Katsuki Bakugou
"What did...you say?" Deku's still misty eyes took on a craze of emotions as he tried to comprehend what I'd said. It's understandable, really, it is. His childhood hero is the same man who just caused him to break down a few moments ago, "But Mr. Yagi is..." Even as Deku tried to reason why Mr. Yagi and All Might couldn't be the same person I could tell he was putting it together, "How do you know?"
"Well..." This is a bit more complicated, "All Might's quirk, you know how he never says what it is?" Deku nodded, "It's because it's a quirk that the user can pass down. It's named One For All and I'm the ninth user. All Might gave it to me after I tried to save you from that sludge bastard." I could tell by his eyes that Deku wished he had his notebook to document this in, "The existence of this quirk is a huge fucking secret. It's felt like All Might put a boulder on me if I'm being honest, forcing me to be unable to speak to anybody about it."
"I'm sorry," Deku has been apologizing all day and I hate the sound of it, "Sorry to hear about that, sorry to force it out of you." He turned his gaze to the floor, "Must have been exciting though, scary, but exciting."
"It's been interesting," I recalled the training I've been doing with the boiling water and shuddered, "One For All enhanced my quirk so I've had to relearn how to control it. Plus it increased my physical abilities, I've been trying to hide that though. I figure if I started punching things like All Might and using his moves people might put it together, or might think I'm related to All Might. I'd rather avoid all of that."
"Like a secret love child," Deku chuckled and lifted his head again, "So maybe that's why..." I made a noise to tell him to explain and Deku looked at me, "During the USJ attack when All Might saved us, he didn't call me Young Midoriya like he usually does. He called me Izuku, my first name. So...it's because he's Mr. Yagi..."
God, All Might sure is a fucking idiot. Slipping up like that around somebody as smart as Deku, it's asking for trouble. Deku's head turned to the hall we had walked from and a frown reappeared on his face, "So even somebody as cool as All Might wanted nothing to do with me."
It's so fucked up how I've never noticed Deku's insecurities about his worth until now. I've seen him feeling uneasy before, being nervous, doubting himself. But it takes a lot for a person to begin insulting themselves, "Deku that's not it." He didn't budge and I grabbed his arm to pull him closer, "All Might is sort of uh emotionally stunted."
Deku's blank stare let me know that I wasn't convincing him at all, "When All Might was training, like us, he ended up alone for a long time. Then the user of One For All before him found him but she died before she could train him properly. All Might sort of drifted around for a bit, even ending up in America, and I don't think he ever really grew up. I think when his mentor died he hit pause emotionally." I don't know what I'm talking about as a non-therapist but I'm trying my best dammit, "Like he never dealt with it, I guess. So when he met your mom, or, well...having a relationship and a kid are huge responsibilities and I guess he got scared of getting attached to somebody again."
I could probably bring up how Ms. Midoriya sort of resembles All Might's mentor but maybe I shouldn't throw gasoline onto an already out of control fire. Deku sighed and I felt him lean into my side, "It just hurts so...much. I always thought my dad left us because he didn't love me and then Mr. Yagi showed up." Deku's breath faltered for a moment and I worried he would start crying again, "He showed up and I thought I had a dad. I made him gifts, he called me kiddo, I was excited to show him when I got good grades, and I wanted to start calling him dad too. Then I went into that coma and it was like I woke up in a new world." Deku paused again and I could see him picking at his cuticles which I've told him over and over again not to do. I grabbed his hand to stop him from damaging his skin further, "It's like nobody loves me in this new world."
"What?"
"It's just so lonely," Deku has been feeling like this for how long? How long ago was that coma...Jesus Christ, "My mom is trying to keep everything normal but I can tell she misses Mr. Yagi and she doesn't treat me the same anymore either."
I thought back to the day Deku woke up and how happy I was, how glad I was just to see him talking. But there was another thing that occurred that day, the conversation with the doctors that he hasn't told me about, "What happened?"
Deku's breath shuddered a bit as he steadied himself against me, "Kacchan I don't think I'm going to make it to graduation." The sincerity in his voiced seemed to create a chasm underneath me.
I've known Deku could die at any moment, I've known it somewhere deep inside of me since the day he coughed up blood in our Kindergarten classroom. It's always been a thought buried deep into my psyche, that I could lose my best friend in an instant. Every day I spent without seeing Deku is a day I could have been making memories. I know that, I always have, but it's just too fucked up.
"D...Don't say that," Deku remained motionless and I shook him with our connected hands, "Hey don't say that. You-I-We promised, we fucking promised we'd graduate and take on the world together, right?" What is this feeling in my stomach? "Did it mean nothing?"
"It meant everything," Deku's voice was barely above a whisper and he let his head come to rest on my shoulder. His thumb began to trace soft, small circles into the flesh of my hand, "Everything I've done with you has meant everything to me. You're the reason I have been fighting so hard, Kacchan, I want to live with you. I want to be in your life, I don't want to die." He sounded resigned, "The doctors told my mother that I've been weakening for a while now. I noticed it a little, how I was gasping to breathe from one flight of stairs, struggling to eat some days, being unable to sleep. But I fought it all so I could be with you."
