I rush into the hospital and up the stairs, the elevator would be too slow. "Doctor Tearney I am on your service today" a male resident says following me down the halls "alright go scrub in to OR 3 I'll be there with our patient in three minutes" he nods and rushes in the opposite direction. I rush towards the room with incessant beeping "what happened?" I ask the nurse "she went into shock, she couldn't breathe" she tells me and I try to think "alright her kidney is failing we need to get her into surgery now" and we start to rush this 10 year old girl into surgery.
As I'm scrubbing in I take a deep breath and close my eyes steadying my heart rate. You can only do the best you can with the tools you are given, I tell myself, what happens after that is up to fate to decide what happens, that's what my mum used to tell me and that's something I've lived by but looking at this little girl under general Anastasia ready for a surgery that will change her life. For good or bad.
I open my eyes again and head into the operation theatre "alright let's do this" I say with a smile on my face although they can't see it with my mask on. "Ten blade" I say holding out my hand and clenching my fist around the blade "let's get started"
——
"Damn it" I say as I watch the heart monitor flatlining, I wipe my forehead and storm out. Now I have to tell the parents I lost their daughter. Slowly I make my way down to the waiting room and I take off my flowery scrub cap. Her parents are sitting together, their knees touching the mum has her eyes closed and her father is stroking her hair. I walk up to them, scrub cap in my hands the father notices me and they stand up "what happened? Is she ok?" Sighing I run a hand through my hair "we did everything we could" I say trying to keep my voice from going small "but Hailey's body was good under too much pressure, she couldn't stand the strain"
The woman clasps her hand over her mouth and starts to cry "I am so sorry" I say stepping back a step, the father suddenly gets a look of anger on his face as he turns to me "you are supposed to be the best, we came here with the knowledge that you have the most successful surgery's of any peds surgeon in the country" he says stepping forward. I take another step back "like I said sir we did all we could but she was too weak to survive the transplant" he steps forward again but this time someone steps in between "that's quite enough sir" Derek says holding a hand up. He puts a finger up at me accusingly "we trusted you with our daughter and now she is dead" I nod my head slowly keeping my hands on my cap "I know and I'm sorry"
Derek turns to look at me and he mouths "go" I nod subtly and start towards doctor Bailey who is standing doing paper work at a nurses station, her interns waiting behind her. "What happened there?" She asks not looking up from the paper "I had to do an emergency kidney transplant on a ten year old, she didn't make it" the other woman sighs and says "that's sad, so young too" I nod and turn to my resident who was waiting by the stairs "go do the rest of my pre-ops" and I head to the attending's lounge.
I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down at the round table. My hands are shaking, I hate loosing patients especially kids but it's part of the job. There is a knock on the door even though it's open and Derek is leaning on the door frame "you ok?" He asks and I sigh leaning back on my chair and looking at him over my shoulder "I guess, I mean how was I supposed to know she wouldn't survive that surgery. Her kidney was failing and it was the only option" he comes into the room "do you think I was wrong?" I ask and he shakes his head moving to sit next to me "you did what you thought was right there was no harm in that, you just do better next time"
He places a comforting hand on my arm and I lean my head on his shoulder "so let's go save some more lives" and he pulls me from my chair and spins me around making me laugh. He link arms with me and we head out the door suddenly cheered up.