LEAN OVER HE ASKS FOR PERMISSION TO KISS YOU ON THE FOREHEAD??? AND YOU LET HIM??? IN PUBLIC?!?!??"
"W-WELL HE DOES IT OBNOXIOUSLY, ITS A FRIENDLY KISS SO IT DOESNT COUNT. I-ITS JUST A JOKE!!"
"A JOKE????? you're in too deep man. Your closet is made out of glass. Cheesy likes you dude, and from the looks of it, you like him back."
"He would never like me, I'm a shitty person-"
"You WERE a shitty person. Past tense. The game does that to people, you can't let it get to you. Even though your personality is bad doesn't mean you're a bad person in general! The blackmailing stuff is the whole reason why you isolated yourself from the others anyways!"
"..."
"Give yourself a chance, dude."
".... I'm leaving."
Pickle is right. Maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am, but I'm definitely not good enough for Cheesy.
I walk over to the entertainment room, Cheesy's show starts in two minutes because of all that time Pickle took up talking to me, but when I get there, he's not on the stage.
"CHEESY!!!!!!!" I yell and everyone turns to look at me annoyed but frankly I don't give a fuck. I wait for his response...
Nothing.
Fuck me.
WHERE'D HE GO????
I sprint out of the area and make my way through all of the rooms we've been in. Not in the gym, or near the couch, or in the kitchen, hell, not even on the rooftop! I open our room door, thinking he wouldn't be in there, and I find him.
He's packing his things up.
"CHEESY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW???"
"TROPHY! I didn't expect you to be here."
"WHY ARE YOU MOVING OUT???"
"Well, don't get mad at me for this, but, I read your diary."
"Well first off, it's a journal, and second off, WHAT THE FUCK???"
"I went to the rooftop and grabbed the first journal I saw and thought it was mine I swear! When I got to the entertainment room, I looked through it and found out what you actually thought about me.."
Oh.
Oh god.
He probably thinks I'm gay, and that's why he wants to move out.
I should've known someone like Cheesy would even give two shits for a guy like me. I'm terrible. I knew I was never good enough for him. I'm so bad at this friendship thing that the only person who I considered a friend wants to leave-
"I can't believe you still hate my guts..."
WHAT?
"WHAT."
"You say here: 'but just trying to talk to him makes my insides burn' I didn't know it was hard for you to even TALK to me because of how much you hated me."
Oh my god. This DUMBASS-
"Look, I knew you were alone for a while, that you never wanted to accept anyone as a friend. I thought maybe it was because you just didn't want them to do the same thing you did to knife. So I thought I was the perfect roommate for you. You always had your guard lowered because you thought "this little punk wouldn't even dare to do anything to me" And I didn't, because I respected you. And I thought we were friends..."
"Cheesy, I-"
"Look, I'm already almost done packing up. I'll figure out another room arrangement. maybe I could share wi-
"Cheesy, please shut the fuck up."
Cheesy stops talking, which, I can kind of see what Pickle is talking about here, he's definitely different than how he used to be around me (a loud mouth with no filter) but putting all of that aside I want to tell him the truth.
"Cheesy, you're a dumbass."
"That definitely doesn't help.. heh" he says as he sets my journal down and boxes up "The Bee Movie" and all the other terrible movies he likes so much.
I don't want to do this, I don't. But he's given me no choice. It's either I explain what I wrote to him or Cheesy switches rooms. Before I knew him, I would scream THANK GOD I GET THIS WHOLE ROOM TO MYSELF NOW!!! But now, he's more than just an annoying pest to me. If he leaves, I'd hate myself for it.
"Cheesy, I'm going to help you figure out what I meant." I walk over to him and take my journal from the empty desk he sat it on.
"Read starting from the very beginning." I tell him nervously as I hesitantly put my journal in his hand.
"Cheesy is... complicated. He's annoying, and he's confusing."
"How is this any different-"
"JUST- keep reading please." I tell him as he gives me a puzzled look.
"Honestly, the thought of Cheesy even looking at me like that, like how I look at him, it's too much to handle-"
"OK THERE! STOP! What about that sentence?" I point it out on the paper and Cheesy looks as lost as ever.
"Well, it sounded odd so I skipped over it."
"What do you think I meant though?"
"I.. don't know..."
"Let me ask a different question, how do YOU think I look at you?"
"Well, before all of this, I thought you looked at me like someone who you trusted, someone you cared for, a friend..?"
"It's.... a little more than that..."
"Do you.... T-Trophy.... Wait-" he starts to stammer and look away. He pours over my journal again and again, seeming to understand more with every silent read.
"You.... You like me!?!"
"..."
"And and at the end, you wanted to... To Kiss me??!?!?"
"MMMHM!!!" I barely manage to get out.
He looks to the side and blushes hard. "Trophy I'd let you kiss me any day of the week. You know, I like you too, you could've just asked..."
OH MY GOD. ALL THIS TIME.. WE'VE BOTH BEEN DUMBASSES?????
"UMMMM UHHH-"
"Do you want... to kiss me on the lips?" He says to me as he puts the journal down and wiggles his eyebrows.
ON THE LIPS???? WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!!!
I'll give myself the chance... the chance to be happy. Just once.
"MAYBE. MAYBE YEAH. YES PLEASE." oh my God I can't believe I've denied this feeling for so long.
He intertwines his small cold fingers in mine and stands on his tippy toes as I realize...
I'm gay.
I'm gay as fuck. I've never felt so relieved in my entire life to be admitting that.
"I'm waiting Trophy!" Cheesy says to me.
"mmmmmMMmMMMmMMM can you do it instead???" I say nervously.
"No I don't think I will... Hehe."
This little twerp.
He looks into my eyes and I've never wanted to kiss him as much as I do now. I close my eyes and lean into him. The mood never felt so right.
and then the FUCKING door opens.
"Hey guys what happened to the show-"
"GOD DAMN IT OJ!!!!!"