Hotel, Aberdeen;
Shayne Ackles...
My brother had booked the penthouse suite for us - it ensured that we were all in the same space but also allowed us our privacy with our own rooms. The suite was luxurious in a way that I have never truly been comfortable with. Yet, right now, it definitely made me feel safer than I imagined I would be feeling at this point.
Everything was pristinely presented - silver fixtures and fittings, soft pastel colours adorned the walls and the seating area. A large glass dining table sat near the entrance to the suite. Large sliding doors led out onto a wrap-around balcony. A small kitchenette ran along the side wall where a small hallway led to the 4 bedrooms housed within the suite. A large gas fireplace was by the sofa and chairs and gave a nice warm glow to the room. This was opulent decadence at its finest. Not at all my taste but there was no way I was kicking up a fuss tonight. No, tonight I just wanted to curl up and sleep.
Sleep. Not going to lie, I am a little worried that it won't come. I am terrified that I am going to be plagued with nightmares of what Jonah had done to me, earlier in the evening. What if I can't ever get past it?
What if my home never feels safe again? That alone is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat. My home has always been my safe place, my sanctuary - the one place where I can just let my hair down and be myself. Where I don't have to worry about what people think. Will it ever feel like that again? I truly fear that it won't. I fear that it will always feel like a place where I am no longer safe.
Hailey and my brother headed off to bed as soon as we locked the suite up. Of course, I was still clinging to Jeremy, and I hated myself for it. I have never been a clingy woman. I have never felt the need for a man to protect me. From anything. Yet here I am - feeling the need for him to remain by my side. I am terrified to even contemplate what could have ended up happening to me tonight if he hadn't shown up when he did.
Would Jonah have killed me? I mean, he had definitely had that look in his eye. You know the one I mean - the look where he was completely vacant. No sign of the man I had once loved with all of who I am. No sign of anything other than pure hatred.
When had he grown to hate me so much?
A small shudder raced through my veins and Jeremy gently wrapped his arms around me and held me close, his body a warm and welcoming comfort from the tormented form of my thoughts and feelings. My arms wrapped around his midsection and held on with all of my strength, "I've got you, Shay. Just let go, I won't let anything happen to you!" He whispered in my ear, and I was pretty sure I heard him breathe me in.
I knew he had me, I knew that with him, being in his arms, I was the safest I could possibly be, there was nowhere else in the world where I could ever be more, safe. And with that knowledge the tears came. Painful, soul-wrenching sobs escaped as he gently scooped me up into his arms and strode towards the bedroom furthest away from the one my brother and Hailey had chosen. I nuzzled into his neck as my arms clung to him tightly. Once in the bedroom, he carefully laid me down on the bed and stood up. "Please don't leave me. Stay?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I just-I can't be-alone, not to-tonight!" I sniffled as I wiped at the tears that were falling from my eyes.
Nodding his head slowly, he moved around the other side of the large double bed and took the spot next to me. Opening his arms to me, I shuffled in closer to his side. My head came to rest on his chest as his arms closed around me. This was where I felt safe. He was where I felt safe. The numb feeling didn't feel so disabling when I was in his arms. I couldn't explain it, I simply didn't know if I ever would be able to explain it but being in his arms, at his side - I knew that he would fight to the death to keep me out of harm's reach. I can still hear the way his punches had landed on Jonah over and over in my kitchen. The way he had grunted his anger at my ex. The look of possessiveness when he glanced at me. The shine of love in his eyes when he held me afterwards. He was my saviour, and I honestly couldn't think of anyone better for the job.
"Do you want to shower before we get too settled?" He asked me.
"Actually yes. I don't think that shower gel at the rape suite is agreeing with me," I slowly untangled myself from his embrace, "do you want to go first?"
"Do you mind? I feel like I need to scrub away the memory of Jonah -,"
"Of course, I can totally understand that. I have already showered once, you go and do that now, I will go in after you," I offered.
"Or I could just go into one of the other rooms to shower. Would you be ok with that?"
"I think I can handle that, yes," I nodded.
"I will be as quick as I can, I promise," he softly dropped a kiss to the top of my head before he got up and headed towards the door to the room.
