WARNING : Sexual Activity
Lena Boggs
I tried to not feel guilty as I snuck out of John B's room at sunrise, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night even though JJ held me in his arms most of the night. Every time I closed my eyes, JJ's confession echoed in my mind. I didn't know what to think, or what I should do. It confused me because I thought it was what I wanted to hear, and maybe if it was a month ago I would have been over the moon about it... But things are different now.
I found myself wondering how Ayden would feel... This confused me even more because I wasn't even sure what I felt towards him, and I knew that we were nothing more than friends who... kiss. That sounds bad, I know but I had made it clear to him I wasn't ready for anything serious, so why did I find myself taking his feelings into consideration?
Then I thought about how I felt when I saw Kiara and JJ together, what JJ started with her knowing that we were sleeping together... Only stopped just recently. I wasn't over the betrayal he made me feel when he called me Kiara while we were having sex. Or the way he completely disregarded my feelings after I admitted them to him.
I also found myself wondering if what he said was even true at all... He had told me that he didn't feel for me in that way, I heard him tell John B that he doesn't care about me, and he has had so many opportunities to tell me in the past... It just didn't make any sense and it didn't feel fair to me.
When I got to my room, I slammed my bedroom door shut behind me and fell onto my bed.
Maybe it was just the alcohol speaking... Maybe another cruel game JJ was trying to play to see if he still had me wrapped around his finger...
I press my face into my press, letting out a scream of frustration as I think about every intimate memory I have with JJ.
I was confused, more than I had ever been before.
"Lena?" I gasp at the sound of JJ's voice from my window, turning to see his head sticking in through it. "JJ, what the hell?" I stand from my bed and watch as he climbs in.
"You left..." He mumbled, standing a few steps away from me. "Yeah, my Mom needed me." I tried to lie, but I knew he could see right through it.
There's silence that falls over us, our eyes never disconnecting as if we were playing a game of who was going to talk first. JJ's black eye stared back at me, taunting me... As if judging me that I left him alone after he broke down in my arms last night.
I let out a shaky sigh before pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "Do you remember what you told me last night?" I gave in, speaking first. JJ's shoulders tense, as he sucks in a deep breath.
"I do." Is all he says.
"Did you mean it?"
JJ stares at me for a second, watching as I crumble in front of him. My chest rising and falling at a rapid speed, anxiety coursing through my body at such an intense pace.
"I... Yes." He admits, and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was feeling.
My reaction shocked both as laughter ripped through me. I wasn't sure why, I didn't know why I was laughing when I felt nothing that could cause me to laugh at this moment. If anything I felt the exact opposite.
I cover my mouth trying to stop myself, JJ staring at me with confusion written all over his face. "Oh, you gotta be shitting me." I gasp out, shaking my head as I turn away from him and begin pacing around my room.
"I don't... Understand?" He said slowly, never leaving from the place that he stands. I stop and face him, my laughter coming to a stop. "That makes two of us."
"Okay, I'm lost," JJ admits, narrowing his eyes. "Why are you mad?"
I gape at him. "Are you seriously asking me that?" I start pacing again. "Why am I mad? Why am I fucking mad?"
I ran a hand through my hair. "Maybe because I don't know what to think when it comes to you! First, you're telling me that you have no feelings for me after I tell you that I've been in love with you since the fifth fucking grade," I shout, "And then you start mackin' on my best friend and rubbing it in my face!"
I felt like I was losing my breath. "And then! You act like a complete asshole to me and now that we're okay again... You tell me you're in love with me!" I turn and face him again. "What am I supposed to think? Are you trying to fuck with me, JJ?"
"What?" He exclaimed in disbelief. "Of course I'm not fucking with you, Lee!" He shouts at me. "I meant it. Ok? But I never meant to tell you, I was drunk and wasn't thinking straight."
I shake my head. "Ah, okay. So that makes it okay, I'm so glad I know that you were going to hide your feelings." I touch my hand to my heart in fake gratitude.
"That's not what I-" JJ groans, running a hand down his face. "It's out there now, isn't it! So what are we going to do?"
My jaw clenched as I grind my teeth, unsure of how to respond to that. "Why didn't you tell me? Even after I told you about mine..."
JJ sighed, "Because."
I scoff and stomp over to him, glaring as I look up at him. "Because it isn't a good enough answer JJ. Not this time."
"Holy fuck, Lena! Because it's you! And it's me, are you joking? I can't give you what you deserve, I was never going to be good enough for you! As much as I love you I would never drag you down with me!" He bursts. "I'm bound to end up in jail just like my shit bag of a Dad did, everyone knows it!"
"But then I look at you and I see this... Incredible human being, who's actually going to make something out of her life, I know... I know with every bone in my body that you deserve everything and more. Do you get that?" He shouts at me, his nostrils flaring as he leaves me speechless.
"Do you know how many times I wanted to tell you? How many moments you looked so beautiful I just wanted to say it out loud? The nights I spent with you were some of the only moments in my life where I felt happy Lena, and then you told me you were in love with me..." His eyes flicker back and forth between mine. "And that scared me because I couldn't use the excuse that you would never feel the same way for me... I hated myself for hurting you, but I knew that if I let you in the way I wanted to that you would end up ruined by me. I break everything I touch!"
I felt so many emotions standing here in front of JJ, holding onto every word he said.