"Well, why can't you just keep fighting it?" My throat feels like I just did a shot of vinegar, fuck. Is Deku tired? Tired of living, of fighting, of breathing? His existence has been nothing but pain for over ten years but he kept going for what? Me? Am I selfish for asking him to stay here? It's not fair, I can't lose him. What the fuck am I without Deku? Who am I? How am I supposed to know that? Without Deku...I'd never be Kacchan again.
"It's not like I'm giving up," Deku countered, "I want to live, Kacchan. I want to live and run and eat and make friends and live." He followed up his statement with a quiet shrug, "I'm going to try my best, at living. But I can feel my body giving up without my consent. It's weird, being disconnected from it sometimes. My mind wants to move, work, and be alive but my body wants to be done...I'm so scared that one day I'll go to sleep and stay asleep."
Deku's hand tightened around mine and he offered a smile, "It's not like we didn't know this was going to happen eventually."
"So what?" I felt like I was going to explode with the number of emotions I needed to try and process, "So fucking what? Should it be better that we knew you were a sick child?" Deku cringed a little and I squeezed his hand, "It's not any better, not even a little bit. I can't lose you to anything Deku. I fought everything I could, bullies, villains, anything I could to keep you here. Here with me. I can't fight whatever is inside you and so what? I'm supposed to accept it? Move on? What kind of hero could I ever hope to be if I confronted every case with that attitude?" This is so utterly and totally fucked up, "Dammit, Deku. How am I supposed to live without you?"
I searched Deku's eyes but I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I could feel my vision blurring and I hated that because it's selfish. Selfish of me to cry when Deku's the one dying, "Nothing in this world could complete me if I lost you." When did I learn such sappy words? I sound like a chick flick, "Do you understand that, Deku? I can't exist without you."
"You don't have to," Deku offered a smile and I felt him pull me into him. Deku isn't much shorter than me but it's noticeable in a situation like this where my back has to bend so my face can rest on his shoulder, "I'll always be around for you, Kacchan. Who knows what happens when people die? When I'm gone you can just talk to the air and I'll be listening, I can promise that."
I bit back the rest of my tears and pushed away from him, "Why are you talking like that? Like it's certain. What do you mean when?" I know getting mad at Deku isn't going to change anything but I don't know what else to do, "It's not a foregone conclusion goddammit."
Deku's expression reflected pity and I turned away. How could he feel pity for me? It's wrong of me to make him feel that way, "It has been for a long time coming and you know that." He said, "I'm going to make this disease fight me though, the best I can. It's going to kill me but that doesn't mean I'll make it easy."
"Shut up god shut up..." I wanted to punch something but I know that's not the right way to handle things. I feel like there's pressure behind my ears and a weight attached to my heart. Everything is moving in a blur and I can't stand it.
Back when we were kids I was angry I couldn't protect him and over a decade later nothing has changed. I can't protect Deku, I can't do anything for him. I'm useless, a useless idiot who can't keep the one person he wants to protect safe. I know Deku is right, I know Deku is going to die, I know Deku is doing his best but I can't stand it. I can't accept this, I won't accept this. Deku is my Deku and nobody, no person, no illness, nobody is going to take him from me. Nobody should have been able to...
"...you." I looked up and noticed Deku had been talking. Jesus, how could I have tuned him out. I know it feels like my world is ending but Deku's is, "Kacchan?"
"I uh I didn't hear you," It felt wrong to admit that I wasn't listening. Like I was being insensitive? I'm not sure why, "Sorry I...Deku?" A single tear had escaped and trailed down his cheek, "Deku what's wrong?"
"It's nothing," Deku moved his hand to wipe it away but I snatched it again, "Kacchan it's nothing."
"Weren't you the one who said we've been lying a lot recently?" My hand felt like it was tingling, the contact with Deku felt more important now, "So you should listen to your own words and stop."
Deku managed a light glare but he had begun quietly crying now, "Well it's your fault for not listening."
"I know, I'm sorry." I'm such an asshole.
Deku sniffled before he spoke, "I said that...knowing how my life is on a countdown now..." He was gazing at our hands so I looked at them too, "It made me realize how...brief things can be. How simple, fragile. If you don't take hold of your opportunities they slip away. So I...love you, Kacchan."
I don't know if my head moved first or my eyes but everything in me seemed to jump up to stare at Deku. He was still staring at our hands and I suddenly realized how his face was dusted with pink. Do you know the portrait filter on iPhones? It seemed like it had been turned on for my eyes because everything became blurry, except for Deku.
Here he was, black shirt, blue jeans, messy green hair... Is this what it means to have your feelings reciprocated? When I planned to confess to Deku I fully expected to be rejected but...dammit have I been wasting these last few months?
"K..Kacchan?" Deku's voice cracked and I snapped out of my confusing state of existence. He was crying more now with soft sobs escaping.
Oh, I'd taken too long.
"Deku..." He recoiled and attempted to pull his hands away but I held them there, "Deku you're so beautiful, you know?"
Deku blinked and I didn't know what else to do besides throw my arms around him and hold him until he got the message. We could sit here until tomorrow morning for all I cared, I just couldn't stand the sound of Deku crying and it being my fault.
"Kacchan..."
"I love you too, damn nerd."