I have to say, my brother had practically thought of everything. Before we had come to the hotel, we had stopped at a 24-hour supermarket so that Jeremy could grab some essentials - shower gel, shampoo, toothpaste and brush, underwear. Everything that you could imagine a man would need for an impromptu overnight stay at a hotel.
Once I was alone, I grabbed my bag and opened it to find my shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, and brush in the side compartment of the bag and I grabbed the fresh underwear and the red flannel PJ's that Hailey had packed for me. I couldn't thank her enough for this - everything I needed for comfort was inside this bag. I was so lucky to have the people I did around me. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had been all alone here when Jonah had done what he did tonight.
Would I be lying dead in a morgue right now?
Hell, would anyone, have even known what happened? I could be still lying on my kitchen floor. Fuck, Jonah could have decided to drag his attack out. He could have made it last for days if he had wanted. Another shudder rendered me immobile at the thought as my breath began to race, shallow intakes of air barely filling my lungs, my chest beginning to constrict and tighten as lights flash around the outskirts of my vision. Dropping onto the bed; my head dropped to between my legs as I tried to regulate my breathing. I know this is a panic attack - I have had them before but that knowledge doesn't calm the irrational fear inside of me.
How close had I really come to dying tonight?
Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 6 seconds and breathe out of 8 seconds. I tell myself over and over, forcing my body to comply with my thoughts and after a few moments the panic begins to ebb away. All that is left in its wake is a weak and trembling shell. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel less of a person, and I don't know how I am ever going to be able to fix that or get past it.
Once I felt more in control of my faculties, I gathered up my stuff and made my way into the en-suite, turning on the shower; I let it heat up while I brushed my teeth and washed my face.
What was happening to Jonah right now?
Was it wrong that I was thinking about him? I know that it isn't anything more than self-preservation at this point. Knowing where he is, what is happening to him - directly correlates to how safe I can feel. Or how much I can let my guard down.
I mean, it is highly unlikely that, even if he isn't in police custody right now, that he would know where to find us, but there is nothing rational about the fear I am now feeling. Stepping under the jet of water, I closed my eyes and tried to push all thoughts out of my head. I would have to find a way to switch my brain off if I planned on getting any sleep at all tonight.
A Couple of Hours Later;
Jeremy Irvine...
The inside of the suite was so quiet and still that you could have heard a pin drop. Outside the buzz of traffic had begun to steadily grow as the sun rose into the sky - the city coming alive with commuters making their way to start their working day. However, everyone in this suite was fast asleep; on my way back from taking my shower earlier, I had heard the moans coming from Jay and Hailey's room - it appeared to me that things were finally getting back to normal for them - which in my opinion was a good thing. It was clear to anyone who spent any amount of time with them that they belonged to one another. Hell, just looking at them you could see their connection to one another. The subtle way they touched one another, the love in their eyes when they looked at one another and the familiar and easy way in which they communicated.
I had spent some time with both of them - together and separate and there truly was no other way to describe them than as soul-mates. It would have been a true tragedy had they ended up splitting over Jay's mistake. It took a Hell of a lot of guts to stick it out and that only showed the true strength of Hailey. I liked them both and I was just happy that they were working through their issues. Just as I knew that Shay was happy about it.
I was still buzzing with energy. If I am being honest, I can't help but wonder what was going to happen to me. Realistically there is a fairly good chance that I am going to be charged for what I did to Jonah. And that wasn't good for my career, however, I wouldn't change what I had done. At the time, in that moment it seemed like it was my only option to neutralise the threat. And he had been a threat. The state of Shay was testament to that. So, no I wouldn't change what I had done, if my career took a hit because of that, well then that was something that I would deal with when the time came.
Glancing to my left where she lay, lost in sleep - her hair fanned out over the pillow like some sort of Gothic peacock, her features slack and at peace - she was beautiful. More beautiful than I could stand to look at sometimes. Lying on her back, the fingers on her right hand laced with my left, resting on my thigh while I read a book on my phone. It never failed to amaze me just how small she was - with a personality so big and demanding, it seemed only natural to assume that she would be bigger. Right now, she just looked fragile.