"You are Lena Boggs... The one person who makes me feel like something more than a Maybank. You're insanely beautiful, and like I told you, my favorite person on this planet... So I tried to stay away, I started something with Kie hoping that it would help me. I couldn't lose you as my friend... That part I told you was true, but I would never be selfish enough to drag you down with me. I love you too much to do that."
"I..." I stuttered, my eyes stinging. I could see the glossed-over look in his eyes too, turning his eyes an even brighter shade of blue.
"You don't get to make that decision for me... JJ. That's a decision that I need to make for myself..." I say quietly, sniffling and rubbing my nose. "I have been waiting for you to love me the way I loved you, and you took that from me by making that decision. You took that away from me, and it caused pain in my life..."
JJ stands still, lips pressed in a thin line as a tear slides down his cheek.
"I love you more than I can even comprehend. It didn't matter what you did, or who you were with... I always thought it was us, that we were endgame," I say, waving my hand between us. "I can't fathom why you cannot see yourself the way I see you, it breaks my heart that you think so lowly of yourself. You're more than a Maybank, you're not bound to end up like your father just because you're from the same bloodline. Why can't you see how perfectly amazing you are?" I press my hand to his cheek, smiling sadly as he leans his face into my touch.
He places his hand over the top of mine resting on his cheek, wrapping his fingers around my hand and squeezing them.
"I love you, you idiot," My lip quivers as I stare into his eyes. "But..."
JJ's face falls, his hand dropping from mine as I rub my thumb under his eye. "But I can't... I can't anymore, J. This has proven to not work, it shouldn't be this hard..."
"Lee..." He whispers, but I drag my finger over his lip. "We can't, J... I'm not ready to lose you." I shake my head, tears falling freely down my face. "You're my best friend before anything else... We have to let each other go..."
I wipe a tear that had fallen down his cheek, as JJ leans his forehead against mine. "Does this have to do with Ayd-" I cut him off, pressing my lips to his in desperation.
I needed to feel him one more time. Just one last time and then I'll let him go.
His hands find my back, pressing me closer to him as he kisses me with passion. Giving all our emotions we've been hiding away to one another, we stumble backward towards my bed.
JJ hovers over me, biting down on my bottom lip and pulling away. His hand caresses my face, eyes filled with admiration as he stared down at me. "So beautiful..." He breathlessly says before pressing his lips back on mine.
We undress each other, taking our time and memorizing every curve of each other's bodies.
I turn JJ over onto his back after he slides his sweatpants off my legs and pushes them to the floor. I straddle his lap, slowly pulling his shirt over my head exposing my chest to him. JJ's hands cover my breasts, squeezing them softly causing a moan to fall from me before leaning up and pressing his lips to mine.
"So, so beautiful." He whispers against my lips as I lift myself slightly, reaching down and lining him up with me.
As I sink onto him, we moan at the same time. My head was thrown back as he stretched me, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer so that our bare chests were pushed against one another's.
I slowly grind my hips down on him, soft moans leaving my mouth as JJ places wet kisses against my throat, his hands moving all around my back as he groans against my skin.
"Lee," He groans as I bounce on him, my face looking down at him. He captures my lips, sliding his tongue across my bottom lip.
I bite down on his lip, pulling back as he thrusts up into me. "Fuck, JJ." I moaned as he repeated the action. "Such a good girl." JJ moans, gripping my hips as he thrusts harder, "You like that?" He whispers in my ear.
I nod, my lip between my teeth as I bite down hard. I gasp as JJ flips me onto my back, pulling out almost all the way before thrusting back into me with much force.
"Holy shit!" I moan, as JJ lifts my legs onto his shoulders and begins pounding into me at a rapid speed. I'm a moaning mess, my bed hitting my wall with each thrust that JJ took.
"Who makes you feel this good?" He groans, slowly pulling out before pushing back in. My back arches as one leg falls off his shoulder, my hands grasping the bedsheet.
His thrusts become slow, my legs wrapping around his waist. "You, JJ. Only you." I moan as he thrusts into me in a way he never has before. Gentle and slow, dropping his head down to kiss me, allowing me to moan into his mouth.
It felt different. We both knew it... This was a goodbye.
"Lena..." He moans into my ear, as my arms wrap around his neck. I needed him as close as he could be, I needed to feel his skin on mine for as long as I could.
He pushes hair out of my face, my mouth agape as he looks down at me. Our sweaty bodies moving together in sync. "Cum with me, baby." He begs, looking down at me in need.
We finished together, breathlessly as he collapsed beside me.
He places a kiss on my shoulder, turning my face to look at him with his hand on my chin. Tears linger in my eyes as he kisses me softly, one final kiss to soothe the ache in my heart. His other arm wrapping around me and rubbing circles on my back.
"Goodbye, Lee B."
And although I knew it wasn't really goodbye, that I would see him when I go to John B's house or when I'm with the rest of my friends... JJ was still and always will be, my best friend but... I knew it was a goodbye to the intimacy between us, our way of choosing our friendship over love.
It hurt like hell when JJ left after holding me in his arms for a little longer, but in a sense... It was me choosing myself, too.
This was my choice. JJ will always be my first love, that never meant it would be my last, even if I wish he could be.
- - - -
I TOLD YOU I'D UPDATE AGAIN!
I'm really happy with this even though it was shorter!
Xoxo,
A