When the officer at the rape-suite told me that it appeared Shayne had attached herself to me; he said that some victims cling onto the first person they see after the attack, as if they feel like that person is their means for survival, I had been worried. Worried that it would be too much for me, that it would bring back horrendous memories of my time with Jessica but honestly, I was surprised when those feelings of entrapment never came. I found myself eager to give Shayne whatever it was that she needed. Holding her close to my side - felt like it was something that I needed as much as she needed and that confused me. It wasn't something that had ever felt comfortable to me before. And in all honest, transparency - I had no idea what that meant.
A small moan escaped her mouth as her body began to twitch. And that moan turned to a choked sob. My hand gripped hers a little tighter - this had happened a few times since she had fallen asleep and the moment, I tightened my hold on her hand she seemed to calm back down, and the threat of her freaking out would pass.
There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than to be able to turn back time. To stop what had happened to her. To have just ignored that call until I was in her house, where she was safe. And that brought a whole host of new thoughts to ignite in my brain.
Jessica was dead. I never imagined that I would hear those words. Not so soon after we had ended. Not when she was in a mental ward. Not when she was supposed to be getting professional help from the staff at said institute. How could something like that happen?
How am I supposed to feel about her death? I know that I am sad to an extent. I had loved the girl at one point. I had thought that she was my future. That we would maybe get married and have a family. Then her mental state had taken over and slowly it eroded everything that we had built until I simply couldn't take it anymore. Did that make me an awful person?
A louder sob escaped Shayne, drawing my mind from the torturous ramblings that had threatened to take over. And as I glanced at her - she began kicking and thrashing wildly, "no. Please don't. I don't want this. Get off me. Please stop!" She was begging as her entire body began to twist and contort.
Fuck. What should I do? Grabbing her might make it worse, but how can I break her from the prison of memories that had overtaken her sleeping consciousness? Taking the chance, I dropped my phone onto the night-stand then turned towards her, gently grabbing her shoulders, careful to avoid where I knew the bruises were. I began to gently shake her, "Shay it's Remy, you're dreaming sweetheart. I need you to break free, I need you to come back to me," I whispered into her ear as her body bucked and writhed under me, "come on beautiful, you are safe here, I am right here, I got you remember?" For as small as she was - she was a true fighter. I had seen that from day one but feeling the strength in her now, I quickly came to realise that I hadn't even scratched the surface of her strength.
"Re-Remy!?!" Her eyes fluttered open for a few seconds before the weight of sleep pulled them closed again but she seemed to realise subconsciously that she was safe because her body went still.
"Yeah, it's me sweetheart, you're safe!"
"He was-here...I-can-still fee-feel his hands all-over me!" Tears began to slip down her cheeks and before I could even think about it, my thumb softly swiped them away.
"He wasn't here Shay, it was just a nightmare," I soothed as quietly as I could.
"You-you-prom-promise?" Her dark eyes met mine and I think it was in that moment that I realised that over the course of the past few months - I have fallen in love with her. And that realisation shocked me to my very core.
"I promise," I nodded, as her body caved against the mattress. Her breathing began to slow, and the tremble began to ease as she realised that she was safe here. With me.
"Will-you-you-ho-hold-me?" She asked, her voice barely a whisper as if she feared that she was asking too much, and I felt my heart clench in pain that she could ever think that. That she could ever fear that anything between us was too much for me.
"Of course, sweetheart," I slipped further down on the bed until my body was parallel to her own, and she slowly turned on to her side, inching back against my front. Fuck, have mercy! Slowly, so as not to spook her, my arm slipped over her waist and pulled myself closer until she was sat in my lap, "I've got you, beautiful, I won't ever let anyone hurt you ever again," I soothed as her fingers laced through my own and pulled my hand up to settle near her breasts. My mind was a whirlwind of emotion as my body began to react to having her in my arms this way but if she felt it, she never said anything, never made a move to get away, or to encourage me and I honestly, never imagined that she would. Especially now.
I really had no one to blame but myself when it came to her doubts about me and how she could act around me. We have spent a lot of time together since but still, I knew that how I had been most definitely had to be playing on her mind now. How could it not? Granted I hadn't exactly been very friendly towards her in the beginning. Hell, by her own words I had been a dick. I never wanted her to think that I didn't want to be here for her. Or that it was some sort of hardship for me because there was nothing further from the truth.
I am in love.
With Shayne Ackles.